Santorum Scores ‘6’ on NFL’s Wonderlic Test

Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum made an egregious error yesterday when he accidentally released a completed copy of his Wonderlic Test to the media. The Wonderlic Test is normally used by the National Football League to help determine an athlete’s intelligence level. The top possible score on the test is 50, though the former Senator was only able to manage a six.

According to sources, Santorum was curious about the test after hearing that LSU cornerback Morris Claiborne recently received the surprisingly low score of four. While player information is supposed to remain confidential, this is not the first time a score had been released to the media. In 2006, quarterback Vince Young received a six on the test. Santorum matched Young when he took the timed test on Thursday. He then mistakenly included the results with a series of press releases sent to the Philadelphia Inquirer.

The results of this test have led many to question whether Santorum has the requisite level of intelligence to be President. Among his myriad of mistakes, included the answers that August was the tenth month of the year, 24 x 4 = 64 and that a rectangle has 3 sides. Many conservatives have rushed to defend Santorum. On the Today Show, former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin stated that, “Rick is a smart man. As President you don’t need to be taking no football players’ tests. Gee whiz, we shouldn’t even be talking about this. This is just more propaganda from the elitist liberal media trying to paint true Americans like myself and Rick Santorum as dumb. What we should be talking about is Obama and his socialist regime in Washington.”

The Santorum campaign did not respond to interview requests regarding the incident, but did issue the following statement: “Rick Santorum is in the driver’s seat now. It is half time and in the next period he will shoot a touchdown and score the nomination for President.” What that statement actually refers to could not be determined. For more about the types of questions on the Wonderlic Test, click ESPN.

Article vocabulary helper for our Republican friends:

Egregious- Extraordinarily bad.

Requisite- Required or necessary for a particular purpose.

Myriad- A large number.

Socialism- “1. Any of various economic and political theories advocating collective or governmental ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods. 2a: A system of society or group living in which there is no private property. 2b: A system or condition of society in which the means of production are owned and controlled by the state.” So basically it’s not even close to what you think it means.

Santorum Suggests ‘Hunger Games’ Contest for Illegal Immigrants

Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum caused controversy yesterday when he suggested that a real-life Hunger Games could solve U.S. immigration problems. The Hunger Games, written by Suzanne Collins, is the story of a young girl who is forced by an oppressive government to take part in a televised battle to the death with 23 other “tributes”. The film version of the popular book opens nationwide this Friday. During a recent interview with conservative host Sean Hannity, Santorum spoke at length about the popular series as well as a proposed immigration act which would give 24 contestants the opportunity to earn U.S. Citizenship:

“No, I didn’t care for the books. I think Collins is trying to incite rebellion by portraying Katniss Everdeen as the heroine. Meanwhile, President Snow is painted as an evil dictator. It is the same problem we have in this country. Too many people want handouts and they paint the wealthy as the enemy. The Capitol was not the bad guy. The Districts rebelled because they were Socialists, Communists and Anarchists. They wanted something for nothing. Instead of destroying the Districts, the Capitol was compassionate and created the Hunger Games. The districts were taught the disadvantages of not conforming and the winners of the games were handsomely rewarded. I think we can learn a lot from the Capitol and that is why, as President, I will institute a Hunger Games-like competition to deal with illegal immigration.

The biggest concern regarding illegal immigration is that the majority of those people are either lazy or criminals. Sure, a few could be useful citizens but there needs to be a way to weed the rest out. That’s why I have been working with the Fox Network to create a U.S. version of The Hunger Games. Each season 24 illegal immigrants will be put into an arena and whoever is left standing will be granted citizenship. This event will succeed in finding out who really wants to be a citizen of our great country and who is looking for a free ride. It would generate jobs and bring much needed ad revenue to the Fox Network. Finally, it would mean that there are 23 less illegal immigrants polluting our country. We’ll get them out of our prisons, out of our schools, out of our hospitals and most importantly out of our jobs.”

While the Fox Network refused to comment on the Santorum interview, a pro-Katniss Fox employee faxed over a Winter 2013 Programming Schedule that included the line, “Citizenship Games TBD”.



Read More From Orbson Rice on Free Wood Post:

Grand Canyon to be ‘Filled In’ For Theme Park



Eagle image courtesy of: Purpleslog

Santorum Admitted to Rehab

The stress of Super Tuesday and the on-going battle with Mitt Romney has apparently become too much for Rick Santorum. Sunday evening, Santorum checked himself into Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” Christian counseling clinic. The Minneapolis clinic caused controversy for Bachmann during her brief bid for the Republican nomination. An ABC News investigation revealed a former patient who was advised by clinic administrators that “with prayer and effort, he could eventually learn to be attracted to women and rid himself of his gay urges.”

Santorum’s admission to the “Pray Away the Gay” facility comes as a surprise to many, though looking back, the clues may have been in the headlines:

“Poll: Santorum comes from behind in Alabama three-way”
“Santorum blasts Obama during Cumming rally”
“Santorum Surges With Low-Dollar Model Poised for Iowa Surprise”
“Huntsman Heartened by Santorum’s Rise”
“Rick Santorum runs hard on long final day in Iowa”

A person close to Santorum’s inner circle spoke at length about the Santorum’s decision:

“It was Romney. Mr. Santorum had all of those debates with him and it became too much. He’d wake up in terror after having inappropriate dreams about Mitt. He would just keep repeating, ‘The hair, I can’t stop thinking about running my hands through that beautiful hair.’ Finally, he decided enough was enough and went to get treatment. He’ll be cured, back in no time and after he wins the nomination, Romney won’t be around to tempt him with that beautiful mane.”

When asked whether Santorum might begin to have similar feelings toward President Obama, the source replied, “Oh no, he doesn’t believe in interracial relationships.”

Liberals have publicly denounced Bachmann’s clinic and tend to favor the belief that people can love whomever they choose. Recently, at this writer’s urging, liberals have been opening Pray Away the Stupid Centers across the country. Since conservative leaders generally prefer the masses stay ignorant, liberals hope that introducing the ignorant and intolerant to ideas like reading books and listening to facts could have a tremendous intellectual impact on the country. Until that impact is felt however, the only wood Rick Santorum will likely be sporting will be used to build his new closet.

Read More From Orbson Rice on Free Wood Post:

Grand Canyon to be ‘Filled In’ For Theme Park

Orbson Rice is a deeply disturbed professional Writer and Editor. He is also the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more from the God of Words himself.

Original Artwork by DonkeyHotey

Civil War 2- Attack of the Stupid

Good morning Orbsonites! As you know, I have been out battling the Stupid. I have spread knowledge to those who are without and preached freedom, tolerance and love to those who live only with hate. Unfortunately, I am failing. I just finished reading the latest news stories; an act which often leaves me feeling depressed. I have come to a realization. We are under attack. Liberals everywhere are being attacked in both large and small ways by the religious conservatives in this country. Readers, you know I enjoy poking fun at conservatives. I have often seen them as that cat who runs full speed into a staircase only to crash headfirst. I laugh and say, “Dumb cat”. I believe the Republican Party is made up of millions of dumb cats. I have joked that the reason religious leaders oppose contraception is because alter boys can’t get pregnant. That the reason Rush Limbaugh would call someone a “slut” is because she, like every other intelligent woman in the world, would never touch him. Yet recently I am starting to see something deeper behind their acts. Something dark. Something evil.

Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.

Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.

Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.

Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.

Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!

What the “Fuck” is Wrong with the MPAA?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That is how many times that single word is spoken in the DOCUMENTARY “Bully”. That’s right, six times in the entire film. The MPAA (Motion Picture Ass. of America) feels as though this is deserving of an “R” rating which means that the film’s target audience will not be able to see it without a parent. Everyday kids in this country are tormented and too many parents don’t take this issue seriously. Bullying is detrimental not only to the learning experience but plays a crucial role in how children view themselves. With the advent of social media bullying can seem like a relentless attack leading many children to consider violence or suicide as their only options. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, suicide is the 6th leading cause of death for children between 5-13 years old and the 3rd leading cause of death for those between 14-24 years old. These are among the saddest statistics I’ve ever seen. Every day children have to go to school afraid of what awaits them.

I have not seen “Bully”. I do not know if this DOCUMENTARY will place the spotlight on the issue and show the tormented that they are not alone. Or if it will tell the tormentors that what they are doing is quite simply, evil. What I do know is that it is impossible to walk into a middle school or high school and not hear the word “Fuck”. Should they be using it? No, or at least not as often as they do. Do they say it anyway? Yes. A documentary, viewed by kids, will not be taken seriously if it looks like it came out of High School Musical. Real life is gritty, it is dirty and sometimes it is profane.

Producer, Harvey Weinstein is a self-aggrandizing businessman who has to absolutely love all of the free publicity he is getting from this controversy. However, he is also right. I love movies, but the rating system is representative of the conservative population of this country- people who shout the loudest and whose puritanical views I find reprehensible. My imaginary 13-year-old can go by herself to see a wide array of PG-13 movies that contain tremendous amounts of violence. Don’t believe me? Go rent Pearl Harbor, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Batman Returns, The Dark Knight or War of the Worlds (to name a few). However a DOCUMENTARY that is aimed to teach and help her is deemed inappropriate because of six f-bombs?

I have wanted to write an entry that delves deeper into why our society seems to consider sexuality as a bigger evil than violence. I do not understand. Sexuality is beautiful and natural. Violence, by its very nature is an act of evil. I would be much more inclined to let my imaginary daughter see a movie with nudity than with violence. However, this is neither. This is just six swear words that she probably hears every day at school. Six words that we have spoken about and I have tried to explain my view of them to her. The MPAA’s decision is yet another lesson in morality from those whose craniums have become permanently domiciled in their rectal cavity. So, I will make it easy. Violence is evil. Sex is great. Six “fucks” to help stop the innocent from being hurt? PG.



Orbson Tweets: When the choices are named Romney, Santorum, Paul and Gingrich Tuesdays should never be called “Super”.

An Orbson Discovery: Today's find is amazing!!!!! Kickstarter at www.kickstarter.com. This is a public website where, artists, musicicans, writers and inventors can post projects that need funding. For example,the band Augustine who is trying to produce its first full length album. Fans, followers and people passing by have donated more than $12,000 toward their dream. In exchange they are given everything from autographed CDs ($10 donation) to a private show at your home ($1,000 donation). With this site, everyone wins. Awesome, awesome, awesome idea! Check out an Augustine song below.

Republicans Accuse Victoria’s Secret of Murdering Babies

A teenage boy bursting with angst and urges makes his way to the mailbox. He opens it and his eyes immediately fall on the glossy cover of the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog. Forgetting the rest of the mail he makes his way back to his bedroom, locks the door and begins an act that many deem as perfectly natural. However, with the latest controversy about the “evils” of contraception some now view this act as murder. Every day millions of potential babies end up discarded in tissues at the side of the bed. For what? A few minutes of pleasure? Is Victoria’s Secret unknowingly aiding in baby genocide? This is the question that the recently created House of Representatives Sub Committee on Ejaculatory Expenditures recently investigated.

Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has spearheaded the debate on the evils of contraception. “[Contraception is] not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be within marriage, they are supposed to be … procreative.” Following this logic, it would be easy to conclude that any act of ejaculation not strictly for reproductive purposes could be considered “not okay”. Jack Stroker, Mississippi State Representative and head of the Sub Committee on Ejaculatory Expenditures, made news this week when he released the results of the Committee’s inquiry into the matter. “We took a hands on approach to the issue of masturbation. We realize this is a very sensitive issue to many people, however we ultimately came to the conclusion that masturbation is murder.”

While Stroker pointed to numerous publications, websites and films that contributed to this masturbatory genocide, it was his attack on intimate apparel chain Victoria’s Secret that drew national attention this week. “Porn is evil, we all know that. But it is the hidden porn that I am concerned about. That [Victoria’s Secret] catalog can be received by anyone. There are no regulations concerning its content or who can look at a copy. It really tugs at my heart strings to know that billions of babies are never being given the chance to live because of that catalog.”

For Victoria’s Secret this is a potentially sticky public relations situation. Other companies such as Sports Illustrated with their coveted swimsuit issue are waiting to see who Republicans might take a whack at next. In the meantime, liberal organizations are already mounting rallies in support of Victoria’s Secret and the American right to masturbate. Oregon based group, Society for the Protection of the Rub and Tug or S.P.R.T. is sponsoring an Occupy Hand event. On February 29, they are requesting that all supporters “Rub One Out for Freedom”. Movements like these are popping up all over the country as supporters of Victoria’s Secret take to their bedrooms in protest.

While Stroker’s attack on Victoria’s Secret and the murderous nature of masturbation is currently focused on male masturbation, he also finds the issue of female masturbation troubling. “Pleasure for the sake of pleasure is never a good thing. God created sexuality for one purpose only- reproduction. Anything else is an act of evil. I believe the potential dangers of female masturbation are great.” Hearings before the Sub Committee on Controlling Unnatural Female Urges with begin later this month.

Neurobiologist Proves Rats are More Compassionate than Republicans.

In the December 2011 issue of Science, a study by University of Chicago neurobiologists proved that rats are empathetic creatures with a strong impulse to aid other troubled rats. This study has further strengthened the concept that even rats are more compassionate than Republicans.

The study of rat empathy consisted of a series of experiments in which one rat was free to roam while another was caged. If the free rat applied pressure on the cage it was able to free the captive rodent. Once it learned this result, it consistently freed his neighbor. After further testing it was concluded that,"They freed cagemates even when social contact was prevented. When liberating a cagemate was pitted against chocolate contained within a second restrainer, rats opened both restrainers and typically shared the chocolate. Thus, rats behave pro-socially in response to a conspecific’s distress, providing strong evidence for biological roots of empathically motivated helping behavior.”

The implications of this study have already begun to permeate the public consciousness as Americans look forward to the 2012 elections. Would Mitt Romney free a caged Newt Gingrich? Rick Perry? Would a cage even hold Gingrich if chocolate is involved? We may never know the answers to these questions; however we can use empirical evidence to determine the likely results.

Mitt Romney and Rick Perry come from different parts of the country yet share many conservative ideologies. Both believe that the U.S Constitution should be amended to declare that marriage be defined as a union between a man and a woman. Thus, it could be concluded that both candidates are anti-love. Further, Romney and Perry are both advocates of the death penalty. When asked whether it troubled him that one of the 234 death row inmates in Texas might be innocent Perry replied, “No sir. I’ve never struggled with that at all.” Therefore, while both candidates are anti-love they are both pro-death.

Compassionate acts require three requisite steps: First- the recognition of distress. Second- the desire to help the living being in distress. Third- action to alleviate that distress. Mitt Romney may be unable to differentiate between living and non-living beings as he states, “corporations are people too”. Hence, he may not be able to recognize true distress from a disappointing earnings report. Rick Perry does not have any desire to help those in distress stating “Many homeless have chosen their lifestyle” through years of bad decisions. Finally, being anti-love and pro-death, neither candidate has an inclination to act to help those in distress. Thus it can be concluded that rats are more empathetic than Romney or Perry.

Given that the Romney and Perry are among those chosen by all Republicans to represent them, it could be concluded that all Republicans are less empathetic than rats. If however you need further proof, let’s look at David Crocker the Republican Mayor in South Fulton. Crocker imposed a $75 annual fee for anyone who would like to have the city’s fire department come to their burning home. Last December, firefighters watched as Vicky Bell’s trailer home and all of her possessions went up in flames. For want of $75 a Republican Mayor will watch a person’s home burn. Clearly the people in Fulton would be better off if a rat were in charge.

In conclusion, it must be conceded that rats appear to be significantly more empathetic than Republicans. When presented with this evidence, Republicans vilified rats as “socialist” and “anti-American”. The question still remains, in order to win in 2012, Republicans may need to “rat up”.

2012: The Year of the Orb Part II

Welcome to Part 2. This time the Ipod is put away and Netflix is running in the background. What am I watching? How I Met Your Mother. A truly quotastic show (at least in the first few seasons).

July: Twenty straight days of 100-degree weather. I have taken to putting my pillow into the freezer before going to bed. It only helps a little. Two good things come out of July though: First, I have lost fifteen pounds in sweat weight. Second, I purchase tickets to see The Book of Mormon musical in Portland. All in all, a pretty good month. ("It's gonna be legen — wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DARY!")

August: Yes, it is finally going to happen. I will be traveling to another country. No, not Canada. I was raised in Detroit which essentially makes me 50% Canadian eh. This August I will travel across the Atlantic with Mrs. Orbson and a few friends and explore Northern Europe. Hmmm, another new resolution- MAKE THIS HAPPEN! (“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda!”)

September: I have fallen in love with Europe and refuse to leave. We now live in Norway and I have changed my name to Magnus Orbson Rice. This is likely a result of the upcoming election and my fear that Republicans will soon control the federal government. (“That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.”)

October: I am back in the States. I finished my book and my agent and publisher are insisting I travel the country to promote it. I agree, particularly since I’m also producing the movie version of the book. The tour goes well, 30% of the people love it, 30% of the people burn it and 40% don’t know how to read. (“In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.”)

November: I have moved back to Europe. The Republicans have won a narrow victory and Rick Santorum is now President. I cannot live in a country that would elect Rick Santorum as President. Still, November is a great month because it’s Mrs. Orbson’s birthday month and the celebration dulls the pain back home. (“When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.”)

December: Recount! Surprise, the Republicans cheated. I’m back home in the States but my #1 status on the NYT bestseller list means I get to keep a house in Norway…and Ireland…and Iceland… and Winnipeg. As the year comes to a close I can look back and smile. I made this one count. (“Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”)

2012 is going to be a remarkable year. Why? Because, 2012 is unique. We have one chance to make it spectacular and when it’s gone we can never get it back. On December 31, I don’t want to look back and wonder what happened to the year. So I’m throwing out my resolutions and taking the advice of one Barney Stinson and focus on being “Awesome” for the next 360 days.