Trump Signs Executive Order to Sell Grand Canyon

On Wednesday, U.S. National Parks openly defied Donald Trump’s executive gag order by tweeting facts on the effects of climate change. Thursday morning, Trump took his revenge. Signing yet another executive order, Trump sold the rights to the Grand Canyon National Park to ultra-conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC) for the fee of $1. The JLC has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling companies. They’ve petitioned for the Grand Canyon rights in the past but had always been denied. Trump spoke about his decision: “The parks are mine now and I can do with them what I like. What’s best for the country. This is a great day. Wonderful. Tons of jobs. Tons. There’s going to be money falling from the skies because of this.” 

A JLC spokesman was on hand as Trump signed the order and he discussed their plans for the former national park.  “Today is a great day for those who love Jesus. We are pleased to announce the new site for the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range,” a wholesome park that will be fun and educational for the entire family. It will bring job growth to the region and increase tourism. At the same time, the park will spread the gospel, something the Grand Canyon never did.”

When asked how they planned to build a theme park in the Grand Canyon, the JLC spokesman stated, “Well, of course we’ll need to fill it in. It’s a huge project, just like Noah’s Ark, but we are extremely thankful that President Trump has agreed to have the federal government help with that part of the construction.” According to plans, it will cost roughly $800 billion to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement. Trump defended the cost citing job creation and the spread of good wholesome values. “The Grand Canyon is not ‘grand’, it is merely a giant hole in the ground. If you had a hole in your backyard you’d fill it up right? I had a hole in my backyard and Mike Pence came over and helped me fill it right up. Felt great to finally put something in that hole. Something beautiful. Look, the Grand Canyon is not profitable but the ‘Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range’ will make buckets of money for everyone.”

Construction on the ‘Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range’ will begin on Monday, April 17 of this year. According to released documents the park will include such innovative attractions as the Lazarus Rising Rollercoaster, AK47s for Toddlers, The Great Dinosaur Myth Exhibit and The Book of Job Gift Shop and Food Emporium. The highlight of the park will undoubtedly be the one of a kind experiences such as the Do-It-Yourself Crucifixion and the Alter Boy Experience, a wonderful opportunity to have your children spend some enlightened alone time with one of the park’s priests. Admission to the park is expected to be $149 per person, though $499 will give you access to both Experiences as well as your own souvenir bible. Some in the religious community are already excited. Father Michael Carrington of the Church of God but Only My God Not Yours spoke, “I can’t wait to see the legions of boys and girls on their knees and having good time.”

Will this be the beginning of a National Park sell off? Perhaps Trump’s latest tweet might hold the answer, “Told them to shut up, they didn’t. Now one of them is gone. Sad. What do they have to say now? Nothing. New jobs. Winning.”

In Orbson News:

The Orbson Oracle: Reports from the U.S. House of Representatives confirm that after the massive outcry from Trump’s new “Burn this Fucker Down” environmental policy they have decided that they would include partial coverage for both gas masks and oxygen tanks in their new health care program.

Orbson’s Call to Action: Trump’s administration will seek to punish Sanctuary Cities by denying them Federal funds. We should contact the mayors of these cities and let them know we support them. Further, we should commit to prioritizing these cities (if possible) in any vacation plans. That way we support their kindness and compassion with our pocketbooks. Likewise, we should encourage other cities to become Sanctuary Cities by letting them know that we won’t be spending our money there if they don’t. Evidence suggests that Sanctuary Cities create greater harmony between police and immigrant communities without significantly affecting crime rates. In fact, there tends to be better reporting of crimes in those cities. I frequently visit Seattle and Portland which I am proud to say are both Sanctuary cities. How about you?

Orbson Rice's Call to Action: If you are not already familiar, seek out and follow EarthJustice on Facebook. They are an environmental law firm that has a top rating on Charity Navigator. Their tagline is "Because the Earth needs a good lawyer." THE ISSUE: Congress is attempting to rush through three bills that EarthJustice calls the "Dirty Bundle". If passed, these will allow the deregulation of companies that actively pollute the Earth, stripping away protections like The Clean Air Act. Read about the trio of environment shattering bills on their website and then take action. ACTIONS: Contact your representatives and/or make a small donation to this worthy organization. Even $1 can make a difference.

California Law Bans Republicans from Using ANY Public Restroom

California Governor Jerry Brown is expected to sign into law a bill which would make it illegal for registered Republicans to use any public restroom in the state. Speaking before the House Committee on Fecal Evacuation, the bill’s chief proponent Phil M. Colon detailed the bill’s purpose and enforcement: “This bill has been a long time coming. Over the years we have received thousands of complaints about Republicans using public restrooms and now we finally have the chance to do something about it.”

According to Colon, there are two primary reasons to be concerned about Republicans use of public restrooms: “First is the obvious problem - they simply can’t be trusted. As Republicans work diligently to discriminate against the innocent transgender community, they completely ignore the fact that it’s Republicans that are the greater threat to the public’s safety in restrooms.” According to Colon it isn’t only ignorance and fear that Republicans are spreading in restrooms. A large number in the party have been arrested for a wide array of misdeeds, sexual and otherwise. For example, former Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for trying to initiate a sexual encounter with an undercover cop in a Minneapolis restroom. There is also Florida Representative Bob Allen who, in a men’s room at a public park, was arrested when he offered to pay $20 and perform oral sex on an undercover cop. Of course who could forget Dennis Hastert, former Republican Speaker of the House who was accused of sexually abusing four male students followed by a litany of illegal acts trying to cover it up. “I don’t know if it’s the repressed nature of Republicans or some deep and disturbing evil within them that makes them behave in this way” says Colon, “but we must act now to stop them and protect the innocent.”

The second rationale Colon offers for banning Republicans from public restroom use has to do with sanitation, “Republicans have proven that they are completely full of fecal matter. Top to bottom, full of it. Having to force good people to be in such close proximity to walking piles of fecal matter is simply not sanitary nor is it pleasant.” At first glance, this may seem like nothing more than an insult but according to researchers at John Hopkins University, Colon may be on to something. “While the classification of Republicans as ‘full of fecal’ matter is a misnomer, there does exist a high level of metaphorical fecal matter stemming from their ignorance, racism, homophobia and fear of knowledge. From a public health standpoint, that ‘fecal matter’ is far more harmful to the population as a whole and should be isolated else it spread to the uninfected.”

Public support for the bill has been overwhelmingly positive. According to one city employee, “I love it! I don’t want my children in the same room with one of those people. It’s not safe. Look, I’m sure some of them are okay but really, we can’t take that chance with our children’s safety.” As for where the Republicans will go to the bathroom, Colon has a simple solution. “We’d suggest that Republicans use bathrooms at their homes. If they fervently believe they need access to public restrooms, than they’ll need to purchase them with money out of their own pocket, build them themselves and designate that they are only to be used by members of their party.” Where will Republicans get funding for these new restrooms? “That’s not really our concern, though evidence points to them demanding Mexico to pay for the restrooms.”

Trump Reveals Controversial New Mustache

When the rhetoric wasn’t enough he mimicked the salute. When that wasn’t enough Donald Trump, the frontrunner for the Republican nomination for President, decided to make one small change to his appearance: a mustache. Now it would be fair to say that sporting the style of mustache worn by a certain infamous German dictator may raise a few eyebrows. Though, if we were to believe Mr. Trump, this was merely a fashion choice with no intent to emulate anyone. When questioned about the mustache and the comparisons that quickly arose Trump responded, “What? I don’t know anything about that. Look, people like it. They ask me all the time to grow one. It’s great. I love having it and people love to see me with it. I really don’t see the similarity.”

While there is a possibility that Trump has never seen an image of one of most evil human beings to ever exist, one would wonder why nobody on his staff would point out the similarity. Trump, who is not known for backing down from a fight even when he is heinously wrong says, “You know, other people have mustaches and that’s okay for them. I get one and people get upset. But that’s okay because the people want me as their leader. They want me to look great. They want America to look great and they want me to take them to the promised land which I fully intend to do.”

As for the repercussions, Trump’s poll number rose by another 4 points. This probably shouldn’t come as a surprise. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center the number of radical hate groups has risen from 149 to 998 since President Obama took office in 2008. The KKK has also officially endorsed Trump and believes his ideology best matches their own. Hate is strong in the U.S.A. and Trump is taking full advantage. For Americans looking for a voice of sanity amongst Republicans, they’re in for a long wait. Here is what his fellow party members had to say:

Ted Cruz: “I actually kinda like it. I don’t know, there’s something about it that just looks really right to me. I can’t grow facial hair myself but good for him. Good choice.”

Marco Rubio: “Who is Hitler? Is that the guy who plays shortstop for the Reds?”

Sarah Palin: “I think he looks dreamy. I would follow that man anywhere and if he selects me as his Vice President I would happily ride that mustache to the Oval Office.”

As for what’s next in Trump’s arsenal of fascist follies only time will tell. For now, we’ll just sit back and watch as thousands of people across the nation raise their hands to salute the mustached man who only wants to make America white or uh, great again.



Unedited photo by: Niniam Reid 

Bill O’Reilly Says He’ll Leave U.S. if Sanders Wins, Sanders' Poll Numbers Skyrocket

Conservative talk show host Bill O’Reilly has inadvertently given democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders a massive jump in his polling numbers. On Thursday’s “O’Reilly Factor”, O’Reilly stated “If Bernie Sanders gets elected president, I’m fleeing. I’m going to Ireland.” The impact of his statement was quickly apparent as Friday’s polling numbers gave Sanders an immediate 14-point boost, making him the clear frontrunner amongst democratic candidates. Even contender Hillary Clinton rang in saying, “When I heard that, I even considered voting for Bernie.”

O’Reilly did admit that, “I shouldn’t say it publicly because that will get Sanders more votes," but even he was unlikely to realize just how much the American people would like to see him gone. The Sanders campaign has been enjoying the fallout of O’Reilly’s comments. Since Thursday there has been a massive increase in campaign donations with many pointing to the statement as their motivation. However there are some people who are not as happy. Both Michael Higgins the current President of Ireland as well as Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Enda Kenny released a statement saying, “While Mr. O’Reilly is welcome to come to Ireland for a short visit, we think it would be better for all involved if he didn’t stay. Perhaps a more conservative environment would fit him better. We hear North Korea is nice in November.” Ireland, who in May of last year overwhelming voted to legalize gay marriage, may not be the best place to run from a President who believes in equality and fairness.

Of course whether Sanders or Clinton get the nomination it may not make a difference for the conservative mouthpiece. Polling numbers show that either candidate would win if the election were held today and as conservative candidates alienate more people with every word they utter, that trend is likely to continue. Even today, 54% of Americans say they would vote for actor Matt Damon, TV personality Bill Nye the Science Guy or Grump Cat from internet meme fame over anyone in the Republican field. As for the Sanders campaign they are actively seeking others to pledge that they would leave the country with a Sanders victory. As one staffer says, “If the polls are correct, we could get 70% of the popular vote if Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter agreed to leave too.”




Photo By: Senate Democrats 

Donald Trump Exposed in Ashley Madison Hack

Oops, the billionaire with the hair has been naughtier than a pair of Republicans in a men’s bathroom. The hackers responsible for the Ashley Madison breach have just released a third batch of customer profiles from the popular cheaters dating website and Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump is among them. Going by the user name ONEHARDTRUMP, he is yet another in a long list of conservatives whose proclivities would make even the dirtiest among us blush. In fact, Mr. Trump’s profile is so filthy that I must caution that the screenshot of his profile below is most definitely not safe for work:

Shortly after news of the leak was released, Trump issued a short statement: “This is a private issue and it shouldn’t matter to anyone where I like to stick my wick. I will not apologize for my actions because President Obama is the one who needs to apologize to us all. It is because of his inept leadership that hackers continue to get away with breaching our privacy. When I’m President, I will find them and destroy them.”




Photos by: Michael Vadon, Mike Licht and Jehane 

Jon Stewart Exploring Senate Run with Eye on Presidency

Jon Stewart for President. The sentence that makes liberals jump for joy and conservatives tremble in fear. According to sources close to the retiring host of the popular Daily Show, Stewart has formed an exploratory committee for a 2016 Senate run. In much the same way Hillary Clinton has worked her way to Presidential contention, Stewart is believed to be setting himself up to run for the highest office in either 2020 or 2024 depending on the outcome of the 2016 election.

Stewart’s retirement from the highly successful late night Comedy Central show surprised many as he is clearly one of the most respected entertainer/pundits in the country. Attacking issues from a common sense standpoint and satirically ridiculing the responses on both sides of the aisle, Stewart may be the perfect person to bring sanity back to an insane government. The fact is, if he is planning to run for the U.S. Senate his timing couldn’t be better. As to where Stewart might run, my sources state that for the past two years he has been buying homes in states that are expected to have close Senate battles. He is particularly focused on those in which Republicans have a slight edge. “If he can turn a seat red to blue, that’s where he’ll be.” The top possibilities include Wisconsin, Florida and Pennsylvania, all of which have Republican held Senate seats that will be up for grabs in 2016.

The Orbson Oracle conducted an informal poll in each of those states and Stewart was the overwhelming favorite garnering more than 60% of the vote in each. We contacted Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus for a reaction to the Stewart news and his response will likely be mirrored by conservatives throughout the country: “What? He’s doing what?! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh man, I think I just shit myself. This isn’t on record is it? Look, I have to go. Fuck!” If Priebus’s response is any indication there will be a lot of republicans shopping for new underwear this weekend.

This article was brought to you by Arby’s: “Arby’s- a burning tummy is a happy tummy!”


Photgraph by: Cliff

Hillary Clinton: “It’s Time to Break the Ass Ceiling

Sunday afternoon, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her intention to run for President of the United States of America. If Clinton succeeds she will become the first female President in the history of the country. Speaking to supporters, Clinton discussed what will be needed in order to accomplish this historic feat: “For too long women have been faced with moronic and unnecessary barriers to positions of leadership. I believe in the power of women and I am ready to do my part to help destroy the barriers. It’s time to break the Ass Ceiling.”

Long considered the toughest obstacle for any female politician, The Ass Ceiling will not be an easy impediment to overcome. Created in large part by a conflux of unevolved white conservative males, the Ass Ceiling has been solidified by their repeated efforts to demonstrate their “respect” towards women. Take South Carolina Senator Thomas Corbin who explained why it was okay to mock women, “Well, you know God created man first. Then he took the rib out of man to make woman. And you know, a rib is a lesser cut of meat.” These types of asinine comments were the norm for New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand who dealt with frequent inappropriate comments about her weight and looks from fellow Senators. Of course many politicians don’t think women have the capability of doing difficult work. Take Senator Rick Santorum who expressed that a woman’s emotions would keep her from being able to critical decisions. To be fair there are also a number of Asses on the left side of the aisle as well: “We in the Senate refer to Senator Gillibrand as the hottest member.” -Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) Let’s face facts, when it comes to politicians in Washington, there are “binders” full of Asses.

According to Representation 2020, the U.S. ranks 95th in the world in the number of women holding major political office.  Only 20 of 100 Senators are women and only 84 of 435 members of the House of Representatives are women. There are also only 6 female Governors. These facts are true even though women represent 50.8% of the population in the United States. We will need to wait until November of 2016 to see whether Clinton will succeed in breaking the Ass Ceiling. A Clinton victory will go a long way towards giving the Asses the kick they deserve.





Individual Photos By: Marc Nozell, Michael Vadon, Kent Williams

Scott Walker Passes Law Declaring Himself a “Genius”

Wisconsin Governor and presidential hopeful Scott Walker has finally answered critics who have suggested that he does not have the proper education to govern. Earlier today, Walker signed into law a measure that would define anyone with an I.Q. of 90 or higher as a “genius”. During today’s press conference Walker stated, “I’ve always known I was exceptional but today everyone knows that I am a genius. I is proof that we don’t need no education department. I may not have graduated from college but I have been knowledgized by life.” According to test administrators, under the new law Walker is considered a genius by 1 point.

After the announcement Walker threw himself a lavish “I Be a Genius Party!” at the state capital. The festivities included a giant bouncy castle, clowns that create balloon animals, cake and ice cream and his favorite game, Pin the Pink Slip on the Teacher. Walker, whose brief stint at Marquette University led him to a remarkable 2.59 grade point average, unexpectedly left school before graduating. While he never returned to finish his degree, he has proven his genius by the way he has governed Wisconsin. During his term he has busted teachers’ unions and demonized teachers by comparing them to ISIS. He supports the dissolution of the Department of Education and states that his years as a Boy Scout have prepared him to be Commander in Chief of the U.S. military. Defending the statement on the Fox News show “America the Bestest Nation Ever” Walker asserts, “I have a badge in Bugling! You need that in the military.” More recently, Walker is attempting to get colleges to stop reporting sexual assaults on campus. Since the good people of Wisconsin continue to vote for Walker, it may only be a matter of time before we’ll all get to experience for ourselves just what being “knowledgized” entails.




Image by: DonkeyHotey

Susan B. Anthony on New $20 bill, Valued at only $15.40?

Earlier today, President Obama announced that he will sign an executive order removing President Andrew Jackson from the $20 bill and replace him with women’s rights advocate Susan B. Anthony. The idea was inspired by the organization Women On 20’s who is currently conducting voting on which heroic American woman should be the new face of the $20 bill. However, according to South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham the new $20 bill is likely to cause mass confusion. “We have to ask ourselves, how much is this bill going to be worth? It can’t be $20, that would just be silly. I do believe that the value of the new $20 bill should be $15.40 or 77% of the original value. That is fair”. In reality, women actually do make 77% of what a man makes doing the same job. Graham’s use of an actual fact, even within a nonsensical argument, has caused some Republicans to question his commitment to the conservative ideology where facts are the enemy.

Considered a pioneer in the women’s suffrage movement, Anthony was also an abolitionist and worker’s rights activist. Her efforts were integral in the ratification of the 19th Amendment in 1920 which granted women the right to vote. In the almost 100 years since, women are now treated as equals to men in every way with only minor issues such as unequal pay, discrimination in the workplace, sexual harassment, having to constantly fight to have legal control over their own bodies and being blamed and shamed when they are sexually assaulted. Other than that, they are considered perfectly equal. Anthony was honored briefly from1979-1981 and once again in 1999 when her portrait was placed on a $1 coin. This has many critics of the executive order asking why that wasn’t enough for women and why liberals insist ton waging a war on men.

As for whether the value of the new $20 bill will indeed be 23% less than face value we turn to the statement of South Carolina Republican State Senator Tom Corbin. During a legislative dinner Corbin gave his views on gender equality: “Well, you know God created man first,” he said.  ”Then he took the rib out of man to make woman.  And you know, a rib is a lesser cut of meat.” Given this wildly evolved view from someone who is clearly a rump roast himself, there will likely be many liberals lining up to trade their $15.40 for Corbin and Graham’s Susan B. Anthony $20s.

Sarah Palin Knocks Self Unconscious Taking Ice Bucket Challenge

SaTiRe- Earlier today, Sarah Palin knocked herself unconscious while participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge. Created by the ALS Association, the Ice Bucket Challenge has participants film themselves pouring a bucket of water and ice over their heads. According to aides, Palin was unaware that the ice bucket was supposed to contain water and instead froze the entire bucket before dumping the large block of ice directly onto her own head. Unconscious, she was rushed to the hospital where doctors confirmed that she suffered from a mild concussion but no permanent damage. According to the attending physician, “Mrs. Palin, was lucky to have a thicker than normal skull and a slightly smaller than average brain. This physical abnormality likely protected her from more severe injuries.” Palin’s representatives are using the injury to explain away a viral video of an incoherent Palin. “People assumed she was intoxicated, but that was not the case. This was the result of the accident, but Sarah is perfectly fine now and just as smart as she ever was.” The video was filmed more than a week ago, but her representatives are adamant that today’s injury caused the odd occurrence.

Many notable people have participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge including Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey and Steven Spielberg. Interestingly, of the tens of thousands of participants, no one else has attempted to dump a large block of ice on their head. For those interested in supporting the ALS Association and taking the Ice Bucket Challenge, here's how it is supposed to work. Take a video of yourself pouring a bucket of ice AND water over your head and post it on your favorite social network. When you post, challenge three friends or colleagues to do the same within 24 hours. They can opt out of being drenched by making a small donation towards ALS research. So, grab a bucket and get soaked for a great cause and remember whenever you are uncertain about something ask yourself, “What would Sarah Palin do?” and then do the opposite.


photo mashup: James Brooks and Nicola Baron 

Tea Party Mistakenly Protests Arizona Thespian Center: “Thespians are against God’s will”

An innocent celebration turned chaotic Thursday as Tea Party demonstrators descended on Tucson, Arizona to protest the newly built Arizona Thespian Center. Led by Minnesota Senator Michele Bachmann, the protesters interrupted the ribbon cutting ceremony for the 1200-seat performing arts center by screaming a series of homophobic expletives, throwing objects at participants and threatening to “burn that building of sin to the ground”. Or as they would call it, doing God’s work.

The participants of the ribbon cutting ceremony seemed stunned by the attention and tried to get rid of the protestors by pointing out that thespians are just actors. This drew a hearty cheer from Bachmann who stated, “Exactly! They are just pretending to be thespians. There is something mentally wrong with them but we can help.” Bachmann and her Tea Party volunteers began handing out leaflets for Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” clinic and shouted to the crowd, “For only ninety-nine easy payments of $99.99 you can be healed. You can be clean in God’s eyes!”

Tensions quickly escalated as the Tea Partiers grew louder and angrier and the Thespian Center’s attendees ignored them and began singing “Seasons of Love” from the musical Rent. Ultimately, police arrived and calmed the situation by removing the incensed Bachmann. An officer asked why she was even there in the first place as she was a Senator from Minnesota not Arizona. Taking a page from Sarah Palin she replied, “Of course I should be here, Arizona and Minnesota are practically neighbors. I’m not going to wait until this travesty reaches my front door before I act.” The officer merely shook his head and mumbled something about needing to take Bachmann to a Pray Away the Stupid facility. Unfortunately, Arizona closed their last remaining Pray Away the Stupid facility in 2011 so he’ll probably have to drive her to New Mexico.

Despite the tumultuous ribbon-cutting ceremony, the Arizona Thespian Center opened to a full house with a rousing performance of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Jesus Christ Superstar. Tickets for future events can be purchased from the ATC box office or online at www.notarealticketsitestupid.com.


photo by Fibonacci Blue

President Obama Forgets How to Spell ‘Respect’ After Five Long Years of Never Being Given Any

Sadly, President Obama just can’t get any ‘rspect’. After a particularly yummy Taco Tuesday, Thursday the White House decided to host the Women of Soul. Attended by a myriad of outstanding female musicians including Aretha Franklin, Melissa Etheridge, Patti Labelle and others, the event was held to honor the musical contributions of this country’s female artists. Also in attendance was President Obama who addressed the gathering:

"When Aretha first told us what R-S-P-E-C-T meant to her, she had no idea it would become a rallying cry for African Americans, and women, and then everyone who felt marginalized because of what they looked like or who they loved"

The President’s spelling faux pas received chuckles from the audience while reports of the mistake quickly hit the news sites. The networks covered it as thoroughly as the Ukraine crisis though not nearly as in depth as anything Justin Bieber is currently doing. Fox News took digs at the President comparing him to former Vice President Dan Quale and the infamous potato/potatoe gaffe. Even Sarah Palin joined in the mocking of the President saying, “Even I know it is spelled ‘r-s-p-a-c-t’.”

According to Dr. Felix Baumgardner from the Heidelberg Institute of Presidential Psychology, President Obama is likely not to blame for the error: “There is substantial evidence demonstrating that powerful words such as ‘respect’ can be slowly erased from a person’s mind when they do not experience it in their lives. Essentially, they will stop recognizing it as a word.”

Dr. Baumgardner may be right. Since assuming office in January of 2009, President Obama has been shown an infinitesimal amount of respect. He can’t even address the nation without a member of Congress yelling “you lie”. In fact, many Republicans have proclaimed that no matter what policy President Obama puts forth, no matter how good it would be for the country, they would never support it. Clearly, the Rodney Dangerfield of U.S. Presidents had a good reason to forget the ‘e’. Just as Republicans have forgotten that we live in the ‘United’ States of America.

Texas Creates ‘Revolutionary’ Alternative to Obamacare

Are you sick? In need of medicine? Surgery? Don’t have insurance? For most Americans the Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare) will allow you to get the help you desperately need. Even though initial indications lean toward success, many Republicans question the program’s merits. The complaining conservatives have long been the victims of jokes and ridicule for their ongoing failure to come up with any solution at all for the ongoing health care crisis. However, Texas Governor Rick Perry has finally saddled up and presented a new alternative: “Perry Care”. To Perry, Obamacare is an “extremely wasteful program that gives away free medical care to people who have not earned the right to be healthy.” This fall, Texans will see Perry Care’s full impact with the taxpayer funded game show, Heal or No Heal, where seriously ill people can play for the chance to win comprehensive albeit mediocre health care. Filming has already begun and the initial buzz is that the show will be a sure hit… in the South… among conservatives… who haven’t finished high school.

Health care is a real issue in Texas which perennially is the worst insured state in the U.S. with over 25% of their citizens without insurance and many more who are severely under-insured. Perry has rebuffed Obamacare implementation in Texas and has refused federal funds for a Medicaid expansion that could help 1.5 million low-income Texans and called the program, “another example of northern aggression.” For Governor Perry a Texas issue requires a Texas response. “Perry Care is a revolutionary solution to our insurance issues. Winners of Heal or No Heal will receive the best health care Texas has to offer all while thoroughly entertaining us every Tuesday night. Best thing, ad money will pay for the treatments won and it won’t cost a dime to the people of Texas. We won’t waste our tax dollars on people who don’t deserve to have it.”

The format for Heal or No Heal is a cross between the game shows Deal or No Deal, Let’s Make a Deal and Wipeout. Will the seriously ill senior citizen win his hip replacement or a mere bottle of aspirin? Or will we get to laugh as he bounces off a large ball and into a pool of slime winning nothing? Will the young Cancer patient keep the 6-months of chemotherapy she has already won or choose what’s behind door #3? You’ll need to tune in this September to find out, but in the meantime you can pick up the Heal or No Heal instant ticket game at your nearest retail store. If you’re lucky your next scratch off might just be that barium enema you've been waiting for.




Photo By: Ed Schipul  

Michigan Man Starves To Death by Following One Too Many Food Safety Studies

Melvin Reginald Bartlett, better known as Mad Mel to his friends and family, passed away in his home Monday evening. The cause of death? Starvation. Mel, a graduate in Nutrition Studies from the University of Michigan spent the better part of his 47 years of life trying to create the perfect diet. According to friends, Mel would spend hours each day pouring over food safety studies and examining ingredients in the items found on grocery store shelves. His clients ranged from professional athletes to obese individuals searching for a path to healthiness. Cynthia Briggs, his long time assistant praised his dedication to his clients and to his field. “He fervently believed in the power of education and particularly in the science of food.” Unfortunately, it was that belief that ultimately cost him his life.

Six months ago, Mel announced that we was taking an extended hiatus from his practice. According to Briggs, “He began to have a difficult time advising his clients on a healthy diet. He had legitimate questions about his customary recommended diet of vegetables, fruits and lean meats. He even began to question the vegetarian and vegan lifestyles.” Mel decided to take the leave of absence to refresh his knowledge of the ever-changing food industry. The following excerpts from Mel’s journals tell the story of the dietary path that ultimately led to his starvation.

Day 1- For years I have advised my clients to avoid overly processed foods. They are high in sodium and full of chemical additives. I have advised that they stick to lean meats as well a generous amount of fruits and vegetables. A reevaluation of the state of food in the Unites States has made me rethink this strategy. Over the following weeks I will create and follow a new and healthier diet.

Dangers of Red Meat – In addition to fat and cholesterol, red meat can harden your arteries and lead to cardiovascular disease. This is not to mention the horrifying conditions that the animals live in and the numerous drugs pumped into their bodies. This category is easy, if it’s red, you’ll end up dead.

Dangers of Fish- While fish has been generally accepted to be good for you, human contamination had led to increased amounts of mercury and PCBs. One study suggests that 84% of the world’s fish is too dangerous to consume while the other 16%  have consumption limits. The FDA suggests limiting “healthy” fish intake to twice per week because of contamination. I believe it is unwise to eat something that is so poisonous to your system that eating it more than twice a week can do serious harm. From now on, when I seafood, I’ll walk the other way.

Dangers of Chicken- I have serious ethical and health issues with chicken. Chickens are thrown into massive enclosures by the thousands. The chickens become so big they are often crippled by their own weight. Even if I didn't care about the ethical ramifications, grocery store chicken contains arsenic, antibiotics and other drugs. Additionally, a recent study showed that only 34% of chicken purchased from stores was free of disease causing bacteria. When it comes to chicken I am getting the cluck out of here.

Dangers of Pork- Pigs are also kept in horrendous factory farms. Living in their own excrement, pigs are deprived of sunlight and dosed with numerous drugs. Pigs are intelligent, sensitive creatures and like the other meat producing animals, do not deserved to be treated this way. On the nutrition side, a recent study by Consumer Reports tested 200 samples of pork chops and ground pork. They discovered that more than 2/3 contained yersinia enterocolitica which can cause fever, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain and cramps. Taken together, I see no choice but to abandon pork in my diet. If the only “safe” way to consume any meat it is to cook it to a high enough temperature to kill all of the nasty organisms, well that doesn’t sound appetizing. I am now officially a vegetarian.

Dangers of Fruits and Vegetables- Fruits and vegetables have always been a staple to a good diet…until now. One of the key areas of concern is the use of pesticides. These cancer causing contaminates are able to absorb directly into the food. While most scientists say that the benefits to consumption outweigh the risks, I am not sure it is wise to take that kind of chance on your health. Further, the E.P.A. just raised the minimum allowable amounts of glyphosate (a key active ingredient in Roundup) in our food supply. Even though the E.P.A. claims it is only “minimally toxic”, studies have shown that it can lead to diabetes, heart disease, obesity, autism, Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.

The other issue I have is with genetically modified food. The long term effect of GM food has yet to be adequately determined. While the U.S. stance is that GM food have not proven to be dangerous, many European nations respond that GM food has not proven to be safe. The U.S. government also refuses to force producers to disclose if their food contains GM ingredients, making it difficult to avoid. The good news is that organic produce, while more expensive, generally have lower levels of pesticides and often are GMO free. The bad news is that strains of GM food have been popping up in areas they have never been planted. Thus, it is possible that an organic farm may be unknowingly selling genetically modified food. I’ll need to take great care in finding healthy fruits and vegetables.

The Final Entry- I have to believe I can find some non-contaminated fruits and vegetables. I better, because I’m really hungry. Lysteria in lettuce, cantaloupe, celery and onions, E. coli in organic spinach and lettuce spinach. Organic berries linked to Hepatitis A. Salmonella in peppers, mangoes, nuts…. Too weak to work anymore today, need to rest. Hopefully I can find something to eat tomorrow.

Mel never had another bite food. Services will be held on Friday at 2pm at the Church of Divine Indulgences, followed by a reception at Pizza Hut. Briggs plans on publishing her mentor’s journals in hopes of continuing his lifelong goal of educating consumers on their food choices.




Photo by: USDA 

"I Only Rescue Hotties!" Disney Princes in for Controversial Makeover

 Executives from Disney and Abercrombie and Fitch were on hand yesterday to reveal a new line called “The Heartthrob Disney Prince”. Recently, more than 230,000 people signed a petition asking Disney to stop the overtly sexual changes to the character Merida from the movie Brave. Complete with a plunging neckline, heaving breasts and a waist so small it is a wonder she doesn't tip over, Disney’s new Merida seems to have ditched her bow and her independent personality for makeup and a boob job. After listening to the concerns of parents, Disney responded quickly by saying that it would make every effort to completely ignore parents’ concerns. Stunned by the backlash, Disney executives are hoping this new line of Heartthrob Disney Princes will show that they are an equal opportunity company that makes sex objects of both prince and princesses alike.

The new Disney heartthrob line is set to be released early next month and will be available through The Disney Store as well as through a clothing line carried exclusively by Abercrombie & Fitch. Yesterday, a spokesperson for the beleaguered apparel store stated, “We have received a lot of criticism because of honest comments made by our beloved CEO Mike Jeffries. This collaboration with Disney will hopefully show everyone that we are not alone in believing that beauty if beautiful and ugly should remain at home. We at Abercrombie & Fitch are proud to be a pro-pretty-family corporation.”

The initial release of the Heartthrob line will consist of five princes, Eric from The Little Mermaid, Aladdin from Aladdin, Flynn from Tangled, Adam from Beauty and the Best and Shang from Mulan. The most notable changes in appearance are their “completely ripped” physiques and certain bulge-like enhancements below the waist. Both the merchandise and clothing line will also contain phrases that some may describe as mildly suggestive:

Aladdin: “C’mon, rub it and see what happens next!”
Chang: “No, it’s not an ancestral dragon, I’m just happy to see you!”
Flynn: “I climbed your tower, now it’s your turn to climb on mine!”
Adam: “Still a Beast in the bedroom!”
Eric: “Hey Ariel! Check out my Under the Sea…Shell!” (Here the Prince is holding a shell over his groin)

In addition, there are some other phrases which appear on multiple products:

“The Original Disney Boy Toy (batteries not included)”
“Who Needs Brains when you have Abs like these.”
“I Only Rescue Hotties!”
“Sexy is the new Smart”

Many people are threatening to boycott Disney and Abercrombie & Fitch unless both of the new product lines are pulled. However, after the initial Merida controversy and subsequently ignoring both the negative press and the petition, Disney seems ready to move away from its family-friendly reputation and embrace the sexy side of animation.

Obama Appoints Profane Sorority Girl Ambassador to North Korea

At Sunday’s press luncheon, President Obama introduced Julia Jacobs as the new U.S. Ambassador to North Korea. Julia, the University of Maryland student whose profanity-laced email to her sorority sisters went viral last month, may seem like an unusual choice. According to President Obama, “We needed to implement a new strategy in dealing with North Korea. While I am sure many will view this move as radical, I believe Julia’s creative use of the American dialect can help us send the right message to Kim Jong-un.” Julia spent most of the luncheon texting, giving only occasional glances of disgust at the surrounding media and politicians. After the meal she took questions from the press:


Reporter- Miss Jacobs, were you surprised that President Obama reached out to you to deal with such a sensitive issue as North Korea?

Julia- Surprised? Why the fuck would I be surprised. Look, you may not like his fucking choice, but frankly I don’t give a flying fuck. My President asked for my help and I answered the fucking call. If Congress were half as fucking responsible as I am, serious shit would be getting done. Was I surprised? The only one who is going to be surprised is Kim Jong-un when I put my 5-inch stiletto through that inchworm he calls a cock. Next fucking question.

Reporter- What will be your first act as Ambassador to North Korea and how will you handle the escalating tensions between our two countries?

Julia- Well, had you ‘journalists’ actually done your fucking jobs you would have known that I already sent a fucking communication to Kim Jong-un this morning. Seriously, what does CNN stand for anyways, Cunt Numbing Neanderthals? Do me a favor, go check your emails and open the one that says “Letter to Kim Jong-un from Ambassador to North Korea”. Then, I want you to go back to your colleges, find your journalism professors and cunt punt them for not teaching you how to do your God damn jobs. Next fucking question.

Reporter- Could you…uhm… give us some indication as to what was in that correspondence?

Julia- Thank you for asking such an intelligent fucking question. I would absolutely love to do your fucking job for you. Hey, Fux News Up, get out your fucking dictionaries because I may use some big fucking words.

‘Dear Kim Jong-un, your fucking day just got really bad. The United States of Fucking America does not fucking capitulate to the demands of the Korean Pillsbury Dough Boy. I don’t give a fuck that you dislike being told how to govern your shithole country. I don’t give a flying fuck that you have serious daddy issues and a brother who masturbates to pictures of the Little Mermaid. When you fuck with America, you have fucked with the wrong fucking country.  

Now as I see it you have two options. First, you close every fucking nuclear facility in your country and stop testing those mother-fucking missiles. Or you can take option number two in which the President sends a special lubed-up mini-nuke to your capitol Pee-on-yo-wang. Now this missile is going to fly right past all of those poor innocent people that you fucking starve and imprison and instead it’s going to domicile itself directly into your enormous rectum. Think of yourself as a fucking Korean piñata and we’ve brought the biggest fucking bat on the planet. The choice is yours and frankly, I don’t give a furry ferret’s ass what you do because I get paid regardless. So go ahead Kim Jong-Teletubby, fuck with us again. I dare you. 

                                                                                With Love, Julia Jacobs’

While there has been no official word out of North Korea, satellite surveillance shows massive troop withdrawal since the email was sent. In addition, Kim-Jong-un appears to have shuttered all nuclear facilities and has gone into hiding. We’ll have to wait to determine the long-term success of Julia’s email; however it appears to have been tremendously successful. In the meantime, supporters are suggesting that Julia should consider running for Congress in 2014. For her response we go to Julia’s Twitter page where she states, “Join Congress? Fuck that. I’d own Congress cuz bitch I get things done!” Presumably, that means she is interested in the job.


Author’s Note: The fucking name of the fucking sorority girl who wrote the fucking email has been changed for this fucking piece. 

Arizona’s Gov. Brewer Announces New Adopt-a-Gun Program

A Public Disservice Announcement:

Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona a lonely AK-47 awaits its execution. Feeling alone and unwanted, covered in dust and grime it gazes out into a future that it knows it will never see. Only four years old, this heartbroken AK-47 was abandoned by its owners at a Turn in Your Gun event. Its fate? Destruction. Soon it will have its very essence violently torn away by the hands of liberal heathens. The promise it once held, the purpose it was meant to fulfill, will never be realized. Alone at night it dreams of fulfilling its destiny. Of exploding through the flesh of trespassers, of penetrating the carcasses of animals or of simply shooting a bothersome neighbor. For now the AK-47 has no hope, but you can make all of the difference to this poor little gun. Thanks to Governor Jan Brewer and Arizona’s new Endangered Guns Protection Act, our little AK-47 can know the joy of shooting once again.

For only $1 a day, less then the price of a forty of Old Milwaukee, you can adopt young AK-47 or one of the thousands like it. Within days it will be cleaned, cared for and delivered to its new home. Because when it comes to our guns, our most precious commodities, no background check will ever substitute for an owner who loves to shoot. So please, look inside your heart and ask yourself, isn't a dollar a day worth the life of an AK-47.Call and adopt your gun today, at 1-800-253-0883.

Bush Presidential Library Steals Children’s Books from Local Schools

(satire) Librarians from public schools in Dallas, Texas have asked that the Bush Presidential Library return the tens of thousands of children’s books that were borrowed for last week’s opening. John Swift, head of the Library’s selection staff had the difficult task of filling the library’s shelves for a President who frankly “ doesn't read ‘wordy books’ too much.” President Bush and Swift visited local schools to find books that represented the man and the Presidency. “We examined books with a wide range of subject matter and reading levels. President Bush wanted to ensure that his library contained one of the greatest collections in the country”.

Librarians in neighboring schools tell a slightly different story. According to Erma Bell, “They brought the President in personally to pick out the books. He ignored the stack I pulled together of biographies, histories and scientific discovery and went straight for the kids’ books.” Librarian Mary Schultz agreed. “He seemed really interested in the pop-up books. Every time a tree or animal would pop up he would look startled and then begin giggling uncontrollably. Honestly, it was kind of weird.” Swift theorized that the President’s interest was likely due to his “ongoing dedication to children and education.”

A week has passed since the grand opening and librarians Bell, Schultz and others in the area are asking for their books back. “We were told it would be a temporary loan and the books would be returned immediately.” When questioned about the Presidential Library’s need to maintain a collection, Bell scoffed, “Do you really think anyone in this country will ever step foot in that library” No, we were told the books wouldn't be needed after the opening. It was just supposed to be for the show.”

Yesterday, Orbson Oracle reporters arrived in Dallas and confirmed that the Library was indeed closed to the public.  We did however find multiple Secret Service agents standing near the door. While we were not allowed to enter, we could hear the following commotion through a partially opened window:

Voice #1: “Please Mr. President, we need to return these books to the schools.”
Voice #2: “Tell em, al-Qaeda stole em. They’re mine now! Haha, did you see this one. Watch! The dinosaurs gonna eat ya! Hahahahaha!!!
Voice #1: “*sighs* Yes, Mr. President. You have shown me that one before.”

The Bush Presidential Library refused to return our calls, however they did issue the following statement: “The Bush Presidential Library is a tremendous effort and with the gracious help of the surrounding community, it has been filled with classic works of literature that truly represent all that President Bush accomplished while in office.” Unfortunately for Dallas schools, it does not appear they will be getting their books back anytime soon.

Washington State Seeks Constitutional Amendment Banning Straight Marriage

In a surprising and controversial move, the Washington state legislature is considering an amendment to its constitution defining marriage as only existing between couples of the same sex. The amendment will be voted on in the November election and is currently polling at a tight 51%-49% in favor of the change.

The New Marriage Amendment (N.M.A.) was first introduced by a non-profit organization called the Preservation of Marriage Coalition whose mission is to “preserve the sanctity of marriage”.  However, during the past few months they have decided to refocus their mission on a worthier group. According to the organization’s President Matilda Robinson, “When Washington legalized gay marriage in December of 2012 we thought our world was over. Then, nothing happened. People were shocked that it had little to no impact on the every day lives of heterosexual couples. We thought there would be some reaction. You know, locusts, rain of toads, all of our Pabst Blue Ribbon turning into Pinot Noir, but no, absolutely nothing bad came out legalizing gay marriage. It really made us reflect. Maybe the best way to protect the sanctity of marriage is to stop straight people from marrying. Maybe we are the problem.”

If the N.M.A. passes, there will undoubtedly be far-reaching implications for heterosexual couples. There is already concern that they will no longer be eligible for the same government benefits. John Berkin from Tacoma asks, “What if my wife is in the hospital? If we are not legally married anymore can I be denied access to see her? That’s crazy. How could anybody possibly say that’s okay?!” Robinson counters saying that heterosexual couples will be offered most of the same rights as homosexual couples. “They won’t be married any more but they may be able to form a civil union. Though it's meeting opposition, we believe we can pass a civil union bill within 3-5 years.”

There is also discussion on whether heterosexual couples should be allowed to adopt children. “We’ll need to study what possible harm there might be to the child” says Robinson, “It doesn’t seem that as a whole, heterosexual parents have done a very good job with children in the past so it may be prudent to limit their access.” As for straight couples having their own children, “well I don’t know who would want to have to explain to a child that their parents are both a male and a female. It would be a tough way to grow up.” Robinson suggests that in the best interest of the children, heterosexual couples should really consider giving their kids to nice gay couples.

Washington’s N.M.A. vote will certainly be the focus of Olympia’s political debates for the next six months. Already protests have been organized throughout the state. The opposition has been met by large groups of supporters with inflammatory signs such as “God hates straights” and “It’s Bert and Ernie not Bert and Ellie” A number of House bills have also been introduced limiting heterosexual rights should the amendment pass. As one observer noted, “We need to make sure that straights can never marry again. If we let them marry what’s next, we let giraffes marry unicycles. It’s a slippery slope.” Regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain. The stigma associated with straight marriage isn't going away anytime soon.





Unedited Photograph by ProComKelly

Carnival Cruise Lines Offers Free Cruises to People Who Know How to Fix their Ships

Sometimes, I am beaten to the punch line. I probably won’t submit this piece for publication as another Carnival article was already published. Sadly, their hook was also better than mine. Still, I think this is mildly amusing so I thought I would share it exclusively with my Orbsonites. 

Carnival Cruise Lines Offers Free Cruises to People Who Know How to Fix their Ships

Carnival Cruise Lines is currently offering an exciting new promotion in which people can take a cruise for free in exchange for fixing the ship's mechanical issues. The beleaguered cruise line is hoping its innovative promotion will revitalize its image and offer guests added security when booking their next cruise.

Over the past two months, Carnival has had multiple incidents with malfunctioning ships. One of the worst events was the Carnival Triumph which stranded thousands of passengers in abysmal conditions in the middle of the Caribbean Sea for days. Carnival hopes this new promotion will solve two problems with one solution. “Our customers need to trust that they will be on a seaworthy ship so they can have the great vacation they have come to expect from Carnival. We also need to find somebody, anybody, who can fix our ships because frankly we have no idea what we are doing.”

Not wanting to cut into profits, the free tickets will be good for the brand new “Innovative Inside Room” which has been newly created using pool towels and clothesline on the engineering deck. “We’ll need them to be close and on call; these ships could go at any time.”

Many analysts presume that Carnival’s future will sink or sail based on this latest promotion. However the cruise line appears to have a backup play. “We’ll market it like a true carnival” says CEO Gerry Cahill. “What do you get when you go to a carnival? Bad food, rickety rides that shake you like crazy before breaking down and you throw up everywhere. Really all of these recent incidents are just our way of living up to our name. Truth in advertising!” To take advantage of Carnival’s latest offer simply contact the reservation hotline at 1-888-227-6482 and ask for the “I can fix your ship special!”

Orbson’s Heroes of the Week: I have seen the videos of the Boston bombings often as the news agencies continue to sensationalize the horrors of the incident. The one thing that continues to stand out occurred as the smoke from the first bomb continued to expand outward. They took no time to react, no time to worry about their own safety. Police, EMTs, random citizens in the streets ran TOWARDS the blast mere milliseconds after the first explosion. They immediately removed debris and tried to stabilize the many injured people. I am in awe of their courage, their sensitivity and their willingness to face the threat of attack to help people they do not even know. That is what I want my America to look like.

Orbson’s Assholes of the Week: There are many reports coming out of Boston of people physically and verbally attacking those of Middle Eastern descent. After Oklahoma City or Atlanta were random white people attacked? Of course not. This is not acceptable and not something that should be tolerated in this country. I hope these idiots are thrown in jail for decades for these disgusting acts. They are no better than the bombers themselves, instilling terror into innocent people just because of their beliefs or the color of their skin. This is not what I want my America to look like.

Photograph by: Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Dylan McCord