Munching on Mr. Ed and Other Signs of the Apocalypse

Over the past few weeks my inner Orbson has been a broken menagerie of thoughts, ideas and general pessimism about the state of everything. I have researched and prepped multiple entries for the Oracle but have been unable to adequately and eloquently express just how fracked up (yes my fellow geeks, I just made a Battlestar reference) our world has become. Yes, the unicorn’s horn has been broken (If you understand this reference you are my hero). Then today I realized that I have been muzzling my voice. I think I have been concerned too much with audience and not enough with truth. That is what the Oracle is supposed to be - provocative, racy, undeniably bold and most of all truthful. What I write may not always be right, but it should always be a reflection of my mind on that day. I will try to remember this moving forward. Sometimes walls can begin to rebuild and occasionally it is prudent to take a sledgehammer to them. Therefore, with the walls removed, I shall take you on a brief glimpse into a few of my thoughts over this pass week.

I’ll Have a Double Mr Ed with Cheese:

As this country collapses around us, Congress has decided that now is a great time to end the ban on the consumption of horses. Slaughterhouses are expected to be built and operational within a month (frackin’ blood-sucking leeches). The cost to the federal government? $3-5 million dollars (for inspectors). How is it paid for? Nobody knows. You see the economy is bad, so the rich people have to decide whether to sell their yacht or keep their horses. You guessed it. The Human Society has been seeing a lot of abandoned horses on their front step lately. That’s right, the poor horses that have “outlived their usefulness” will now be the ingredients in your next cheeseburger. Though if we use “usefulness” to identify new food sources than we can probably be expecting a rush order on Limbaugh sandwiches any day now. Regardless how you feel about consuming horses (or idiots), the meat industry in this country does horrific things to animals. Find out where your meat comes from. Look for organic grass-fed beef. Unless you are a vegetarian (if so, please teach me how) you want free roaming healthy animals that have been fed the right foods and not injected with a ton of drugs. Respect the animal. Demand change.

No God, No Turkey Mr. President:

President Obama’s Thanksgiving address did not include the word “God”. Of course there has been a rather large outcry from many in the media reproving the President for this serious lapse. Seriously Mr. Prez, how can you not thank God for allowing the genocide of a race of indigenous people so that we can have IPADs today? Look Bible-thumpers, this is a free frackin’ country not a free Christian country. God has no place in government. Get it off of our money, get it out of our public schools and get it off of our politician’s mouths. In God we trust? Well, I DO NOT trust your God! I trust in morality. I trust in right and wrong. Until you treat everyone equally, until you take care of those less fortunate, until you get your heads out of your asses and start thinking of people other than yourself, then your God can kiss my frackin’ ass (I did warn you I took a sledgehammer to those walls. At this point you can only blame yourself).

Not So Super Congress:

Speaking of Congress, guess what?! Super Congress failed to come up with any semblance of a plan to balance the budget and create a fair tax system. Don’t worry though, after some tense moments they’ll pass another 6-month plan along with the creation of the new Super-Duper Congress which will do what the Super Congress could not. I mean seriously, how could this possibly fail? It includes the word “Duper”! Look Congress, we’re not stupid. This is political grandstanding. You’re waiting until after the next election and hoping your guy will be in office so you can put through your plan and Obama can’t take credit. In the meantime, this country is starting to make Mexico look like a viable alternative. Republicans, I have a secret for you. In 2012 you are going to LOSE!!! I wouldn’t elect any of your candidates to the position of President of Wiping My Ass and the majority of this country feels the same way. So forget the election and try to get something accomplished today.

Ndamakong Suh and Stompgate:

Sometimes being a Detroit Lions fan makes me want to run naked through a field of thorns while pouring lemon juice all over my body. Last Thursday, Lions defensive tackle Ndamakong Suh stomped on Green Bay offensive lineman Evan Dietrich Smith. No, not a good stomp; an after the whistle I would like to put my boot through your pelvis stomp. The result? A two game suspension. Add in a rash of injuries and the 2nd hardest remaining schedule in the NFL and my Lions are probably done. After 600 years they were finally going to make the playoffs and now I’ll be stuck watching another Packers-Patriots Super Bowl.

Oracle Update:

So I allowed Free Wood Post to publish one of my earlier works (the Grand Canyon theme park entry) and in 48-hours it was viewed over 500 times and shared numerous times across Facebook. That makes me so happy I could stomp on a Packer. Of course then I read the comments people made on the article’s Facebook post. The vast majority of them said things like “Really?!!!” and “No Way!!!!” Now remember, this was an article about a Christian group called Jesus Loves Corporations that successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement to create the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park an Gun Range”. Most of the commenters thought it was a real story. I weep for humanity.

Conservative Group Accidentally Helps the Arts

Ultra-Conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC), made waves on Monday when they unknowingly aided the Arts. The JLC is a non-profit organization dedicated to obtaining properties deemed as “historic” or “environmentally significant” for major corporations to exploit. Rick Perry, the JLC founder, has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling. This past July, the JLC successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement and build the first ever “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range”. However, it was the JLC’s actions in Royal Oak, Michigan that has many of its loyal followers questioning the true motivations of the organization.

The JLC arrived in Michigan last week in an effort to turn the Detroit Zoo into the nation’s first Christian-themed indoor entertainment complex. The complex would come complete with an All Christian IMAX Theater, Revelations Arcade, Last Supper Diner, and the indoor Crucifixion Carnival with its soon to be famous Bible Thumper Bumper Cars. Unfortunately for the JLC, their plan to force the Zoo’s closure hit an embarrassing snag.

On Wednesday evening, the Detroit Zoo’s administration was scheduled to appear before the City Council to ask for increased funding. The JLC arrived at the meeting, planning to offer the City Council and the Zoo $10 million dollars to deny the Zoo’s petition, immediately sell the land to the JLC and dispose of the “useless animals”. This strategy has worked numerous times in the JLC’s history and they didn’t believe they would run into any trouble. Thus they sent a new employee to finalize the deal.

When Jebediah Strokoff walked into the City Council meeting for the JLC, little did he know that the Zoo’s appearance date had been changed. Instead of the Zoo’s petition, they were considering a petition by a small non-profit art organization called Art for Kids. When Jebediah arrived, the organization’s founders, Peter and Elizabeth Goodheart, were petitioning the City Council for a grant of $5,000 to help fix up the decrepit building they were using to host classes and events. They even brought some of the children in to display their paintings and sculptures which unfortunately for Jebediah and the JLC were all created during their last Animal Appreciation lesson.

Jebediah, mistaking the Goodheart’s for representatives of the Zoo immediately stood up and requested that the City Council deny their petition. He offered the City and the Goodheart’s (who actually owned the property) $10 million dollars. Stunned, the Goodheart’s tried to explain that the property was not worth that much. “We told him it was just a 4-room office building, but he kept looking up to the sky and saying ‘Jesus wills it thus’. Jebediah, who had never been interested in “book learnin”, simply did what his bosses at the JLC requested. The Goodheart’s immediately contacted their attorney and within an hour, the sale was complete and legal. Art for Kids now had all of the money they would ever need.

The next day, the JLC realized their mistake and tried to back out of the deal, but it was too late. The unintentional good deed had been done. At a political fundraiser in Massachusetts last night, a JLC spokesperson stated, “I was deeply saddened by the news in Royal Oak, Michigan. We do not support the Arts. I repeat the JLC does not support the Arts. This was an honest mistake and one that we will correct.”

However, it may be too late to save the JLC’s image. A former member spoke with us about the falling standards of the JLC, “They had the chance to close Yellowstone and they didn’t. They have a chance to close a deal on the Everglades but are dragging their feet. This is not the organization our forefathers had in mind when they formed this country. Yesterday, they helped poor the Arts. What did they get in return? Next to nothing. You don’t help people for nothing. That’s called socialism.” Can the JLC survive this scandal? I guess we'll have to wait and see.