Santorum Suggests ‘Hunger Games’ Contest for Illegal Immigrants

Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum caused controversy yesterday when he suggested that a real-life Hunger Games could solve U.S. immigration problems. The Hunger Games, written by Suzanne Collins, is the story of a young girl who is forced by an oppressive government to take part in a televised battle to the death with 23 other “tributes”. The film version of the popular book opens nationwide this Friday. During a recent interview with conservative host Sean Hannity, Santorum spoke at length about the popular series as well as a proposed immigration act which would give 24 contestants the opportunity to earn U.S. Citizenship:

“No, I didn’t care for the books. I think Collins is trying to incite rebellion by portraying Katniss Everdeen as the heroine. Meanwhile, President Snow is painted as an evil dictator. It is the same problem we have in this country. Too many people want handouts and they paint the wealthy as the enemy. The Capitol was not the bad guy. The Districts rebelled because they were Socialists, Communists and Anarchists. They wanted something for nothing. Instead of destroying the Districts, the Capitol was compassionate and created the Hunger Games. The districts were taught the disadvantages of not conforming and the winners of the games were handsomely rewarded. I think we can learn a lot from the Capitol and that is why, as President, I will institute a Hunger Games-like competition to deal with illegal immigration.

The biggest concern regarding illegal immigration is that the majority of those people are either lazy or criminals. Sure, a few could be useful citizens but there needs to be a way to weed the rest out. That’s why I have been working with the Fox Network to create a U.S. version of The Hunger Games. Each season 24 illegal immigrants will be put into an arena and whoever is left standing will be granted citizenship. This event will succeed in finding out who really wants to be a citizen of our great country and who is looking for a free ride. It would generate jobs and bring much needed ad revenue to the Fox Network. Finally, it would mean that there are 23 less illegal immigrants polluting our country. We’ll get them out of our prisons, out of our schools, out of our hospitals and most importantly out of our jobs.”

While the Fox Network refused to comment on the Santorum interview, a pro-Katniss Fox employee faxed over a Winter 2013 Programming Schedule that included the line, “Citizenship Games TBD”.



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Eagle image courtesy of: Purpleslog

Orbson's Juicy Squirts

Haboob- Okay, I am beginning to think that the weather people are just screwing with me. Supposedly, Arizona has had a rash of “Haboobs”. Purportedly this is Arabic for a sandstorm. Yeah sure and a Hapussy is Swahili for a typhoon. I’m not buying it. Anyway, if this was really true why aren’t the Teabaggers protesting the “illegal Arabic” sand in Arizona?

Super Congress – Really, we want to give more power to a group of people who are incapable of making even the simplest of decisions? Let me get this straight, an evenly divided mix of Republicans and Democrats are going to sit in a room and decide how to spend the nation’s money and where to make cuts. Uhm, wasn’t Congress already supposed to be doing this? Now we need a Super Congress? I already can’t stand watching John Boehner speak. If he starts wearing tights and a cape I may just lose it.

Debt Ceiling In Brief – 12 months of Obama saying we must include revenues in any budget debate. Teabaggers shout obscenities. Obama bends over. Teabaggers get what they wanted, though only 22% actually like the deal. In conclusion, Obama is spineless and the Teabaggers have no idea what the hell they are talking about. Welcome to America, land of the stupid, home of the gutless.

Free Birth Control – Insurance companies must now completely cover birth control. Of course conservatives and their religious nutjob core are vehemently opposed to this. After hearing them lash out, I honestly think that they do not know what birth control actually does. Their take? Birth control actually has a hidden component called “Instaslut”. Anyone who takes it, considers taking it, or even hears about it, will have an uncontrollable urge to fuck and get fucked. One politician went so far as to say that this regulation will destroy a generation. Guess what, I actually agree. Fact: Smart people, people who believe in being prepared and taking precautions take birth control. People like Bristol Palin do not. Result: Too many stupid people in the world, not enough smart people. We need more smart people so let those condoms break, forget that daily pill and let’s start making some smart “accidents”.

The 2nd Moon- Why do I always miss out on the best stuff? There used to be a second moon?! I have not been this disappointed since I clicked on “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” and got “Perez Hilton Sex Tape”.

Star Trek Theme Park: A Star Trek theme park is opening up in Aqaba, Jordan. Yeah, it appears as though King Abdullah II is a trekkie. I am happy to see that that the great culture of the U.S.A. is finally spreading to the Middle East. In related news, Captain Kirk just got me a great deal on Priceline!

Hunger Games – Yes the book was phenomenal. Yes, I am looking forward to the movie. No, I do not need continuous updates from Entertainment Weekly on the selection of a Key Grip for the film. Also, please stop comparing The Hunger Games to Twilight. In 100 years, The Hunger Games will be studied in schools. People won’t even remember the Twilight series.

Your Android Phone Does What- Okay, I get it. Your Android phone was a gift sent down through the heavens to fulfill your every need. GPS, MP3, Skype, Netflix, Apps up the ass, yes I know your phone is awesome and mine is a dinosaur. I’m still not buying one. $30 a month for limited internet access? No wonder this country is in debt. Anyway, my phone works just fine. I put it on vibrate, stick it in my pants and yippee kai yay, I have a sex toy!

The Cloud- Sure, let me put all of my stuff up in cyberspace so that I can access it anywhere. I’m not at all concerned that hacker groups have infiltrated Sony, Bank of America and the U.S. government. I’m sure my music and porn will be safe.

U.S. on EBay – In an effort to raise some much needed money, the U.S.A. will be selling stuff on Ebay. I’ve got a bid in for Rhode Island! Anybody interested in going in with me on Hawaii? I heard you get Michigan free with any purchase.

Garmin GPS- Garmin will be adding Star Wars voices to their line of GPS devices. Sounds like a good idea until you try to get directions from a Wookiee.

Bookseller’s Demise Signals Major Victory for Republicans (An Homage to The Onion)

The announcement of the demise of Borders Group sent a jolt of celebration through the Republican Party on Sunday as conservatives watched one of their biggest obstacles fall. Borders, the nation’s second largest bookseller, announced that it will be closing all 399 stores, firing their 10,700 employees and liquidating all of its assets. Considered a huge defeat for the Democratic Party and a possible turning point in the 2012 Presidential Election, Republican’s held celebratory rallies throughout the country. Speaking from outside his plantation, Mississippi Congressman Roy Enbreider expressed his excitement, “Finally, one of the great arms of the liberal monster has been cut off. No longer will the trite nonsense that liberals call facts be spread to the public. Books lead to divisiveness. We must put our faith in the Lord and let him guide us to the truth. Books, science, facts, these are all instruments of the devil, sent here to test our faith. No more! Today we celebrate a huge victory. We have overcome!”

Enbreider and the rest of the Republican Party may be right to celebrate. Leading into the 2008 election, a Gallup Poll found that registered voters with a Post Graduate were significantly more likely to vote for Barrack Obama. On the other hand, voters with only a high school education or less were more likely to vote for John McCain. If this trend continues, it behooves the Republican Party to minimize the amount of education available to the general public. Apparently, the smarter a person is, the less likely they will vote Republican. Certainly, the closing of the second largest bookseller is a positive step in that direction.

Conservatives are not only excited about the lack of education available to the public, but also the diminishing number of “devil books” such as the popular Harry Potter Series and the Hunger Games Trilogy. Evelyn Rothchild, President of “Ban Items that are Toxic to Christian Homes” or B.I.T.C.H. states, “For years we have been burning these instruments of Satan only to find them restocked the very next day. There is no place in a good Christian home for atrocities like magic, fantasy and rebellion. There is no place for ‘Science’, which is a fiction worse than any other. This is a glorious day, for a great evil has been purged. There is still much work to be done, but today we celebrate.”

Of course conservatives are not taking credit for the Borders Group downfall. Political analysts, Avery Wahns Toopad explains, “The Republican Party has essentially won the lottery with the announcement of Border’s demise. Not only do they strike a major victory in the education battle, but they are actually blaming President Obama for the Borders outcome. Of course Obama had nothing to do with it; Borders had ridiculously poor management that was constantly behind the changing technological climate. However, as most Republicans do not have the capacity to decipher the reasons why a company might fail, they simply blame the President.”

As we approach the 2012 Presidential Election, the true fallout of the liquidation of Borders will become apparent. Until then Republican leaders should sleep a little better knowing that the U.S. just got a little dumber.