Senate Passes Historic Gun Reform Bill

(Satire) I for one would like to thank Congress for finally passing some common sense gun regulations. I had doubts, but they really came through this time… 

On April 17, 2013, the U.S. Senate passed the most comprehensive gun reform bill in history. Beginning immediately all buyers of both new and used water guns will have to undergo a comprehensive background check to ensure they have the mental stability to properly care for and use their weapons. Additionally, the ammo capacity for all purchased guns has been limited to 20 ounces of water. If someone is found with a gun that contains more than 20 ounces they can be charged with a felony and put into “Time Out”.

This long awaited gun reform bill has many believing that the streets will finally be a safer and drier place. Along with background checks and ammo limitations, all high powered weapons such as the Nerf Supersoaker Scatter Blast and the Nerf Thunderstorm will no longer be available to the general public. The Scatter Blast brags at being able to hit a target 25 feet away with a “pump-handle water blaster [that] delivers five streams of water at once to soak your target to the max!” The Thunderstorm boasts that it is fully automatic and you “can just pull the trigger and blast away”. Without question removing these guns from society should drastically decrease the number of mass soakings. Along with the regulations keeping them out of the hands of the mentally unbalanced we should all feel a little safer.

Now it is time to congratulate the U.S. Senate on a job well done. For a while it appeared as thought they were in the pockets of the water gun lobby and it is good to see that they finally took strong and decisive action to protect a constituency who overwhelmingly desired gun reform. So pick up your phones or send an email and thank your senators for not being the corrupt pricks we thought they were. You can locate your senator’s contact information at Open Congress.




Photo by: Makuahine Pa'i Ki'i

New Liberal Laws to Battle the Stupid

If Republicans can propose laws that support the conservative principles of racism, sexism and homophobia, I think as liberals we should start proposing a few laws of our own:

Animal Rights

The Hunter Reciprocity Act: Hunting will continue to remain legal, however twice per year in addition to normal permit requirements, hunters must let animals hunt them. Since animals cannot carry guns, unarmed hunters will carry bloody raw (pink slime free) meat on their person to help aid the animals in their hunt. If a hunter can shoot a dear from a ¼ mile away with a scoped rifle, it is only fair to let a pack of wolves (cougars, bears or llamas are fine as well) get their shot too. In addition, hunting permits will now include an additional $1000 fee that will be divided equally among P.E.T.A., The Sierra Club and The Center for Biological Diversity.

The Animal Rights Act: All animals that are raised for food, clothing, immoral sex acts, or Hollywood movies must be treated humanely. No more nasty slaughterhouses, no more animals living in their own feces, no more 40 chickens being made to share a 1 square foot compartment. All animals should be treated like you would treat your pet dog. Well, maybe not YOUR pet dog. I’ve heard what you used to do with the peanut butter. Anyway, animals are living creatures and deserve respect before we turn them into a hamburger or chicken nugget.

The 2nd Amendment

The 2nd Amendment Revisited: We will NEVER take away anyone’s right to carry a gun. Seriously! Never, ever! Howeeevvvveeerrrrr, from here on out the 2nd amendment only applies to water guns. Sorry NRA, Now you have to change your name to NWGA.


Separation of Church and State:

In accordance with the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States it is hereafter unlawful to have any religious wording or symbols used by any nationally funded entity, governmental entity or any private entity that receives federal funding. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of the word “God” on currency or nationally recognized songs and pledges. The dollar bill shall now read “In Al Gore We Trust”

Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts, as well as help support Planned Parenthood and NPR.

A New Amendment

The 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution: Each fiscal year the total expenditures for war, or war-like activities, cannot exceed 50% of the total expenditures for the combined budgets of The Department of Education, NASA, and the National Endowment of the Arts. A year by year exception can occur only if 80% of Congress, the standing President and 67% of the voting public approve it.

In 2011, the military budget was approximately $740 billion (not counting veteran expenses or homeland security). The combination of the D of E, NASA and NEA was only $67.4 billion. I think it is time we start focusing more on education, innovation and creativity. Let’s put our tax dollars toward growth, prosperity and the acquisition of knowledge and stop putting it toward new ways to kill each other.


Orbson Read What! In Pic de Bugarach, France more than 20,000 people have gathered at an upside down mountain. No, the weird part is not the upside down mountain. That actually made sense when it was explained. What didn’t make sense was that these 20,000+ people believe that on Dec 21, 2012 the world will come to an end. Luckily for the believers, a race of aliens will emerge from the mountain to fly them to a new planet. Of all of the religious mythologies out there, this may be one of the funniest.