Carnival Cruise Lines Offers Free Cruises to People Who Know How to Fix their Ships

Sometimes, I am beaten to the punch line. I probably won’t submit this piece for publication as another Carnival article was already published. Sadly, their hook was also better than mine. Still, I think this is mildly amusing so I thought I would share it exclusively with my Orbsonites. 

Carnival Cruise Lines Offers Free Cruises to People Who Know How to Fix their Ships

Carnival Cruise Lines is currently offering an exciting new promotion in which people can take a cruise for free in exchange for fixing the ship's mechanical issues. The beleaguered cruise line is hoping its innovative promotion will revitalize its image and offer guests added security when booking their next cruise.

Over the past two months, Carnival has had multiple incidents with malfunctioning ships. One of the worst events was the Carnival Triumph which stranded thousands of passengers in abysmal conditions in the middle of the Caribbean Sea for days. Carnival hopes this new promotion will solve two problems with one solution. “Our customers need to trust that they will be on a seaworthy ship so they can have the great vacation they have come to expect from Carnival. We also need to find somebody, anybody, who can fix our ships because frankly we have no idea what we are doing.”

Not wanting to cut into profits, the free tickets will be good for the brand new “Innovative Inside Room” which has been newly created using pool towels and clothesline on the engineering deck. “We’ll need them to be close and on call; these ships could go at any time.”

Many analysts presume that Carnival’s future will sink or sail based on this latest promotion. However the cruise line appears to have a backup play. “We’ll market it like a true carnival” says CEO Gerry Cahill. “What do you get when you go to a carnival? Bad food, rickety rides that shake you like crazy before breaking down and you throw up everywhere. Really all of these recent incidents are just our way of living up to our name. Truth in advertising!” To take advantage of Carnival’s latest offer simply contact the reservation hotline at 1-888-227-6482 and ask for the “I can fix your ship special!”

Orbson’s Heroes of the Week: I have seen the videos of the Boston bombings often as the news agencies continue to sensationalize the horrors of the incident. The one thing that continues to stand out occurred as the smoke from the first bomb continued to expand outward. They took no time to react, no time to worry about their own safety. Police, EMTs, random citizens in the streets ran TOWARDS the blast mere milliseconds after the first explosion. They immediately removed debris and tried to stabilize the many injured people. I am in awe of their courage, their sensitivity and their willingness to face the threat of attack to help people they do not even know. That is what I want my America to look like.

Orbson’s Assholes of the Week: There are many reports coming out of Boston of people physically and verbally attacking those of Middle Eastern descent. After Oklahoma City or Atlanta were random white people attacked? Of course not. This is not acceptable and not something that should be tolerated in this country. I hope these idiots are thrown in jail for decades for these disgusting acts. They are no better than the bombers themselves, instilling terror into innocent people just because of their beliefs or the color of their skin. This is not what I want my America to look like.

Photograph by: Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Dylan McCord