If Republicans can propose laws that support the conservative principles of racism, sexism and homophobia, I think as liberals we should start proposing a few laws of our own:
Animal Rights
The Hunter Reciprocity Act: Hunting will continue to remain legal, however twice per year in addition to normal permit requirements, hunters must let animals hunt them. Since animals cannot carry guns, unarmed hunters will carry bloody raw (pink slime free) meat on their person to help aid the animals in their hunt. If a hunter can shoot a dear from a ¼ mile away with a scoped rifle, it is only fair to let a pack of wolves (cougars, bears or llamas are fine as well) get their shot too. In addition, hunting permits will now include an additional $1000 fee that will be divided equally among P.E.T.A., The Sierra Club and The Center for Biological Diversity.
The Animal Rights Act: All animals that are raised for food, clothing, immoral sex acts, or Hollywood movies must be treated humanely. No more nasty slaughterhouses, no more animals living in their own feces, no more 40 chickens being made to share a 1 square foot compartment. All animals should be treated like you would treat your pet dog. Well, maybe not YOUR pet dog. I’ve heard what you used to do with the peanut butter. Anyway, animals are living creatures and deserve respect before we turn them into a hamburger or chicken nugget.
The 2nd Amendment
The 2nd Amendment Revisited: We will NEVER take away anyone’s right to carry a gun. Seriously! Never, ever! Howeeevvvveeerrrrr, from here on out the 2nd amendment only applies to water guns. Sorry NRA, Now you have to change your name to NWGA.
Separation of Church and State:
In accordance with the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States it is hereafter unlawful to have any religious wording or symbols used by any nationally funded entity, governmental entity or any private entity that receives federal funding. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of the word “God” on currency or nationally recognized songs and pledges. The dollar bill shall now read “In Al Gore We Trust”
Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts, as well as help support Planned Parenthood and NPR.
A New Amendment
The 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution: Each fiscal year the total expenditures for war, or war-like activities, cannot exceed 50% of the total expenditures for the combined budgets of The Department of Education, NASA, and the National Endowment of the Arts. A year by year exception can occur only if 80% of Congress, the standing President and 67% of the voting public approve it.
In 2011, the military budget was approximately $740 billion (not counting veteran expenses or homeland security). The combination of the D of E, NASA and NEA was only $67.4 billion. I think it is time we start focusing more on education, innovation and creativity. Let’s put our tax dollars toward growth, prosperity and the acquisition of knowledge and stop putting it toward new ways to kill each other.
Orbson Read What! In Pic de Bugarach, France more than 20,000 people have gathered at an upside down mountain. No, the weird part is not the upside down mountain. That actually made sense when it was explained. What didn’t make sense was that these 20,000+ people believe that on Dec 21, 2012 the world will come to an end. Luckily for the believers, a race of aliens will emerge from the mountain to fly them to a new planet. Of all of the religious mythologies out there, this may be one of the funniest.
Showing posts with label college admissions humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college admissions humor. Show all posts
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Santorum Admitted to Rehab
The stress of Super Tuesday and the on-going battle with Mitt Romney has apparently become too much for Rick Santorum. Sunday evening, Santorum checked himself into Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” Christian counseling clinic. The Minneapolis clinic caused controversy for Bachmann during her brief bid for the Republican nomination. An ABC News investigation revealed a former patient who was advised by clinic administrators that “with prayer and effort, he could eventually learn to be attracted to women and rid himself of his gay urges.”
Santorum’s admission to the “Pray Away the Gay” facility comes as a surprise to many, though looking back, the clues may have been in the headlines:
“Poll: Santorum comes from behind in Alabama three-way”
“Santorum blasts Obama during Cumming rally”
“Santorum Surges With Low-Dollar Model Poised for Iowa Surprise”
“Huntsman Heartened by Santorum’s Rise”
“Rick Santorum runs hard on long final day in Iowa”
A person close to Santorum’s inner circle spoke at length about the Santorum’s decision:
“It was Romney. Mr. Santorum had all of those debates with him and it became too much. He’d wake up in terror after having inappropriate dreams about Mitt. He would just keep repeating, ‘The hair, I can’t stop thinking about running my hands through that beautiful hair.’ Finally, he decided enough was enough and went to get treatment. He’ll be cured, back in no time and after he wins the nomination, Romney won’t be around to tempt him with that beautiful mane.”
When asked whether Santorum might begin to have similar feelings toward President Obama, the source replied, “Oh no, he doesn’t believe in interracial relationships.”
Liberals have publicly denounced Bachmann’s clinic and tend to favor the belief that people can love whomever they choose. Recently, at this writer’s urging, liberals have been opening Pray Away the Stupid Centers across the country. Since conservative leaders generally prefer the masses stay ignorant, liberals hope that introducing the ignorant and intolerant to ideas like reading books and listening to facts could have a tremendous intellectual impact on the country. Until that impact is felt however, the only wood Rick Santorum will likely be sporting will be used to build his new closet.
Read More From Orbson Rice on Free Wood Post:
Grand Canyon to be ‘Filled In’ For Theme Park
Orbson Rice is a deeply disturbed professional Writer and Editor. He is also the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more from the God of Words himself.
Original Artwork by DonkeyHotey
Friday, March 9, 2012
Civil War 2- Attack of the Stupid
Good morning Orbsonites! As you know, I have been out battling the Stupid. I have spread knowledge to those who are without and preached freedom, tolerance and love to those who live only with hate. Unfortunately, I am failing. I just finished reading the latest news stories; an act which often leaves me feeling depressed. I have come to a realization. We are under attack. Liberals everywhere are being attacked in both large and small ways by the religious conservatives in this country. Readers, you know I enjoy poking fun at conservatives. I have often seen them as that cat who runs full speed into a staircase only to crash headfirst. I laugh and say, “Dumb cat”. I believe the Republican Party is made up of millions of dumb cats. I have joked that the reason religious leaders oppose contraception is because alter boys can’t get pregnant. That the reason Rush Limbaugh would call someone a “slut” is because she, like every other intelligent woman in the world, would never touch him. Yet recently I am starting to see something deeper behind their acts. Something dark. Something evil.
Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.
Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.
Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.
Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.
Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!
Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.
Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.
Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.
Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.
Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Conservative Group Accidentally Helps the Arts
Ultra-Conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC), made waves on Monday when they unknowingly aided the Arts. The JLC is a non-profit organization dedicated to obtaining properties deemed as “historic” or “environmentally significant” for major corporations to exploit. Rick Perry, the JLC founder, has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling. This past July, the JLC successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement and build the first ever “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range”. However, it was the JLC’s actions in Royal Oak, Michigan that has many of its loyal followers questioning the true motivations of the organization.
The JLC arrived in Michigan last week in an effort to turn the Detroit Zoo into the nation’s first Christian-themed indoor entertainment complex. The complex would come complete with an All Christian IMAX Theater, Revelations Arcade, Last Supper Diner, and the indoor Crucifixion Carnival with its soon to be famous Bible Thumper Bumper Cars. Unfortunately for the JLC, their plan to force the Zoo’s closure hit an embarrassing snag.
On Wednesday evening, the Detroit Zoo’s administration was scheduled to appear before the City Council to ask for increased funding. The JLC arrived at the meeting, planning to offer the City Council and the Zoo $10 million dollars to deny the Zoo’s petition, immediately sell the land to the JLC and dispose of the “useless animals”. This strategy has worked numerous times in the JLC’s history and they didn’t believe they would run into any trouble. Thus they sent a new employee to finalize the deal.
When Jebediah Strokoff walked into the City Council meeting for the JLC, little did he know that the Zoo’s appearance date had been changed. Instead of the Zoo’s petition, they were considering a petition by a small non-profit art organization called Art for Kids. When Jebediah arrived, the organization’s founders, Peter and Elizabeth Goodheart, were petitioning the City Council for a grant of $5,000 to help fix up the decrepit building they were using to host classes and events. They even brought some of the children in to display their paintings and sculptures which unfortunately for Jebediah and the JLC were all created during their last Animal Appreciation lesson.
Jebediah, mistaking the Goodheart’s for representatives of the Zoo immediately stood up and requested that the City Council deny their petition. He offered the City and the Goodheart’s (who actually owned the property) $10 million dollars. Stunned, the Goodheart’s tried to explain that the property was not worth that much. “We told him it was just a 4-room office building, but he kept looking up to the sky and saying ‘Jesus wills it thus’. Jebediah, who had never been interested in “book learnin”, simply did what his bosses at the JLC requested. The Goodheart’s immediately contacted their attorney and within an hour, the sale was complete and legal. Art for Kids now had all of the money they would ever need.
The next day, the JLC realized their mistake and tried to back out of the deal, but it was too late. The unintentional good deed had been done. At a political fundraiser in Massachusetts last night, a JLC spokesperson stated, “I was deeply saddened by the news in Royal Oak, Michigan. We do not support the Arts. I repeat the JLC does not support the Arts. This was an honest mistake and one that we will correct.”
However, it may be too late to save the JLC’s image. A former member spoke with us about the falling standards of the JLC, “They had the chance to close Yellowstone and they didn’t. They have a chance to close a deal on the Everglades but are dragging their feet. This is not the organization our forefathers had in mind when they formed this country. Yesterday, they helped poor the Arts. What did they get in return? Next to nothing. You don’t help people for nothing. That’s called socialism.” Can the JLC survive this scandal? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
The JLC arrived in Michigan last week in an effort to turn the Detroit Zoo into the nation’s first Christian-themed indoor entertainment complex. The complex would come complete with an All Christian IMAX Theater, Revelations Arcade, Last Supper Diner, and the indoor Crucifixion Carnival with its soon to be famous Bible Thumper Bumper Cars. Unfortunately for the JLC, their plan to force the Zoo’s closure hit an embarrassing snag.
On Wednesday evening, the Detroit Zoo’s administration was scheduled to appear before the City Council to ask for increased funding. The JLC arrived at the meeting, planning to offer the City Council and the Zoo $10 million dollars to deny the Zoo’s petition, immediately sell the land to the JLC and dispose of the “useless animals”. This strategy has worked numerous times in the JLC’s history and they didn’t believe they would run into any trouble. Thus they sent a new employee to finalize the deal.
When Jebediah Strokoff walked into the City Council meeting for the JLC, little did he know that the Zoo’s appearance date had been changed. Instead of the Zoo’s petition, they were considering a petition by a small non-profit art organization called Art for Kids. When Jebediah arrived, the organization’s founders, Peter and Elizabeth Goodheart, were petitioning the City Council for a grant of $5,000 to help fix up the decrepit building they were using to host classes and events. They even brought some of the children in to display their paintings and sculptures which unfortunately for Jebediah and the JLC were all created during their last Animal Appreciation lesson.
Jebediah, mistaking the Goodheart’s for representatives of the Zoo immediately stood up and requested that the City Council deny their petition. He offered the City and the Goodheart’s (who actually owned the property) $10 million dollars. Stunned, the Goodheart’s tried to explain that the property was not worth that much. “We told him it was just a 4-room office building, but he kept looking up to the sky and saying ‘Jesus wills it thus’. Jebediah, who had never been interested in “book learnin”, simply did what his bosses at the JLC requested. The Goodheart’s immediately contacted their attorney and within an hour, the sale was complete and legal. Art for Kids now had all of the money they would ever need.
The next day, the JLC realized their mistake and tried to back out of the deal, but it was too late. The unintentional good deed had been done. At a political fundraiser in Massachusetts last night, a JLC spokesperson stated, “I was deeply saddened by the news in Royal Oak, Michigan. We do not support the Arts. I repeat the JLC does not support the Arts. This was an honest mistake and one that we will correct.”
However, it may be too late to save the JLC’s image. A former member spoke with us about the falling standards of the JLC, “They had the chance to close Yellowstone and they didn’t. They have a chance to close a deal on the Everglades but are dragging their feet. This is not the organization our forefathers had in mind when they formed this country. Yesterday, they helped poor the Arts. What did they get in return? Next to nothing. You don’t help people for nothing. That’s called socialism.” Can the JLC survive this scandal? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Orbson Matriculating with Himself
September is college essay time. I just finished helping my little Orbson bro finalize his college essay and we started discussing how Orbson Rice might write one for himself. So I thought, let’s find out:
Topic: What would you bring to the University of Sarcastic Salutations?
I am Orbson Rice. I could bore you with my nearly perfect 1.7 grade point average or impress you with the many dollars I have donated in order to help young women pay for college. However, neither of those accomplishments will truly help me succeed at your school. Instead, I wish to regale you with my genius in the art of business management. At the age of 11-years-old, as other children were wasting their youth on frivolous activities, I set up a city-wide chain of lemonade stands. I named them, “Orbson Rice’s Awesome Lemonade”.
My plan was simple. I convinced twelve nine-year-olds to buy a franchise permit for $5 each. I then gave them a one page instruction manual on how to set up a table, make lemonade and sell to people as they walked by. Each cup was sold for $1 and I promised that they would be able to keep a full 10% of any profits. Of course, they had to purchase their ingredients from me, which had a small markup for my efforts. Now I didn’t pick twelve random children. I held auditions to find the cutest kids to peddle the drinks. People won’t say no to a cute kid who says “Please sir, my family is starving and this is the only way I can help.” Auditions are exhausting work so I felt perfectly entitled to the nominal $5 per kid audition fee.
Before long, I had a dozen lemonade stands set up through the city and the money was pouring in. I even assisted many of the children who could not do the math to calculate their 10%. Of course, I needed to charge an accounting fee, but that is only reasonable. One day, I was berating a young employee who I caught slacking on the job when a potential customer walked by muttering something about needing something stronger to drink. The light bulb went off and I went to work. Luckily, most parents don’t lock the liquor cabinet so it was easy to begin spiking the lemonade. I now had a new $5 product that I called “Orbson Rice's Great & Yummy”. In only one summer, I was able to pull in over $12,000 from my lemonade stands.
So what would I bring to the University of Sarcastic Salutations? Well, since the age of eleven, I have come a long way in the business world. The college environment has a plethora of unmet needs and Orbson Rice is the student to meet them. My self-taught knowledge in botany, chemistry and sports statistics should be particularly useful in my planned business ventures. If this essay isn’t enough to convince you, then I should probably confess something. I know who is on the Admissions Committee and was really surprised by some of the dirt I was able to dig up on you guys. A couple of you are really into some weird stuff. Well regardless, that information will probably never hit the public so you really shouldn’t worry too much.
Topic: What would you bring to the University of Sarcastic Salutations?
I am Orbson Rice. I could bore you with my nearly perfect 1.7 grade point average or impress you with the many dollars I have donated in order to help young women pay for college. However, neither of those accomplishments will truly help me succeed at your school. Instead, I wish to regale you with my genius in the art of business management. At the age of 11-years-old, as other children were wasting their youth on frivolous activities, I set up a city-wide chain of lemonade stands. I named them, “Orbson Rice’s Awesome Lemonade”.
My plan was simple. I convinced twelve nine-year-olds to buy a franchise permit for $5 each. I then gave them a one page instruction manual on how to set up a table, make lemonade and sell to people as they walked by. Each cup was sold for $1 and I promised that they would be able to keep a full 10% of any profits. Of course, they had to purchase their ingredients from me, which had a small markup for my efforts. Now I didn’t pick twelve random children. I held auditions to find the cutest kids to peddle the drinks. People won’t say no to a cute kid who says “Please sir, my family is starving and this is the only way I can help.” Auditions are exhausting work so I felt perfectly entitled to the nominal $5 per kid audition fee.
Before long, I had a dozen lemonade stands set up through the city and the money was pouring in. I even assisted many of the children who could not do the math to calculate their 10%. Of course, I needed to charge an accounting fee, but that is only reasonable. One day, I was berating a young employee who I caught slacking on the job when a potential customer walked by muttering something about needing something stronger to drink. The light bulb went off and I went to work. Luckily, most parents don’t lock the liquor cabinet so it was easy to begin spiking the lemonade. I now had a new $5 product that I called “Orbson Rice's Great & Yummy”. In only one summer, I was able to pull in over $12,000 from my lemonade stands.
So what would I bring to the University of Sarcastic Salutations? Well, since the age of eleven, I have come a long way in the business world. The college environment has a plethora of unmet needs and Orbson Rice is the student to meet them. My self-taught knowledge in botany, chemistry and sports statistics should be particularly useful in my planned business ventures. If this essay isn’t enough to convince you, then I should probably confess something. I know who is on the Admissions Committee and was really surprised by some of the dirt I was able to dig up on you guys. A couple of you are really into some weird stuff. Well regardless, that information will probably never hit the public so you really shouldn’t worry too much.
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