Santorum Admitted to Rehab

The stress of Super Tuesday and the on-going battle with Mitt Romney has apparently become too much for Rick Santorum. Sunday evening, Santorum checked himself into Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” Christian counseling clinic. The Minneapolis clinic caused controversy for Bachmann during her brief bid for the Republican nomination. An ABC News investigation revealed a former patient who was advised by clinic administrators that “with prayer and effort, he could eventually learn to be attracted to women and rid himself of his gay urges.”

Santorum’s admission to the “Pray Away the Gay” facility comes as a surprise to many, though looking back, the clues may have been in the headlines:

“Poll: Santorum comes from behind in Alabama three-way”
“Santorum blasts Obama during Cumming rally”
“Santorum Surges With Low-Dollar Model Poised for Iowa Surprise”
“Huntsman Heartened by Santorum’s Rise”
“Rick Santorum runs hard on long final day in Iowa”

A person close to Santorum’s inner circle spoke at length about the Santorum’s decision:

“It was Romney. Mr. Santorum had all of those debates with him and it became too much. He’d wake up in terror after having inappropriate dreams about Mitt. He would just keep repeating, ‘The hair, I can’t stop thinking about running my hands through that beautiful hair.’ Finally, he decided enough was enough and went to get treatment. He’ll be cured, back in no time and after he wins the nomination, Romney won’t be around to tempt him with that beautiful mane.”

When asked whether Santorum might begin to have similar feelings toward President Obama, the source replied, “Oh no, he doesn’t believe in interracial relationships.”

Liberals have publicly denounced Bachmann’s clinic and tend to favor the belief that people can love whomever they choose. Recently, at this writer’s urging, liberals have been opening Pray Away the Stupid Centers across the country. Since conservative leaders generally prefer the masses stay ignorant, liberals hope that introducing the ignorant and intolerant to ideas like reading books and listening to facts could have a tremendous intellectual impact on the country. Until that impact is felt however, the only wood Rick Santorum will likely be sporting will be used to build his new closet.

Read More From Orbson Rice on Free Wood Post:

Grand Canyon to be ‘Filled In’ For Theme Park

Orbson Rice is a deeply disturbed professional Writer and Editor. He is also the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more from the God of Words himself.

Original Artwork by DonkeyHotey

Pray Away the Stupid: The First Prayer of Orbson

Praise my name! Orbsonism is spreading. As the great words of Orbson permeate the public consciousness, we are seeing a massive migration of beliefs. As Orbsonism grows, so does the message. Today, I am honored to share with you the First Prayer of Orbson. Ah, my disciples, it is time to open your hearts, free your minds and prepare for a brain-smack from The God of Words himself.

Many poor, uneducated and misguided Christians believe that you can “pray away the gay.” Republican presidential candidate, Michelle Bachmann even owns a Christian counseling clinic which recently told a gay man that, “with prayer and effort, he could eventually learn to be attracted to women and rid himself of his gay urges.” Of course Orbson will not stand idly by as these sad, ignorant sheep are misled by that false religion.

Knowing he would be interested, I spoke at length with Jesus about this particular problem. “Orbson”, he said, “Really? Bachmann again? That annoying hag has been a pain in my ass for years. Look, you’re in charge now so it’s your call. Smite her good for all I care. I’ve had enough. I don’t care if someone is gay. Hey, I even like to partake in the sausage from time to time. Seriously, what are those people thinking. Love and tolerance. What is so fucking hard about that!”

I thought long and hard about his words and what I should do about the Bachmann/Christian conundrum. I spoke with the other deities, did extensive research on stupid people and searched my soul for the right answer. Of course, the 5th Tenet of Orbsonism forbids violence for this type of problem. Anyway, it wasn’t violence that was needed, it was intelligence. Epiphany! The First Prayer of Orbson. Orbsonism embraces loving and respecting the individual, so there will be none of that chanting zombies on Sunday foolishness. Orbsonites create their own unique prayers in whatever form they desire. I shall give you the essence of the First Prayer of Orbson:

Oh, Orbsonites of the World read my words. The greatest threat to mankind comes not from any one person, but the ignorance of the many. For too long, that ignorance has grown unchecked, like weeds suffocating flowers. Oh, Orbsonites, my flowers, I ask you to place one hand upon your genitalia and reach the other toward the sky and pray to Orbson, God of Words. Orbsonites, it is time to Pray Away the Stupid!

Of course Orbsonites know that a true prayer only has power when you take action after the prayer. I suggest opening Pray Away the Stupid Centers across the land. You may want to focus on the southern states first since they seem to have the greatest need. Introducing the ignorant to ideas like reading books and listening to facts should have a tremendous intellectual impact on the masses. You will likely meet with significant opposition, particularly from conservative leaders who would prefer the masses stay ignorant. Do not despair Orbsonites. You are smarter, you are stronger and you have The God of Words believing in you. Keep working and you shall overcome!

As I take my leave of you, know this: Orbsonism, the one true religion, celebrates you as an individual. Gay, straight, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, llama, Peruvian or any other ethnicity or orientation. Orbson loves you because you are unique. Don’t let the ignorance and hate of others bring you down. Let my love and the love of fellow Orbsonites lift you up. You are precious to the world and we will intellectually bitch-slap anyone who thinks otherwise.