New Liberal Laws to Battle the Stupid

If Republicans can propose laws that support the conservative principles of racism, sexism and homophobia, I think as liberals we should start proposing a few laws of our own:

Animal Rights

The Hunter Reciprocity Act: Hunting will continue to remain legal, however twice per year in addition to normal permit requirements, hunters must let animals hunt them. Since animals cannot carry guns, unarmed hunters will carry bloody raw (pink slime free) meat on their person to help aid the animals in their hunt. If a hunter can shoot a dear from a ¼ mile away with a scoped rifle, it is only fair to let a pack of wolves (cougars, bears or llamas are fine as well) get their shot too. In addition, hunting permits will now include an additional $1000 fee that will be divided equally among P.E.T.A., The Sierra Club and The Center for Biological Diversity.

The Animal Rights Act: All animals that are raised for food, clothing, immoral sex acts, or Hollywood movies must be treated humanely. No more nasty slaughterhouses, no more animals living in their own feces, no more 40 chickens being made to share a 1 square foot compartment. All animals should be treated like you would treat your pet dog. Well, maybe not YOUR pet dog. I’ve heard what you used to do with the peanut butter. Anyway, animals are living creatures and deserve respect before we turn them into a hamburger or chicken nugget.

The 2nd Amendment

The 2nd Amendment Revisited: We will NEVER take away anyone’s right to carry a gun. Seriously! Never, ever! Howeeevvvveeerrrrr, from here on out the 2nd amendment only applies to water guns. Sorry NRA, Now you have to change your name to NWGA.


Separation of Church and State:

In accordance with the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States it is hereafter unlawful to have any religious wording or symbols used by any nationally funded entity, governmental entity or any private entity that receives federal funding. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of the word “God” on currency or nationally recognized songs and pledges. The dollar bill shall now read “In Al Gore We Trust”

Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts, as well as help support Planned Parenthood and NPR.

A New Amendment

The 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution: Each fiscal year the total expenditures for war, or war-like activities, cannot exceed 50% of the total expenditures for the combined budgets of The Department of Education, NASA, and the National Endowment of the Arts. A year by year exception can occur only if 80% of Congress, the standing President and 67% of the voting public approve it.

In 2011, the military budget was approximately $740 billion (not counting veteran expenses or homeland security). The combination of the D of E, NASA and NEA was only $67.4 billion. I think it is time we start focusing more on education, innovation and creativity. Let’s put our tax dollars toward growth, prosperity and the acquisition of knowledge and stop putting it toward new ways to kill each other.


Orbson Read What! In Pic de Bugarach, France more than 20,000 people have gathered at an upside down mountain. No, the weird part is not the upside down mountain. That actually made sense when it was explained. What didn’t make sense was that these 20,000+ people believe that on Dec 21, 2012 the world will come to an end. Luckily for the believers, a race of aliens will emerge from the mountain to fly them to a new planet. Of all of the religious mythologies out there, this may be one of the funniest.

Civil War 2- Attack of the Stupid

Good morning Orbsonites! As you know, I have been out battling the Stupid. I have spread knowledge to those who are without and preached freedom, tolerance and love to those who live only with hate. Unfortunately, I am failing. I just finished reading the latest news stories; an act which often leaves me feeling depressed. I have come to a realization. We are under attack. Liberals everywhere are being attacked in both large and small ways by the religious conservatives in this country. Readers, you know I enjoy poking fun at conservatives. I have often seen them as that cat who runs full speed into a staircase only to crash headfirst. I laugh and say, “Dumb cat”. I believe the Republican Party is made up of millions of dumb cats. I have joked that the reason religious leaders oppose contraception is because alter boys can’t get pregnant. That the reason Rush Limbaugh would call someone a “slut” is because she, like every other intelligent woman in the world, would never touch him. Yet recently I am starting to see something deeper behind their acts. Something dark. Something evil.

Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.

Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.

Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.

Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.

Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!