Hello and welcome to today’s episode of Orbson Makes the Movies. Our special guest star is this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly. As I was perusing the latest in entertainment news while gently relieving myself of some very effective Raisin Bran, I came across last week’s box office results. The Top 10 were as follows: The Help, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Spy Kids 4, Conan The Barbarian, Fright Night, The Smurfs, Final Destination 5, 30 Minutes or Less, One Day, and Crazy, Stupid, Love.
The first thing I noticed was how few of these are original. They are: based on book, reboot, sequel, remake, remake, based on cartoon, sequel, original, based on book and original. With only two original content films in the Top 10, clearly Hollywood needs some help coming up with original stories. Of course, Orbson Rice will always help those in need. So, here’s a few Orbson approved movie plotlines. Hollywood, you can have any of these ideas for just a million each:
5. Bloody Whiskers- Zombie bunnies invade a small town during its annual carrot festival. Starring: Hugh Jackmann as the small-town sheriff, Summer Glau as his contortionist girlfriend and Daniel Day-Lewis as Fluffy Whiskerton, the head zombie bunny.
4. Touch My Twinkie – A college student believes he won the lottery when he is given an enchanted Twinkee that makes any woman who touches it instantly aroused. What he doesn’t realize is that the Twinkee was brought to earth by the evil demi-god Hose Tess who plans to use its creamy filling to take over the world.
3. Shindler’s Tweets- When Peter Shindler gets 1,000,000 Twitter followers a wormhole opens up and sucks him back to 1943 Germany where he must use his Tweeting abilities to stop a top secret Nazi facility that trains parakeets to kill.
2. Orbsonism: Tale of the One True God- A documentary chronicling the dramatic rise in popularity of the religion of Orbsonism and its Creator Orbson Rice.
1. Caressing the Big Red Nose- This 3D, animated, romantic, horror movie stars Paris Hilton as an exotic performance artist who falls in love with the disembodied soul of a serial killing circus clown.
What Were They Thinking: Next June, Holland America cruise lines is hosting a weeklong vampire convention on an Alaskan cruise. A vampire ball, costume contest, vampire movie marathon and speaker, Dacre Stoker, the great-grandnephew of Bram Stoker are among the activities. Really? Vampire lovers in Alaska in June? What better way to celebrate the undead, then by going to the land of perpetual sun. Those 18 hour days should really set that spooky mood.
A Narrow Miss: Britney Spears recently stated that if she were not a famous “musician” she would have liked to have been a teacher. Remember this the next time you diss pop music. Definitely the lesser of two evils.
Group I’m Missing
Showing posts with label entertainment weekly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label entertainment weekly. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Orbson's Juicy Squirts
Haboob- Okay, I am beginning to think that the weather people are just screwing with me. Supposedly, Arizona has had a rash of “Haboobs”. Purportedly this is Arabic for a sandstorm. Yeah sure and a Hapussy is Swahili for a typhoon. I’m not buying it. Anyway, if this was really true why aren’t the Teabaggers protesting the “illegal Arabic” sand in Arizona?
Super Congress – Really, we want to give more power to a group of people who are incapable of making even the simplest of decisions? Let me get this straight, an evenly divided mix of Republicans and Democrats are going to sit in a room and decide how to spend the nation’s money and where to make cuts. Uhm, wasn’t Congress already supposed to be doing this? Now we need a Super Congress? I already can’t stand watching John Boehner speak. If he starts wearing tights and a cape I may just lose it.
Debt Ceiling In Brief – 12 months of Obama saying we must include revenues in any budget debate. Teabaggers shout obscenities. Obama bends over. Teabaggers get what they wanted, though only 22% actually like the deal. In conclusion, Obama is spineless and the Teabaggers have no idea what the hell they are talking about. Welcome to America, land of the stupid, home of the gutless.
Free Birth Control – Insurance companies must now completely cover birth control. Of course conservatives and their religious nutjob core are vehemently opposed to this. After hearing them lash out, I honestly think that they do not know what birth control actually does. Their take? Birth control actually has a hidden component called “Instaslut”. Anyone who takes it, considers taking it, or even hears about it, will have an uncontrollable urge to fuck and get fucked. One politician went so far as to say that this regulation will destroy a generation. Guess what, I actually agree. Fact: Smart people, people who believe in being prepared and taking precautions take birth control. People like Bristol Palin do not. Result: Too many stupid people in the world, not enough smart people. We need more smart people so let those condoms break, forget that daily pill and let’s start making some smart “accidents”.
The 2nd Moon- Why do I always miss out on the best stuff? There used to be a second moon?! I have not been this disappointed since I clicked on “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” and got “Perez Hilton Sex Tape”.
Star Trek Theme Park: A Star Trek theme park is opening up in Aqaba, Jordan. Yeah, it appears as though King Abdullah II is a trekkie. I am happy to see that that the great culture of the U.S.A. is finally spreading to the Middle East. In related news, Captain Kirk just got me a great deal on Priceline!
Hunger Games – Yes the book was phenomenal. Yes, I am looking forward to the movie. No, I do not need continuous updates from Entertainment Weekly on the selection of a Key Grip for the film. Also, please stop comparing The Hunger Games to Twilight. In 100 years, The Hunger Games will be studied in schools. People won’t even remember the Twilight series.
Your Android Phone Does What- Okay, I get it. Your Android phone was a gift sent down through the heavens to fulfill your every need. GPS, MP3, Skype, Netflix, Apps up the ass, yes I know your phone is awesome and mine is a dinosaur. I’m still not buying one. $30 a month for limited internet access? No wonder this country is in debt. Anyway, my phone works just fine. I put it on vibrate, stick it in my pants and yippee kai yay, I have a sex toy!
The Cloud- Sure, let me put all of my stuff up in cyberspace so that I can access it anywhere. I’m not at all concerned that hacker groups have infiltrated Sony, Bank of America and the U.S. government. I’m sure my music and porn will be safe.
U.S. on EBay – In an effort to raise some much needed money, the U.S.A. will be selling stuff on Ebay. I’ve got a bid in for Rhode Island! Anybody interested in going in with me on Hawaii? I heard you get Michigan free with any purchase.
Garmin GPS- Garmin will be adding Star Wars voices to their line of GPS devices. Sounds like a good idea until you try to get directions from a Wookiee.
Super Congress – Really, we want to give more power to a group of people who are incapable of making even the simplest of decisions? Let me get this straight, an evenly divided mix of Republicans and Democrats are going to sit in a room and decide how to spend the nation’s money and where to make cuts. Uhm, wasn’t Congress already supposed to be doing this? Now we need a Super Congress? I already can’t stand watching John Boehner speak. If he starts wearing tights and a cape I may just lose it.
Debt Ceiling In Brief – 12 months of Obama saying we must include revenues in any budget debate. Teabaggers shout obscenities. Obama bends over. Teabaggers get what they wanted, though only 22% actually like the deal. In conclusion, Obama is spineless and the Teabaggers have no idea what the hell they are talking about. Welcome to America, land of the stupid, home of the gutless.
Free Birth Control – Insurance companies must now completely cover birth control. Of course conservatives and their religious nutjob core are vehemently opposed to this. After hearing them lash out, I honestly think that they do not know what birth control actually does. Their take? Birth control actually has a hidden component called “Instaslut”. Anyone who takes it, considers taking it, or even hears about it, will have an uncontrollable urge to fuck and get fucked. One politician went so far as to say that this regulation will destroy a generation. Guess what, I actually agree. Fact: Smart people, people who believe in being prepared and taking precautions take birth control. People like Bristol Palin do not. Result: Too many stupid people in the world, not enough smart people. We need more smart people so let those condoms break, forget that daily pill and let’s start making some smart “accidents”.
The 2nd Moon- Why do I always miss out on the best stuff? There used to be a second moon?! I have not been this disappointed since I clicked on “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” and got “Perez Hilton Sex Tape”.
Star Trek Theme Park: A Star Trek theme park is opening up in Aqaba, Jordan. Yeah, it appears as though King Abdullah II is a trekkie. I am happy to see that that the great culture of the U.S.A. is finally spreading to the Middle East. In related news, Captain Kirk just got me a great deal on Priceline!
Hunger Games – Yes the book was phenomenal. Yes, I am looking forward to the movie. No, I do not need continuous updates from Entertainment Weekly on the selection of a Key Grip for the film. Also, please stop comparing The Hunger Games to Twilight. In 100 years, The Hunger Games will be studied in schools. People won’t even remember the Twilight series.
Your Android Phone Does What- Okay, I get it. Your Android phone was a gift sent down through the heavens to fulfill your every need. GPS, MP3, Skype, Netflix, Apps up the ass, yes I know your phone is awesome and mine is a dinosaur. I’m still not buying one. $30 a month for limited internet access? No wonder this country is in debt. Anyway, my phone works just fine. I put it on vibrate, stick it in my pants and yippee kai yay, I have a sex toy!
The Cloud- Sure, let me put all of my stuff up in cyberspace so that I can access it anywhere. I’m not at all concerned that hacker groups have infiltrated Sony, Bank of America and the U.S. government. I’m sure my music and porn will be safe.
U.S. on EBay – In an effort to raise some much needed money, the U.S.A. will be selling stuff on Ebay. I’ve got a bid in for Rhode Island! Anybody interested in going in with me on Hawaii? I heard you get Michigan free with any purchase.
Garmin GPS- Garmin will be adding Star Wars voices to their line of GPS devices. Sounds like a good idea until you try to get directions from a Wookiee.
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