Namaste Orbsonites! You may have noticed that I have been abnormally quiet these last couple of weeks. Well apparently even someone as awesome as me can get sick. I'm not sure if it was the flu or a sinus infection, either way, I have discovered a very important thing about myself. The things that I write when I have a 102 degree fever are really and truly awful. Fear not though, I am slowly recovering and was able to muster the strength to create the following bit o' satire.
On October 1, the long awaited Mitt Romney 5.0 is expected to be released to the general public. Just days before the debates, this latest version of the Presidential candidate is projected to be a dramatic improvement over Romney 4.0 which has thus far been described as both a “complete disaster” and the “Windows Vista of Presidential candidates”. The Romney 4.0 has been plagued with bugs that have had his campaign in a constant state of crisis management.
Since the release of Romney 4.0 this past spring, he has succeeded in insulting foreign leaders, denigrating half of the U.S. population, describing $250,000 a year as middle class and snubbing the poor, the elderly, Hispanics, teachers, and police and fire departments. In fact, Romney 4.0 has been such a failure, the campaign has had to implement “backtrack updates” almost daily to cover apologies and damage control. In one instance, an update was issued just minutes before Romney announced Paul Ryan as “the next President”. According to the campaign, “It could have been worse. He was set to name Bristol Palin as the Vice Presidential nominee. We barely uploaded the fix in time.” Republicans hope that the release of Romney 5.0 will end the litany of gaffes as the campaign desperately searches for a way to win the election.
The Mitt Romney 5.0 will offer voters an entirely new Mitt Romney experience. Voters can expect a return to a more centrist Mitt who will revisit his fondness for universal health care and pro-choice legislation. Romney will also be equipped with the latest in multimodal interaction technology which will better equip Romney to process new information and respond in a more intelligent manner. With the debates just days away, the campaign is hoping the new technology will allow them to compete with what they admit is a significantly smarter Barack Obama. The Mitt Romney 5.0 will also appeal to younger voters by being able to instantly access Yelp, Pandora and Google Maps upon request. As for Ann Romney, a campaign spokesperson stated, “The old version will have to do. We tried to figure out a way to add compassion to her programming but her interface recognizes it as a virus and immediately destroys the software. You see this sometimes with older conservative models.” In any event, with the debates just days away, the Romney campaign is pinning its Presidential aspirations on the Mitt Romney 5.0.
On Tuesday, former President Bill Clinton was appointed to the position of Chaperone of the United States Secret Service. In reaction to the recent controversy involving alcohol, strippers and prostitutes in Colombia, the Secret Service has instituted new “rules of conduct” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/28/secret-service-chaperones_n_1461457.html for its agents. One of the measures involves the appointment of a “chaperone” to monitor agents’ actions and enforce the new higher standards. Within hours of the announcement, President Clinton made a formal request to fill the position. According to White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, “The former President was adamant that he would be able to provide the proper oversight for the after-hours activities of Secret Service agents and President Obama agreed.”
After examining the old version of "The Secret Service Rules of Conduct", it is unclear whether the "new rules" were needed or just a reaction to the controversy. In the section labeled “Engaging prostitutes while visiting foreign countries”, the rules clearly stated:
1. Agents may entertain no more than five prostitutes per room, per evening.
2. If agents are garbed in outfits including but not limited to sexy kitten costumes, French maid outfits or latex body suits, they should refrain from leaving their hotel rooms.
3. Agents should refrain from creating a scene with prostitute(s) due to unrequited articulations of love or refusal to pay for services rendered.
Had the agents followed the previously established protocol there likely would not have been a scandal in Colombia. Still, according to Clinton the inclusion of a chaperone will create an aura of respectability. “The agents can still have a good time, but they’ll do it in a more discreet and professional way. I understand blowing off some steam, but they need to be believable when they deny it later.” The first test of the new regime will occur this weekend in Bangkok, Thailand where the former President is already getting comfortable in his new position by thoroughly vetting potential escorts.
This July, former President George W. Bush will be given one of this country’s greatest honors, a permanent place on Mount Rushmore. The newly created sculpture of the former President will stand alongside George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln. While the inclusion of Bush on the famous monument would be expected to stir criticism and protest, the decision has gone mostly unnoticed by the mainstream media. According to the National Park Service, the proposal to add Bush was buried in a 482-page Senate appropriations bill. Nobody noticed the rider until the bill was approved and construction had already begun. The provision, written by U.S. Senator Marco Rubio (FL) a.k.a. the “Crown Prince” of the Tea Party, described the former President as “the greatest in the last 100 years”.
Since news of the Bush addition to Mount Rushmore broke, Rubio and other Republicans have rushed to defend the decision. During a CNN interview, Rubio stated, “George W. Bush, in my opinion, did a fantastic job as president.” In a recent speech on the economic recovery, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie agreed, “Mr. President [Bush], thank you for setting that example, thank you for inspiring a whole new generation of conservative Republican leaders who you helped create,” recent Sunday, U.S. Representative Paul Ryan (WI) sat down with ABC correspondent Katie Couric to discuss the Bush Legacy and the Mount Rushmore honor:
“It is only with perspective can we truly evaluate the actions of a President. Bush himself said, ‘I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.’ Reagan left office, many believed he did a horrible job. Now, he is remembered as one of this country’s greats. George W. Bush took office on the precipice of some of the worse times in our country’s history: 9/11, the Great Recession, bubbles bursting, foreclosures, natural disasters, failing banks and businesses. Most Presidents only have to deal with one or two major issues, President Bush had to deal with dozens of issues, most of which were a direct result of the Clinton era. It took time, but now we see that his courageous policies got us through those tough times and we are seeing the results: more jobs, a stronger economy, and better foreign relations. These results are not due to the current President. These are the results of President George W. Bush. He will be remembered as one of the greatest President’s in American history and I could not be more excited to see his face on Mount Rushmore.”
With construction already underway, there seems little that can be done. The President who once said,"I'm going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened” seems to have had his wish granted.
Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican nominee for President, is a proud member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men (NAAWM). This past week, Romney spoke at a political fundraiser at the Myers Park Country Club in Charlotte, North Carolina. The “membership is by invitation only” country club costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $60,000 to get into the door, plus monthly dues and usage fees. The cost to attend the Romney fundraiser was a meager $1,000 per person and $2,500 to have your photo taken with the former Governor. What better place for the multi-millionaire candidate to find financial supporters for his campaign. Not surprisingly, he also found other members of NAAWM.
During the event, Romney was asked by a potential donor how his membership in the NAAWM would affect his candidacy. Romney responded,
“I am proud to be a member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men. There is a negative backlash in this country against the wealthy white male and it needs to stop. It is simply an example of class warfare tinged by racism that is perpetrated by the left. We are the ones who create the businesses, we are the ones who founded the United States, and we are the ones that enable minorities to provide for their families by creating jobs. They should not be attacking us; they should be thanking us on bended knee. President Obama says I was born with a ‘silver spoon’ in my mouth, well guess what, silver is cheap. I was born with a diamond spoon in my mouth and come November I am going to use those diamonds to buy my way into the White House. Not just for me, but for persecuted wealthy white men throughout this great nation.”
While Romney’s fundraising base might agree with his assessment, it seems unlikely that the majority of Americans would concur. According to OpenSecrets.org, Romney has raised $75 million for his campaign with only 10% coming from “small donations” (under $200). President Obama however, has raised over $156 million with 45% coming from small donations. Proving once again that a unified people will always be more powerful than simple wealth.
Good morning Orbsonites! As you know, I have been out battling the Stupid. I have spread knowledge to those who are without and preached freedom, tolerance and love to those who live only with hate. Unfortunately, I am failing. I just finished reading the latest news stories; an act which often leaves me feeling depressed. I have come to a realization. We are under attack. Liberals everywhere are being attacked in both large and small ways by the religious conservatives in this country. Readers, you know I enjoy poking fun at conservatives. I have often seen them as that cat who runs full speed into a staircase only to crash headfirst. I laugh and say, “Dumb cat”. I believe the Republican Party is made up of millions of dumb cats. I have joked that the reason religious leaders oppose contraception is because alter boys can’t get pregnant. That the reason Rush Limbaugh would call someone a “slut” is because she, like every other intelligent woman in the world, would never touch him. Yet recently I am starting to see something deeper behind their acts. Something dark. Something evil.
Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.
Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.
Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.
Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.
Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!
Over the past few weeks my inner Orbson has been a broken menagerie of thoughts, ideas and general pessimism about the state of everything. I have researched and prepped multiple entries for the Oracle but have been unable to adequately and eloquently express just how fracked up (yes my fellow geeks, I just made a Battlestar reference) our world has become. Yes, the unicorn’s horn has been broken (If you understand this reference you are my hero). Then today I realized that I have been muzzling my voice. I think I have been concerned too much with audience and not enough with truth. That is what the Oracle is supposed to be - provocative, racy, undeniably bold and most of all truthful. What I write may not always be right, but it should always be a reflection of my mind on that day. I will try to remember this moving forward. Sometimes walls can begin to rebuild and occasionally it is prudent to take a sledgehammer to them. Therefore, with the walls removed, I shall take you on a brief glimpse into a few of my thoughts over this pass week.
I’ll Have a Double Mr Ed with Cheese:
As this country collapses around us, Congress has decided that now is a great time to end the ban on the consumption of horses. Slaughterhouses are expected to be built and operational within a month (frackin’ blood-sucking leeches). The cost to the federal government? $3-5 million dollars (for inspectors). How is it paid for? Nobody knows. You see the economy is bad, so the rich people have to decide whether to sell their yacht or keep their horses. You guessed it. The Human Society has been seeing a lot of abandoned horses on their front step lately. That’s right, the poor horses that have “outlived their usefulness” will now be the ingredients in your next cheeseburger. Though if we use “usefulness” to identify new food sources than we can probably be expecting a rush order on Limbaugh sandwiches any day now. Regardless how you feel about consuming horses (or idiots), the meat industry in this country does horrific things to animals. Find out where your meat comes from. Look for organic grass-fed beef. Unless you are a vegetarian (if so, please teach me how) you want free roaming healthy animals that have been fed the right foods and not injected with a ton of drugs. Respect the animal. Demand change.
No God, No Turkey Mr. President:
President Obama’s Thanksgiving address did not include the word “God”. Of course there has been a rather large outcry from many in the media reproving the President for this serious lapse. Seriously Mr. Prez, how can you not thank God for allowing the genocide of a race of indigenous people so that we can have IPADs today? Look Bible-thumpers, this is a free frackin’ country not a free Christian country. God has no place in government. Get it off of our money, get it out of our public schools and get it off of our politician’s mouths. In God we trust? Well, I DO NOT trust your God! I trust in morality. I trust in right and wrong. Until you treat everyone equally, until you take care of those less fortunate, until you get your heads out of your asses and start thinking of people other than yourself, then your God can kiss my frackin’ ass (I did warn you I took a sledgehammer to those walls. At this point you can only blame yourself).
Not So Super Congress:
Speaking of Congress, guess what?! Super Congress failed to come up with any semblance of a plan to balance the budget and create a fair tax system. Don’t worry though, after some tense moments they’ll pass another 6-month plan along with the creation of the new Super-Duper Congress which will do what the Super Congress could not. I mean seriously, how could this possibly fail? It includes the word “Duper”! Look Congress, we’re not stupid. This is political grandstanding. You’re waiting until after the next election and hoping your guy will be in office so you can put through your plan and Obama can’t take credit. In the meantime, this country is starting to make Mexico look like a viable alternative. Republicans, I have a secret for you. In 2012 you are going to LOSE!!! I wouldn’t elect any of your candidates to the position of President of Wiping My Ass and the majority of this country feels the same way. So forget the election and try to get something accomplished today.
Ndamakong Suh and Stompgate:
Sometimes being a Detroit Lions fan makes me want to run naked through a field of thorns while pouring lemon juice all over my body. Last Thursday, Lions defensive tackle Ndamakong Suh stomped on Green Bay offensive lineman Evan Dietrich Smith. No, not a good stomp; an after the whistle I would like to put my boot through your pelvis stomp. The result? A two game suspension. Add in a rash of injuries and the 2nd hardest remaining schedule in the NFL and my Lions are probably done. After 600 years they were finally going to make the playoffs and now I’ll be stuck watching another Packers-Patriots Super Bowl.
Oracle Update:
So I allowed Free Wood Post to publish one of my earlier works (the Grand Canyon theme park entry) and in 48-hours it was viewed over 500 times and shared numerous times across Facebook. That makes me so happy I could stomp on a Packer. Of course then I read the comments people made on the article’s Facebook post. The vast majority of them said things like “Really?!!!” and “No Way!!!!” Now remember, this was an article about a Christian group called Jesus Loves Corporations that successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement to create the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park an Gun Range”. Most of the commenters thought it was a real story. I weep for humanity.
The Orbson Oracle will be taking a short hiatus as Orbson heads off on yet another adventure. Don’t worry, as I am spreading the word of Orbson to others, I’ll still be posting blog entries. I may just limit them to two or three per week for the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, don’t forget to keep an eye on my Twitter (ooh that sounds dirty) where I will certainly be more active than usual. In the meantime, here are a few morsels to tide you over until next time:
Obama’s Speech: Great speech Mr. President! You listened to my advice and put every single one of my ideas in your Jobs Program. It would have been nice if you’d acknowledged where you got your ideas, but hey, at least you were listening. Now stick to your principles and don’t give in to the simple-minded Congressional conservatives.
Ben and Jerry’s new flavor is “Schweddy Balls” Ice Cream: No I did not make this up. I have no idea what kind of flavor profile this will have and frankly I don’t want to know.
Google bought Zagat and are in the bidding for Hulu: Seriously Google, are you trying to buy everything? Why don’t you buy T Mobile and actually making it a good cell phone service? How about buying an airline and making decent, comfortable airplanes? Hey, purchase Hooters, combine it with the airline and make the best flying experience ever!
Yo Asshole Said What? Rick Perry was asked whether he ever had concerns that someone was put to death that was later proven innocent. His answer “No, sir. I’ve never struggled with that all.” Not surprising that someone who does not believe in science would look at DNA evidence as another liberal myth. Still Mr. Perry, doesn’t your Bible say something like “Thou Shall Not Kill”?
Sometimes tragedy jumps up and smacks you in the ball sack. This weekend, I am sorry to say, my Internet stopped working. Over the past week, I’ve worried that it might be ill but hoped it was just a little bug that would pass. On Saturday, it sunk into a coma. The worse part is not knowing what’s wrong. I tried the usual remedies but nothing has worked. I even tried a new modem but all I received were empty clicks. Now I must wait until Tuesday when the cable surgeon will come to determine the fate of my beloved Internet. Until then I will not be able to check my football scores, stream Netflix or enjoy a relaxing session of Jack and Jizz. The weekend’s entertainment could have been pretty lackluster had I not remembered Red Box.
Three Blu-Ray movies helped to fill in the gap left by the lack of Internet- Limitless, I Am Number Four and Source Code. Don’t worry, you won’t find any spoilers here, just some Orbson-esque reviews:
Limitless: The basic concept of this movie makes my special parts tingle. Take one little pill and suddenly you have a Super Brain. Learn languages in hours, master the stock market, remember everything you ever read or saw and finally understand what the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie was about. I was really looking forward to seeing this movie. Unfortunately, they took a great concept and made a crappy movie. I didn’t connect to any of the characters and the film plodded along like a Republican trying to read Shakespeare. By the middle, I was looking around for a pill I could take to make the movie better. Ultimately I’ll give this one 2 out of 5 stars with the extra star for the good idea.
I Am Number Four: I was initially unsure about this one. Netflix thought I would like it, so I figured what the hell. Thank you Netflix. This was a tightly written, fast paced movie with a decent plotline and above average acting. The reviews of this seemed surprisingly mixed with people expressing either love or hate. Perhaps I am just a sucker for a good teen sci-fi action flick. The film follows a young man who tries to fit into a new school. The problem is that he is actually an alien with powers he can’t control and is being hunted by other aliens who want his race annihilated. If nothing else, you should watch this for Teresa Palmer who plays Number 6. Diana Agron (Glee) was a treat, but Teresa, the Australian beauty, was a kick-ass Buffy-esque heroine. Her stunts were outstanding and she definitely made me wish I was Number 9. In the end, I give this a solid 4 out of 5 stars.
Source Code: I expected your typical action movie that was a combination of Groundhog Day and Die Hard. What I got was much more. Jake Gyllenhaal was outstanding as Colter Stevens, a helicopter pilot who wakes to find himself on a commuter train with no memory of how he got there. The next hour and a half was an intense fast-paced mystery and action film that surprised me with its emotional depth. The ending will likely leave many with mixed feeling on the movie. However, I am comfortable rating this 4 out of 5 stars. I also need to mention the outstanding acting of Vera Farmiga who gives a nuanced performance as Colleen Goodwin. The depth she brought to her character with just a look was exceptional.
The fate of my Internet may still be unknown, but it was fun to get back into the movies. Now, to try to find a way to publish this….
They Should be Ashamed: The economy has halted many building projects in Las Vegas, leaving jobs half finished and construction machinery sitting unused. Well, that is until the birth of the Adult Sandbox. People are paying $750 a piece to operate bulldozers and move dirt and rocks around. Now I am not dissing the idea; it actually sounds like fun. However, paying $750 for something like that when many in this country go hungry gives new definition to the term gluttonous bastards.
Someone isn’t Listening: Obama continues to give in to Republican and Special Interests’ demands. On Friday, Obama appeased big business by backed off of his promise to toughen environmental standards. Even though most scientists and the E.P.A. says it’s necessary to uhm, breathe, Obama said no. I can only explain this in one of two ways. Obama is actually a Republican in sane person’s clothing or this country is in even worse shape then we thought. Either way, I am beginning to wonder if Hillary could run again.
Republican Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has been busy on the campaign trail. Her latest campaign promise? Last Tuesday she told a group of supporters that, "Under President Bachmann you will see gasoline come down below $2 a gallon again…. That will happen.” I don’t know about you but when I read the words “President Bachmann” a little bit of vomit came up. However, I will ignore that nightmare scenario for a while and dig into the issue of the day.
I seriously wonder how people like this can get out of bed everyday without a post it note on their foreheads saying “get up now”. This shouldn’t even be a partisan issue it should be a simple common sense issue. There are two facts that I have yet to see questioned. First, there is a limited amount of oil on our planet. We do not know the exact amount, but we know that at some point it will run out. Secondly, using oil in our vehicles causes massive environmental issues that affect our air, land and water.
Look, the answer isn’t finding more places to drill oil. We have done enough damage. The answer is discovering ways to use clean energy to fuel our daily lives. Drilling for new oil is like trying to build a new relationship by visiting a whorehouse. You put your pipe in a hole, get the fluids pumping and then you go home alone. All you get is a quick fix and a significant likelihood your dingleberries will turn green and die. If you want a happy and healthy relationship, if you want to keep your dingleberries intact, you need to stop trying to find dirty new holes and start looking for a long-term solution. I heard wind gives a nice “blow” job (sorry I couldn’t resist).
The point is that I do not want $2 gas. I would prefer that it never drops below $4 again. The oil and automobile companies want us to keep drilling. They pay a shitload of money on lobbyists and politicians. Don’t believe me? Good? Orbson always says to question everything. Take a look for yourself at websites such as Open Congress where you can track the money donated to politicians. You may be surprised to see how often an industry’s biggest advocate in Congress is also getting a lot of money from that industry. Is it in the best interests of the people the politician represents? Hardly ever. Unfortunately this is not just a Republican truth, you’ll find it on both sides of the aisle.
Now some Smart people will likely ask me, “Orbson, I agree with what you say, but shouldn’t we dig a little bit? There are a lot of poor people who cannot afford $4 gas. They're suffering without cheaper gas.” I understand this question and the answer is not easy. The problem with our country is that everyone feels entitled. We are entitled to all of the services we want, but don’t want to pay any of the bills. If gas were $2 people wouldn’t complain, the Prius wouldn’t be so popular (I want one) and automobile companies wouldn’t be worried about building cars with better fuel economy. Even the Smart people can get complacent when everything is too easy. We owe it to our children’s children to act. We must suffer a little now for the betterment of the future. We, as a nation, have fallen behind the rest of the world in mass transit. We consume and consume. Yet, our feelings of entitlement have blinded us to the damage we are doing. Finally, if you are still unsure, ask yourself this, what would Jesus drive? (The answer is a unicycle. I asked him last weekend during our latest Vegas adventure.)
Orbson’s Feeling Relevent: Why are all of our politicians taking bus tours around the country? Great, 3 miles a gallon, way to be pro environment and set a good example. No, I’m not just talking about the Palin bus debacle; Obama himself had a bus tour. Barack buddy, what were you thinking? What’s next? PETA dons fur coats and takes us hunting? Planned Parenthood holding Orgyfest 2011? Fox News reporting on… News? Seriously people, at least pretend you care about the Earth.
Orbson’s Online Presence: Don’t worry, not porn this week. Today’s website is Politifact. The Pulitzer Prize winner for National Reporting is run by the St. Petersburg Times and calls out politicians with their “truth-o-meter”. Particularly amusing is their “pants on fire” rating.
Orbson on His Hometown: Last weekend was the Michigan Dream Cruise. This is a celebration that involves parading old gas-guzzling cars up and down Woodward Avenue while people sit by the side of the road drinking beer. Of course on Monday morning things will go back to normal. You’ll still find people sitting by the side of the road drinking beer as gas guzzling cars drive by. However, now they’ll be holding up cardboard signs that say “Will work for food.”
In November of 2008, I visited my local voting site and placed my vote for Barack Obama. This was not a difficult choice. I had heard Barack speak a few years earlier and knew he was the right one to lead us out of the horrific George W. Bush era. I stayed awake late into the night as the results streamed in. Finally, it was announced, the United States had elected its first black President. I am not ashamed to admit that I shed a tear. I believed that the American people had finally understood the damage that Republicans inflicted on our country. I believed that Obama could lead us into a better world.
Fast forward to the present. Our country could not be more deeply divided. We waste time over frivolous issues and our President has seemingly lost his spunk. We are already discussing the 2012 election and I feel the need to stand up with all of my Orbson might and state, “Mr. President, I appreciate the many positive changes I have seen under your administration. However, with all respect, I must insist that you please grow a larger set of testicles.”
Here is Orbson’s open letter to President Barack Obama:
Mr. President,
In 2012, I will vote for you again. I will do so because there is no other option for a liberal like myself. If there were a viable option however, I would consider switching. On the campaign trail you spoke with vigor and determination. You did not veil your contempt for conservative politics and you won your election on the backs of liberals. Now, I believe you have become politicized; another victim of the D.C. disease that turns idealists into egotists. Your desire to be reelected has blinded you from the truth. The truth is that a large percentage of this country will never vote for you. They despise you because you are a democrat, because you are liberal on social issues and yes in some cases because you are black. The rest of us will vote for you because we know that you are our best hope for change. Please put the election aside and start fighting for what is right.
In 2008 you won because of your words. I know the power of words. They can be used to create a revolution or to quell a riot. I know you are handcuffed legislatively, but you still have your words and the support of those who stand by you. To guarantee my vote, please take a risk. Not a small risk, like walking out of a debt ceiling meeting, but a huge risk. Stand up in front of the American people (preferably on some popular talk show so people will actually watch) and tell us again what you believe in. There is too much corruption in out government. There is too much hate and intolerance among our people. We have lost sight of that which makes the essence of a great nation – education, compassion and peace. We the people have made you our leader, our voice. If you want to bring tears to my eyes again, you will put reelection aside and use those words again. Tell this country that gay marriage should be legal everywhere – that we do not legislate love. Explain to your people that education and health care should be such a basic human right that they should be included in our Constitution. Show them that under Republican control, the rich get richer and everyone else suffers. Tell them that we need to stop focusing overseas and start working here at home. We are no longer a great nation, we are mediocre and that is not acceptable. Most of all, stop trying to compromise with people who are not willing to meet you half way. You sold out on health care, you are selling out on the debt ceiling. While I understand, I do not agree. You have our support. Fight. If you lose, at least you will know that you went down fighting for what you believe in. I would rather fall fighting for what I believe in, then stand for something I don’t. Mr. President, you have one chance to affect change, use your podium and you will be remembered. Fail and my tears will be born from sadness.
Orbson Rice
Orbson’s Quick Fix: Orbson has come up with a simple way to solve the budget crisis and make everyone happy. Teabaggers, you don’t want to pay taxes. Okay, from now on you don’t have to. Any citizen can opt out of paying taxes. Of course, that means you won’t have access to public schools, health care, Social Security, Medicare, fire and police departments, the Post Office, unemployment insurance, workers compensation, a minimum wage, roads, etc. You win, congratulations!
Orbson Tweets: “I think my Facebook page is run by conservatives. An advertisement for ‘vasectomy services’ keeps popping up.” Check out my Twitter feed at www.twitter.com/orbsonrice
