Michele Bachmann’s Secret Army of Killer Robot Piñatas

August 1, 2011 – Disturbing news concerning Republican Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann has reached the Orbson Oracle. Photographic evidence and eyewitness testimony shows that Bachmann may be secretly building an army of killer robot piñatas with the intent to eradicate illegal immigrants.

Bachmann, as well as a majority of conservatives, are vocal supporters of tougher immigration laws and stronger enforcement of existing laws. In 2006, Bachmann stated, “We must start by using new technologies such as electronic surveillance where most effective. We need to enforce current laws by holding responsible those who willfully violate our nation’s immigration laws.” Since 2006, it appears that Bachmann has taken her plan to new and horrifying levels.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a source spoke at length with the Editor of The Orbson Oracle, Orbson Rice: “I saw Mrs. Bachmann training the piñatas herself. She’d fake a migraine to get out of Congressional duties, but would really go to a secret facility in Montana.” When asked about the nature of the piñata training facility, the source stated, “It was horrific. She brought bus loads of illegal immigrants to the facility and told them they could become citizens if they assisted her with a ‘project’. Then she’d unleash the piñatas. At first the immigrants thought they had been invited to a party. That’s when the screaming would begin. The piñatas hunted the immigrants and shot lasers from their monstrous black horns. Then, the piñatas devoured them into their empty, soulless bodies. They were trained to track people who were seeking a better life. The more hope and optimism they sensed, the more likely it was that the target was an illegal immigrant. This prevented the piñatas from attacking Americans, most of whom feel very little hope or optimism.”

In an effort to confirm our source’s story, I personally traveled to the Montana facility. What I found there was extremely unsettling. Hidden deep in the Montana wilderness lies a compound of large military style buildings surrounded by a 20-foot electrified fence. As I approached the main gate, I was accosted by two men who were wearing camouflage but no military insignias. They refused to answer my questions and gazed at each other in fear when I mentioned Michelle Bachmann by name. I was ordered to leave the area immediately, but I returned later that night. Using a pair of bolt cutters and a de-electrification gel, I was able to cut through the electrified fence and make my way to the nearest building. The doors were secured, however I was able to hoist myself up and look through a small window. What I witnessed will undoubtedly haunt me for an eternity- an army of killer robot piñatas. I was lucky enough to get a picture of a few of them, but I had forgotten to turn off the flash. The piñatas attacked with an unnatural speed. I raced to the hole in the fence and was able to squeeze through just in time. I was disappointed; I had wanted documented proof of Bachmann’s involvement. Tens of thousands of piñatas slammed against the fence, but luckily they did not follow me through. I looked back in fear at their glowing, evil red eyes as they chanted with unnatural voices: “kill, kill, kill, crazy bitch commands, kill, kill, kill….” Proof enough for me. I didn’t stop running until I hit Idaho.