Myron Jones of Parma Heights, Ohio was trampled to death Tuesday evening as he made his way home from his job as a construction foreman. Myron, the father of three, has been in the news recently as the last remaining undecided voter in the United States. Unfortunately, he will never be able to make that elusive decision. As Myron walked up his driveway he was mobbed by over eighty national and regional reporters all asking for his thoughts on the third Presidential debate. The media was truly worked into a frenzy and did not realize that they had knocked the 55-year old man to the ground. By the time the chaos was cleared it was already too late, Myron Jones had been trampled to death.
Myron Jones was the son of Ethel and Bert Jones. He spent one year at Cuyahoga Community College before dropping out to enter the work force. After spending the next few years job hopping, he began working for Luther Construction and ultimately earned the coveted position of Foreman after a mere 25-years. Myron has voted in every election since he turned 18, though only for President and Governor. He had attributed his inability to make a decision to being “too busy just trying to get by to pay attention”. His election year strategy was to completely ignore all of the election coverage, watch the three debates and then make a final decision. He admits, “It’s not a perfect strategy, but it is all I have time for.” This means that Myron would have never accumulated the wealth of information bestowed upon American citizens. He would not know that Mitt Romney was opposed to women’s rights, equality, education, environmental and banking reform, teachers and unions. He would also not know that Romney believes that 47% of Americans (which by definition would have included Jones) are “dependent upon the government” and don’t take “personal responsibility” for their lives. Myron Jones also would have never learned that President Obama was in fact, born in Hawaii. Still, as a single father, he believed that spending quality time with his children was more important than watching the “political soap opera”.
Unfortunately, as family and friends prepare for Myron’s funeral, the media frenzy has found another potential victim. After reviewing footage of Myron’s demise, amidst the pleas for help they heard him mutter one final phrase, “There is anoth-er…unde-cided…vot-er….” The news agencies have searched diligently and are narrowing in on their next target. Lola Sanders of Madison, Wisconsin woke up from a 7- year coma yesterday afternoon. Evidence shows that she voted for Reagan in 1984 and Clinton in 1992 and 1996. Without any knowledge of this election, she is truly an independent voter. As news agencies descend on Madison, Lola’s family has placed her into hiding until after the election. If Myron Jones were still alive, I am sure he would agree. Run Lola, run!
In the December 2011 issue of Science, a study by University of Chicago neurobiologists proved that rats are empathetic creatures with a strong impulse to aid other troubled rats. This study has further strengthened the concept that even rats are more compassionate than Republicans.
The study of rat empathy consisted of a series of experiments in which one rat was free to roam while another was caged. If the free rat applied pressure on the cage it was able to free the captive rodent. Once it learned this result, it consistently freed his neighbor. After further testing it was concluded that,"They freed cagemates even when social contact was prevented. When liberating a cagemate was pitted against chocolate contained within a second restrainer, rats opened both restrainers and typically shared the chocolate. Thus, rats behave pro-socially in response to a conspecific’s distress, providing strong evidence for biological roots of empathically motivated helping behavior.”
The implications of this study have already begun to permeate the public consciousness as Americans look forward to the 2012 elections. Would Mitt Romney free a caged Newt Gingrich? Rick Perry? Would a cage even hold Gingrich if chocolate is involved? We may never know the answers to these questions; however we can use empirical evidence to determine the likely results.
Mitt Romney and Rick Perry come from different parts of the country yet share many conservative ideologies. Both believe that the U.S Constitution should be amended to declare that marriage be defined as a union between a man and a woman. Thus, it could be concluded that both candidates are anti-love. Further, Romney and Perry are both advocates of the death penalty. When asked whether it troubled him that one of the 234 death row inmates in Texas might be innocent Perry replied, “No sir. I’ve never struggled with that at all.” Therefore, while both candidates are anti-love they are both pro-death.
Compassionate acts require three requisite steps: First- the recognition of distress. Second- the desire to help the living being in distress. Third- action to alleviate that distress. Mitt Romney may be unable to differentiate between living and non-living beings as he states, “corporations are people too”. Hence, he may not be able to recognize true distress from a disappointing earnings report. Rick Perry does not have any desire to help those in distress stating “Many homeless have chosen their lifestyle” through years of bad decisions. Finally, being anti-love and pro-death, neither candidate has an inclination to act to help those in distress. Thus it can be concluded that rats are more empathetic than Romney or Perry.
Given that the Romney and Perry are among those chosen by all Republicans to represent them, it could be concluded that all Republicans are less empathetic than rats. If however you need further proof, let’s look at David Crocker the Republican Mayor in South Fulton. Crocker imposed a $75 annual fee for anyone who would like to have the city’s fire department come to their burning home. Last December, firefighters watched as Vicky Bell’s trailer home and all of her possessions went up in flames. For want of $75 a Republican Mayor will watch a person’s home burn. Clearly the people in Fulton would be better off if a rat were in charge.
In conclusion, it must be conceded that rats appear to be significantly more empathetic than Republicans. When presented with this evidence, Republicans vilified rats as “socialist” and “anti-American”. The question still remains, in order to win in 2012, Republicans may need to “rat up”.
Every day I click through very news websites to find out what’s happening in the world. I usually hit BBC and CNN first but occasionally will peek at MSNBC. I avoid Fox News since it is not actually news but an evil corporate cesspool spreading fear, hate and ignorance to the Stupid. Anyway, as I was perusing stories I ran across a slew of headlines that I found a wee bit odd on MSNBC. So, I thought I would share. On an editorial note, I have no idea why these titles were not capitalized, I feel like I should know, I will likely lose sleep over this and yes I am a bit crazy but that is why you worship me.
It’s a volcano people! I think you need to be concerned with a little more than a “disruption”. “Hey honey, this weird looking red stuff is flowing down the mountain and heading toward our house.” “Oh don’t worry dear; the news said there might be a ‘disruption’. Nothing to worry about.” Brought to you by the people who made Sarah Palin.
First of all, this is an awesome story and a potentially huge scientific breakthrough. Great job smart people! However, wouldn’t “wildest expectations” be a total cure and if so how did this “exceed” a total cure? Did it stomp out the leukemia and then make you shit out golden bricks. Cuz with the price of gold and the cost of healthcare, that would be really cool.
Duh! Did they really need a poll for this? Breaking news, many women find Hugh Jackman attractive. Breaking news, carrots are healthier than bacon cheeseburgers. Surprise, surprise, surprise….
Finally, I don’t have to watch another rerun of Two and a Half Men on the airplane. I would prefer The Female Multiple Orgasm Explained but this will do. Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!
Walmart had a music download store?!? Why did they kill it? Was it naughty? Did itunes sneak in at night and defile the songs? I wish I had known Walmart had a music download store. I would have… well, I would have still purchased my music on Amazon.
So let me get this straight. A petition has been formed to try and convince PBS that Bert and Ernie should announce their homosexuality and get married. There are over 3,000 “likes” on the movement’s Facebook page. It is good to see that with all of our country’s problems, people can focus on the important issues. Sesame Street Workshop’s reply? "Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most 'Sesame Street' Muppets do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation." Damn there goes any chance at a threesome with Kermit and Miss Piggy.
Okay this is funny and scary and not just because of the word “testy”. I am beginning to think that someone is just playing a game with us. Let’s see if we can put together the craziest group of eight Republicans possible and see if the Stupid people will still vote for them. Seriously, it was like the “Evil League of Evil” was holding a rally to decide how best to fuck over the country. Of course, it was mostly complaining and infighting until the lead crazy person with all of the makeup showed up in her gas guzzling tour bus. No, not The Joker, I’m talking about the Queen of Crazy herself, Sarah Palin. I’m laughing, I’m crying, I’m eating a deep fried stick of butter. Poor Iowa. Poor U.S.A.
In November of 2008, I visited my local voting site and placed my vote for Barack Obama. This was not a difficult choice. I had heard Barack speak a few years earlier and knew he was the right one to lead us out of the horrific George W. Bush era. I stayed awake late into the night as the results streamed in. Finally, it was announced, the United States had elected its first black President. I am not ashamed to admit that I shed a tear. I believed that the American people had finally understood the damage that Republicans inflicted on our country. I believed that Obama could lead us into a better world.
Fast forward to the present. Our country could not be more deeply divided. We waste time over frivolous issues and our President has seemingly lost his spunk. We are already discussing the 2012 election and I feel the need to stand up with all of my Orbson might and state, “Mr. President, I appreciate the many positive changes I have seen under your administration. However, with all respect, I must insist that you please grow a larger set of testicles.”
Here is Orbson’s open letter to President Barack Obama:
Mr. President,
In 2012, I will vote for you again. I will do so because there is no other option for a liberal like myself. If there were a viable option however, I would consider switching. On the campaign trail you spoke with vigor and determination. You did not veil your contempt for conservative politics and you won your election on the backs of liberals. Now, I believe you have become politicized; another victim of the D.C. disease that turns idealists into egotists. Your desire to be reelected has blinded you from the truth. The truth is that a large percentage of this country will never vote for you. They despise you because you are a democrat, because you are liberal on social issues and yes in some cases because you are black. The rest of us will vote for you because we know that you are our best hope for change. Please put the election aside and start fighting for what is right.
In 2008 you won because of your words. I know the power of words. They can be used to create a revolution or to quell a riot. I know you are handcuffed legislatively, but you still have your words and the support of those who stand by you. To guarantee my vote, please take a risk. Not a small risk, like walking out of a debt ceiling meeting, but a huge risk. Stand up in front of the American people (preferably on some popular talk show so people will actually watch) and tell us again what you believe in. There is too much corruption in out government. There is too much hate and intolerance among our people. We have lost sight of that which makes the essence of a great nation – education, compassion and peace. We the people have made you our leader, our voice. If you want to bring tears to my eyes again, you will put reelection aside and use those words again. Tell this country that gay marriage should be legal everywhere – that we do not legislate love. Explain to your people that education and health care should be such a basic human right that they should be included in our Constitution. Show them that under Republican control, the rich get richer and everyone else suffers. Tell them that we need to stop focusing overseas and start working here at home. We are no longer a great nation, we are mediocre and that is not acceptable. Most of all, stop trying to compromise with people who are not willing to meet you half way. You sold out on health care, you are selling out on the debt ceiling. While I understand, I do not agree. You have our support. Fight. If you lose, at least you will know that you went down fighting for what you believe in. I would rather fall fighting for what I believe in, then stand for something I don’t. Mr. President, you have one chance to affect change, use your podium and you will be remembered. Fail and my tears will be born from sadness.
Orbson Rice
Orbson’s Quick Fix: Orbson has come up with a simple way to solve the budget crisis and make everyone happy. Teabaggers, you don’t want to pay taxes. Okay, from now on you don’t have to. Any citizen can opt out of paying taxes. Of course, that means you won’t have access to public schools, health care, Social Security, Medicare, fire and police departments, the Post Office, unemployment insurance, workers compensation, a minimum wage, roads, etc. You win, congratulations!
Orbson Tweets: “I think my Facebook page is run by conservatives. An advertisement for ‘vasectomy services’ keeps popping up.” Check out my Twitter feed at www.twitter.com/orbsonrice
The announcement of the demise of Borders Group sent a jolt of celebration through the Republican Party on Sunday as conservatives watched one of their biggest obstacles fall. Borders, the nation’s second largest bookseller, announced that it will be closing all 399 stores, firing their 10,700 employees and liquidating all of its assets. Considered a huge defeat for the Democratic Party and a possible turning point in the 2012 Presidential Election, Republican’s held celebratory rallies throughout the country. Speaking from outside his plantation, Mississippi Congressman Roy Enbreider expressed his excitement, “Finally, one of the great arms of the liberal monster has been cut off. No longer will the trite nonsense that liberals call facts be spread to the public. Books lead to divisiveness. We must put our faith in the Lord and let him guide us to the truth. Books, science, facts, these are all instruments of the devil, sent here to test our faith. No more! Today we celebrate a huge victory. We have overcome!”
Enbreider and the rest of the Republican Party may be right to celebrate. Leading into the 2008 election, a Gallup Poll found that registered voters with a Post Graduate were significantly more likely to vote for Barrack Obama. On the other hand, voters with only a high school education or less were more likely to vote for John McCain. If this trend continues, it behooves the Republican Party to minimize the amount of education available to the general public. Apparently, the smarter a person is, the less likely they will vote Republican. Certainly, the closing of the second largest bookseller is a positive step in that direction.
Conservatives are not only excited about the lack of education available to the public, but also the diminishing number of “devil books” such as the popular Harry Potter Series and the Hunger Games Trilogy. Evelyn Rothchild, President of “Ban Items that are Toxic to Christian Homes” or B.I.T.C.H. states, “For years we have been burning these instruments of Satan only to find them restocked the very next day. There is no place in a good Christian home for atrocities like magic, fantasy and rebellion. There is no place for ‘Science’, which is a fiction worse than any other. This is a glorious day, for a great evil has been purged. There is still much work to be done, but today we celebrate.”
Of course conservatives are not taking credit for the Borders Group downfall. Political analysts, Avery Wahns Toopad explains, “The Republican Party has essentially won the lottery with the announcement of Border’s demise. Not only do they strike a major victory in the education battle, but they are actually blaming President Obama for the Borders outcome. Of course Obama had nothing to do with it; Borders had ridiculously poor management that was constantly behind the changing technological climate. However, as most Republicans do not have the capacity to decipher the reasons why a company might fail, they simply blame the President.”
As we approach the 2012 Presidential Election, the true fallout of the liquidation of Borders will become apparent. Until then Republican leaders should sleep a little better knowing that the U.S. just got a little dumber.
