Progressive Screaming - Get Your Protest On!

The fool shouts and in doing so proudly displays his foolishness. A wise person shouts through his actions and the ripples reverberate through society. Around our great nation the demonstrations and protests are underway. Please remember that it was Gandhi who said, “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” Screaming profanities and insults, or committing acts of violence or vandalism will not change the world for the better. We progressives, who have criticized the conservative right for so long, must not take up their mantle by acting with immaturity and ignorance. We must hold ourselves to a higher standard. We must allow our minds to be in control, and focus our anger towards the goals of progress and positivity.

Progressive Screaming

1. Hey Congressional Democrats, show up to the inauguration. The egomaniac wants the stage all to himself. Deny him. When Trump is asked to take the oath of office, turn your backs to him and sing or chant to demonstrate your dedication to equality and positive change. Wear a sign over your crotch that says “Not for you!” Carry umbrellas with the words “Not ready for Trump’s Golden Age” on the top of them. Then, just as he places his hand on the Lincoln Bible (don’t get me started on using the Bible in a country that isn’t supposed to favor one religion) stand up as one and hand-in-hand walk away singing,

“Get up, stand up: stand up for your rights!
Get up, stand up: stand up for your rights!
Get up, stand up: stand up for your rights!
Get up, stand up: don't give up the fight!” – Bob Marley

2. Speak only the truth. Sometimes the truth can hurt, sometimes the facts do not fall in our favor. We must show our integrity by embracing all truth regardless of personal gain. We MUST STOP sharing memes and articles that are unverified or clickbait especially from liberal sources. Verify your facts before you say them, post them or act on them. Do not give conservatives ammunition because they will use it to fuel their propaganda machine. Support those groups and news agencies that verify facts, speak truthfully and don’t just have flashy titles with little substance. If we are going to look down on Trump supporters’ ignorance we cannot do so while standing on the precipice of a shaky foundation. Eventually we will fall.

3. Remember who the enemy truly is. Attacking individuals is never the solution, attack the ideas. Then, show the country, the world, your own ideas through carefully thought out planning. Have a platform, a goal and a plan of action to achieve that goal. Highlight injustices while simultaneously showing that there exists better solutions for the challenges facing us. Be honest. Remember, when you factor in those of voting age who did not vote, only 26% of the country voted for him. That means 74% did not. Speak to them. Protest to them.

4. Make phone calls. That has been shown to be the most effective form of protest thus far. Have your representatives on speed dial and call them for each and every thing that happens in this new administration that goes against something you believe in. Be intelligent, prepared, sincere and kind. Contact corporations that support the administration and let them know that while you respect their right to their own beliefs you will no longer be spending money with them. Did you know the Koch brothers own Brawny, Quilted Northern and Dixie cups? Learn about the items you buy every month and then adjust accordingly. Find the companies that support your beliefs and invest your dollars in their products. Contact the new company and let them know why you are making the switch. Even one phone call per week from each of us can change the world.

5. Protest like progressives, with your minds. Sing, chant, stand silently, strip naked, but do it peacefully and with purpose. When someone yells at you, calls you names or throws things at you, do not allow yourself to give in to hate. Sing louder. Stand taller. If you see those abuses happen to someone else, rush to their side, take their hand and combine your strength with theirs. Thank the police for offering their protection. Remember most of them are truly wonderful and selfless people. Bring them cookies. If you do see problems, know your rights. Record them, be ready to send the video to news agencies immediately (have them on speed dial), but do not allow yourself to give in to the rage that we are all feeling. Dr. King, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, and You.

“History has its eyes on you.” People are going to be talking about these next years for decades. We are a part of a fundamental shift in the direction this nation is heading and you my friends are on the right side. Be remembered for how you fight. Finally my friends, know this: Whether you are marching in Washington D.C. with hundreds of thousands of people or there are just 5 of you in a small town in Idaho, I will be there standing with you in spirit. I believe in you. Now go out into the world and get your protest on!

Fast Food Worker Refuses to Serve Overweight Customers Citing Religious Beliefs

*SaTiRe*
Are you craving a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese? If so, don’t expect to get one at the McDonald’s location in Whitesville, Alabama where Margaret Wheeler is asserting her religious rights by refusing to serve people she sees as gluttonous. Speaking to reporters Wheeler asserted, “Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins and is an affront to the Lord. I cannot go against his teachings and enable people’s sinful lifestyle. If they order too much food, or look like they should not be eating at all, God commands me to not serve them. Proverbs 23:2 says ‘Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.’ I’m helping these people.”

Just as Rowan County, Kentucky clerk Kim Davis has refused to issue marriage licenses to legally entitled gay citizens citing her religious beliefs, Wheeler has likewise turned away a large number of patrons. However, those who have been denied service are not limited to the obese. “She took out the cookies and some of the fries from our kid’s happy meals” spoke Ned Clanders. “We paid full price and she went in and took it out before handing them to us. She said that our children needed more nourishment from God and less from french fries.”

When asked if she is worried about being fired by the fast food chain she responded, “I answer to God’s law and his law alone. This is a free Christian country and when Jesus wrote the Constitution he did so to protect people like me, the servants of God.”

McDonald’s has yet to make a decision on whether to terminate Wheeler’s employment, stating that “There are legal issues at play in this situation that we must weigh carefully. For the time being, we recommend that visitors to this location may want to consider simply going to a different register.” Of course, there is another issue that Wheeler might want to consider. Gluttony is usually described in relation to food, but it is unlikely anything at McDonald’s could actually be considered “food”, at least in the biblical sense of the term. Thus, this whole issue may be a moot point.





Photo by Jon Bunting 

President Obama Forgets How to Spell ‘Respect’ After Five Long Years of Never Being Given Any

Sadly, President Obama just can’t get any ‘rspect’. After a particularly yummy Taco Tuesday, Thursday the White House decided to host the Women of Soul. Attended by a myriad of outstanding female musicians including Aretha Franklin, Melissa Etheridge, Patti Labelle and others, the event was held to honor the musical contributions of this country’s female artists. Also in attendance was President Obama who addressed the gathering:

"When Aretha first told us what R-S-P-E-C-T meant to her, she had no idea it would become a rallying cry for African Americans, and women, and then everyone who felt marginalized because of what they looked like or who they loved"

The President’s spelling faux pas received chuckles from the audience while reports of the mistake quickly hit the news sites. The networks covered it as thoroughly as the Ukraine crisis though not nearly as in depth as anything Justin Bieber is currently doing. Fox News took digs at the President comparing him to former Vice President Dan Quale and the infamous potato/potatoe gaffe. Even Sarah Palin joined in the mocking of the President saying, “Even I know it is spelled ‘r-s-p-a-c-t’.”

According to Dr. Felix Baumgardner from the Heidelberg Institute of Presidential Psychology, President Obama is likely not to blame for the error: “There is substantial evidence demonstrating that powerful words such as ‘respect’ can be slowly erased from a person’s mind when they do not experience it in their lives. Essentially, they will stop recognizing it as a word.”

Dr. Baumgardner may be right. Since assuming office in January of 2009, President Obama has been shown an infinitesimal amount of respect. He can’t even address the nation without a member of Congress yelling “you lie”. In fact, many Republicans have proclaimed that no matter what policy President Obama puts forth, no matter how good it would be for the country, they would never support it. Clearly, the Rodney Dangerfield of U.S. Presidents had a good reason to forget the ‘e’. Just as Republicans have forgotten that we live in the ‘United’ States of America.

The Orbson in the Woods

One Orbson goes into the woods; “you think you know the story”. Yes, Orbsonites, I actually paid money to go to the theater. There is only one man who could get me to purchase a $12 popcorn, a $6 watered down soda and plop my butt down on an uncomfortably sticky seat for 95 minutes. That man is Joss Whedon. I bow before his greatness. All hail Joss, all hail Joss, all hail Joss.

Sorry about that. If I do not say my three “all hails” Joss will write another great TV show that the Fox Network will run out of order, subjugate it to Friday nights and then cancel it 14 episodes into the first season. Damn, I still miss Firefly. Anyway, last Saturday I went to the movies to see The Cabin in the Woods. I can’t really say anything about it without spoilers, so I will just give my ratings: Netflix: 4 stars, Schoolyard: A-/B+, Buy or Rent: Buy it. The horror genre may be off-putting to some people, however there was definitely more laughs than suspense and even Mrs. Orbson (who dislikes horror movies) enjoyed it.

As for my own personal journey through the woods, my adventure has been fraught with horrific beasts determined to suck out my life force. Or, as you know them, Republicans. Relax, I’m just kidding Republicans. Newt Gingrich could never be considered a “horrific beast”. I mean really, the guy goes to the zoo and a freakin penguin attacks him. Some of the cutest creatures in the zoo take one look at Newt and think “Oh, I am so going to bite this fucker’s fingers off!” Yes Newt, even the penguins hate you.

This really has been an odd news week: Romney and Cookie-gate, Newt and Penguin-gate, the Secret Service and Cheapskate. Speaking of the Secret Service and the not so secret servicing the Secret Service received while they were supposed to be in service to the President who was likely being serviced by his wife…. Oops, sorry lost myself for a moment. My take on this is pretty simple. I get it, you have a pretty stressful job, but you’re supposed to be the SECRET Service. There is nothing secret about 21 prostitutes. Sure, you might have been able to get away with 19, but 21 is just being greedy. Speaking of greedy, pay the women when you’re done. How would you like it if you were plugged at work and then were told you weren’t getting paid? I don’t mind if you relieve your stress by employing a professional stress reliever. But, when you’re done, PAY YOUR PROSTITUTE!

Orbson’s Glued to the TV: So, I caught the first two episodes of Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 and found it absolutely hilarious. If you enjoy raunchy and sarcastic humor, check it out. I have also been revisiting Chuck on DVD. If you have not seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out.

Orbson’s Final Thought: As I write these words, Saturday is now one hour young. I find myself thinking about empty yesterdays and remind myself that Saturday is not yet written. Saturday could be amazing. I can embrace a new experience or savor an old one. I don’t want to look back upon this Saturday and not remember what I did. I want to soar, I want to swim, I want to talk hard and write soft. I want to close Saturday with a sigh, a smile and an orgasm. What do you want your Saturday to be?

Currently Jamming Too:

Civil War 2- Attack of the Stupid

Good morning Orbsonites! As you know, I have been out battling the Stupid. I have spread knowledge to those who are without and preached freedom, tolerance and love to those who live only with hate. Unfortunately, I am failing. I just finished reading the latest news stories; an act which often leaves me feeling depressed. I have come to a realization. We are under attack. Liberals everywhere are being attacked in both large and small ways by the religious conservatives in this country. Readers, you know I enjoy poking fun at conservatives. I have often seen them as that cat who runs full speed into a staircase only to crash headfirst. I laugh and say, “Dumb cat”. I believe the Republican Party is made up of millions of dumb cats. I have joked that the reason religious leaders oppose contraception is because alter boys can’t get pregnant. That the reason Rush Limbaugh would call someone a “slut” is because she, like every other intelligent woman in the world, would never touch him. Yet recently I am starting to see something deeper behind their acts. Something dark. Something evil.

Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.

Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.

Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.

Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.

Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!

Happy Screw With a Republican Day

August 23 is upon us and it’s time for another Orbson holiday. For too long, August has been the forgotten month. Yes, it is National Goat Cheese Month and sure we do get to gaze in awe at the Perseid Meteor Shower, but where’s the holiday? Therefore, I Orbson Rice do hereby proclaim August 23 to be Screw With a Republican Day! As you know, every Orbson holiday gives you certain inalienable rights. You are allowed to blow off work, put off any chores at home and can completely pamper yourself. Oh, and don’t forget the hourly sex games! So grab your favorite goat cheese as we explore the wonders of this most amusing of holidays.

All year long, Republicans are allowed to screw with us. From their insane comments and made-up facts to their desire to make sure their Presidential candidates are verifiably insane. Today, we turn the crazy around. Each Orbson Disciple should celebrate the holiday in a unique and interesting way. However, I wouldn’t be Orbson Rice without a few suggestions to get you thinking. Now each of us knows a Republican. Whether through family, work, or even the occasional friend there is always someone who quotes Sarah Palin and uses the words “those people” in most of their conversations. So, find your nearest Republican and start screwing:

1. Donate money to a liberal organization on their behalf. Imagine the look on avid hunter Uncle Larry’s face when he receives a letter from P.E.T.A. thanking him for his donation. Don’t stop there though, have P.E.T.A. send out donation packs to his hunting buddies saying that good ol’ Larry donated and he thinks they should too.

2. That gas guzzling SUV would look a lot nicer with an “Obama 2012” bumper sticker on the back. Afraid they’ll just rip it off? Get a bunch and keep putting them on and if they ask, just tell them that Jesus made you do it.

3. Good ol’ conservative Aunt Mary likes to send you daily emails talking about the evil Democrats? Time to get back at her. How about signing her email address up to every liberal organization you can think of. Hey, maybe a few hundred liberal emails a day will rub off on her.

4. Your conservative friend is on Facebook? I think it may be time for a few comments on his Wall. “Hey, great to see you at the Dennis Kucinich rally last night.” “Hey, I loved your article about how we should repeal the 2nd Amendment. You’re right, guns are evil.” “Dude, saw you at the gay pride rally last night. Great speech on legalizing gay marriage!”

These are just a few simple ideas to get you started. However, if you really want to screw with a Republican, then I have the perfect recipe for you. Read. Listen. Research. Think. Understand. Be compassionate to someone when you get nothing in return. Pick up litter. Plant a tree. Have amazing sex with whomever you want. The best way to screw with a Republican is using your brain, respecting your planet and treating others well. That is what really screws with Republicans.

So, get out there and have fun celebrating Screw with a Republican Day! Now if you’ll excuse me it is time for another exotic game of Riding the Albino Alpaca Aye. Canadian sex games are always so dirty…



Orbson Tweets: “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” movie? That’s like calling a porn movie “Get Your Hand out of Your Pants”.

Orbson Read What? To Avoid Brain-Eating Amoebas, Hold Your Nose I didn’t read the whole article so just to be safe I’ll be holding my nose 24/7.

Orbson at the Movies: Spy Kids 4 (starring Jessica Alba) will be giving out scratch and sniff cards to audience members so they can smell the action on the screen. I’m not sure how realistic this will be. I think I should smell Jessica Alba just to make sure it’s consistent.