Hello and welcome to today’s episode of Orbson Makes the Movies. Our special guest star is this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly. As I was perusing the latest in entertainment news while gently relieving myself of some very effective Raisin Bran, I came across last week’s box office results. The Top 10 were as follows: The Help, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Spy Kids 4, Conan The Barbarian, Fright Night, The Smurfs, Final Destination 5, 30 Minutes or Less, One Day, and Crazy, Stupid, Love.
The first thing I noticed was how few of these are original. They are: based on book, reboot, sequel, remake, remake, based on cartoon, sequel, original, based on book and original. With only two original content films in the Top 10, clearly Hollywood needs some help coming up with original stories. Of course, Orbson Rice will always help those in need. So, here’s a few Orbson approved movie plotlines. Hollywood, you can have any of these ideas for just a million each:
5. Bloody Whiskers- Zombie bunnies invade a small town during its annual carrot festival. Starring: Hugh Jackmann as the small-town sheriff, Summer Glau as his contortionist girlfriend and Daniel Day-Lewis as Fluffy Whiskerton, the head zombie bunny.
4. Touch My Twinkie – A college student believes he won the lottery when he is given an enchanted Twinkee that makes any woman who touches it instantly aroused. What he doesn’t realize is that the Twinkee was brought to earth by the evil demi-god Hose Tess who plans to use its creamy filling to take over the world.
3. Shindler’s Tweets- When Peter Shindler gets 1,000,000 Twitter followers a wormhole opens up and sucks him back to 1943 Germany where he must use his Tweeting abilities to stop a top secret Nazi facility that trains parakeets to kill.
2. Orbsonism: Tale of the One True God- A documentary chronicling the dramatic rise in popularity of the religion of Orbsonism and its Creator Orbson Rice.
1. Caressing the Big Red Nose- This 3D, animated, romantic, horror movie stars Paris Hilton as an exotic performance artist who falls in love with the disembodied soul of a serial killing circus clown.
What Were They Thinking: Next June, Holland America cruise lines is hosting a weeklong vampire convention on an Alaskan cruise. A vampire ball, costume contest, vampire movie marathon and speaker, Dacre Stoker, the great-grandnephew of Bram Stoker are among the activities. Really? Vampire lovers in Alaska in June? What better way to celebrate the undead, then by going to the land of perpetual sun. Those 18 hour days should really set that spooky mood.
A Narrow Miss: Britney Spears recently stated that if she were not a famous “musician” she would have liked to have been a teacher. Remember this the next time you diss pop music. Definitely the lesser of two evils.
Group I’m Missing
Showing posts with label Spy Kids 4. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spy Kids 4. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Happy Screw With a Republican Day
August 23 is upon us and it’s time for another Orbson holiday. For too long, August has been the forgotten month. Yes, it is National Goat Cheese Month and sure we do get to gaze in awe at the Perseid Meteor Shower, but where’s the holiday? Therefore, I Orbson Rice do hereby proclaim August 23 to be Screw With a Republican Day! As you know, every Orbson holiday gives you certain inalienable rights. You are allowed to blow off work, put off any chores at home and can completely pamper yourself. Oh, and don’t forget the hourly sex games! So grab your favorite goat cheese as we explore the wonders of this most amusing of holidays.
All year long, Republicans are allowed to screw with us. From their insane comments and made-up facts to their desire to make sure their Presidential candidates are verifiably insane. Today, we turn the crazy around. Each Orbson Disciple should celebrate the holiday in a unique and interesting way. However, I wouldn’t be Orbson Rice without a few suggestions to get you thinking. Now each of us knows a Republican. Whether through family, work, or even the occasional friend there is always someone who quotes Sarah Palin and uses the words “those people” in most of their conversations. So, find your nearest Republican and start screwing:
1. Donate money to a liberal organization on their behalf. Imagine the look on avid hunter Uncle Larry’s face when he receives a letter from P.E.T.A. thanking him for his donation. Don’t stop there though, have P.E.T.A. send out donation packs to his hunting buddies saying that good ol’ Larry donated and he thinks they should too.
2. That gas guzzling SUV would look a lot nicer with an “Obama 2012” bumper sticker on the back. Afraid they’ll just rip it off? Get a bunch and keep putting them on and if they ask, just tell them that Jesus made you do it.
3. Good ol’ conservative Aunt Mary likes to send you daily emails talking about the evil Democrats? Time to get back at her. How about signing her email address up to every liberal organization you can think of. Hey, maybe a few hundred liberal emails a day will rub off on her.
4. Your conservative friend is on Facebook? I think it may be time for a few comments on his Wall. “Hey, great to see you at the Dennis Kucinich rally last night.” “Hey, I loved your article about how we should repeal the 2nd Amendment. You’re right, guns are evil.” “Dude, saw you at the gay pride rally last night. Great speech on legalizing gay marriage!”
These are just a few simple ideas to get you started. However, if you really want to screw with a Republican, then I have the perfect recipe for you. Read. Listen. Research. Think. Understand. Be compassionate to someone when you get nothing in return. Pick up litter. Plant a tree. Have amazing sex with whomever you want. The best way to screw with a Republican is using your brain, respecting your planet and treating others well. That is what really screws with Republicans.
So, get out there and have fun celebrating Screw with a Republican Day! Now if you’ll excuse me it is time for another exotic game of Riding the Albino Alpaca Aye. Canadian sex games are always so dirty…
Orbson Tweets: “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” movie? That’s like calling a porn movie “Get Your Hand out of Your Pants”.
Orbson Read What? To Avoid Brain-Eating Amoebas, Hold Your Nose I didn’t read the whole article so just to be safe I’ll be holding my nose 24/7.
Orbson at the Movies: Spy Kids 4 (starring Jessica Alba) will be giving out scratch and sniff cards to audience members so they can smell the action on the screen. I’m not sure how realistic this will be. I think I should smell Jessica Alba just to make sure it’s consistent.
All year long, Republicans are allowed to screw with us. From their insane comments and made-up facts to their desire to make sure their Presidential candidates are verifiably insane. Today, we turn the crazy around. Each Orbson Disciple should celebrate the holiday in a unique and interesting way. However, I wouldn’t be Orbson Rice without a few suggestions to get you thinking. Now each of us knows a Republican. Whether through family, work, or even the occasional friend there is always someone who quotes Sarah Palin and uses the words “those people” in most of their conversations. So, find your nearest Republican and start screwing:
1. Donate money to a liberal organization on their behalf. Imagine the look on avid hunter Uncle Larry’s face when he receives a letter from P.E.T.A. thanking him for his donation. Don’t stop there though, have P.E.T.A. send out donation packs to his hunting buddies saying that good ol’ Larry donated and he thinks they should too.
2. That gas guzzling SUV would look a lot nicer with an “Obama 2012” bumper sticker on the back. Afraid they’ll just rip it off? Get a bunch and keep putting them on and if they ask, just tell them that Jesus made you do it.
3. Good ol’ conservative Aunt Mary likes to send you daily emails talking about the evil Democrats? Time to get back at her. How about signing her email address up to every liberal organization you can think of. Hey, maybe a few hundred liberal emails a day will rub off on her.
4. Your conservative friend is on Facebook? I think it may be time for a few comments on his Wall. “Hey, great to see you at the Dennis Kucinich rally last night.” “Hey, I loved your article about how we should repeal the 2nd Amendment. You’re right, guns are evil.” “Dude, saw you at the gay pride rally last night. Great speech on legalizing gay marriage!”
These are just a few simple ideas to get you started. However, if you really want to screw with a Republican, then I have the perfect recipe for you. Read. Listen. Research. Think. Understand. Be compassionate to someone when you get nothing in return. Pick up litter. Plant a tree. Have amazing sex with whomever you want. The best way to screw with a Republican is using your brain, respecting your planet and treating others well. That is what really screws with Republicans.
So, get out there and have fun celebrating Screw with a Republican Day! Now if you’ll excuse me it is time for another exotic game of Riding the Albino Alpaca Aye. Canadian sex games are always so dirty…
Orbson Tweets: “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” movie? That’s like calling a porn movie “Get Your Hand out of Your Pants”.
Orbson Read What? To Avoid Brain-Eating Amoebas, Hold Your Nose I didn’t read the whole article so just to be safe I’ll be holding my nose 24/7.
Orbson at the Movies: Spy Kids 4 (starring Jessica Alba) will be giving out scratch and sniff cards to audience members so they can smell the action on the screen. I’m not sure how realistic this will be. I think I should smell Jessica Alba just to make sure it’s consistent.
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