Happy Orbsonversary!!!

“One year ago, Orbson Rice exploded into the world. There are many legends regarding the origins of the Orbson. Some believe he was created by the Gods to entertain, educate and inspire. Others believe that he is the love child of Jon Stewart and George Carlin. Regardless of the mythology, readers have come from all over the world to reach out and grasp his magic Orbs.”

Exposing My Orbs
Orbson Rice

Today I celebrate the one year anniversary of The Orbson Oracle!!! 82 times I have placed my fingers to these keys for a reason other than looking up Katie Morgan videos. Looking back over my Orbs (no more ‘blog entries’ or ‘articles’) I am pleased to say that I accomplished what I had set out to do. Better yet, I have discovered a newfound love of writing satire. I’ve often worried about being yet another liberal, standing on a homemade soapbox and yelling about the world’s problems. Satire has allowed me to bring to light a real topic (i.e. that idiot Republican who blames kindergarten for high crime rates) and envelop it with ridicule and sarcasm. See Mom, sarcasm pays off!

With that in mind, I will be making some exciting new changes to the Oracle over the coming months. First, it will cease to be a blog and will morph like an Orbson from an attorney-shaped cocoon into a real website. The exact details of this website are currently top secret in order to protect myself from the very real possibility of not following through on every one of my 3,183 ideas (has anyone noticed if my Café Press store is still up). Second, as you may have noticed from the quote above, I have finished writing “Exposing My Orbs”. For those of you who need a refresher, Exposing My Orbs contains every Orb I have ever written. I have added a fair amount of commentary and included some Orbs from my pre-Orbson years for your entertainment. What I had expected to be an easier to read version of The Orbson Oracle has become the tale of my journey as a writer and a satirist. This has made for a fairly lengthy book, so even if you don’t read it you can use it to hit Republicans over the head. At the outset, I will be releasing it as an e-book with a paperback version hopefully to follow. As promised, I will initially offer the book for FREE to my loyal Orbsonites! I am SO not a Republican. I’ll have the exact dates and information for your download in the coming weeks. I’m putting the finishing touches on my Orbs right now and trying to nail down the cover. I hope you enjoy the book as much as I have enjoyed writing for you this past year.

Well Katie calls, but before I go I just want to say thank you for taking the time to read my words and for joining me on this journey. I promise to continue writing, continue battling The Stupid and continue being a little obscene, a little crazy and a buckets full of Orbson Rice.

Orbson by the Numbers:

52,790 combined page views
21,202 Facebook Shares
23,332 Facebook Likes
82 posts on The Orbson Oracle
20 satiric Orbs published on Free Wood Post


Artwork by qthomasbower, check out his other great stuff here!

Clinton Appointed to Secret Service Chaperone Position

On Tuesday, former President Bill Clinton was appointed to the position of Chaperone of the United States Secret Service. In reaction to the recent controversy involving alcohol, strippers and prostitutes in Colombia, the Secret Service has instituted new “rules of conduct” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/28/secret-service-chaperones_n_1461457.html for its agents. One of the measures involves the appointment of a “chaperone” to monitor agents’ actions and enforce the new higher standards. Within hours of the announcement, President Clinton made a formal request to fill the position. According to White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, “The former President was adamant that he would be able to provide the proper oversight for the after-hours activities of Secret Service agents and President Obama agreed.”

After examining the old version of "The Secret Service Rules of Conduct", it is unclear whether the "new rules" were needed or just a reaction to the controversy. In the section labeled “Engaging prostitutes while visiting foreign countries”, the rules clearly stated:

1. Agents may entertain no more than five prostitutes per room, per evening.
2. If agents are garbed in outfits including but not limited to sexy kitten costumes, French maid outfits or latex body suits, they should refrain from leaving their hotel rooms.
3. Agents should refrain from creating a scene with prostitute(s) due to unrequited articulations of love or refusal to pay for services rendered.

Had the agents followed the previously established protocol there likely would not have been a scandal in Colombia. Still, according to Clinton the inclusion of a chaperone will create an aura of respectability. “The agents can still have a good time, but they’ll do it in a more discreet and professional way. I understand blowing off some steam, but they need to be believable when they deny it later.” The first test of the new regime will occur this weekend in Bangkok, Thailand where the former President is already getting comfortable in his new position by thoroughly vetting potential escorts.



Currently Jamming To:

President George W. Bush to be Immortalized on Mount Rushmore

This July, former President George W. Bush will be given one of this country’s greatest honors, a permanent place on Mount Rushmore. The newly created sculpture of the former President will stand alongside George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln. While the inclusion of Bush on the famous monument would be expected to stir criticism and protest, the decision has gone mostly unnoticed by the mainstream media. According to the National Park Service, the proposal to add Bush was buried in a 482-page Senate appropriations bill. Nobody noticed the rider until the bill was approved and construction had already begun. The provision, written by U.S. Senator Marco Rubio (FL) a.k.a. the “Crown Prince” of the Tea Party, described the former President as “the greatest in the last 100 years”.

Since news of the Bush addition to Mount Rushmore broke, Rubio and other Republicans have rushed to defend the decision. During a CNN interview, Rubio stated, “George W. Bush, in my opinion, did a fantastic job as president.” In a recent speech on the economic recovery, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie agreed, “Mr. President [Bush], thank you for setting that example, thank you for inspiring a whole new generation of conservative Republican leaders who you helped create,”
recent Sunday, U.S. Representative Paul Ryan (WI) sat down with ABC correspondent Katie Couric to discuss the Bush Legacy and the Mount Rushmore honor:

“It is only with perspective can we truly evaluate the actions of a President. Bush himself said, ‘I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.’ Reagan left office, many believed he did a horrible job. Now, he is remembered as one of this country’s greats. George W. Bush took office on the precipice of some of the worse times in our country’s history: 9/11, the Great Recession, bubbles bursting, foreclosures, natural disasters, failing banks and businesses. Most Presidents only have to deal with one or two major issues, President Bush had to deal with dozens of issues, most of which were a direct result of the Clinton era. It took time, but now we see that his courageous policies got us through those tough times and we are seeing the results: more jobs, a stronger economy, and better foreign relations. These results are not due to the current President. These are the results of President George W. Bush. He will be remembered as one of the greatest President’s in American history and I could not be more excited to see his face on Mount Rushmore.”

With construction already underway, there seems little that can be done. The President who once said,"I'm going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened” seems to have had his wish granted.

Romney: “I am a Proud Member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men”

Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican nominee for President, is a proud member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men (NAAWM). This past week, Romney spoke at a political fundraiser at the Myers Park Country Club in Charlotte, North Carolina. The “membership is by invitation only” country club costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $60,000 to get into the door, plus monthly dues and usage fees. The cost to attend the Romney fundraiser was a meager $1,000 per person and $2,500 to have your photo taken with the former Governor. What better place for the multi-millionaire candidate to find financial supporters for his campaign. Not surprisingly, he also found other members of NAAWM.

During the event, Romney was asked by a potential donor how his membership in the NAAWM would affect his candidacy. Romney responded,

“I am proud to be a member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men. There is a negative backlash in this country against the wealthy white male and it needs to stop. It is simply an example of class warfare tinged by racism that is perpetrated by the left. We are the ones who create the businesses, we are the ones who founded the United States, and we are the ones that enable minorities to provide for their families by creating jobs. They should not be attacking us; they should be thanking us on bended knee. President Obama says I was born with a ‘silver spoon’ in my mouth, well guess what, silver is cheap. I was born with a diamond spoon in my mouth and come November I am going to use those diamonds to buy my way into the White House. Not just for me, but for persecuted wealthy white men throughout this great nation.”

While Romney’s fundraising base might agree with his assessment, it seems unlikely that the majority of Americans would concur. According to OpenSecrets.org, Romney has raised $75 million for his campaign with only 10% coming from “small donations” (under $200). President Obama however, has raised over $156 million with 45% coming from small donations. Proving once again that a unified people will always be more powerful than simple wealth.




Photo by Donkey Hotey

The Orbson in the Woods

One Orbson goes into the woods; “you think you know the story”. Yes, Orbsonites, I actually paid money to go to the theater. There is only one man who could get me to purchase a $12 popcorn, a $6 watered down soda and plop my butt down on an uncomfortably sticky seat for 95 minutes. That man is Joss Whedon. I bow before his greatness. All hail Joss, all hail Joss, all hail Joss.

Sorry about that. If I do not say my three “all hails” Joss will write another great TV show that the Fox Network will run out of order, subjugate it to Friday nights and then cancel it 14 episodes into the first season. Damn, I still miss Firefly. Anyway, last Saturday I went to the movies to see The Cabin in the Woods. I can’t really say anything about it without spoilers, so I will just give my ratings: Netflix: 4 stars, Schoolyard: A-/B+, Buy or Rent: Buy it. The horror genre may be off-putting to some people, however there was definitely more laughs than suspense and even Mrs. Orbson (who dislikes horror movies) enjoyed it.

As for my own personal journey through the woods, my adventure has been fraught with horrific beasts determined to suck out my life force. Or, as you know them, Republicans. Relax, I’m just kidding Republicans. Newt Gingrich could never be considered a “horrific beast”. I mean really, the guy goes to the zoo and a freakin penguin attacks him. Some of the cutest creatures in the zoo take one look at Newt and think “Oh, I am so going to bite this fucker’s fingers off!” Yes Newt, even the penguins hate you.

This really has been an odd news week: Romney and Cookie-gate, Newt and Penguin-gate, the Secret Service and Cheapskate. Speaking of the Secret Service and the not so secret servicing the Secret Service received while they were supposed to be in service to the President who was likely being serviced by his wife…. Oops, sorry lost myself for a moment. My take on this is pretty simple. I get it, you have a pretty stressful job, but you’re supposed to be the SECRET Service. There is nothing secret about 21 prostitutes. Sure, you might have been able to get away with 19, but 21 is just being greedy. Speaking of greedy, pay the women when you’re done. How would you like it if you were plugged at work and then were told you weren’t getting paid? I don’t mind if you relieve your stress by employing a professional stress reliever. But, when you’re done, PAY YOUR PROSTITUTE!

Orbson’s Glued to the TV: So, I caught the first two episodes of Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 and found it absolutely hilarious. If you enjoy raunchy and sarcastic humor, check it out. I have also been revisiting Chuck on DVD. If you have not seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out.

Orbson’s Final Thought: As I write these words, Saturday is now one hour young. I find myself thinking about empty yesterdays and remind myself that Saturday is not yet written. Saturday could be amazing. I can embrace a new experience or savor an old one. I don’t want to look back upon this Saturday and not remember what I did. I want to soar, I want to swim, I want to talk hard and write soft. I want to close Saturday with a sigh, a smile and an orgasm. What do you want your Saturday to be?

Currently Jamming Too:

270-Day Waiting Period Required for Mississippi Abortions

(No, it's not an "Onion", that is an Orbson you're holding in your hands)

On Thursday, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant (R) is expected to sign a bill that would extend Mississippi’s mandatory abortion waiting period to 270 days. Given the average length of pregnancy and the illegality of late term abortions this law will essentially ban all abortions in the state of Mississippi.

Bryant has been a vocal advocate of abolishing abortion rights. Earlier this year he stated, “We want Mississippi to be abortion free.” Mississippi already has some of the strictest anti-abortion laws in the country. The state’s lone abortion clinic, which has been subject to numerous threats of violence, may be forced to close by yet another piece of legislation. This past Monday, a second bill was signed by Bryant that would require doctors who perform abortions to be a certified OB-GYN with admitting privileges to a local hospital. Due to religious and political reasons along with the threat of violence from radical opponents, obtaining admitting privileges can be very difficult. One might wonder why this bill would be necessary with the passage of the new 270-day waiting period. Bryant appears to be circumventing potential legal entanglements by producing multiple anti-abortion laws with hopes that some of them will get through the courts. At a recent Jesus Loves Embryos charity event Bryant stated, “If we pass 1,000 laws to limit abortion, some will get through and we will be that much closer to victory.”

Women’s rights advocates claim that the 270-day mandatory waiting period is clearly unconstitutional under Roe v Wade as well as subsequent Supreme Court cases. They believe that this latest attempt to regulate women’s bodies will only result in costly legal fees for Mississippi citizens. Bryant appears to be willing to take that chance, “This is a necessary action in the ongoing battle against a murderous act. This bill, standing alone, does not ban abortion so the Courts should leave it alone. If they do not, we will fight.” However, the cost of that fight will undoubtedly seriously harm the already impoverished people of Mississippi. Bryant has already made cuts to state run orphanages, the public school lunch program and welfare recipients. In Mississippi, as comedian George Carlin once said, “If you're pre-born, you're fine; if you're pre-school, you're fucked.”

Captain America Defects to Canada

April 11, 2012 marks an historic and sad day for the people of United States of America. Their most beloved hero, Captain America, has decided to defect to Canada. During a press conference in the former city of Gotham, now known as Detroit, Captain America spoke at length about his decision. “It is with heartfelt regret that I must renounce my U.S. citizenship and announce that I have become a citizen of the great nation of Canada.” This surprise declaration comes in the wake of other notable defections including Superman, Green Arrow, Wolverine and Batman.

According to the 2006 Canadian census, in the past twenty years, cases of U.S. citizens immigrating to Canada have doubled. Canada is ranked 5th happiest country in the world by the United Nations and 2nd by the Economic Co-operation and Development Better Life Index. With its educated populace (87% have a high school degree or more), high literacy, low crime and the second best reported overall health in the world, Canada is quickly becoming the premier destination for those searching for a better life.

However, as Captain America discussed, immigrating to Canada is not an easy task. “Over the past six months I have put myself through the rigorous “I Wanna be a Canadian Eh Training Program”. I have learned to pilot a zamboni, I have seen Canadian Bacon 17 times and now understand the significance of a “blue line” and “icing”. I’ve also promised to leave any rude and obnoxious U.S. behavior here in the States and embrace the Canadian concept of ‘being nice to each other’.”

U.S. citizens should rest assured that they still have the highest number of superheroes per capita of any nation in the world. Still, with the recent tragic death of Aquaman due to over-polluted waters, our inspiration and protection now rests in the hands of heroes such as Batwing, The Wonder Twins and Lebron James. Captain America, now known as Colonel Canada, will certainly be missed.

Famous Statue of Liberty Sonnet to be Replaced

On Tuesday, Congress will vote on a measure to replace the final five lines of the famous sonnet “New Colossus” on the Statue of Liberty with a poem written by Arizona Republican Governor, Jan Brewer. Since 1883, the words of poet Emma Lazarus has adorned the plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty. The five lines in question are:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Governor Brewer spoke about the proposed measure. “The Lazarus sonnet has no place in this country. It is essentially like putting a sign on your front door saying, ‘sure, come right in and take whatever you’d like.’ Well, I’m sick of people taking. I believe it is time we put up a new sign that says ‘we don’t want your kind here’.” Certainly, Brewer’s replacement lines do just that:

"When darkness breaches our golden shore,
Be wary, those who seek to come,
Whose purity reaches not the core,
The Godly shall cleanse the vile scum,
Our guns shall sound and you’ll hit the floor."

Opponents of the measure claim that the added lines are clearly racist and degrade the purpose of both the sonnet and the Statue of Liberty itself. According to the Statue of Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation, New Colossus has "come to symbolize the statue's universal message of hope and freedom for immigrants coming to America and people seeking freedom around the world." When confronted with that fact, Brewer stated, “Well, maybe we’ll need to do something about the statue next.”

Calls to the foundation revealed that the Statue is currently closed to the public for renovations. Whether this will include the replacement lines for the New Colossus, we will find out when Congress votes on Tuesday.




Photograph by Erik Daniel Drost

New Liberal Laws to Battle the Stupid

If Republicans can propose laws that support the conservative principles of racism, sexism and homophobia, I think as liberals we should start proposing a few laws of our own:

Animal Rights

The Hunter Reciprocity Act: Hunting will continue to remain legal, however twice per year in addition to normal permit requirements, hunters must let animals hunt them. Since animals cannot carry guns, unarmed hunters will carry bloody raw (pink slime free) meat on their person to help aid the animals in their hunt. If a hunter can shoot a dear from a ¼ mile away with a scoped rifle, it is only fair to let a pack of wolves (cougars, bears or llamas are fine as well) get their shot too. In addition, hunting permits will now include an additional $1000 fee that will be divided equally among P.E.T.A., The Sierra Club and The Center for Biological Diversity.

The Animal Rights Act: All animals that are raised for food, clothing, immoral sex acts, or Hollywood movies must be treated humanely. No more nasty slaughterhouses, no more animals living in their own feces, no more 40 chickens being made to share a 1 square foot compartment. All animals should be treated like you would treat your pet dog. Well, maybe not YOUR pet dog. I’ve heard what you used to do with the peanut butter. Anyway, animals are living creatures and deserve respect before we turn them into a hamburger or chicken nugget.

The 2nd Amendment

The 2nd Amendment Revisited: We will NEVER take away anyone’s right to carry a gun. Seriously! Never, ever! Howeeevvvveeerrrrr, from here on out the 2nd amendment only applies to water guns. Sorry NRA, Now you have to change your name to NWGA.


Separation of Church and State:

In accordance with the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States it is hereafter unlawful to have any religious wording or symbols used by any nationally funded entity, governmental entity or any private entity that receives federal funding. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of the word “God” on currency or nationally recognized songs and pledges. The dollar bill shall now read “In Al Gore We Trust”

Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts, as well as help support Planned Parenthood and NPR.

A New Amendment

The 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution: Each fiscal year the total expenditures for war, or war-like activities, cannot exceed 50% of the total expenditures for the combined budgets of The Department of Education, NASA, and the National Endowment of the Arts. A year by year exception can occur only if 80% of Congress, the standing President and 67% of the voting public approve it.

In 2011, the military budget was approximately $740 billion (not counting veteran expenses or homeland security). The combination of the D of E, NASA and NEA was only $67.4 billion. I think it is time we start focusing more on education, innovation and creativity. Let’s put our tax dollars toward growth, prosperity and the acquisition of knowledge and stop putting it toward new ways to kill each other.


Orbson Read What! In Pic de Bugarach, France more than 20,000 people have gathered at an upside down mountain. No, the weird part is not the upside down mountain. That actually made sense when it was explained. What didn’t make sense was that these 20,000+ people believe that on Dec 21, 2012 the world will come to an end. Luckily for the believers, a race of aliens will emerge from the mountain to fly them to a new planet. Of all of the religious mythologies out there, this may be one of the funniest.

U.S.A. Flag’s Stars to be Replaced with Crosses

On Thursday, the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in favor of a regulation to remove some of the stars on the U.S. flag in favor of religious crosses. The legislation was initially introduced in Alabama and was quickly mimicked by other southern states. Evangelical Christians, Senator Roy Enbrieder from Mississippi and Florida Governor Rick Scott held a celebratory rally today outside of Enbreider’s palatial mansion. “This is an important day in our country”, spoke Enbreider, “The federal government has usurped power from the states for long enough. Today, we get some of that power back. Our flag is supposed to represent our great country with each star representing a single state. Yet many of us believe in a symbol much greater than a simple star. We believe in the power of God and the power of our savior Jesus Christ. The courts have agreed, if any state votes in favor of the change, that simple star will be replaced by our magnificent cross.”

Currently there are eight states seeking to replace their star with the cross: Florida, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Idaho, Oklahoma and Kansas. Opponents of the decision have begun preparations to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, but it is unlikely to be resolved before the flag change occurs. However, the full ramifications of the Circuit Court’s decision may not have been foreseen by conservatives. Legislation is popping up in multiple states to change their star to something other than a cross. Michigan wants a small mitten though they may have to fight Wisconsin for that honor, Nevada is seeking to replace theirs with a “$” and New York would like an extended middle finger to represent their state. Perhaps the most astounding potential replacement comes from cash-strapped California who will be “renting” out their star to advertisers. Internet service provider, Go Daddy, appears to be the current front runner, though Ikea has also expressed interest. Regardless, in a few months, the U.S. flag will likely be forever altered.

Santorum Admitted to Rehab

The stress of Super Tuesday and the on-going battle with Mitt Romney has apparently become too much for Rick Santorum. Sunday evening, Santorum checked himself into Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” Christian counseling clinic. The Minneapolis clinic caused controversy for Bachmann during her brief bid for the Republican nomination. An ABC News investigation revealed a former patient who was advised by clinic administrators that “with prayer and effort, he could eventually learn to be attracted to women and rid himself of his gay urges.”

Santorum’s admission to the “Pray Away the Gay” facility comes as a surprise to many, though looking back, the clues may have been in the headlines:

“Poll: Santorum comes from behind in Alabama three-way”
“Santorum blasts Obama during Cumming rally”
“Santorum Surges With Low-Dollar Model Poised for Iowa Surprise”
“Huntsman Heartened by Santorum’s Rise”
“Rick Santorum runs hard on long final day in Iowa”

A person close to Santorum’s inner circle spoke at length about the Santorum’s decision:

“It was Romney. Mr. Santorum had all of those debates with him and it became too much. He’d wake up in terror after having inappropriate dreams about Mitt. He would just keep repeating, ‘The hair, I can’t stop thinking about running my hands through that beautiful hair.’ Finally, he decided enough was enough and went to get treatment. He’ll be cured, back in no time and after he wins the nomination, Romney won’t be around to tempt him with that beautiful mane.”

When asked whether Santorum might begin to have similar feelings toward President Obama, the source replied, “Oh no, he doesn’t believe in interracial relationships.”

Liberals have publicly denounced Bachmann’s clinic and tend to favor the belief that people can love whomever they choose. Recently, at this writer’s urging, liberals have been opening Pray Away the Stupid Centers across the country. Since conservative leaders generally prefer the masses stay ignorant, liberals hope that introducing the ignorant and intolerant to ideas like reading books and listening to facts could have a tremendous intellectual impact on the country. Until that impact is felt however, the only wood Rick Santorum will likely be sporting will be used to build his new closet.

Read More From Orbson Rice on Free Wood Post:

Grand Canyon to be ‘Filled In’ For Theme Park

Orbson Rice is a deeply disturbed professional Writer and Editor. He is also the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more from the God of Words himself.

Original Artwork by DonkeyHotey

Orbson Answers His Email: Civil War 2 Part Deux

I’ve had a few questions from people wondering whether my examples of conservative attacks during what I refer to as Civil War 2 were merely a sample of a much larger group or isolated incidents. Unfortunately, they are just a tiny sample. Here are some more to think about:

Mississippi House Bill 1384: “public school history courses may not promote any partisan agenda or philosophy”. Republicans have been trying to get this bill passed for many years. Of course history has always been slanted toward those who are in power. However in a free country history, like journalism should be about facts. The problem is that Republicans do not like facts. Facts and religion never mesh well. It does not take a long Google search to find conservative groups who say that the South was the right side in the Civil War, that the Women’s Rights movement was a bad thing and that all homosexuals should be imprisoned. Shocked by the last one? I was too.

Nebraska Bill 461 would allow all doctors to refuse ANY (not just abortions) procedure they have a religious, ethical or moral objection to. Also, pharmacists would be allowed to refuse to fill a woman’s prescription for birth control or morning-after pill. If you consider the many religious, ethical and moral objects a person could have, the possible reasons to deny treatment are endless. Of course, I have a moral and ethical objection to Republicans so maybe I should move to Nebraska and become a doctor.

The Kansas House of Representatives passes a 69-page bill with hidden provisions that would among other things, allows doctors to lie to their patients about prenatal issues if those issues might lead the woman to consider abortion. Even in an ectopic pregnancy, which is often fatal, doctors do not have to tell their patients about the condition. And just so we remember they are still true Republicans, they added on a 6.3% sales tax to abortions including those had by rape victims or who only had it because it was medically necessary to save their own lives. This bill is not unique. In Arizona, the Arizona Senate joined 8 other states in shielding doctors from malpractice claims when those doctors did not inform their patients of prenatal conditions that might lead their patient to an abortion.


So You Think I Only Keep My Eye on Republicans:

I have mentioned previously how disappointed I am in President Obama’s environmental policies. So as to demonstrate that I do keep an eye on Democrats too, here are just a couple of current issues I have:

Drilling in the Arctic begins this Summer! “President Obama has given approval to Shell to drill for oil this summer in the vulnerable Arctic. In hopes of uncovering new sources of dirty fossil fuels, Arctic drilling could also unleash more than 11 billion tons of carbon pollution -- making it ever more difficult to stave off devastating climate change.” Also, if there is another oil spill, because of the location it would be almost impossible to clean.

Endangered Species Under Attack: A new policy proposed under the Obama administration would redefine key passages of the Endangered Species Act. They key distinction seems to be that a species status would be determined by global population and not just regional. For example, there are a lot of bald eagles in Alaska. Therefore had this policy change been in effect previously, the eagles could have completely died out in the lower 48 states and nothing would have been done about it. Ecosystems are fragile things. Whenever a species dies out by unnatural manmade cause, there is a ripple effect in that region. 89 conservation groups and 97 scientists agree that this new policy will have a tremendous negative impact on efforts to protect endangered species.

To see the full text of the quotes and to check out more environmental battles, check out the Center for Biological Diversity.


Orbson has not forgotten: I know I said this entry would be lighter, but I wanted to answer a couple of email questions today. I am still working on my Laws for Democrats to Pass to Piss off Republicans entry. Here is a sample: “In accordance with the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States it is hereafter unlawful to have any religious wording or symbols used by any nationally funded entity, governmental entity or any private entity that receives federal funding. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of the word “God” on currency or nationally recognized songs and pledges.

Did you Know?

Do not let conservatives lie to you. Our Founding Fathers did not believe this was a Christian Country- The Treaty of Tripoli, which was read on the Senate floor in 1797 and signed into law by John Adams begins, “As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion….” Yeah, that’s right. Oh, and by the way, it was unanimously approved. How do you think those words would go over with the general populous today?

Civil War 2- Attack of the Stupid

Good morning Orbsonites! As you know, I have been out battling the Stupid. I have spread knowledge to those who are without and preached freedom, tolerance and love to those who live only with hate. Unfortunately, I am failing. I just finished reading the latest news stories; an act which often leaves me feeling depressed. I have come to a realization. We are under attack. Liberals everywhere are being attacked in both large and small ways by the religious conservatives in this country. Readers, you know I enjoy poking fun at conservatives. I have often seen them as that cat who runs full speed into a staircase only to crash headfirst. I laugh and say, “Dumb cat”. I believe the Republican Party is made up of millions of dumb cats. I have joked that the reason religious leaders oppose contraception is because alter boys can’t get pregnant. That the reason Rush Limbaugh would call someone a “slut” is because she, like every other intelligent woman in the world, would never touch him. Yet recently I am starting to see something deeper behind their acts. Something dark. Something evil.

Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.

Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.

Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.

Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.

Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!

What the “Fuck” is Wrong with the MPAA?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That is how many times that single word is spoken in the DOCUMENTARY “Bully”. That’s right, six times in the entire film. The MPAA (Motion Picture Ass. of America) feels as though this is deserving of an “R” rating which means that the film’s target audience will not be able to see it without a parent. Everyday kids in this country are tormented and too many parents don’t take this issue seriously. Bullying is detrimental not only to the learning experience but plays a crucial role in how children view themselves. With the advent of social media bullying can seem like a relentless attack leading many children to consider violence or suicide as their only options. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, suicide is the 6th leading cause of death for children between 5-13 years old and the 3rd leading cause of death for those between 14-24 years old. These are among the saddest statistics I’ve ever seen. Every day children have to go to school afraid of what awaits them.

I have not seen “Bully”. I do not know if this DOCUMENTARY will place the spotlight on the issue and show the tormented that they are not alone. Or if it will tell the tormentors that what they are doing is quite simply, evil. What I do know is that it is impossible to walk into a middle school or high school and not hear the word “Fuck”. Should they be using it? No, or at least not as often as they do. Do they say it anyway? Yes. A documentary, viewed by kids, will not be taken seriously if it looks like it came out of High School Musical. Real life is gritty, it is dirty and sometimes it is profane.

Producer, Harvey Weinstein is a self-aggrandizing businessman who has to absolutely love all of the free publicity he is getting from this controversy. However, he is also right. I love movies, but the rating system is representative of the conservative population of this country- people who shout the loudest and whose puritanical views I find reprehensible. My imaginary 13-year-old can go by herself to see a wide array of PG-13 movies that contain tremendous amounts of violence. Don’t believe me? Go rent Pearl Harbor, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Batman Returns, The Dark Knight or War of the Worlds (to name a few). However a DOCUMENTARY that is aimed to teach and help her is deemed inappropriate because of six f-bombs?

I have wanted to write an entry that delves deeper into why our society seems to consider sexuality as a bigger evil than violence. I do not understand. Sexuality is beautiful and natural. Violence, by its very nature is an act of evil. I would be much more inclined to let my imaginary daughter see a movie with nudity than with violence. However, this is neither. This is just six swear words that she probably hears every day at school. Six words that we have spoken about and I have tried to explain my view of them to her. The MPAA’s decision is yet another lesson in morality from those whose craniums have become permanently domiciled in their rectal cavity. So, I will make it easy. Violence is evil. Sex is great. Six “fucks” to help stop the innocent from being hurt? PG.



Orbson Tweets: When the choices are named Romney, Santorum, Paul and Gingrich Tuesdays should never be called “Super”.

An Orbson Discovery: Today's find is amazing!!!!! Kickstarter at www.kickstarter.com. This is a public website where, artists, musicicans, writers and inventors can post projects that need funding. For example,the band Augustine who is trying to produce its first full length album. Fans, followers and people passing by have donated more than $12,000 toward their dream. In exchange they are given everything from autographed CDs ($10 donation) to a private show at your home ($1,000 donation). With this site, everyone wins. Awesome, awesome, awesome idea! Check out an Augustine song below.

Republicans Accuse Victoria’s Secret of Murdering Babies

A teenage boy bursting with angst and urges makes his way to the mailbox. He opens it and his eyes immediately fall on the glossy cover of the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog. Forgetting the rest of the mail he makes his way back to his bedroom, locks the door and begins an act that many deem as perfectly natural. However, with the latest controversy about the “evils” of contraception some now view this act as murder. Every day millions of potential babies end up discarded in tissues at the side of the bed. For what? A few minutes of pleasure? Is Victoria’s Secret unknowingly aiding in baby genocide? This is the question that the recently created House of Representatives Sub Committee on Ejaculatory Expenditures recently investigated.

Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has spearheaded the debate on the evils of contraception. “[Contraception is] not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be within marriage, they are supposed to be … procreative.” Following this logic, it would be easy to conclude that any act of ejaculation not strictly for reproductive purposes could be considered “not okay”. Jack Stroker, Mississippi State Representative and head of the Sub Committee on Ejaculatory Expenditures, made news this week when he released the results of the Committee’s inquiry into the matter. “We took a hands on approach to the issue of masturbation. We realize this is a very sensitive issue to many people, however we ultimately came to the conclusion that masturbation is murder.”

While Stroker pointed to numerous publications, websites and films that contributed to this masturbatory genocide, it was his attack on intimate apparel chain Victoria’s Secret that drew national attention this week. “Porn is evil, we all know that. But it is the hidden porn that I am concerned about. That [Victoria’s Secret] catalog can be received by anyone. There are no regulations concerning its content or who can look at a copy. It really tugs at my heart strings to know that billions of babies are never being given the chance to live because of that catalog.”

For Victoria’s Secret this is a potentially sticky public relations situation. Other companies such as Sports Illustrated with their coveted swimsuit issue are waiting to see who Republicans might take a whack at next. In the meantime, liberal organizations are already mounting rallies in support of Victoria’s Secret and the American right to masturbate. Oregon based group, Society for the Protection of the Rub and Tug or S.P.R.T. is sponsoring an Occupy Hand event. On February 29, they are requesting that all supporters “Rub One Out for Freedom”. Movements like these are popping up all over the country as supporters of Victoria’s Secret take to their bedrooms in protest.

While Stroker’s attack on Victoria’s Secret and the murderous nature of masturbation is currently focused on male masturbation, he also finds the issue of female masturbation troubling. “Pleasure for the sake of pleasure is never a good thing. God created sexuality for one purpose only- reproduction. Anything else is an act of evil. I believe the potential dangers of female masturbation are great.” Hearings before the Sub Committee on Controlling Unnatural Female Urges with begin later this month.

Neurobiologist Proves Rats are More Compassionate than Republicans.

In the December 2011 issue of Science, a study by University of Chicago neurobiologists proved that rats are empathetic creatures with a strong impulse to aid other troubled rats. This study has further strengthened the concept that even rats are more compassionate than Republicans.

The study of rat empathy consisted of a series of experiments in which one rat was free to roam while another was caged. If the free rat applied pressure on the cage it was able to free the captive rodent. Once it learned this result, it consistently freed his neighbor. After further testing it was concluded that,"They freed cagemates even when social contact was prevented. When liberating a cagemate was pitted against chocolate contained within a second restrainer, rats opened both restrainers and typically shared the chocolate. Thus, rats behave pro-socially in response to a conspecific’s distress, providing strong evidence for biological roots of empathically motivated helping behavior.”

The implications of this study have already begun to permeate the public consciousness as Americans look forward to the 2012 elections. Would Mitt Romney free a caged Newt Gingrich? Rick Perry? Would a cage even hold Gingrich if chocolate is involved? We may never know the answers to these questions; however we can use empirical evidence to determine the likely results.

Mitt Romney and Rick Perry come from different parts of the country yet share many conservative ideologies. Both believe that the U.S Constitution should be amended to declare that marriage be defined as a union between a man and a woman. Thus, it could be concluded that both candidates are anti-love. Further, Romney and Perry are both advocates of the death penalty. When asked whether it troubled him that one of the 234 death row inmates in Texas might be innocent Perry replied, “No sir. I’ve never struggled with that at all.” Therefore, while both candidates are anti-love they are both pro-death.

Compassionate acts require three requisite steps: First- the recognition of distress. Second- the desire to help the living being in distress. Third- action to alleviate that distress. Mitt Romney may be unable to differentiate between living and non-living beings as he states, “corporations are people too”. Hence, he may not be able to recognize true distress from a disappointing earnings report. Rick Perry does not have any desire to help those in distress stating “Many homeless have chosen their lifestyle” through years of bad decisions. Finally, being anti-love and pro-death, neither candidate has an inclination to act to help those in distress. Thus it can be concluded that rats are more empathetic than Romney or Perry.

Given that the Romney and Perry are among those chosen by all Republicans to represent them, it could be concluded that all Republicans are less empathetic than rats. If however you need further proof, let’s look at David Crocker the Republican Mayor in South Fulton. Crocker imposed a $75 annual fee for anyone who would like to have the city’s fire department come to their burning home. Last December, firefighters watched as Vicky Bell’s trailer home and all of her possessions went up in flames. For want of $75 a Republican Mayor will watch a person’s home burn. Clearly the people in Fulton would be better off if a rat were in charge.

In conclusion, it must be conceded that rats appear to be significantly more empathetic than Republicans. When presented with this evidence, Republicans vilified rats as “socialist” and “anti-American”. The question still remains, in order to win in 2012, Republicans may need to “rat up”.

2012: The Year of the Orb Part II

Welcome to Part 2. This time the Ipod is put away and Netflix is running in the background. What am I watching? How I Met Your Mother. A truly quotastic show (at least in the first few seasons).

July: Twenty straight days of 100-degree weather. I have taken to putting my pillow into the freezer before going to bed. It only helps a little. Two good things come out of July though: First, I have lost fifteen pounds in sweat weight. Second, I purchase tickets to see The Book of Mormon musical in Portland. All in all, a pretty good month. ("It's gonna be legen — wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DARY!")

August: Yes, it is finally going to happen. I will be traveling to another country. No, not Canada. I was raised in Detroit which essentially makes me 50% Canadian eh. This August I will travel across the Atlantic with Mrs. Orbson and a few friends and explore Northern Europe. Hmmm, another new resolution- MAKE THIS HAPPEN! (“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda!”)

September: I have fallen in love with Europe and refuse to leave. We now live in Norway and I have changed my name to Magnus Orbson Rice. This is likely a result of the upcoming election and my fear that Republicans will soon control the federal government. (“That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.”)

October: I am back in the States. I finished my book and my agent and publisher are insisting I travel the country to promote it. I agree, particularly since I’m also producing the movie version of the book. The tour goes well, 30% of the people love it, 30% of the people burn it and 40% don’t know how to read. (“In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.”)

November: I have moved back to Europe. The Republicans have won a narrow victory and Rick Santorum is now President. I cannot live in a country that would elect Rick Santorum as President. Still, November is a great month because it’s Mrs. Orbson’s birthday month and the celebration dulls the pain back home. (“When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.”)

December: Recount! Surprise, the Republicans cheated. I’m back home in the States but my #1 status on the NYT bestseller list means I get to keep a house in Norway…and Ireland…and Iceland… and Winnipeg. As the year comes to a close I can look back and smile. I made this one count. (“Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”)

2012 is going to be a remarkable year. Why? Because, 2012 is unique. We have one chance to make it spectacular and when it’s gone we can never get it back. On December 31, I don’t want to look back and wonder what happened to the year. So I’m throwing out my resolutions and taking the advice of one Barney Stinson and focus on being “Awesome” for the next 360 days.

2012: The Year of the Orb

Good morning Orbsonites and Happy New Year! Yes it is a couple of days late. That should tell you just how much fun I had on New Year’s Eve. Let’s see, it started out with 3 bottles of tequila, 2 packages of Twinkies and a pygmy goat named Seymour. But wait! I’ve been ordered by the court not to tell that story. Hmm, well instead of looking back I think I will gaze into the future. As I listen to my Ipod, I am wondering what will 2012 hold for Orbson and his friends?

January: My Detroit Lions are in the playoffs! Fuck! The world really is going to end this year. That will definitely affect my plans for the next 11 months. After watching my Leos steal the “Big Easy” nickname from New Orleans by losing by an embarrassing 94 points, I will put my entire focus on my two New Year’s Resolutions – FINISH MY BOOK and (like everyone else) GET IN SHAPE. But wait! The world is ending so instead I am going to play Skyrim until my hands bleed and eat more of those damn Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookies Mrs. Orbson bought. Bring on Armageddon. (why do I have so much Brittany Spears on this thing)

February: I hate February. Well, except when I lived in Tucson where every day was like a sloppy bj. The second month of the year is horrendous here. It is colder, drearier and more miserable than Michele Bachmann’s marriage (probably my last reference to Bachmann for a while since she is out of the race- sad day). In February, I think I will plan a vacation. Hey if the world is going to end there is no need for a savings account. Hawaii here I come. (Jar of Hearts is a really good song. Unless you were the guy that screwed her over. Then it sucks.)

March: Back in hell and glad to be there. I am missing Skyrim more that I thought and have a nasty jellyfish sting on my pecker. Sure, skinny dipping in Hawaii is lots of fun, but nobody wants to look down in terror at a jelly fish hanging from his willy. Nobody. Speaking of dicks, the Republicans should have another 5 or 6 new candidates to make fun of. (A little Flo Rida and a little more “put your hands up”. Enough! I declare 2012 to be the year of putting your hands down!)

April: My birthday! Since I am Orbson, God of Words, I may as well make the whole month my Birthday instead of just the 25th day. Really I think everyone should do this. There are too many days that we don’t celebrate. Give yourself a treat and celebrate for your whole birthday month. April needs a holiday anyway. Celebrating nailing somebody to a cross, the guy dying and then having a 6-foot tall rabbit hide eggs just seems weird. (yes Taio Cruz, it really is Dynamite. At least right now. In about 4 months I will probably hate this song.)

May: The weather is finally nice. Quick, enjoy it for the 4 hours it is here. Damn, I was still playing Skyrim and missed the window. Does this game ever end? It has been a fairly quiet year thus far so I am guessing we’ll have another major natural disaster. Glad I went to Hawaii, because now it is under water. This may be my fault as my deity friends overheard some post-jellyfish ranting about the island state. That would make more sense than global warming. Oops sorry, my bad. (Offspring’s lyrics “dance, fucker dance…” makes me giggle. Mrs. Orbson sings this all the time. She never swears so it’s hilarious when she does. Now every time I hear this I can’t help but crack up.”

June: The summer is here and my fucking apartment complex does not have central air for these 100 degree+ days. One tiny air conditioner faces a wall not more than 8-feet away. I want to punch the owners but I’m too hot too move. Unfortunately I finally beat Skyrim. I did this by taking the game, breaking it in little pieces, putting it in the toilet, taking a dump and then flushing. Later that night I go to Walmart and buy another copy. I hate myself. (I think Katy Perry’s E.T. may be taking about sex with aliens. Ironically, this will be possible in Nevada this year when the first Sci-Fi themed brothel opens up. I have dibs on Inara Serra from Firefly.)

July- December will come tomorrow. A year is too much for one little blog. By the way, it is now 4AM and I don’t feel like editing this. So if you are one of those people (as I am) who notices that type of thing, don’t worry I did it intentionally. Now can you figure out why?


Quote of the moment:
"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now." -B.o.B. with Hayley Williams (Airplanes)

Munching on Mr. Ed and Other Signs of the Apocalypse

Over the past few weeks my inner Orbson has been a broken menagerie of thoughts, ideas and general pessimism about the state of everything. I have researched and prepped multiple entries for the Oracle but have been unable to adequately and eloquently express just how fracked up (yes my fellow geeks, I just made a Battlestar reference) our world has become. Yes, the unicorn’s horn has been broken (If you understand this reference you are my hero). Then today I realized that I have been muzzling my voice. I think I have been concerned too much with audience and not enough with truth. That is what the Oracle is supposed to be - provocative, racy, undeniably bold and most of all truthful. What I write may not always be right, but it should always be a reflection of my mind on that day. I will try to remember this moving forward. Sometimes walls can begin to rebuild and occasionally it is prudent to take a sledgehammer to them. Therefore, with the walls removed, I shall take you on a brief glimpse into a few of my thoughts over this pass week.

I’ll Have a Double Mr Ed with Cheese:

As this country collapses around us, Congress has decided that now is a great time to end the ban on the consumption of horses. Slaughterhouses are expected to be built and operational within a month (frackin’ blood-sucking leeches). The cost to the federal government? $3-5 million dollars (for inspectors). How is it paid for? Nobody knows. You see the economy is bad, so the rich people have to decide whether to sell their yacht or keep their horses. You guessed it. The Human Society has been seeing a lot of abandoned horses on their front step lately. That’s right, the poor horses that have “outlived their usefulness” will now be the ingredients in your next cheeseburger. Though if we use “usefulness” to identify new food sources than we can probably be expecting a rush order on Limbaugh sandwiches any day now. Regardless how you feel about consuming horses (or idiots), the meat industry in this country does horrific things to animals. Find out where your meat comes from. Look for organic grass-fed beef. Unless you are a vegetarian (if so, please teach me how) you want free roaming healthy animals that have been fed the right foods and not injected with a ton of drugs. Respect the animal. Demand change.

No God, No Turkey Mr. President:

President Obama’s Thanksgiving address did not include the word “God”. Of course there has been a rather large outcry from many in the media reproving the President for this serious lapse. Seriously Mr. Prez, how can you not thank God for allowing the genocide of a race of indigenous people so that we can have IPADs today? Look Bible-thumpers, this is a free frackin’ country not a free Christian country. God has no place in government. Get it off of our money, get it out of our public schools and get it off of our politician’s mouths. In God we trust? Well, I DO NOT trust your God! I trust in morality. I trust in right and wrong. Until you treat everyone equally, until you take care of those less fortunate, until you get your heads out of your asses and start thinking of people other than yourself, then your God can kiss my frackin’ ass (I did warn you I took a sledgehammer to those walls. At this point you can only blame yourself).

Not So Super Congress:

Speaking of Congress, guess what?! Super Congress failed to come up with any semblance of a plan to balance the budget and create a fair tax system. Don’t worry though, after some tense moments they’ll pass another 6-month plan along with the creation of the new Super-Duper Congress which will do what the Super Congress could not. I mean seriously, how could this possibly fail? It includes the word “Duper”! Look Congress, we’re not stupid. This is political grandstanding. You’re waiting until after the next election and hoping your guy will be in office so you can put through your plan and Obama can’t take credit. In the meantime, this country is starting to make Mexico look like a viable alternative. Republicans, I have a secret for you. In 2012 you are going to LOSE!!! I wouldn’t elect any of your candidates to the position of President of Wiping My Ass and the majority of this country feels the same way. So forget the election and try to get something accomplished today.

Ndamakong Suh and Stompgate:

Sometimes being a Detroit Lions fan makes me want to run naked through a field of thorns while pouring lemon juice all over my body. Last Thursday, Lions defensive tackle Ndamakong Suh stomped on Green Bay offensive lineman Evan Dietrich Smith. No, not a good stomp; an after the whistle I would like to put my boot through your pelvis stomp. The result? A two game suspension. Add in a rash of injuries and the 2nd hardest remaining schedule in the NFL and my Lions are probably done. After 600 years they were finally going to make the playoffs and now I’ll be stuck watching another Packers-Patriots Super Bowl.

Oracle Update:

So I allowed Free Wood Post to publish one of my earlier works (the Grand Canyon theme park entry) and in 48-hours it was viewed over 500 times and shared numerous times across Facebook. That makes me so happy I could stomp on a Packer. Of course then I read the comments people made on the article’s Facebook post. The vast majority of them said things like “Really?!!!” and “No Way!!!!” Now remember, this was an article about a Christian group called Jesus Loves Corporations that successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement to create the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park an Gun Range”. Most of the commenters thought it was a real story. I weep for humanity.

Orbson's Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

I have been watching a lot of zombie television lately- The Walking Dead, Night of the Living Dead and of course the Republican debates. The Walking Dead is a ridiculously good show but I can’t help but think the characters are lacking in some basic common sense zombie survival skills. Since Orbson Rice is the King of Common Sense it only makes sense to share with you my sure-fired ways to survive a zombie attack.

1. Rambo Up: The majority of the people are now mindless zombies. You may not have noticed the change if you live in suburbia but trust me, now is NOT the time for non-violence. If you’re a liberal like me, this will be difficult. However, it is time to Rambo up. The characters on The Walking Dead constantly walk past abandoned military posts with M-90 machine guns just sitting there. Take them, attach them to your Prius and create your own path to safety. Also, it is time to reward your inner geek and find yourself a sword. With no sound and no ammo, they can slice and dice zombies without drawing attention. Want to take them out from a distance? Get a crossbow.

2. Do NOT go INTO the big city: Look, if everyone has turned into a zombie you don’t want to walk into zombiepalooza. Stick to small towns. Better yet, find a big boat and live on the water. You can fish for food and make occasional runs to small towns for supplies. Hey, maybe you can even find a nice tropical island to retire to. Just make sure you bring someone hot to help propagate the species. If you must go into the big city, don’t act all surprised when you suddenly find yourself being chased by a couple of million zombies.

3. Play Marco Polo: Zombies don’t hide, they just keep attacking. When exploring a building, don’t creep from room to room waiting for the zombie to jump out at you. Stand at the front door and yell “Hey zombie come on out and eat me”. Then wait until it comes out and kill it. You may be tempted to mock slow moving zombies. Do not do this, there is almost always another one nearby.

4. Stop flaunting your hotness: Zombies can infect you by biting or scratching. Unlike TV where it is better to flaunt your sexy body, in a real zombie attack it is prudent to cover up. I am not talking about 15th century armor, though that would be effective. Consider looting some Kevlar body armor. That way you are not turned into the undead by some random scratch on your arm.

5. The Paris Hilton Defense: If you’re like me, carrying a Chihuahua in a purse is one of the more stupid things you could do. However, if you’re running away from a horde of zombies, the Paris Hilton Defense could save your life. Are they gaining on you? Need to slow them down? Then chuck your Chihuahua grenade into the horde of zombies and run while little Pepé distracts the undead with his salty flesh.

6. Getting Bit: If you get bit, don’t wait around until you change and hurt one of your traveling companions. You’re done, go out with a bang. Find a bottle of Dom, set your IPOD to Muse’s “Uprising”, grand a couple grenades or some C4 and stroll into one of those big cities. Get into the middle of a big group of the monsters, take a swig and say whatever lame catch phrase comes to mind. I have always been fond of “yippee kay aye mother fuckers!”

If you follow these basic guidelines your chance of survival will increase dramatically. However, in the case of a true zombie apocalypse that may not be a good thing.


Random Thoughts: Why are there so many freakin versions of movies these days? I went online to order the most recent Harry Potter and there were a ton of options: DVD, Blu Ray, DVD+Blu Ray, DVD+Blu Ray+UltraViolet, 3D. Finally I had enough and just ordered the Super Special Ultimate Unlimited Edition. This includes all of the above formats plus former famous child actors will come to your house to act out the movie in mime. Next Saturday I will be enjoying Harry Potter Brady Bunch style!