Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.
Showing posts with label sarah palin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sarah palin. Show all posts

Monday, September 7, 2015

Response to "Immigrants should speak American" (Slam Poetry Style)

By: Orbson Rice (Who Should Probably Not Be Writing Slam Poetry)

“Immigrants should speak American!” says She Who Must Not be Named,
the Alaskan Ice Queen of Tea Party fame.
While I comprehend the words, her meaning remains unclear,
for what exactly does she long to hear?
America is a land of languages, hundreds in fact,
from Spanish and Portuguese and even Nahuatl.
There’s French and there’s Dutch and a dash of Aymara
and let’s not forget the 10-million who speak Quechua.
There are the Mayan languages and the Creoles, Garifuna and Miskito,
from the Yukon, Peru and even from Quito.

One might say that within her ignorant prate,
‘America’ only referred to the States.
Then is English her linguistic glue?
Or perhaps she was referring to the Sioux?
For the words of our natives reverberate in both present and history,
from the Navajo, the Apache to the tongue of Ojibwe.
Or maybe in Alaska she’d like to stick
and only speak the language of the noble Yupik?

But wait, we cannot just fasten our gaze on the States.
We are A Part, not apart.
We are “of” America, with no “All” preceding.
We are cocoa farmers weeding.
We are children playing soccer in the dirt.
We are families and friends seeking fulfillment in concert.
With individual tongues rich and sweet,
yet it is happiness which we ALL seek.
So in response to your words I must exclaim,
oh She Who Must Not be Named,
the Alaskan Ice Queen of Tea Party Fame.
Immigrants SHOULD speak American.
Every language, every phrase, every syllable in every way we can imagine.
“I will!” “I can!” “I believe!” “I dream!” with passion!
In different voices and dialects, more than you can conceive
And one idea gleaned from this human tapestry we weave.
Because from the magma below to the stars above,
there will NEVER exist enough words for love.




Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Sarah Palin Knocks Self Unconscious Taking Ice Bucket Challenge

SaTiRe- Earlier today, Sarah Palin knocked herself unconscious while participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge. Created by the ALS Association, the Ice Bucket Challenge has participants film themselves pouring a bucket of water and ice over their heads. According to aides, Palin was unaware that the ice bucket was supposed to contain water and instead froze the entire bucket before dumping the large block of ice directly onto her own head. Unconscious, she was rushed to the hospital where doctors confirmed that she suffered from a mild concussion but no permanent damage. According to the attending physician, “Mrs. Palin, was lucky to have a thicker than normal skull and a slightly smaller than average brain. This physical abnormality likely protected her from more severe injuries.” Palin’s representatives are using the injury to explain away a viral video of an incoherent Palin. “People assumed she was intoxicated, but that was not the case. This was the result of the accident, but Sarah is perfectly fine now and just as smart as she ever was.” The video was filmed more than a week ago, but her representatives are adamant that today’s injury caused the odd occurrence.

Many notable people have participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge including Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey and Steven Spielberg. Interestingly, of the tens of thousands of participants, no one else has attempted to dump a large block of ice on their head. For those interested in supporting the ALS Association and taking the Ice Bucket Challenge, here's how it is supposed to work. Take a video of yourself pouring a bucket of ice AND water over your head and post it on your favorite social network. When you post, challenge three friends or colleagues to do the same within 24 hours. They can opt out of being drenched by making a small donation towards ALS research. So, grab a bucket and get soaked for a great cause and remember whenever you are uncertain about something ask yourself, “What would Sarah Palin do?” and then do the opposite.


photo mashup: James Brooks and Nicola Baron 

Friday, April 6, 2012

Santorum Scores ‘6’ on NFL’s Wonderlic Test


Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum made an egregious error yesterday when he accidentally released a completed copy of his Wonderlic Test to the media. The Wonderlic Test is normally used by the National Football League to help determine an athlete’s intelligence level. The top possible score on the test is 50, though the former Senator was only able to manage a six.

According to sources, Santorum was curious about the test after hearing that LSU cornerback Morris Claiborne recently received the surprisingly low score of four. While player information is supposed to remain confidential, this is not the first time a score had been released to the media. In 2006, quarterback Vince Young received a six on the test. Santorum matched Young when he took the timed test on Thursday. He then mistakenly included the results with a series of press releases sent to the Philadelphia Inquirer.

The results of this test have led many to question whether Santorum has the requisite level of intelligence to be President. Among his myriad of mistakes, included the answers that August was the tenth month of the year, 24 x 4 = 64 and that a rectangle has 3 sides. Many conservatives have rushed to defend Santorum. On the Today Show, former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin stated that, “Rick is a smart man. As President you don’t need to be taking no football players’ tests. Gee whiz, we shouldn’t even be talking about this. This is just more propaganda from the elitist liberal media trying to paint true Americans like myself and Rick Santorum as dumb. What we should be talking about is Obama and his socialist regime in Washington.”

The Santorum campaign did not respond to interview requests regarding the incident, but did issue the following statement: “Rick Santorum is in the driver’s seat now. It is half time and in the next period he will shoot a touchdown and score the nomination for President.” What that statement actually refers to could not be determined. For more about the types of questions on the Wonderlic Test, click ESPN.

Article vocabulary helper for our Republican friends:

Egregious- Extraordinarily bad.

Requisite- Required or necessary for a particular purpose.

Myriad- A large number.

Socialism- “1. Any of various economic and political theories advocating collective or governmental ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods. 2a: A system of society or group living in which there is no private property. 2b: A system or condition of society in which the means of production are owned and controlled by the state.” So basically it’s not even close to what you think it means.


Friday, August 12, 2011

Orbson Fingers the Headlines

Every day I click through very news websites to find out what’s happening in the world. I usually hit BBC and CNN first but occasionally will peek at MSNBC. I avoid Fox News since it is not actually news but an evil corporate cesspool spreading fear, hate and ignorance to the Stupid. Anyway, as I was perusing stories I ran across a slew of headlines that I found a wee bit odd on MSNBC. So, I thought I would share. On an editorial note, I have no idea why these titles were not capitalized, I feel like I should know, I will likely lose sleep over this and yes I am a bit crazy but that is why you worship me.

Alaska volcano's eruption stirs concern about disruption

It’s a volcano people! I think you need to be concerned with a little more than a “disruption”. “Hey honey, this weird looking red stuff is flowing down the mountain and heading toward our house.” “Oh don’t worry dear; the news said there might be a ‘disruption’. Nothing to worry about.” Brought to you by the people who made Sarah Palin.

New leukemia treatment exceeds 'wildest expectations'

First of all, this is an awesome story and a potentially huge scientific breakthrough. Great job smart people! However, wouldn’t “wildest expectations” be a total cure and if so how did this “exceed” a total cure? Did it stomp out the leukemia and then make you shit out golden bricks. Cuz with the price of gold and the cost of healthcare, that would be really cool.

Poll: Most say US is on the wrong track

Duh! Did they really need a poll for this? Breaking news, many women find Hugh Jackman attractive. Breaking news, carrots are healthier than bacon cheeseburgers. Surprise, surprise, surprise….

'The Female Orgasm Explained' offered on Qantas flights

Finally, I don’t have to watch another rerun of Two and a Half Men on the airplane. I would prefer The Female Multiple Orgasm Explained but this will do. Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!

Groupon updates IPO filing, admits it's unprofitable

Hmmm, I am betting they bought too many Groupons and never used them before they expired.

Itunes Triumphant: Walmart kills its music download store

Walmart had a music download store?!? Why did they kill it? Was it naughty? Did itunes sneak in at night and defile the songs? I wish I had known Walmart had a music download store. I would have… well, I would have still purchased my music on Amazon.

Bert and Ernie won't be getting married

So let me get this straight. A petition has been formed to try and convince PBS that Bert and Ernie should announce their homosexuality and get married. There are over 3,000 “likes” on the movement’s Facebook page. It is good to see that with all of our country’s problems, people can focus on the important issues. Sesame Street Workshop’s reply? "Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most 'Sesame Street' Muppets do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation." Damn there goes any chance at a threesome with Kermit and Miss Piggy.

Candidates hit hard in testy GOP debate

Okay this is funny and scary and not just because of the word “testy”. I am beginning to think that someone is just playing a game with us. Let’s see if we can put together the craziest group of eight Republicans possible and see if the Stupid people will still vote for them. Seriously, it was like the “Evil League of Evil” was holding a rally to decide how best to fuck over the country. Of course, it was mostly complaining and infighting until the lead crazy person with all of the makeup showed up in her gas guzzling tour bus. No, not The Joker, I’m talking about the Queen of Crazy herself, Sarah Palin. I’m laughing, I’m crying, I’m eating a deep fried stick of butter. Poor Iowa. Poor U.S.A.