Complaints Force Organizers to Completely Reformat Presidential Debates

Last week, millions of Americans tuned in to see their Presidential candidates eloquently explain specific remedies for the challenges that face our nation. Instead, we were treated to the ramblings of a compulsive liar and the emotionless, monotone responses of a thoroughly uninterested President. Disgusted viewers sent over 250,000 emails to the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) demanding immediate change. In response, the CPD has brought in producer Matt Kunitz to “liven up” the debates. Kunitz is the executive producer of the reality game show Wipeout and has also produced The Real World and Fear Factor. According to CPD Chairman Michael McCurry, “Kunitz will be able to implement the changes Americans want to see in the debates.”

Kunitz and the CPD say that the new debate format will cover three main areas. First, they want to ensure the veracity of the candidates’ statements. According to Pulitzer Prize winning fact checker Politifact, in the 25 examined statements from the first debate, 19 were deemed to be “Mostly false”, “False” or “Half true”. Mitt Romney seemed to find it particularly difficult to speak the truth. A debate full of lies has no inherent value to the American people. The new debate format will demand 100% honesty by punishing candidates after any dishonest statement. Fact checkers from Politifact and the Washington Post will be present to judge the candidates. The candidates themselves will also be hooked up to a polygraph machine. When a candidate is caught in a lie, a neon “LIAR!” sign will shine behind him and he will be punished by one of several “Poli-Tricks” including moderate to severe electric shocks, being dunked in a tub of ice water and having a bucket of slime dumped on their heads. The more blatant the lie, the more uncomfortable the punishment.

The second change in the debate format is the number of candidates. The CPD, a non-profit organization, was founded by Republicans and Democrats in 1987. Until now, its policies have greatly favored the two parties. To participate, candidates must show that opinion polls have them with at least 15% of the popular vote.  Of course, were they allowed to debate they might earn those numbers, however under CPD rules, candidates would never get the chance. The new format will open the debate to anyone who is both running for President and is on the ballot in at least 2 states. Current Presidential candidates, Gary Johnson (Libertarian), Jill Stein (Green), Virgil Goode (Constitution) and Rocky Anderson (Justice) will now be able to share their perspective with the American people. While this has been highly unpopular with both the Republicans and Democrats it seems unconscionable in a free and democratic society to not give an equal platform to every candidate.

The third and final change will be the way in which the debates are moderated. The CPD will be replacing all current moderators with a panel of professors, scientists and economists. Candidates will be given hypothetical scenarios in the areas of the economy, the environment, domestic issues, natural disasters, foreign relations, and military actions. They will be asked to make on the spot decisions on how they would handle those situations. The panel will then vote on the best answer, thus determining a debate “winner”. During any response, should a candidate go over his or her allotted time, a mechanized boxing glove will shoot from their podium and pop them in the nose.
   
The new format has already succeeded in doing the impossible. Republicans and Democrats have actually agreed, on something; they both completely despise the new format. However, both parties feel forced to comply since a Gallup poll showed that 89% of Americans love the new format. While the CPD was unable to arrange the new debate in time for the Vice Presidential debate, it will be unveiled at the next Presidential debate on Tuesday, October 16 at Hofstra University.




Unedited photograph by Eduardo Frei

Anonymous Hacks IRS Database- Publishes Romney Tax Returns

(This may be satire but when someone vehemently refuses to share something that every former President has shared, you kinda wonder what's he hiding?)

On Thursday evening, the mysterious group of hackers known as Anonymous successfully hacked the main database for the Internal Revenue Service. The group appeared to have a singular target- Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Romney has been criticized by both parties for his failure to produce more than one past tax return. According to Ann Romney on ABC’s “Good Morning America” they had no intention of ever disclosing the contents on those returns: “We’ve given all you people need to know and understand about our financial situation and how we live our life”. Anonymous however, seems to have thought that we “the people” might want to know a little more about the man who seeks the White House.

The Anonymous attack successfully retrieved 25-years worth of Romney’s tax returns and published them without permission on major websites throughout the Internet. The majority of these websites removed the returns within minutes, however it was too late to completely protect the candidate’s already tainted image. We at The Orbson Oracle were able to examine Romney’s 2008 tax return and found that he had good reason to fear its release. The 2008 return paints a picture of an extraordinarily wealthy man, whose low tax rate and bizarre itemized deductions will surely raise many questions as to his suitability to be President.

Romney campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul stated last week that “there has been no year in which Romney paid zero taxes”. In 2008, this was true. He earned $23,425,316 and paid $412.18 in federal income taxes. This calculates to a federal tax rate of 0.0018%. How did Romney get his tax burden so low? According to his return, he had approximately $23,407,000 in itemized deductions. These deductions ranged from $78,923 for “Toupee Creators Unlimited” and $41,826 for “Spray-on tan services” to a $3.8 million dollar write-off for a trip to Las Vegas with potential campaign donors. The Romney family also paid salaries to their numerous employees including, two yacht captains, three pilots for their private jets, two professional dog walkers, one toupee stylist and a “live-in contortionist”. What someone does with a live-in contortionist, one can only speculate. However, the $891,064 Romney spent on an “EWS Donor Party at the Pennsylvania Mansion” might give us a clue. While the return does not indicate what “EWS” stands for, given that the deducted supplies for the party included “Venetian masks, alcohol, lubricant and various Egyptian leather accessories” it was most likely an “Eyes Wide Shut” party.

In addition to his wild nights, Romney also deducted health related expenses. These included $127,000 for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a condition termed “Pseudologia fantastica” also known as Compulsive Liar Syndrome. This may explain why the Republican nominee’s views seem to change dramatically depending on his audience. In fact, his recent string of political gaffes may be the direct result of his inability to keep up with the many competing “truths” he has spoken over the past year. According to noted Psychiatrist Bryan King, “Pathological liars seem utterly sincere about their lies, but if confronted with facts to the contrary, will often just as sincerely reverse their story." According to Politifact, a news organization that researches the veracity of politician’s statements, only 16% of Romney’s examined statements were found to be completely true.

While the 2008 tax return only gives us a brief glimpse into the life of Mitt Romney, it is unlikely that the other 24 years would have given us a true complete picture. Given that Romney has several secret tax havens in the Cayman Islands, Bermuda and until recently Switzerland, we will likely never know the extent of his holdings or of the other unorthodox appetites he quenches with that money. However, the Anonymous hack did succeed in giving Americans a better understanding of the Republican candidate.



Photograph of Mitt Romney courtesy of Adam Glazman
Photograph of Guy Fawkes Mask courtesy of Anonymous Editor

Orbson's Feeling Gassy: Also Known as The Bachmann Effect

Republican Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has been busy on the campaign trail. Her latest campaign promise? Last Tuesday she told a group of supporters that, "Under President Bachmann you will see gasoline come down below $2 a gallon again…. That will happen.” I don’t know about you but when I read the words “President Bachmann” a little bit of vomit came up. However, I will ignore that nightmare scenario for a while and dig into the issue of the day.

I seriously wonder how people like this can get out of bed everyday without a post it note on their foreheads saying “get up now”. This shouldn’t even be a partisan issue it should be a simple common sense issue. There are two facts that I have yet to see questioned. First, there is a limited amount of oil on our planet. We do not know the exact amount, but we know that at some point it will run out. Secondly, using oil in our vehicles causes massive environmental issues that affect our air, land and water.

Look, the answer isn’t finding more places to drill oil. We have done enough damage. The answer is discovering ways to use clean energy to fuel our daily lives. Drilling for new oil is like trying to build a new relationship by visiting a whorehouse. You put your pipe in a hole, get the fluids pumping and then you go home alone. All you get is a quick fix and a significant likelihood your dingleberries will turn green and die. If you want a happy and healthy relationship, if you want to keep your dingleberries intact, you need to stop trying to find dirty new holes and start looking for a long-term solution. I heard wind gives a nice “blow” job (sorry I couldn’t resist).

The point is that I do not want $2 gas. I would prefer that it never drops below $4 again. The oil and automobile companies want us to keep drilling. They pay a shitload of money on lobbyists and politicians. Don’t believe me? Good? Orbson always says to question everything. Take a look for yourself at websites such as Open Congress where you can track the money donated to politicians. You may be surprised to see how often an industry’s biggest advocate in Congress is also getting a lot of money from that industry. Is it in the best interests of the people the politician represents? Hardly ever. Unfortunately this is not just a Republican truth, you’ll find it on both sides of the aisle.

Now some Smart people will likely ask me, “Orbson, I agree with what you say, but shouldn’t we dig a little bit? There are a lot of poor people who cannot afford $4 gas. They're suffering without cheaper gas.” I understand this question and the answer is not easy. The problem with our country is that everyone feels entitled. We are entitled to all of the services we want, but don’t want to pay any of the bills. If gas were $2 people wouldn’t complain, the Prius wouldn’t be so popular (I want one) and automobile companies wouldn’t be worried about building cars with better fuel economy. Even the Smart people can get complacent when everything is too easy. We owe it to our children’s children to act. We must suffer a little now for the betterment of the future. We, as a nation, have fallen behind the rest of the world in mass transit. We consume and consume. Yet, our feelings of entitlement have blinded us to the damage we are doing. Finally, if you are still unsure, ask yourself this, what would Jesus drive? (The answer is a unicycle. I asked him last weekend during our latest Vegas adventure.)



Orbson’s Feeling Relevent: Why are all of our politicians taking bus tours around the country? Great, 3 miles a gallon, way to be pro environment and set a good example. No, I’m not just talking about the Palin bus debacle; Obama himself had a bus tour. Barack buddy, what were you thinking? What’s next? PETA dons fur coats and takes us hunting? Planned Parenthood holding Orgyfest 2011? Fox News reporting on… News? Seriously people, at least pretend you care about the Earth.


Orbson’s Online Presence: Don’t worry, not porn this week. Today’s website is Politifact. The Pulitzer Prize winner for National Reporting is run by the St. Petersburg Times and calls out politicians with their “truth-o-meter”. Particularly amusing is their “pants on fire” rating.

Orbson on His Hometown: Last weekend was the Michigan Dream Cruise. This is a celebration that involves parading old gas-guzzling cars up and down Woodward Avenue while people sit by the side of the road drinking beer. Of course on Monday morning things will go back to normal. You’ll still find people sitting by the side of the road drinking beer as gas guzzling cars drive by. However, now they’ll be holding up cardboard signs that say “Will work for food.”

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