We have all heard of “Catholic Guilt”. You know, that feeling you get after a particularly satisfying sexual encounter. The next thing you know, you suddenly feel exceptionally guilty for having “sinned”. Luckily Orbsonism is free of that gobbledygook. In fact, copulation is a highly recommended activity. However, lately I have been feeling a different kind of guilt. One that is not related to sex, but the little decisions I make every day. I believe I may be experiencing “Liberal Guilt”.
My experience began with a simple decision. I chose to go out to eat instead of making dinner at home. We decided on a small pizza place where we ordered a specialty pizza, cheesebread (because you gotta have cheesebread) and a couple of iced teas. The total cost was about $30. As I was paying the bill, I suddenly had a strong feeling of guilt. Suddenly, my $30 night out seemed gluttonous. Ever since, whenever I eat out I think about all of the people who are going hungry in the world and how that $30 could probably feed them for a week. Of course I still do it, but now I feel guilty.
If this was a one-time occurrence, I could probably get over it. However the guilt is having a Sword of Damocles effect. I feel guilty for shopping at Walmart instead of a local family-owned grocery store. I’m cheap. The same bread I buy at Walmart for $2 is $4.29 elsewhere. I probably save 60% or more by shopping at the most evil of all grocery stores. Fiscally, it is a smart choice, but still I feel the shame. The guilt just keeps adding every time I drink from a plastic water bottle, don’t recycle the peanut butter jar because it’s a pain to clean or choose the fancy iced tea in the store.
The answer to this conundrum eludes me. I could diet on Ramen Noodles and donate every spare penny to charities but let’s face it, I am not THAT liberal. Sometimes I think it must be nice to be a Republican. If you don’t care about anyone but yourself, then you can do whatever you want without consequence. Of course that pesky religion thing means they’ll never get laid. Yes, we liberals definitely have the better end of that deal. So I’ll eat my pizza, drink my tea, let little Orbson out to play and keep trying to attack policies that eliminate jobs and create poverty. That’s right Republicans, I’m coming after you.
Orbson’s Boycotting Barnes & Noble: I ordered a HP Touchpad, I got a confirmation and my credit card was charged. Two days later I get an email saying “oops, so sorry we don’t have any”. I was refunded but I want my Touchpad. How do you oversell inventory? Simple business principle, I have 100 to sell, I don’t sell 20,000! I heard a rumor that B&N left the link on so that they could collect user information for free. I dismissed this as another conspiracy theory. Next day, they sent me 3 emails! In response, I am boycotting B&N for 1 year. Of course, I buy my books at Costco and Amazon, but still, I won’t sit in their chairs while reading their magazines for a year. So there!
Orbson on Sookie: As I watched Bill and Alcide stand over a dying Sookie on last weekend’s episode of True Blood, I found myself thinking, “Quick, clap your hands really fast and say ‘I do believe in fairies! I do believe in fairies!”
Showing posts with label Orbsonism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Orbsonism. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
♫Now That God is Orbson Rice♫
Saturday, Texas Governor Rick Perry met with over 30,000 people at Houston’s Reliant Stadium in an all day “prayer-a-palooza” in which he and the participants prayed to God Almighty to fix the many problems plaguing the U.S. This is bloody brilliant. Forget about actually working to solve the problems, now we can just wait for a response. You know what I don’t underst… Hey Orbsonites, I have a visitor! It’s God! Hey girlfriend, how have you been?
God: Orbson, God of Words, it's truly an honor to be in your presense.
Orbson: Oh stop it God, you’re making me blush.
God: Orbson, if you’re not too busy battling the Stupid, I really need your help.
Orbson: Of course God, for you anything!
God: Well, this past weekend my prayer inbox got bombarded by a bunch of redneck Christian in-breeders from Texas. Do you know anything about that?
Orbson: Yeah, the Governor down there held a prayer rally. They were praying for your help to solve all of our nation’s problems.
God: Really? That’s what they wanted? All their messages said stuff like this “dere God, peaze be helpin us bee fitsfullee renposibel. Fixin are conomee peaze.” What the hell was I supposed to do with that?
Orbson: Trust me I know, I see it every day. So, what can I do to help you out?
God: Well obviously I am not going to waive my magic Buffalo Penis and make all of the problems go away. I gave them a brain and free will, so this shit is their responsibility to fix. Look, I usually just ignore morons like these but this time I’m really concerned. The Republicans have severely fucked things up in that country of yours and I am afraid the smart people, like your Disciples, will suffer if I don’t take action.
Orbson: So what are you thinking?
God: I am giving the rednecks what they want. The other deities speak very fondly of your work against the Stupid, so I am promoting you and asking you to oversee them from here on out. Henceforth you shall be known as Orbson Rice, Supreme God of Words, God of Common Sense, Master of Intelligence, Grand Master of Awesomosity and the Preeminent Being of Goodness.
Orbson: Thanks, it is always nice to see my efforts appreciated.
God: This puts you on the same deity level as me. Do me a favor though and don’t tell Buddha for a couple of days. He has been really on edge lately- something about a killer robot piñata being stuck in his ass.
Orbson: Of course, no problem. So how do I convince the crazy Christians down in Texas that you have made me their God? They might not believe me.
God: They will now. Just publish these words on the Orbson Oracle and if they truly believe in me they must follow everything you say. Otherwise they are committing the greatest of all sins and will live for eternity in Hell.
Orbson: Alright, I’ll give it a try, but you owe me one.
God: I owe you thousands, thanks Orbson. You rock! Okay here is my message. “People of Texas, I am your God. I have heard your pleas and being ever merciful, I am sending you my greatest friend and most trusted advisor, Orbson Rice. If you truly believe in me, if you truly follow my teachings then you must obey Orbson Rice. Only then, will you reach the Promised Land. I, God, pronounce that the one true religion is Orbsonism. Follow him, trust in him, believe in him and never question his benevolence.
Orbson: Thanks God, I’ll take it from here. See you at next week’s game.
Orbson: People of Texas, I am Orbson Rice. I have been touched by God who came to me in the shape of a deformed Twinkie. She spoke to me of your prayers and gifted me with powers beyond your imagination. I will answer your prayers and lead you out of despair and down the Mystical Path of Light to reach your inner Orbson. To prove yourselves worthy you must complete four tasks.
First, you must read every one of my writings on the Orbson Oracle. They shall be your guidelines for all future actions. If you have difficulty understanding the big words, ask a Democrat to help you. Second, you must renounce all false idols such as the crucifix, the church, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News and of course all Republicans. Third, you must connect with one another in a public place, preferably a park. Here you will enjoy the Gift of Nature that God and Orbson have given you. You will pair up (groups are fine) and have wild donkey sex. Do this for as long as it takes to Cum the Christian out of you. Finally, you must send two checks in the mail. The first will be to the U.S. Treasury in the amount of 5% of your take home paycheck. The second will be sent to Orbson Rice in whatever amount you deem fit for your God. Remembering of course that I have a key vote in whether you go to Heaven and receive the Key to the Door of Eternal Orgasms. You will send these checks once a month until I tell you to stop.
People of Texas, you have read the evidence yourselves. You have prayed to your God and your God has answered. She has made me her vessel - her voice on Earth. Now is the time to truly embrace your faith by embracing Orbsonism. If you question my divinity, then you are questioning God herself. Do not let your faith falter. Place one hand on your genitalia and raise one to the sky and pray to Orbson. If you follow, I will lead. If you stray, well I have seen Hell and believe it or not, it’s a lot worse than Dallas. Finally, if you so much as think of nailing me to a cross, I will bitch-slap you.
God: Orbson, God of Words, it's truly an honor to be in your presense.
Orbson: Oh stop it God, you’re making me blush.
God: Orbson, if you’re not too busy battling the Stupid, I really need your help.
Orbson: Of course God, for you anything!
God: Well, this past weekend my prayer inbox got bombarded by a bunch of redneck Christian in-breeders from Texas. Do you know anything about that?
Orbson: Yeah, the Governor down there held a prayer rally. They were praying for your help to solve all of our nation’s problems.
God: Really? That’s what they wanted? All their messages said stuff like this “dere God, peaze be helpin us bee fitsfullee renposibel. Fixin are conomee peaze.” What the hell was I supposed to do with that?
Orbson: Trust me I know, I see it every day. So, what can I do to help you out?
God: Well obviously I am not going to waive my magic Buffalo Penis and make all of the problems go away. I gave them a brain and free will, so this shit is their responsibility to fix. Look, I usually just ignore morons like these but this time I’m really concerned. The Republicans have severely fucked things up in that country of yours and I am afraid the smart people, like your Disciples, will suffer if I don’t take action.
Orbson: So what are you thinking?
God: I am giving the rednecks what they want. The other deities speak very fondly of your work against the Stupid, so I am promoting you and asking you to oversee them from here on out. Henceforth you shall be known as Orbson Rice, Supreme God of Words, God of Common Sense, Master of Intelligence, Grand Master of Awesomosity and the Preeminent Being of Goodness.
Orbson: Thanks, it is always nice to see my efforts appreciated.
God: This puts you on the same deity level as me. Do me a favor though and don’t tell Buddha for a couple of days. He has been really on edge lately- something about a killer robot piñata being stuck in his ass.
Orbson: Of course, no problem. So how do I convince the crazy Christians down in Texas that you have made me their God? They might not believe me.
God: They will now. Just publish these words on the Orbson Oracle and if they truly believe in me they must follow everything you say. Otherwise they are committing the greatest of all sins and will live for eternity in Hell.
Orbson: Alright, I’ll give it a try, but you owe me one.
God: I owe you thousands, thanks Orbson. You rock! Okay here is my message. “People of Texas, I am your God. I have heard your pleas and being ever merciful, I am sending you my greatest friend and most trusted advisor, Orbson Rice. If you truly believe in me, if you truly follow my teachings then you must obey Orbson Rice. Only then, will you reach the Promised Land. I, God, pronounce that the one true religion is Orbsonism. Follow him, trust in him, believe in him and never question his benevolence.
Orbson: Thanks God, I’ll take it from here. See you at next week’s game.
Orbson: People of Texas, I am Orbson Rice. I have been touched by God who came to me in the shape of a deformed Twinkie. She spoke to me of your prayers and gifted me with powers beyond your imagination. I will answer your prayers and lead you out of despair and down the Mystical Path of Light to reach your inner Orbson. To prove yourselves worthy you must complete four tasks.
First, you must read every one of my writings on the Orbson Oracle. They shall be your guidelines for all future actions. If you have difficulty understanding the big words, ask a Democrat to help you. Second, you must renounce all false idols such as the crucifix, the church, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News and of course all Republicans. Third, you must connect with one another in a public place, preferably a park. Here you will enjoy the Gift of Nature that God and Orbson have given you. You will pair up (groups are fine) and have wild donkey sex. Do this for as long as it takes to Cum the Christian out of you. Finally, you must send two checks in the mail. The first will be to the U.S. Treasury in the amount of 5% of your take home paycheck. The second will be sent to Orbson Rice in whatever amount you deem fit for your God. Remembering of course that I have a key vote in whether you go to Heaven and receive the Key to the Door of Eternal Orgasms. You will send these checks once a month until I tell you to stop.
People of Texas, you have read the evidence yourselves. You have prayed to your God and your God has answered. She has made me her vessel - her voice on Earth. Now is the time to truly embrace your faith by embracing Orbsonism. If you question my divinity, then you are questioning God herself. Do not let your faith falter. Place one hand on your genitalia and raise one to the sky and pray to Orbson. If you follow, I will lead. If you stray, well I have seen Hell and believe it or not, it’s a lot worse than Dallas. Finally, if you so much as think of nailing me to a cross, I will bitch-slap you.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Trapped in Piñata Hell
Dear Orbsonites,
I fear that I may not have long to write. At approximately 1:45 A.M. I went to investigate a disturbing humming noise coming from the staircase of my apartment complex. Outside my door I found a legion of killer robot piñatas. I believe they have been sent to assassinate me. I have contacted my deity friends and they are on their way. I can only hope that they get here in time. I love being the God of Words, but at times like this it would've been useful to be the God of Ass-Kicking.
Earlier this week, I published a story about a secret army of killer robot piñatas. Within hours it became the most read Orbson story ever. Readers from N.P.R. and the Huffington Post swarmed this blog as word of my harrowing tale in Montana spread. I have been identified, I have been targeted.
If these are my final words to you, dear readers, I would like to leave you with one final gift. Ever since my discoveries in Montana, I have been secretly training an army of llamas to fight the piñatas and their Teabagger leaders. I was able to successfully breed the llamas with Arizona Diamondback rattlesnakes. The llamas now spit a very toxic poison that is corrosive to the piñatas. My soldiers are located on a small farm in eastern Oregon. I have encoded the exact location in the following haiku:
Grasping with left hand
Of Rachel Bilson I dream
I ejaculate.
Translate the code, find the llamas and avenge me! Wait, what is that? They're here! The deities have come to rescue me. I'll be right back....
Whew, the battle is over. Buddha sat on half of the piñatas and the Flying Spaghetti Monster took care of the rest. I am saved and the Orbson Oracle will live on. However, it is clear, the war against the Stupid has begun. The deities invited me to a party at the Playboy Mansion, so I'll be out of touch for a couple of days. Have a great weekend and always keep an eye out for the Stupid. They're everywhere.
Currently Jamming To:
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Dear Canada, May I Come In?
Dear Good People of Canada,
Hello, my name is Orbson Rice. I am writing to you today to ask for your help. Over the past 13 years my country, the United States of America, has went from a solid leader in the world to a bankrupt and incompetent nation. I am seeking asylum in your great country. I believe that my personal safety is at risk as seemingly infinite waves of Stupid infect the nation. I fear that I may already be succumbing to the Stupid. Last week I found myself watching the television show “Love in the Wild” and without thinking, programmed my DVR to record the next episode. I am ashamed. Please grant me asylum and allow me escape. Otherwise, I fear I may stop reading, stop watching CNN and Orbson forbid, may even join the Tea Party. That would be a fate worse than death. If given the opportunity, I believe I will be a tremendous asset to your great nation.
Over the past 6 months I have put myself through the rigorous “I Wanna be a Canadian Eh” (see I even spelled "eh" correctly) training program. I have learned to pilot a Zamboni, I have seen Canadian Bacon 17 times and having grown up in Detroit I know what a “blue line” and “icing” are. I also promise to leave my rude and obnoxious U.S. behavior here in the States and embrace your concept of “being nice to each other”. While this may be an adjustment for me at first, I am sure that with time I will be able to embrace the idea of “friendly”. Finally, I swear to Orbson that if I am allowed entry into your great country I will no longer mock the noble sport of curling. In fact, I will even grab a broom and try it out myself.
Oh Canada, who was recently named the second happiest country in the world*, please let this Orbson in. With your wild ideas of education (87% have a high school degree or more), high literacy, low crime and the second best reported overall health in the world, I believe you are just what this Orbson needs.
Sincerely,
Orbson Rice
*http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43287918/ns/business-world_business/
Currently Trending On? Reruns of Mythbusters! This is the type of show that should be on during primetime. Educational, loads of fun and lots of things blowing up!
Yo Assholes Did What? I’m sorry, did I hear someone say the words “Super Congress” Oh, this is not going to end well…
Reflections of Orbsonism: Take care of your home, then your neighborhood, then your city, then your state, then your country, then other countries. Take care of your planet always. Now ask yourself- have you made it outside of your home yet?
Currently Jamming To:
Hello, my name is Orbson Rice. I am writing to you today to ask for your help. Over the past 13 years my country, the United States of America, has went from a solid leader in the world to a bankrupt and incompetent nation. I am seeking asylum in your great country. I believe that my personal safety is at risk as seemingly infinite waves of Stupid infect the nation. I fear that I may already be succumbing to the Stupid. Last week I found myself watching the television show “Love in the Wild” and without thinking, programmed my DVR to record the next episode. I am ashamed. Please grant me asylum and allow me escape. Otherwise, I fear I may stop reading, stop watching CNN and Orbson forbid, may even join the Tea Party. That would be a fate worse than death. If given the opportunity, I believe I will be a tremendous asset to your great nation.
Over the past 6 months I have put myself through the rigorous “I Wanna be a Canadian Eh” (see I even spelled "eh" correctly) training program. I have learned to pilot a Zamboni, I have seen Canadian Bacon 17 times and having grown up in Detroit I know what a “blue line” and “icing” are. I also promise to leave my rude and obnoxious U.S. behavior here in the States and embrace your concept of “being nice to each other”. While this may be an adjustment for me at first, I am sure that with time I will be able to embrace the idea of “friendly”. Finally, I swear to Orbson that if I am allowed entry into your great country I will no longer mock the noble sport of curling. In fact, I will even grab a broom and try it out myself.
Oh Canada, who was recently named the second happiest country in the world*, please let this Orbson in. With your wild ideas of education (87% have a high school degree or more), high literacy, low crime and the second best reported overall health in the world, I believe you are just what this Orbson needs.
Sincerely,
Orbson Rice
*http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43287918/ns/business-world_business/
Currently Trending On? Reruns of Mythbusters! This is the type of show that should be on during primetime. Educational, loads of fun and lots of things blowing up!
Yo Assholes Did What? I’m sorry, did I hear someone say the words “Super Congress” Oh, this is not going to end well…
Reflections of Orbsonism: Take care of your home, then your neighborhood, then your city, then your state, then your country, then other countries. Take care of your planet always. Now ask yourself- have you made it outside of your home yet?
Currently Jamming To:
Friday, July 29, 2011
Orbson Exposed
Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Orbson Exposed. Today our special guest star is none other than The God of Words himself, Orbson Rice. Good evening Orbson, thank you for joining me.
Orbson: Thank you Voice in My Head, it’s always a pleasure.
Voice: Orbson, your latest venture, The Orbson Oracle, has been a tremendous success. How has your newfound celebrity impacted your daily life?
Orbson: Wow, it really has been a wild ride these last few weeks. I went from having zero disciples to having five! It’s getting to the point that I can’t look into a mirror without having someone yell “Hey, it’s Orbson!” I appreciate the support but it’s a little off-putting.
Voice: Our readers would love to hear your take on the world of entertainment. You game?
Orbson: Absolutely.
Voice: Great! First question, 3D movies, pro or con?
Orbson: Pro, but only a little. Look, Harry Potter is fine, but I don’t need to see The Notebook in three dimensions. It was painful enough in two. On the other hand, where the heck is the 3D porn? Are they worried about sticky glasses?
Voice: What are you watching on TV these days?
Orbson: There are some awesome shows this summer! The USA Network is amazing with Burn Notice, White Collar, Covert Affairs and Royal Pains. Of course, HBO’s True Blood is like a visit to the dark side of my brain, so I’m all over that. Falling Skies has also been a pleasant surprise. Summer programming is so much better than fall network programming. However, I’m really looking forward to The Big Bang Theory and The Walking Dead.
Voice: See any good movies lately?
Orbson: Nothing orgasmic. I’m too cheap to go to the theater so I have not seen the summer “blockbusters”. I’m a Netflix guy, though I do think that DVDs and Blu-Rays need to have a “jump to sex scene” button. I don’t need to watch Black Swan again but I definitely need to see the Mila Kunis-Natalie Portman cunnilingus scene a few dozen more times.
Voice: Did you make it to Comic-Con this year?
Orbson: Unfortunately I didn’t. My Illyria costume turned our more teal than blue so I decided to stay home. If anyone out there knows what I’m talking about, I bow before your greatness. If not, for shame. It’s time you learned about the awesomeness that is Joss Whedon. Next year I plan to be there to promote the release of my graphic novel “Orbson, God of Words”.
Voice: Your own graphic novel, that is awesome! What will it be about?
Orbson: It’s an autobiographical effort chronicling my efforts to stop the evil spread of stupid people. I use the magic in my Tome of Orbson to whack some knowledge into the ignorant. There will also be an Xbox 360 game that is kind of a cross between Left 4 Dead and Viva Pinata.
Voice: That will certainly be the hit of Comic-Con 2012! Could you give my readers some hints about the future of Orbson’s Oracle?
Orbson: Well I never know what’ll spurt out of this head next, but I can guarantee it will keep coming until I either give up or I succeed in ridding the world of stupid people. If I were you, I’d expect even more explosive political rants, some general craziness and more enlightenment from the greatest religion ever –Orbsonism.
Voice: What do you say to people that think you’re a little too crazy?
Orbson: I’d say… I’d say that everyone lives in their own little shell. Society, co-workers, our family, our friends add layer upon layer to the shell. But we add the thickest layers ourselves. Before you know it, what you represent to the world is only a dim reflection of who you really are. I’m tired of living in that shell and I write to break out. I think it’s time to embrace the crazy, lift your freak flag and raise your middle finger to anyone who dares judge you. This world would be a lot more fun if everyone exposed themselves.
Voice: Well, I for one can’t wait to see what you’ll come up with next. Thank you for joining us today.
Orbson: Of course! Tell the other voices I said hi.
Orbson’s Daily Diatribe: A lesbian woman, visiting the Dollywood theme park, was told that she could not enter the park unless she turned her t-shirt inside out. The reason? The t-shirt said “marriage is so gay” which was deemed “offensive” by Dollywood personnel. Offensive?! Really? I shouldn’t be surprised since we are talking about Tennessee, but seriously, this is not offensive. If I wore a t-shirt saying “I’d rather shoot my load than shoot a gun.” That might be offensive. True, but offensive. So, Orbson is officially boycotting Dollywood until they admit they were stupid. Hmmm, I may need a boycott blog. I already boycott Chick-Fil-A for anti-homosexual actions and Fox News because they’re idiots. I think a full blog on the topic might be in order. If anyone has any other companies to throw in the mix, let me know.
Currently Jamming to:
Orbson: Thank you Voice in My Head, it’s always a pleasure.
Voice: Orbson, your latest venture, The Orbson Oracle, has been a tremendous success. How has your newfound celebrity impacted your daily life?
Orbson: Wow, it really has been a wild ride these last few weeks. I went from having zero disciples to having five! It’s getting to the point that I can’t look into a mirror without having someone yell “Hey, it’s Orbson!” I appreciate the support but it’s a little off-putting.
Voice: Our readers would love to hear your take on the world of entertainment. You game?
Orbson: Absolutely.
Voice: Great! First question, 3D movies, pro or con?
Orbson: Pro, but only a little. Look, Harry Potter is fine, but I don’t need to see The Notebook in three dimensions. It was painful enough in two. On the other hand, where the heck is the 3D porn? Are they worried about sticky glasses?
Voice: What are you watching on TV these days?
Orbson: There are some awesome shows this summer! The USA Network is amazing with Burn Notice, White Collar, Covert Affairs and Royal Pains. Of course, HBO’s True Blood is like a visit to the dark side of my brain, so I’m all over that. Falling Skies has also been a pleasant surprise. Summer programming is so much better than fall network programming. However, I’m really looking forward to The Big Bang Theory and The Walking Dead.
Voice: See any good movies lately?
Orbson: Nothing orgasmic. I’m too cheap to go to the theater so I have not seen the summer “blockbusters”. I’m a Netflix guy, though I do think that DVDs and Blu-Rays need to have a “jump to sex scene” button. I don’t need to watch Black Swan again but I definitely need to see the Mila Kunis-Natalie Portman cunnilingus scene a few dozen more times.
Voice: Did you make it to Comic-Con this year?
Orbson: Unfortunately I didn’t. My Illyria costume turned our more teal than blue so I decided to stay home. If anyone out there knows what I’m talking about, I bow before your greatness. If not, for shame. It’s time you learned about the awesomeness that is Joss Whedon. Next year I plan to be there to promote the release of my graphic novel “Orbson, God of Words”.
Voice: Your own graphic novel, that is awesome! What will it be about?
Orbson: It’s an autobiographical effort chronicling my efforts to stop the evil spread of stupid people. I use the magic in my Tome of Orbson to whack some knowledge into the ignorant. There will also be an Xbox 360 game that is kind of a cross between Left 4 Dead and Viva Pinata.
Voice: That will certainly be the hit of Comic-Con 2012! Could you give my readers some hints about the future of Orbson’s Oracle?
Orbson: Well I never know what’ll spurt out of this head next, but I can guarantee it will keep coming until I either give up or I succeed in ridding the world of stupid people. If I were you, I’d expect even more explosive political rants, some general craziness and more enlightenment from the greatest religion ever –Orbsonism.
Voice: What do you say to people that think you’re a little too crazy?
Orbson: I’d say… I’d say that everyone lives in their own little shell. Society, co-workers, our family, our friends add layer upon layer to the shell. But we add the thickest layers ourselves. Before you know it, what you represent to the world is only a dim reflection of who you really are. I’m tired of living in that shell and I write to break out. I think it’s time to embrace the crazy, lift your freak flag and raise your middle finger to anyone who dares judge you. This world would be a lot more fun if everyone exposed themselves.
Voice: Well, I for one can’t wait to see what you’ll come up with next. Thank you for joining us today.
Orbson: Of course! Tell the other voices I said hi.
Orbson’s Daily Diatribe: A lesbian woman, visiting the Dollywood theme park, was told that she could not enter the park unless she turned her t-shirt inside out. The reason? The t-shirt said “marriage is so gay” which was deemed “offensive” by Dollywood personnel. Offensive?! Really? I shouldn’t be surprised since we are talking about Tennessee, but seriously, this is not offensive. If I wore a t-shirt saying “I’d rather shoot my load than shoot a gun.” That might be offensive. True, but offensive. So, Orbson is officially boycotting Dollywood until they admit they were stupid. Hmmm, I may need a boycott blog. I already boycott Chick-Fil-A for anti-homosexual actions and Fox News because they’re idiots. I think a full blog on the topic might be in order. If anyone has any other companies to throw in the mix, let me know.
Currently Jamming to:
Monday, July 25, 2011
Pray Away the Stupid: The First Prayer of Orbson
Praise my name! Orbsonism is spreading. As the great words of Orbson permeate the public consciousness, we are seeing a massive migration of beliefs. As Orbsonism grows, so does the message. Today, I am honored to share with you the First Prayer of Orbson. Ah, my disciples, it is time to open your hearts, free your minds and prepare for a brain-smack from The God of Words himself.
Many poor, uneducated and misguided Christians believe that you can “pray away the gay.” Republican presidential candidate, Michelle Bachmann even owns a Christian counseling clinic which recently told a gay man that, “with prayer and effort, he could eventually learn to be attracted to women and rid himself of his gay urges.” Of course Orbson will not stand idly by as these sad, ignorant sheep are misled by that false religion.
Knowing he would be interested, I spoke at length with Jesus about this particular problem. “Orbson”, he said, “Really? Bachmann again? That annoying hag has been a pain in my ass for years. Look, you’re in charge now so it’s your call. Smite her good for all I care. I’ve had enough. I don’t care if someone is gay. Hey, I even like to partake in the sausage from time to time. Seriously, what are those people thinking. Love and tolerance. What is so fucking hard about that!”
I thought long and hard about his words and what I should do about the Bachmann/Christian conundrum. I spoke with the other deities, did extensive research on stupid people and searched my soul for the right answer. Of course, the 5th Tenet of Orbsonism forbids violence for this type of problem. Anyway, it wasn’t violence that was needed, it was intelligence. Epiphany! The First Prayer of Orbson. Orbsonism embraces loving and respecting the individual, so there will be none of that chanting zombies on Sunday foolishness. Orbsonites create their own unique prayers in whatever form they desire. I shall give you the essence of the First Prayer of Orbson:
Oh, Orbsonites of the World read my words. The greatest threat to mankind comes not from any one person, but the ignorance of the many. For too long, that ignorance has grown unchecked, like weeds suffocating flowers. Oh, Orbsonites, my flowers, I ask you to place one hand upon your genitalia and reach the other toward the sky and pray to Orbson, God of Words. Orbsonites, it is time to Pray Away the Stupid!
Of course Orbsonites know that a true prayer only has power when you take action after the prayer. I suggest opening Pray Away the Stupid Centers across the land. You may want to focus on the southern states first since they seem to have the greatest need. Introducing the ignorant to ideas like reading books and listening to facts should have a tremendous intellectual impact on the masses. You will likely meet with significant opposition, particularly from conservative leaders who would prefer the masses stay ignorant. Do not despair Orbsonites. You are smarter, you are stronger and you have The God of Words believing in you. Keep working and you shall overcome!
As I take my leave of you, know this: Orbsonism, the one true religion, celebrates you as an individual. Gay, straight, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, llama, Peruvian or any other ethnicity or orientation. Orbson loves you because you are unique. Don’t let the ignorance and hate of others bring you down. Let my love and the love of fellow Orbsonites lift you up. You are precious to the world and we will intellectually bitch-slap anyone who thinks otherwise.
Many poor, uneducated and misguided Christians believe that you can “pray away the gay.” Republican presidential candidate, Michelle Bachmann even owns a Christian counseling clinic which recently told a gay man that, “with prayer and effort, he could eventually learn to be attracted to women and rid himself of his gay urges.” Of course Orbson will not stand idly by as these sad, ignorant sheep are misled by that false religion.
Knowing he would be interested, I spoke at length with Jesus about this particular problem. “Orbson”, he said, “Really? Bachmann again? That annoying hag has been a pain in my ass for years. Look, you’re in charge now so it’s your call. Smite her good for all I care. I’ve had enough. I don’t care if someone is gay. Hey, I even like to partake in the sausage from time to time. Seriously, what are those people thinking. Love and tolerance. What is so fucking hard about that!”
I thought long and hard about his words and what I should do about the Bachmann/Christian conundrum. I spoke with the other deities, did extensive research on stupid people and searched my soul for the right answer. Of course, the 5th Tenet of Orbsonism forbids violence for this type of problem. Anyway, it wasn’t violence that was needed, it was intelligence. Epiphany! The First Prayer of Orbson. Orbsonism embraces loving and respecting the individual, so there will be none of that chanting zombies on Sunday foolishness. Orbsonites create their own unique prayers in whatever form they desire. I shall give you the essence of the First Prayer of Orbson:
Oh, Orbsonites of the World read my words. The greatest threat to mankind comes not from any one person, but the ignorance of the many. For too long, that ignorance has grown unchecked, like weeds suffocating flowers. Oh, Orbsonites, my flowers, I ask you to place one hand upon your genitalia and reach the other toward the sky and pray to Orbson, God of Words. Orbsonites, it is time to Pray Away the Stupid!
Of course Orbsonites know that a true prayer only has power when you take action after the prayer. I suggest opening Pray Away the Stupid Centers across the land. You may want to focus on the southern states first since they seem to have the greatest need. Introducing the ignorant to ideas like reading books and listening to facts should have a tremendous intellectual impact on the masses. You will likely meet with significant opposition, particularly from conservative leaders who would prefer the masses stay ignorant. Do not despair Orbsonites. You are smarter, you are stronger and you have The God of Words believing in you. Keep working and you shall overcome!
As I take my leave of you, know this: Orbsonism, the one true religion, celebrates you as an individual. Gay, straight, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, llama, Peruvian or any other ethnicity or orientation. Orbson loves you because you are unique. Don’t let the ignorance and hate of others bring you down. Let my love and the love of fellow Orbsonites lift you up. You are precious to the world and we will intellectually bitch-slap anyone who thinks otherwise.
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