DeVos Bans “Teaching” in Classrooms

Newly appointed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is taking a bold approach to educating the young people of the United States- a ban on teaching. On Tuesday afternoon just hours after her nomination was confirmed, DeVos and Trump announced a new executive order which prohibits the use of “teaching” in public schools. According to DeVos, the term “teaching” is an “elitist liberal term that only allows for the education of children via facts and does not take into account alternative forms of education”. The new term, which will take affect starting March 1, will be “enlightening.” During the press conference DeVos stated, “Learning needs be better. This less confusing for students. Enlightening good. Jesus good. Trump good. Goodbye.” The Department of Education released a sample of the new guidelines for the Science curriculum:

Gravity:

Former Lesson: Gravity is a force of attraction that exists between any two masses, any two bodies or any two particles.

Alternative Enlightened Theory: Gravity is God’s way on ensuring that we do not fly off into space. Should we displease God, gravity would be removed and we would simply float away. It is our belief in God that keeps us grounded.

Dinosaurs:

Former Lesson: Dinosaurs are animals that lived approximately 230 million years ago and survived until an extinction event occurred 66 million years ago. Evidence suggests that birds may be descended from dinosaurs.

Alternative Enlightened Theory: When God cast Adam and Eve from the garden, he placed upon the Earth many challenges. Dinosaur bones were one of those challenges. Dinosaurs themselves did not exist; the bones were purposely placed there by God to test the faith of those who found them. The Earth itself is only 6,021 years old.

Rain:

Former Lesson: Rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall under gravity.

Alternative Enlightened Lesson: Rain is God showering his essence over his people. Moderate rain is desirable and means God loves you. Heavy rain implies that God believes you are drowning in your sins. God condemns liberals, thus it rains often in areas such as Seattle and Portland. A desert climate means that God has given up on the people.

The new “enlightenment” guidelines have been celebrated as a “revolutionary step toward a superior education.” Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam, stated “We do a disservice to our children when we do not take a fair and balanced approach to their education. This order will protect children from the radical ideas of the left while enlightening them with honest and moral educational principles.” Time will only tell whether the DeVos approach will succeed, but Trump seems optimistic, “We be finally getting good learning here.” In related news, hospitals all over the country are filling up quickly with teachers reporting concussion-like symptoms due to hitting their heads repeatedly against walls.


Photograph by: Hans Hillewaert

New Liberal Laws to Battle the Stupid

If Republicans can propose laws that support the conservative principles of racism, sexism and homophobia, I think as liberals we should start proposing a few laws of our own:

Animal Rights

The Hunter Reciprocity Act: Hunting will continue to remain legal, however twice per year in addition to normal permit requirements, hunters must let animals hunt them. Since animals cannot carry guns, unarmed hunters will carry bloody raw (pink slime free) meat on their person to help aid the animals in their hunt. If a hunter can shoot a dear from a ¼ mile away with a scoped rifle, it is only fair to let a pack of wolves (cougars, bears or llamas are fine as well) get their shot too. In addition, hunting permits will now include an additional $1000 fee that will be divided equally among P.E.T.A., The Sierra Club and The Center for Biological Diversity.

The Animal Rights Act: All animals that are raised for food, clothing, immoral sex acts, or Hollywood movies must be treated humanely. No more nasty slaughterhouses, no more animals living in their own feces, no more 40 chickens being made to share a 1 square foot compartment. All animals should be treated like you would treat your pet dog. Well, maybe not YOUR pet dog. I’ve heard what you used to do with the peanut butter. Anyway, animals are living creatures and deserve respect before we turn them into a hamburger or chicken nugget.

The 2nd Amendment

The 2nd Amendment Revisited: We will NEVER take away anyone’s right to carry a gun. Seriously! Never, ever! Howeeevvvveeerrrrr, from here on out the 2nd amendment only applies to water guns. Sorry NRA, Now you have to change your name to NWGA.


Separation of Church and State:

In accordance with the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States it is hereafter unlawful to have any religious wording or symbols used by any nationally funded entity, governmental entity or any private entity that receives federal funding. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of the word “God” on currency or nationally recognized songs and pledges. The dollar bill shall now read “In Al Gore We Trust”

Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts, as well as help support Planned Parenthood and NPR.

A New Amendment

The 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution: Each fiscal year the total expenditures for war, or war-like activities, cannot exceed 50% of the total expenditures for the combined budgets of The Department of Education, NASA, and the National Endowment of the Arts. A year by year exception can occur only if 80% of Congress, the standing President and 67% of the voting public approve it.

In 2011, the military budget was approximately $740 billion (not counting veteran expenses or homeland security). The combination of the D of E, NASA and NEA was only $67.4 billion. I think it is time we start focusing more on education, innovation and creativity. Let’s put our tax dollars toward growth, prosperity and the acquisition of knowledge and stop putting it toward new ways to kill each other.


Orbson Read What! In Pic de Bugarach, France more than 20,000 people have gathered at an upside down mountain. No, the weird part is not the upside down mountain. That actually made sense when it was explained. What didn’t make sense was that these 20,000+ people believe that on Dec 21, 2012 the world will come to an end. Luckily for the believers, a race of aliens will emerge from the mountain to fly them to a new planet. Of all of the religious mythologies out there, this may be one of the funniest.