Campaign Unveils Mitt Romney V5.0

Namaste Orbsonites! You may have noticed that I have been abnormally quiet these last couple of weeks. Well apparently even someone as awesome as me can get sick. I'm not sure if it was the flu or a sinus infection, either way, I have discovered a very important thing about myself. The things that I write when I have a 102 degree fever are really and truly awful. Fear not though, I am slowly recovering and was able to muster the strength to create the following bit o' satire.

On October 1, the long awaited Mitt Romney 5.0 is expected to be released to the general public. Just days before the debates, this latest version of the Presidential candidate is projected to be a dramatic improvement over Romney 4.0 which has thus far been described as both a “complete disaster” and the “Windows Vista of Presidential candidates”. The Romney 4.0 has been plagued with bugs that have had his campaign in a constant state of crisis management.

Since the release of Romney 4.0 this past spring, he has succeeded in insulting foreign leaders, denigrating half of the U.S. population, describing $250,000 a year as middle class and snubbing the poor, the elderly, Hispanics, teachers, and police and fire departments. In fact, Romney 4.0 has been such a failure, the campaign has had to implement “backtrack updates” almost daily to cover apologies and damage control. In one instance, an update was issued just minutes before Romney announced Paul Ryan as “the next President”. According to the campaign, “It could have been worse. He was set to name Bristol Palin as the Vice Presidential nominee. We barely uploaded the fix in time.” Republicans hope that the release of Romney 5.0 will end the litany of gaffes as the campaign desperately searches for a way to win the election.

The Mitt Romney 5.0 will offer voters an entirely new Mitt Romney experience. Voters can expect a return to a more centrist Mitt who will revisit his fondness for universal health care and pro-choice legislation. Romney will also be equipped with the latest in multimodal interaction technology which will better equip Romney to process new information and respond in a more intelligent manner. With the debates just days away, the campaign is hoping the new technology will allow them to compete with what they admit is a significantly smarter Barack Obama. The Mitt Romney 5.0 will also appeal to younger voters by being able to instantly access Yelp, Pandora and Google Maps upon request. As for Ann Romney, a campaign spokesperson stated, “The old version will have to do. We tried to figure out a way to add compassion to her programming but her interface recognizes it as a virus and immediately destroys the software. You see this sometimes with older conservative models.” In any event, with the debates just days away, the Romney campaign is pinning its Presidential aspirations on the Mitt Romney 5.0.






Photo by: Robert Huffstutter

Anonymous Hacks IRS Database- Publishes Romney Tax Returns

(This may be satire but when someone vehemently refuses to share something that every former President has shared, you kinda wonder what's he hiding?)

On Thursday evening, the mysterious group of hackers known as Anonymous successfully hacked the main database for the Internal Revenue Service. The group appeared to have a singular target- Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Romney has been criticized by both parties for his failure to produce more than one past tax return. According to Ann Romney on ABC’s “Good Morning America” they had no intention of ever disclosing the contents on those returns: “We’ve given all you people need to know and understand about our financial situation and how we live our life”. Anonymous however, seems to have thought that we “the people” might want to know a little more about the man who seeks the White House.

The Anonymous attack successfully retrieved 25-years worth of Romney’s tax returns and published them without permission on major websites throughout the Internet. The majority of these websites removed the returns within minutes, however it was too late to completely protect the candidate’s already tainted image. We at The Orbson Oracle were able to examine Romney’s 2008 tax return and found that he had good reason to fear its release. The 2008 return paints a picture of an extraordinarily wealthy man, whose low tax rate and bizarre itemized deductions will surely raise many questions as to his suitability to be President.

Romney campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul stated last week that “there has been no year in which Romney paid zero taxes”. In 2008, this was true. He earned $23,425,316 and paid $412.18 in federal income taxes. This calculates to a federal tax rate of 0.0018%. How did Romney get his tax burden so low? According to his return, he had approximately $23,407,000 in itemized deductions. These deductions ranged from $78,923 for “Toupee Creators Unlimited” and $41,826 for “Spray-on tan services” to a $3.8 million dollar write-off for a trip to Las Vegas with potential campaign donors. The Romney family also paid salaries to their numerous employees including, two yacht captains, three pilots for their private jets, two professional dog walkers, one toupee stylist and a “live-in contortionist”. What someone does with a live-in contortionist, one can only speculate. However, the $891,064 Romney spent on an “EWS Donor Party at the Pennsylvania Mansion” might give us a clue. While the return does not indicate what “EWS” stands for, given that the deducted supplies for the party included “Venetian masks, alcohol, lubricant and various Egyptian leather accessories” it was most likely an “Eyes Wide Shut” party.

In addition to his wild nights, Romney also deducted health related expenses. These included $127,000 for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a condition termed “Pseudologia fantastica” also known as Compulsive Liar Syndrome. This may explain why the Republican nominee’s views seem to change dramatically depending on his audience. In fact, his recent string of political gaffes may be the direct result of his inability to keep up with the many competing “truths” he has spoken over the past year. According to noted Psychiatrist Bryan King, “Pathological liars seem utterly sincere about their lies, but if confronted with facts to the contrary, will often just as sincerely reverse their story." According to Politifact, a news organization that researches the veracity of politician’s statements, only 16% of Romney’s examined statements were found to be completely true.

While the 2008 tax return only gives us a brief glimpse into the life of Mitt Romney, it is unlikely that the other 24 years would have given us a true complete picture. Given that Romney has several secret tax havens in the Cayman Islands, Bermuda and until recently Switzerland, we will likely never know the extent of his holdings or of the other unorthodox appetites he quenches with that money. However, the Anonymous hack did succeed in giving Americans a better understanding of the Republican candidate.



Photograph of Mitt Romney courtesy of Adam Glazman
Photograph of Guy Fawkes Mask courtesy of Anonymous Editor

Romney: New Yahoo! CEO “Mayer belongs at home with her baby not running a company”

(Satire)
Mitt Romney, who has been under attack for his numerous offshore accounts and failure to disclose tax returns is apparently hoping to draw attention away from his past by making highly controversial remarks about women in the workplace. During an informal luncheon of campaign benefactors and selected media, Romney was asked about the conservative “war on women”:

“How can there be a war on women when one of them just got promoted to the highest office at Yahoo!? The depressing part is that she’s pregnant and yet still took the position. There is a war, but that war is being waged on good family values. Now I ask you, is it responsible to take on the job of CEO of a billion dollar corporation when you are about to have a child? I think not my friend. Marissa Mayer belongs at home with her baby, not running a company. Her child needs a mother. I know what it is like to be in charge of a company, I ran Bain until 20… ah, 1999. There is no feasible way she can adequately raise her child and be a successful CEO. It’s one or the other.”

Romney’s statements should not come as a surprise as the candidate has been previously been unwillingly to support the Lily Ledbetter Act that would require corporations to pay women and men equally. Clearly, as a member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men, equality is not something Romney strives for in his personal or professional life. Apparently, he is not the only one who believes women like Mayer should not be mixing business with “motherly duties”. After Mayer’s CEO/pregnancy announcement, numerous articles have been written questioning whether she will be a capable CEO. Not due to her relative youth or inexperience as a CEO, but because of her pregnancy. Many believe as Romney does that Mayer would be better suited in an apron than a power suit.

As for Marissa Mayer, the 37-years-old Stanford graduate has been named to Fortune magazine’s 50 Most Powerful Women in Business in 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012. She was the first female engineer at Google and held the title of Vice President when she departed. In 2009 she was named the Glamour Woman of the Year and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi described her as “a powerhouse of creativity and business acumen for one of the world’s most innovative companies. Marissa Mayer is leading the way in keeping America number one.” Mayer is only the 20th current female CEO of a Fortune 500 company, which leads to a rather obvious observation. Perhaps the economy wouldn’t be so pathetic if more women like Mayer became CEOs.



Orbson Answers Why He Chose Today's Topic: I asked myself, "Self, when can we, as a society, honor the accomplishment of strong, intelligent and independent women without minimizing their success with stupid questions about whether it is okay to be a mother and a CEO?" I am still waiting for an answer. In the meantime, I thought I would write about it...

Romney: “I am a Proud Member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men”

Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican nominee for President, is a proud member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men (NAAWM). This past week, Romney spoke at a political fundraiser at the Myers Park Country Club in Charlotte, North Carolina. The “membership is by invitation only” country club costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $60,000 to get into the door, plus monthly dues and usage fees. The cost to attend the Romney fundraiser was a meager $1,000 per person and $2,500 to have your photo taken with the former Governor. What better place for the multi-millionaire candidate to find financial supporters for his campaign. Not surprisingly, he also found other members of NAAWM.

During the event, Romney was asked by a potential donor how his membership in the NAAWM would affect his candidacy. Romney responded,

“I am proud to be a member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men. There is a negative backlash in this country against the wealthy white male and it needs to stop. It is simply an example of class warfare tinged by racism that is perpetrated by the left. We are the ones who create the businesses, we are the ones who founded the United States, and we are the ones that enable minorities to provide for their families by creating jobs. They should not be attacking us; they should be thanking us on bended knee. President Obama says I was born with a ‘silver spoon’ in my mouth, well guess what, silver is cheap. I was born with a diamond spoon in my mouth and come November I am going to use those diamonds to buy my way into the White House. Not just for me, but for persecuted wealthy white men throughout this great nation.”

While Romney’s fundraising base might agree with his assessment, it seems unlikely that the majority of Americans would concur. According to OpenSecrets.org, Romney has raised $75 million for his campaign with only 10% coming from “small donations” (under $200). President Obama however, has raised over $156 million with 45% coming from small donations. Proving once again that a unified people will always be more powerful than simple wealth.




Photo by Donkey Hotey

Santorum Admitted to Rehab

The stress of Super Tuesday and the on-going battle with Mitt Romney has apparently become too much for Rick Santorum. Sunday evening, Santorum checked himself into Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” Christian counseling clinic. The Minneapolis clinic caused controversy for Bachmann during her brief bid for the Republican nomination. An ABC News investigation revealed a former patient who was advised by clinic administrators that “with prayer and effort, he could eventually learn to be attracted to women and rid himself of his gay urges.”

Santorum’s admission to the “Pray Away the Gay” facility comes as a surprise to many, though looking back, the clues may have been in the headlines:

“Poll: Santorum comes from behind in Alabama three-way”
“Santorum blasts Obama during Cumming rally”
“Santorum Surges With Low-Dollar Model Poised for Iowa Surprise”
“Huntsman Heartened by Santorum’s Rise”
“Rick Santorum runs hard on long final day in Iowa”

A person close to Santorum’s inner circle spoke at length about the Santorum’s decision:

“It was Romney. Mr. Santorum had all of those debates with him and it became too much. He’d wake up in terror after having inappropriate dreams about Mitt. He would just keep repeating, ‘The hair, I can’t stop thinking about running my hands through that beautiful hair.’ Finally, he decided enough was enough and went to get treatment. He’ll be cured, back in no time and after he wins the nomination, Romney won’t be around to tempt him with that beautiful mane.”

When asked whether Santorum might begin to have similar feelings toward President Obama, the source replied, “Oh no, he doesn’t believe in interracial relationships.”

Liberals have publicly denounced Bachmann’s clinic and tend to favor the belief that people can love whomever they choose. Recently, at this writer’s urging, liberals have been opening Pray Away the Stupid Centers across the country. Since conservative leaders generally prefer the masses stay ignorant, liberals hope that introducing the ignorant and intolerant to ideas like reading books and listening to facts could have a tremendous intellectual impact on the country. Until that impact is felt however, the only wood Rick Santorum will likely be sporting will be used to build his new closet.

Read More From Orbson Rice on Free Wood Post:

Grand Canyon to be ‘Filled In’ For Theme Park

Orbson Rice is a deeply disturbed professional Writer and Editor. He is also the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more from the God of Words himself.

Original Artwork by DonkeyHotey

What the “Fuck” is Wrong with the MPAA?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That is how many times that single word is spoken in the DOCUMENTARY “Bully”. That’s right, six times in the entire film. The MPAA (Motion Picture Ass. of America) feels as though this is deserving of an “R” rating which means that the film’s target audience will not be able to see it without a parent. Everyday kids in this country are tormented and too many parents don’t take this issue seriously. Bullying is detrimental not only to the learning experience but plays a crucial role in how children view themselves. With the advent of social media bullying can seem like a relentless attack leading many children to consider violence or suicide as their only options. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, suicide is the 6th leading cause of death for children between 5-13 years old and the 3rd leading cause of death for those between 14-24 years old. These are among the saddest statistics I’ve ever seen. Every day children have to go to school afraid of what awaits them.

I have not seen “Bully”. I do not know if this DOCUMENTARY will place the spotlight on the issue and show the tormented that they are not alone. Or if it will tell the tormentors that what they are doing is quite simply, evil. What I do know is that it is impossible to walk into a middle school or high school and not hear the word “Fuck”. Should they be using it? No, or at least not as often as they do. Do they say it anyway? Yes. A documentary, viewed by kids, will not be taken seriously if it looks like it came out of High School Musical. Real life is gritty, it is dirty and sometimes it is profane.

Producer, Harvey Weinstein is a self-aggrandizing businessman who has to absolutely love all of the free publicity he is getting from this controversy. However, he is also right. I love movies, but the rating system is representative of the conservative population of this country- people who shout the loudest and whose puritanical views I find reprehensible. My imaginary 13-year-old can go by herself to see a wide array of PG-13 movies that contain tremendous amounts of violence. Don’t believe me? Go rent Pearl Harbor, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Batman Returns, The Dark Knight or War of the Worlds (to name a few). However a DOCUMENTARY that is aimed to teach and help her is deemed inappropriate because of six f-bombs?

I have wanted to write an entry that delves deeper into why our society seems to consider sexuality as a bigger evil than violence. I do not understand. Sexuality is beautiful and natural. Violence, by its very nature is an act of evil. I would be much more inclined to let my imaginary daughter see a movie with nudity than with violence. However, this is neither. This is just six swear words that she probably hears every day at school. Six words that we have spoken about and I have tried to explain my view of them to her. The MPAA’s decision is yet another lesson in morality from those whose craniums have become permanently domiciled in their rectal cavity. So, I will make it easy. Violence is evil. Sex is great. Six “fucks” to help stop the innocent from being hurt? PG.



Orbson Tweets: When the choices are named Romney, Santorum, Paul and Gingrich Tuesdays should never be called “Super”.

An Orbson Discovery: Today's find is amazing!!!!! Kickstarter at www.kickstarter.com. This is a public website where, artists, musicicans, writers and inventors can post projects that need funding. For example,the band Augustine who is trying to produce its first full length album. Fans, followers and people passing by have donated more than $12,000 toward their dream. In exchange they are given everything from autographed CDs ($10 donation) to a private show at your home ($1,000 donation). With this site, everyone wins. Awesome, awesome, awesome idea! Check out an Augustine song below.

Neurobiologist Proves Rats are More Compassionate than Republicans.

In the December 2011 issue of Science, a study by University of Chicago neurobiologists proved that rats are empathetic creatures with a strong impulse to aid other troubled rats. This study has further strengthened the concept that even rats are more compassionate than Republicans.

The study of rat empathy consisted of a series of experiments in which one rat was free to roam while another was caged. If the free rat applied pressure on the cage it was able to free the captive rodent. Once it learned this result, it consistently freed his neighbor. After further testing it was concluded that,"They freed cagemates even when social contact was prevented. When liberating a cagemate was pitted against chocolate contained within a second restrainer, rats opened both restrainers and typically shared the chocolate. Thus, rats behave pro-socially in response to a conspecific’s distress, providing strong evidence for biological roots of empathically motivated helping behavior.”

The implications of this study have already begun to permeate the public consciousness as Americans look forward to the 2012 elections. Would Mitt Romney free a caged Newt Gingrich? Rick Perry? Would a cage even hold Gingrich if chocolate is involved? We may never know the answers to these questions; however we can use empirical evidence to determine the likely results.

Mitt Romney and Rick Perry come from different parts of the country yet share many conservative ideologies. Both believe that the U.S Constitution should be amended to declare that marriage be defined as a union between a man and a woman. Thus, it could be concluded that both candidates are anti-love. Further, Romney and Perry are both advocates of the death penalty. When asked whether it troubled him that one of the 234 death row inmates in Texas might be innocent Perry replied, “No sir. I’ve never struggled with that at all.” Therefore, while both candidates are anti-love they are both pro-death.

Compassionate acts require three requisite steps: First- the recognition of distress. Second- the desire to help the living being in distress. Third- action to alleviate that distress. Mitt Romney may be unable to differentiate between living and non-living beings as he states, “corporations are people too”. Hence, he may not be able to recognize true distress from a disappointing earnings report. Rick Perry does not have any desire to help those in distress stating “Many homeless have chosen their lifestyle” through years of bad decisions. Finally, being anti-love and pro-death, neither candidate has an inclination to act to help those in distress. Thus it can be concluded that rats are more empathetic than Romney or Perry.

Given that the Romney and Perry are among those chosen by all Republicans to represent them, it could be concluded that all Republicans are less empathetic than rats. If however you need further proof, let’s look at David Crocker the Republican Mayor in South Fulton. Crocker imposed a $75 annual fee for anyone who would like to have the city’s fire department come to their burning home. Last December, firefighters watched as Vicky Bell’s trailer home and all of her possessions went up in flames. For want of $75 a Republican Mayor will watch a person’s home burn. Clearly the people in Fulton would be better off if a rat were in charge.

In conclusion, it must be conceded that rats appear to be significantly more empathetic than Republicans. When presented with this evidence, Republicans vilified rats as “socialist” and “anti-American”. The question still remains, in order to win in 2012, Republicans may need to “rat up”.

Grand Canyon to be ‘Filled In’ For Theme Park

Ultra-Conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC), made waves on Monday when they successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement and build the first ever “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range”. The JLC is a non-profit organization dedicated to obtaining properties deemed as “historic” or “environmentally significant” for major corporations to exploit. The JLC has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling companies.

A JLC spokesperson stated, “Today is a great day for those who love Jesus. The Grand Canyon is not ‘grand’, it is merely a giant hole in the ground. If you had a hole in your backyard you’d fill it up right? I personally like having the hole in my backyard filled up and I’ll do it again and again. The Grand Canyon is not profitable but the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range” will be. It will bring job growth to the region and increase tourism. At the same time, the park will spread the gospel, something the Grand Canyon never did.” The religious community agreed. Father Michael Carrington of the Church of God but Only My God Not Yours spoke, “I can’t wait to see the legions of alter boys on their knees and having a good time.”

Of course the liberal tree-huggers were in an uproar, using inflammatory language such as “deeply saddened” and “heartbroken” to describe their “feelings”. Luckily, conservatives are immune from these pesky emotions that seem to always dictate liberals’ responses. During the press conference, one such liberal actually raised their voice and accused the JLC: “While I understand and appreciate your beliefs and respect you very much, it breaks my heart to see such natural beauty destroyed. I’m sorry; I think I may have raised my voice to you. I’m deeply ashamed of my thoughtlessness. While we may disagree about this issue, I’m sure we will be able to come together in harmony in the future.” In response, the JLC spokesperson replied, “Go fuck yourself!”

The JLC’s efforts were a key speaking point during last weekend’s Iowa Straw Poll. During the political fundraiser, Mitt Romney summed up his feelings for the JLC and their conservative and corporate base in saying “Corporations are people too my friend.” Romney however, lost the Iowa Straw Poll with many commenting that the use of the words “my friend” were too tolerant and liberal for a potential Republican candidate.


Orbson’s Question of the Day- Why is the movie “Contagion” going to be released in 3D? Hell, why is it going to be released in theaters? It’s a movie about a quickly spreading disease. Sure, I want to be in a room filled with people coughing, sneezing and talking on their cell phones while I sit in a chair that hasn’t been washed since it was made and a floor that my shoes actually stick to. I don’t need 3D too.

Orbson Said What? – I never understood why people always use the term “You complete me” when discussing their relationship. I would never say that. It assumes that without someone else you are less than whole. I’d be like hey, there is only one hole I want to fill. Okay, two. But otherwise, you should have already been complete. Mrs. Orbson made me a better man, but I was already a man.

Currently Jamming Too-