Jon Stewart Exploring Senate Run with Eye on Presidency

Jon Stewart for President. The sentence that makes liberals jump for joy and conservatives tremble in fear. According to sources close to the retiring host of the popular Daily Show, Stewart has formed an exploratory committee for a 2016 Senate run. In much the same way Hillary Clinton has worked her way to Presidential contention, Stewart is believed to be setting himself up to run for the highest office in either 2020 or 2024 depending on the outcome of the 2016 election.

Stewart’s retirement from the highly successful late night Comedy Central show surprised many as he is clearly one of the most respected entertainer/pundits in the country. Attacking issues from a common sense standpoint and satirically ridiculing the responses on both sides of the aisle, Stewart may be the perfect person to bring sanity back to an insane government. The fact is, if he is planning to run for the U.S. Senate his timing couldn’t be better. As to where Stewart might run, my sources state that for the past two years he has been buying homes in states that are expected to have close Senate battles. He is particularly focused on those in which Republicans have a slight edge. “If he can turn a seat red to blue, that’s where he’ll be.” The top possibilities include Wisconsin, Florida and Pennsylvania, all of which have Republican held Senate seats that will be up for grabs in 2016.

The Orbson Oracle conducted an informal poll in each of those states and Stewart was the overwhelming favorite garnering more than 60% of the vote in each. We contacted Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus for a reaction to the Stewart news and his response will likely be mirrored by conservatives throughout the country: “What? He’s doing what?! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh man, I think I just shit myself. This isn’t on record is it? Look, I have to go. Fuck!” If Priebus’s response is any indication there will be a lot of republicans shopping for new underwear this weekend.

This article was brought to you by Arby’s: “Arby’s- a burning tummy is a happy tummy!”


Photgraph by: Cliff

Senate Passes Historic Gun Reform Bill

(Satire) I for one would like to thank Congress for finally passing some common sense gun regulations. I had doubts, but they really came through this time… 

On April 17, 2013, the U.S. Senate passed the most comprehensive gun reform bill in history. Beginning immediately all buyers of both new and used water guns will have to undergo a comprehensive background check to ensure they have the mental stability to properly care for and use their weapons. Additionally, the ammo capacity for all purchased guns has been limited to 20 ounces of water. If someone is found with a gun that contains more than 20 ounces they can be charged with a felony and put into “Time Out”.

This long awaited gun reform bill has many believing that the streets will finally be a safer and drier place. Along with background checks and ammo limitations, all high powered weapons such as the Nerf Supersoaker Scatter Blast and the Nerf Thunderstorm will no longer be available to the general public. The Scatter Blast brags at being able to hit a target 25 feet away with a “pump-handle water blaster [that] delivers five streams of water at once to soak your target to the max!” The Thunderstorm boasts that it is fully automatic and you “can just pull the trigger and blast away”. Without question removing these guns from society should drastically decrease the number of mass soakings. Along with the regulations keeping them out of the hands of the mentally unbalanced we should all feel a little safer.

Now it is time to congratulate the U.S. Senate on a job well done. For a while it appeared as thought they were in the pockets of the water gun lobby and it is good to see that they finally took strong and decisive action to protect a constituency who overwhelmingly desired gun reform. So pick up your phones or send an email and thank your senators for not being the corrupt pricks we thought they were. You can locate your senator’s contact information at Open Congress.




Photo by: Makuahine Pa'i Ki'i