One warm July morning, I had just drifted off to sleep and was having a particularly satisfying dream starring Mila Kunis, when suddenly I was visited by a higher power. Yes, I am talking about the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I looked in awe at his “noodly appendages” as he spoke, “Orbson Rice, you are a God among men. Your words must be spread far and wide. Go forth and serve the noodle.” Thus, the Orbson Oracle was born. As I ponder the events of the past few months, I realize that I missed many of opportunity to spread the word of Orbson. So here is a look back:
Anthony Weiner – If you’re going to lose your job over a sex scandal shouldn’t you have gotten a little action? Frankly, I could care less if my politician cheats on his/her spouse, frequents cathouses or gets the occasional blowjob in some dark alley. I may not want my imaginary children marrying these people but that does not mean they won’t make damn good politicians. I liked Weiner, and other than some odd Tweets he sent me that left me feeling a bit confused, I thought he had some good ideas. On a side note: Men, here is a little practical advice from Orbson to you. Women generally don’t like it when we tweet pictures of our penises to them. They’re not like “ooh I want me some of that”, they are more like “hmmm, how does one file a restraining order?” *
Charlie Sheen – Since I too have “tiger blood”, “Adonis DNA” and am a “Warlock” I totally get where he is coming from. Better yet, I want to go there, sounds like fun. Of course, I may need some shots after, but hey it would probably be worth it.
Lindsay Lohan – They really need to make Lindsay Lohan an interactive game. Too much booze, a little theft, a little jail, it’s getting redundant. How about America votes on what she will do next? I vote for riding Lady Godiva style onto the White House lawn yelling, “Let me show you my Parent Trap!”
The Royal Wedding – Mmmmmm Pippa….
The Book of Mormon (Broadway) – I have not seen it live, just listened to the album. Within 60 seconds I had spit milk through my nose. So freakin hilarious! Massive kudos to the Mormon Church for taking it in stride; your religion may be a joke, but you seem to have a very good sense of humor. I’m sure the Christians would go nuts if the musical was about them. By the way, if I join can I really have my own planet? Do you have an inside man at NASA? Cuz I would hate to have gotten stuck with Pluto only to find, “oops sorry, no longer a planet. You lose.”
*After writing the Weiner section, I keep thinking that parts of it reminds me of something Bill Maher said on Real Time. I did some searching but couldn’t find anything. While I love Bill, I don’t want to go back and watch a half of a dozen episodes. So, if any of this section sounds familiar it is only because Bill is brilliant and left a mark in my brain, not because I intentionally borrowed anything.
Currently hating on: Why the hell are conservatives going after environmentally friendly light bulbs? Seriously, what’s next? Puppies?
Orbson’s Profound Thought of the Day – Sex has been proven to be medically beneficial so shouldn’t sex toys be covered by our medical insurance?
Song I would have posted immediately if I had a blog back then:
Do You Want to Date My Avatar? by Felicia Day. Answer? Yes, please!