The Orbson in the Woods

One Orbson goes into the woods; “you think you know the story”. Yes, Orbsonites, I actually paid money to go to the theater. There is only one man who could get me to purchase a $12 popcorn, a $6 watered down soda and plop my butt down on an uncomfortably sticky seat for 95 minutes. That man is Joss Whedon. I bow before his greatness. All hail Joss, all hail Joss, all hail Joss.

Sorry about that. If I do not say my three “all hails” Joss will write another great TV show that the Fox Network will run out of order, subjugate it to Friday nights and then cancel it 14 episodes into the first season. Damn, I still miss Firefly. Anyway, last Saturday I went to the movies to see The Cabin in the Woods. I can’t really say anything about it without spoilers, so I will just give my ratings: Netflix: 4 stars, Schoolyard: A-/B+, Buy or Rent: Buy it. The horror genre may be off-putting to some people, however there was definitely more laughs than suspense and even Mrs. Orbson (who dislikes horror movies) enjoyed it.

As for my own personal journey through the woods, my adventure has been fraught with horrific beasts determined to suck out my life force. Or, as you know them, Republicans. Relax, I’m just kidding Republicans. Newt Gingrich could never be considered a “horrific beast”. I mean really, the guy goes to the zoo and a freakin penguin attacks him. Some of the cutest creatures in the zoo take one look at Newt and think “Oh, I am so going to bite this fucker’s fingers off!” Yes Newt, even the penguins hate you.

This really has been an odd news week: Romney and Cookie-gate, Newt and Penguin-gate, the Secret Service and Cheapskate. Speaking of the Secret Service and the not so secret servicing the Secret Service received while they were supposed to be in service to the President who was likely being serviced by his wife…. Oops, sorry lost myself for a moment. My take on this is pretty simple. I get it, you have a pretty stressful job, but you’re supposed to be the SECRET Service. There is nothing secret about 21 prostitutes. Sure, you might have been able to get away with 19, but 21 is just being greedy. Speaking of greedy, pay the women when you’re done. How would you like it if you were plugged at work and then were told you weren’t getting paid? I don’t mind if you relieve your stress by employing a professional stress reliever. But, when you’re done, PAY YOUR PROSTITUTE!

Orbson’s Glued to the TV: So, I caught the first two episodes of Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 and found it absolutely hilarious. If you enjoy raunchy and sarcastic humor, check it out. I have also been revisiting Chuck on DVD. If you have not seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out.

Orbson’s Final Thought: As I write these words, Saturday is now one hour young. I find myself thinking about empty yesterdays and remind myself that Saturday is not yet written. Saturday could be amazing. I can embrace a new experience or savor an old one. I don’t want to look back upon this Saturday and not remember what I did. I want to soar, I want to swim, I want to talk hard and write soft. I want to close Saturday with a sigh, a smile and an orgasm. What do you want your Saturday to be?

Currently Jamming Too:

The Orbsonland Theme Park

...even now when I see a giant mouse walking towards me, my first instinct is too huddle in a corner shaking and crying. Yes Orbsonites, yours truly has survived his venture into that "magical" wonderland called Disney World: Four parks, six days, 300-degree heat, 12-hour days and frightening parents who wield baby strollers like weapons. Looking back, I cannot say that I am unchanged. I have peered into the abyss and the abyss peered back at me with large cartoon eyes all the time whispering "It's a small world after all...." One of the benefits of my incarceration, oops, I mean vacation, is that I was able to think about the theme park I would create were I able to pull wads of money out of my rump. I don't want to give away too much just yet, but rest assured you will soon be reading about the greatest theme park the world has never known: Orbsonland, the first Adult Theme Park!

I know, I know, you can't wait to hear what kind of theme park could possibly come out of the mind that brought you Punch A Smoker Day and the greatest religion ever, Orbsonism. Okay, you win, I will give you a brief glimpse into Orbsonland. Picture the craziest roller coaster ever (I'm talking 1/2 mile drops, loops, whipped cream, etc.), combined with music by Green Day, jello shooters and porn star Katie Morgan. Yeah, and that's just one ride. My Orbson theme park will include attractions in sports, theater, art, literature and movies. This will be a destination that will make Las Vegas look like a place retirees go to spend their social security checks. This is a place that doesn't close, it never sleeps and when you finally have to go back to your boring lives, your souvenir pin will actually slap you on the face whenever you need to get you Orbson on.

So, keep an eye out Orbsonites. I may still be travelling, but nothing can stop this brain from racing right off the edge of sanity.


Orbson Oracle Update: We're approaching 1,000 page views views which is pretty good considering I am on hiatus. I have also been contacted by other publications who are interested in publishing some of my entries. Things are starting to hit cruise control!

Streaming Down the Toilet: Now Netflix is morphing into two entities- Netflix and Qwikster. One service will only be streaming content while the other will do what? Offer chocolate milk by mail? Come on Reed, you could do better than Qwikster. How about "Touch My Disk" or "We're Screwedster".

Orbson Roars: The Detroit Lions are now 2-0 after beating the Kansas City Chiefs 48-3. I know this is probably one of the signs of the Apocalypse but I can't help getting excited. Usually by this point in the season, I'm already thinking about next year's draft.

Orbson's Movie Reviews

Sometimes tragedy jumps up and smacks you in the ball sack. This weekend, I am sorry to say, my Internet stopped working. Over the past week, I’ve worried that it might be ill but hoped it was just a little bug that would pass. On Saturday, it sunk into a coma. The worse part is not knowing what’s wrong. I tried the usual remedies but nothing has worked. I even tried a new modem but all I received were empty clicks. Now I must wait until Tuesday when the cable surgeon will come to determine the fate of my beloved Internet. Until then I will not be able to check my football scores, stream Netflix or enjoy a relaxing session of Jack and Jizz. The weekend’s entertainment could have been pretty lackluster had I not remembered Red Box.

Three Blu-Ray movies helped to fill in the gap left by the lack of Internet- Limitless, I Am Number Four and Source Code. Don’t worry, you won’t find any spoilers here, just some Orbson-esque reviews:

Limitless: The basic concept of this movie makes my special parts tingle. Take one little pill and suddenly you have a Super Brain. Learn languages in hours, master the stock market, remember everything you ever read or saw and finally understand what the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie was about. I was really looking forward to seeing this movie. Unfortunately, they took a great concept and made a crappy movie. I didn’t connect to any of the characters and the film plodded along like a Republican trying to read Shakespeare. By the middle, I was looking around for a pill I could take to make the movie better. Ultimately I’ll give this one 2 out of 5 stars with the extra star for the good idea.

I Am Number Four: I was initially unsure about this one. Netflix thought I would like it, so I figured what the hell. Thank you Netflix. This was a tightly written, fast paced movie with a decent plotline and above average acting. The reviews of this seemed surprisingly mixed with people expressing either love or hate. Perhaps I am just a sucker for a good teen sci-fi action flick. The film follows a young man who tries to fit into a new school. The problem is that he is actually an alien with powers he can’t control and is being hunted by other aliens who want his race annihilated. If nothing else, you should watch this for Teresa Palmer who plays Number 6. Diana Agron (Glee) was a treat, but Teresa, the Australian beauty, was a kick-ass Buffy-esque heroine. Her stunts were outstanding and she definitely made me wish I was Number 9. In the end, I give this a solid 4 out of 5 stars.

Source Code: I expected your typical action movie that was a combination of Groundhog Day and Die Hard. What I got was much more. Jake Gyllenhaal was outstanding as Colter Stevens, a helicopter pilot who wakes to find himself on a commuter train with no memory of how he got there. The next hour and a half was an intense fast-paced mystery and action film that surprised me with its emotional depth. The ending will likely leave many with mixed feeling on the movie. However, I am comfortable rating this 4 out of 5 stars. I also need to mention the outstanding acting of Vera Farmiga who gives a nuanced performance as Colleen Goodwin. The depth she brought to her character with just a look was exceptional.

The fate of my Internet may still be unknown, but it was fun to get back into the movies. Now, to try to find a way to publish this….


They Should be Ashamed: The economy has halted many building projects in Las Vegas, leaving jobs half finished and construction machinery sitting unused. Well, that is until the birth of the Adult Sandbox. People are paying $750 a piece to operate bulldozers and move dirt and rocks around. Now I am not dissing the idea; it actually sounds like fun. However, paying $750 for something like that when many in this country go hungry gives new definition to the term gluttonous bastards.

Someone isn’t Listening: Obama continues to give in to Republican and Special Interests’ demands. On Friday, Obama appeased big business by backed off of his promise to toughen environmental standards. Even though most scientists and the E.P.A. says it’s necessary to uhm, breathe, Obama said no. I can only explain this in one of two ways. Obama is actually a Republican in sane person’s clothing or this country is in even worse shape then we thought. Either way, I am beginning to wonder if Hillary could run again.

Oh Netflix, My Netflix

One of my favorite companies is under siege this week as their new pricing structure took effect yesterday. Many are expecting a wave of cancelled memberships in the coming days, but I for one will remain loyal. The fact is that Netflix’s only mistake was spoiling us too much. First, let’s look at some of the new prices:

Unlimited Streaming: $7.99 per month
3 DVDs at a time per month: $15.99
3 DVDs+Streaming: $23.99

Right now, the Orbson family only has streaming. Our price increase? ZERO. We used to have 3 DVDs (at a time) and paid about $16.99 per month. Then, Netflix offered a new service absolutely free. Instant Streaming. That’s right; a business created a new and innovative product and gave it away for free. Over the years, Netflix has only raised the cost of their service by a couple of dollars. In the meantime, it costs me $12 to see a movie in the theater.

Clearly, online streaming is the future of entertainment. As Netflix’s contracts with the big studios began to expire, the studios have decided to demand much, much more money. We are not talking about millions of dollars we are talking about billions of dollars. Netflix cannot be expected to maintain and grow the current level of available streaming without raising prices. They simply cannot make that work. For those of you who do not watch streaming TV and movies, your price for 3 DVDs actually went down! For the rest of us, it’s time we start paying for that “free” service.

Yesterday, negotiations between Netflix and Starz broke down. Netflix’s stock took a major hit (down 8% after hours) It appears as though that relationship will come to an end. While I was not in the room, I can guarantee that the problem was that Starz wanted more money than Netflix was willing or able to spend. I’m glad they didn’t reach a deal. I had a free 6-month cable subscription to Starz. They show the same five movies over and over again. Kudos to Netflix for not caving in to their demands. However, they do need to pony up the big bucks to pay Sony and maybe even someday HBO in order to have quality streaming content. Those big bucks must come from us.

So, why should we pay more? The reason is that every other option costs ways too much. You may not remember Blockbuster, but I do. $4.95 rental fees for one movie! When we received DVDs we averaged at least 3 per week. That is 12 per month or almost $60 if we went to the video store. Cable and satellite? Well, they can cost $40 a month for just basic cable. $23.99 for everything Netflix offers is not a bad price. It may even be too low.

I really like Netflix. Whenever I receive DVDs they are almost always free of scratches, play perfectly and arrive one day after they are mailed out. The streaming is good quality and instantaneous. While I hate to have to pay more money for any service, I’ll gladly fork over a few bucks for a service I use and love.

Yo Asshole Said What?! – Michele Bachmann would not have a problem with drilling for oil in the Everglades. Seriously, when Satan himself steps up and says “whoa, too far” you know you have one evil Teabagger.

Oh Come On! – The White House released a statement saying that next Thursday’s Presidential address will not interfere with the NFL’s season opener. Come on, I love football but isn’t our nation’s stability is far more important than one football game.

Debt Ceilings, Pennies and Stupid People

I started writing a blog dealing with the debt ceiling debate before I realized nobody probably cares. Sorry, it is on my mind, thus it is the topic of the day. Now, I could probably sum up my views in a brief 15 page position paper. Rather than bore you with endless financial ramblings, I’ll try to break down my thoughts in a more concise way. Congress, this is a non issue! Raise the damn thing like you are planning to do anyway and stop the political grandstanding. Yes, it sucks to have to borrow even more money and sink even further into debt. Now you know what it’s like for millions of American families every day. The facts are simple. There are bills that must be paid and an arbitrary debt ceiling that’s more illusion than reality. So get off your corrupt asses and just raise the damn thing. Or better yet, trash it all together. Then, keep standing up and start making the hard decisions to get this country fiscally responsible again.

As you probably guessed, I am expecting a call from my buddy Barrack any day now. The reason? Nobody knows common sense better than Orbson Rice. A lot of American zombies/citizens hear the word economy and their eyes roll back into their heads and they race off toward the nearest TV set to watch Jersey Shore. Look people, it is not that complicated. When something doesn’t work, fix it or get rid of it. What would Orbson recommend? Here are a few starting points:

First, stop making pennies! They cost more to produce then they are worth. Yes, I know it will be hard to live without those wondrous coins. How often do I come home after a long day only to find my bliss by rolling around naked on a bed of pennies. Oh I will miss you little coin but I am sorry, you’re pointless! No, this will not make a huge impact on the deficit but it just gets my panties in a bunch that this obvious money sucker continues to live on.

Secondly, close all of the extraneous post offices and shave a day or two off of deliveries. Oh shit, what about my Netflix? What am I going to do without my DVDs everyday? Read? Workout? Communicate with others? The horror… the horror…. The facts here are simple. Americans are using the post office significantly less than they were 10 years ago. Still, they've only raised postage by 10 cents and have kept far to many post offices open. Less money coming in + higher expenses = bankrupt. In 2010, the U.S. Post Office was more than $8 billion in the hole. Also, please raise the cost of a first class stamp to an even $1. See, it even helps gets rid of those damn pennies! Why do we get so annoyed when stamps raise a few cents? Think about it. We spend $5 at Hallmark for a folded piece of paper but don’t want to spend a single dollar to pay for someone to travel thousands of miles away to hand deliver it to our love ones? Now isn’t that just plain silly.

“We the people” want all of these great services like uhm the Post Office, public education, Social Security, Medicare and universal health care. Great! We should have them, we need them, but we also need to pay for them. I realize that half of this country lives in La La Land where the biggest problems are those damned homosexuals trying to get married and that black muslim president who was born in some Middle Eastern cave. But the rest of us, you know, those of us who are not crazy religious nutjobs, actually want to solve real problems with real solutions. Our government should provide the basic services needed for us to pursue “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”. The citizens should pay the required taxes to afford those programs. All of the citizens, including big business and the ultra rich. Did you know that the richest 400 people in this country earned something like 10 times as much this past year as they did 10 years ago? How much do they pay in taxes? More than 10 percentage points less. They hire lobbyists, pundits and a “news” network to create fear using nonsensical issues to keep the sheep scared while they take turns anal raping the middle class. Enough is enough, it’s time to turn around and let us pitch for a while.

So Congress, listen to the wisdom that is Orbson. If I have financial questions I speak to my broker or a financial manager not a politician. Call in the economists, give them the budget, the tax code and some beer and let them figure this out. By the way, this is not purely a Democrat v Republican issue, though of course I have no problem trashing Republicans. This is a Congress issue, which means this is a people issue. We need to pay more attention or the next thing we know a former beauty queen who knows foreign policy because she can see Russia from her front porch will be running for Vice President. Oh shit….

Relevant Songs - "Billionaire" - Travie McCoy featuring Bruno Mars and "Price Tag" by Jessie J





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