Paul Ryan: Melting of Polar Ice Caps is God’s way of Gifting us Oil

According to Rep. Paul Ryan, although God often works in mysterious ways, clearly the deity’s stance on our nation’s energy policy is to drill, drill and drill some more. This month, the Obama administration began an emergency 60-day review on its decision to allow Shell Oil Company to commence exploration and drilling in the Arctic Ocean. Many wonder whether this is the beginning of the end for Arctic oil exploration. For Paul Ryan the question is not whether we should drill in the Arctic but how quickly can we get started. Speaking before an advisory panel for the Environmental Protection Agency (E.P.A.), Ryan stated,

“It is clear to me, and it’s clear to millions of Americans that the melting of the polar ice caps is a real phenomenon. What it is not however, is an indication of human-created pollution. The melting is evidence of God’s goodness. He has gazed down upon his people and seen them struggling. He has watched as they are unable to fill up their cars, trucks and SUVs. He has heard their prayers and answered them with a gift: the warmth of his love. That warmth has touched the Arctic and swept away the ice to reveal a wealth of resources for his people. Not only should we drill in the Arctic, it is our moral obligation to drill there as quickly as we can.”

Not surprisingly, Ryan’s remarks were met with strong reactions by the scientists on the E.P.A. panel. Two of the members suffered whiplash from shaking their heads back and forth too quickly. Three more fainted when the constant rolling of their eyes made them dizzy.  The panel moderator simply said, “Thank you Representative Ryan. We will take your comments under advisement.” She was seen minutes later banging her head repeatedly against a wall.

A spokesperson for Shell Oil agrees that the Administration should allow them to continue their “altruistic” work. “This country needs oil and we are ready to serve.” Shell was questioned about the myriad of problems they've faced in the Arctic recently:

“Well sure, we had an oil rig that ran aground off of Kodiak Island on New Year’s Eve, and then there was the rig that broke its moorings last summer in the Aleutian Islands. And yes the inspection of our equipment used to clean oil spills ‘failed spectacularly’ and sure we have had some trouble getting our vessels certified by the Coast Guard. Really though, it was the air pollution violations from the E.P.A. that hurt us the most. Putting all of that aside, things have run pretty smoothly.” 

Given the perspectives of Rep. Ryan and Shell Oil it is pretty clear that drilling in the Arctic Ocean is the correct decision. Environmentalists warn that an oil spill cleanup in the Arctic Ocean would be nearly impossible because of its remote location and icy waters. However, that seems like a pretty pessimistic view. Especially since God himself wants us to do drill there. Should an accident occur, it seems pretty certain that the rig would just need a divine Band-Aid and everything would be fine. Finally, while it is true that a French oil company decided not to drill in the Arctic because they believed the risk of a spill was too great, that isn’t really relevant. Remember you should never trust Socialists.







photo by loveforutah

EPA Scientists Say “We Quit!” - Agency to Close Immediately

Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) administrator Lisa Jackson released stunning news at an impromptu press conference on Wednesday. According to Jackson, “the barrage of anti-science rhetoric, mixed with increased political pressure from conservatives has forced our scientists to re-examine their place both in the federal government and society at large. They are tired of ‘corporate stooge and religious zealot politicians constantly undermining real scientific research’. Ultimately they said ‘we quit!’ Without scientists, I am afraid the EPA can no longer function.”

The EPA announcement comes at the end of a tumultuous period in which the scientific community has been regularly attacked by religious conservatives and big business lobbyists. According to a 2009 survey of EPA scientists “60 percent of those responding, or 889 scientists, reported… political interference in their work over the last five years.” According to CBS News, “the highest number of complaints about political interference came from scientists who are directly involved in writing regulations and those who conduct risk assessments such as determining a chemical cancer risk for humans.”

Former EPA scientist and spokesperson, Dr. Charles Darren spoke at length about the decision:

“As scientists we have a duty to seek objective truth in the areas we study. Unfortunately, the political atmosphere in this country is such that we can no longer, in good conscience, continue the fight to protect our planet through the EPA. When politicians argue about scientifically proven subjects such as evolution or global warming, how can we possibly expect them to understand topics like carbon emissions? We are wasting too much time defending concepts that are already proven and not enough time focusing on creating a safer and cleaner world for our children. Thus, we have resigned from the Environmental Protection Agency and will continue our work through other organizations around the world.”

Not everyone is discouraged by Wednesday’s announcement. Shell Oil spokesman, Frederick P. Willingham III, spoke about the decision: “The EPA has been a regulatory leech that has consistently undermined American businesses. We at Shell Oil know the importance of a clean environment and now we can continue to run our environmentally-friendly business without the damaging rhetoric spewed by EPA scientists.”

Many Republicans agree that the EPA is an agency made up of “job-killers” that should be eliminated. Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich stated at a conference this past February. “I want to replace, not reform EPA, because EPA is made up of self-selected bureaucrats who are anti-American jobs, anti-American business, anti-state government, anti-local control, and I don’t think you can re-educate them.” Motivated by Gingrich, conservative politicians have begun opening “re-education centers” throughout the country attempting to persuade people that EPA warnings about fossil fuel and carbon emissions is just more “liberal hooey”. Interestingly, according to OpenSecrets.org 92.8% of the political donations made by the oil and gas industry this year, were made to the same Republicans who opposed the EPA.


Oh Orbson, My Orbson: Over 3,000 Facebook shares and 2,000 likes on my Flag article. It is not easy be adored by the masses but don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. I know I have been burning the political dildo from both ends (is that how that phrase reads?) but soon I will be writing on much more diverse topics including a return to the one true religion of Orbsonism.

Orbson Going High Tech: Blogger has been okay but it is time consuming to find some of my older entries. So, I am working on creating an e-book of my past blogs that will be "sold" on Amazon. That way you can download it to your electronic device and pull me out whenever you need me. Trust me, there is nothing better than having me in your pocket. Oh, and of course it will be completely free for all my Orbsonites! I'll let you know when it is ready!

Orbson Answers His Email: Civil War 2 Part Deux

I’ve had a few questions from people wondering whether my examples of conservative attacks during what I refer to as Civil War 2 were merely a sample of a much larger group or isolated incidents. Unfortunately, they are just a tiny sample. Here are some more to think about:

Mississippi House Bill 1384: “public school history courses may not promote any partisan agenda or philosophy”. Republicans have been trying to get this bill passed for many years. Of course history has always been slanted toward those who are in power. However in a free country history, like journalism should be about facts. The problem is that Republicans do not like facts. Facts and religion never mesh well. It does not take a long Google search to find conservative groups who say that the South was the right side in the Civil War, that the Women’s Rights movement was a bad thing and that all homosexuals should be imprisoned. Shocked by the last one? I was too.

Nebraska Bill 461 would allow all doctors to refuse ANY (not just abortions) procedure they have a religious, ethical or moral objection to. Also, pharmacists would be allowed to refuse to fill a woman’s prescription for birth control or morning-after pill. If you consider the many religious, ethical and moral objects a person could have, the possible reasons to deny treatment are endless. Of course, I have a moral and ethical objection to Republicans so maybe I should move to Nebraska and become a doctor.

The Kansas House of Representatives passes a 69-page bill with hidden provisions that would among other things, allows doctors to lie to their patients about prenatal issues if those issues might lead the woman to consider abortion. Even in an ectopic pregnancy, which is often fatal, doctors do not have to tell their patients about the condition. And just so we remember they are still true Republicans, they added on a 6.3% sales tax to abortions including those had by rape victims or who only had it because it was medically necessary to save their own lives. This bill is not unique. In Arizona, the Arizona Senate joined 8 other states in shielding doctors from malpractice claims when those doctors did not inform their patients of prenatal conditions that might lead their patient to an abortion.


So You Think I Only Keep My Eye on Republicans:

I have mentioned previously how disappointed I am in President Obama’s environmental policies. So as to demonstrate that I do keep an eye on Democrats too, here are just a couple of current issues I have:

Drilling in the Arctic begins this Summer! “President Obama has given approval to Shell to drill for oil this summer in the vulnerable Arctic. In hopes of uncovering new sources of dirty fossil fuels, Arctic drilling could also unleash more than 11 billion tons of carbon pollution -- making it ever more difficult to stave off devastating climate change.” Also, if there is another oil spill, because of the location it would be almost impossible to clean.

Endangered Species Under Attack: A new policy proposed under the Obama administration would redefine key passages of the Endangered Species Act. They key distinction seems to be that a species status would be determined by global population and not just regional. For example, there are a lot of bald eagles in Alaska. Therefore had this policy change been in effect previously, the eagles could have completely died out in the lower 48 states and nothing would have been done about it. Ecosystems are fragile things. Whenever a species dies out by unnatural manmade cause, there is a ripple effect in that region. 89 conservation groups and 97 scientists agree that this new policy will have a tremendous negative impact on efforts to protect endangered species.

To see the full text of the quotes and to check out more environmental battles, check out the Center for Biological Diversity.


Orbson has not forgotten: I know I said this entry would be lighter, but I wanted to answer a couple of email questions today. I am still working on my Laws for Democrats to Pass to Piss off Republicans entry. Here is a sample: “In accordance with the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States it is hereafter unlawful to have any religious wording or symbols used by any nationally funded entity, governmental entity or any private entity that receives federal funding. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of the word “God” on currency or nationally recognized songs and pledges.

Did you Know?

Do not let conservatives lie to you. Our Founding Fathers did not believe this was a Christian Country- The Treaty of Tripoli, which was read on the Senate floor in 1797 and signed into law by John Adams begins, “As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion….” Yeah, that’s right. Oh, and by the way, it was unanimously approved. How do you think those words would go over with the general populous today?

Civil War 2- Attack of the Stupid

Good morning Orbsonites! As you know, I have been out battling the Stupid. I have spread knowledge to those who are without and preached freedom, tolerance and love to those who live only with hate. Unfortunately, I am failing. I just finished reading the latest news stories; an act which often leaves me feeling depressed. I have come to a realization. We are under attack. Liberals everywhere are being attacked in both large and small ways by the religious conservatives in this country. Readers, you know I enjoy poking fun at conservatives. I have often seen them as that cat who runs full speed into a staircase only to crash headfirst. I laugh and say, “Dumb cat”. I believe the Republican Party is made up of millions of dumb cats. I have joked that the reason religious leaders oppose contraception is because alter boys can’t get pregnant. That the reason Rush Limbaugh would call someone a “slut” is because she, like every other intelligent woman in the world, would never touch him. Yet recently I am starting to see something deeper behind their acts. Something dark. Something evil.

Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.

Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.

Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.

Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.

Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!

Orbson's Movie Reviews

Sometimes tragedy jumps up and smacks you in the ball sack. This weekend, I am sorry to say, my Internet stopped working. Over the past week, I’ve worried that it might be ill but hoped it was just a little bug that would pass. On Saturday, it sunk into a coma. The worse part is not knowing what’s wrong. I tried the usual remedies but nothing has worked. I even tried a new modem but all I received were empty clicks. Now I must wait until Tuesday when the cable surgeon will come to determine the fate of my beloved Internet. Until then I will not be able to check my football scores, stream Netflix or enjoy a relaxing session of Jack and Jizz. The weekend’s entertainment could have been pretty lackluster had I not remembered Red Box.

Three Blu-Ray movies helped to fill in the gap left by the lack of Internet- Limitless, I Am Number Four and Source Code. Don’t worry, you won’t find any spoilers here, just some Orbson-esque reviews:

Limitless: The basic concept of this movie makes my special parts tingle. Take one little pill and suddenly you have a Super Brain. Learn languages in hours, master the stock market, remember everything you ever read or saw and finally understand what the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie was about. I was really looking forward to seeing this movie. Unfortunately, they took a great concept and made a crappy movie. I didn’t connect to any of the characters and the film plodded along like a Republican trying to read Shakespeare. By the middle, I was looking around for a pill I could take to make the movie better. Ultimately I’ll give this one 2 out of 5 stars with the extra star for the good idea.

I Am Number Four: I was initially unsure about this one. Netflix thought I would like it, so I figured what the hell. Thank you Netflix. This was a tightly written, fast paced movie with a decent plotline and above average acting. The reviews of this seemed surprisingly mixed with people expressing either love or hate. Perhaps I am just a sucker for a good teen sci-fi action flick. The film follows a young man who tries to fit into a new school. The problem is that he is actually an alien with powers he can’t control and is being hunted by other aliens who want his race annihilated. If nothing else, you should watch this for Teresa Palmer who plays Number 6. Diana Agron (Glee) was a treat, but Teresa, the Australian beauty, was a kick-ass Buffy-esque heroine. Her stunts were outstanding and she definitely made me wish I was Number 9. In the end, I give this a solid 4 out of 5 stars.

Source Code: I expected your typical action movie that was a combination of Groundhog Day and Die Hard. What I got was much more. Jake Gyllenhaal was outstanding as Colter Stevens, a helicopter pilot who wakes to find himself on a commuter train with no memory of how he got there. The next hour and a half was an intense fast-paced mystery and action film that surprised me with its emotional depth. The ending will likely leave many with mixed feeling on the movie. However, I am comfortable rating this 4 out of 5 stars. I also need to mention the outstanding acting of Vera Farmiga who gives a nuanced performance as Colleen Goodwin. The depth she brought to her character with just a look was exceptional.

The fate of my Internet may still be unknown, but it was fun to get back into the movies. Now, to try to find a way to publish this….


They Should be Ashamed: The economy has halted many building projects in Las Vegas, leaving jobs half finished and construction machinery sitting unused. Well, that is until the birth of the Adult Sandbox. People are paying $750 a piece to operate bulldozers and move dirt and rocks around. Now I am not dissing the idea; it actually sounds like fun. However, paying $750 for something like that when many in this country go hungry gives new definition to the term gluttonous bastards.

Someone isn’t Listening: Obama continues to give in to Republican and Special Interests’ demands. On Friday, Obama appeased big business by backed off of his promise to toughen environmental standards. Even though most scientists and the E.P.A. says it’s necessary to uhm, breathe, Obama said no. I can only explain this in one of two ways. Obama is actually a Republican in sane person’s clothing or this country is in even worse shape then we thought. Either way, I am beginning to wonder if Hillary could run again.