Liberal Guilt

We have all heard of “Catholic Guilt”. You know, that feeling you get after a particularly satisfying sexual encounter. The next thing you know, you suddenly feel exceptionally guilty for having “sinned”. Luckily Orbsonism is free of that gobbledygook. In fact, copulation is a highly recommended activity. However, lately I have been feeling a different kind of guilt. One that is not related to sex, but the little decisions I make every day. I believe I may be experiencing “Liberal Guilt”.

My experience began with a simple decision. I chose to go out to eat instead of making dinner at home. We decided on a small pizza place where we ordered a specialty pizza, cheesebread (because you gotta have cheesebread) and a couple of iced teas. The total cost was about $30. As I was paying the bill, I suddenly had a strong feeling of guilt. Suddenly, my $30 night out seemed gluttonous. Ever since, whenever I eat out I think about all of the people who are going hungry in the world and how that $30 could probably feed them for a week. Of course I still do it, but now I feel guilty.

If this was a one-time occurrence, I could probably get over it. However the guilt is having a Sword of Damocles effect. I feel guilty for shopping at Walmart instead of a local family-owned grocery store. I’m cheap. The same bread I buy at Walmart for $2 is $4.29 elsewhere. I probably save 60% or more by shopping at the most evil of all grocery stores. Fiscally, it is a smart choice, but still I feel the shame. The guilt just keeps adding every time I drink from a plastic water bottle, don’t recycle the peanut butter jar because it’s a pain to clean or choose the fancy iced tea in the store.

The answer to this conundrum eludes me. I could diet on Ramen Noodles and donate every spare penny to charities but let’s face it, I am not THAT liberal. Sometimes I think it must be nice to be a Republican. If you don’t care about anyone but yourself, then you can do whatever you want without consequence. Of course that pesky religion thing means they’ll never get laid. Yes, we liberals definitely have the better end of that deal. So I’ll eat my pizza, drink my tea, let little Orbson out to play and keep trying to attack policies that eliminate jobs and create poverty. That’s right Republicans, I’m coming after you.


Orbson’s Boycotting Barnes & Noble: I ordered a HP Touchpad, I got a confirmation and my credit card was charged. Two days later I get an email saying “oops, so sorry we don’t have any”. I was refunded but I want my Touchpad. How do you oversell inventory? Simple business principle, I have 100 to sell, I don’t sell 20,000! I heard a rumor that B&N left the link on so that they could collect user information for free. I dismissed this as another conspiracy theory. Next day, they sent me 3 emails! In response, I am boycotting B&N for 1 year. Of course, I buy my books at Costco and Amazon, but still, I won’t sit in their chairs while reading their magazines for a year. So there!

Orbson on Sookie: As I watched Bill and Alcide stand over a dying Sookie on last weekend’s episode of True Blood, I found myself thinking, “Quick, clap your hands really fast and say ‘I do believe in fairies! I do believe in fairies!”

Orbson Exposed

Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Orbson Exposed. Today our special guest star is none other than The God of Words himself, Orbson Rice. Good evening Orbson, thank you for joining me.

Orbson: Thank you Voice in My Head, it’s always a pleasure.

Voice: Orbson, your latest venture, The Orbson Oracle, has been a tremendous success. How has your newfound celebrity impacted your daily life?

Orbson: Wow, it really has been a wild ride these last few weeks. I went from having zero disciples to having five! It’s getting to the point that I can’t look into a mirror without having someone yell “Hey, it’s Orbson!” I appreciate the support but it’s a little off-putting.

Voice: Our readers would love to hear your take on the world of entertainment. You game?

Orbson: Absolutely.

Voice: Great! First question, 3D movies, pro or con?

Orbson: Pro, but only a little. Look, Harry Potter is fine, but I don’t need to see The Notebook in three dimensions. It was painful enough in two. On the other hand, where the heck is the 3D porn? Are they worried about sticky glasses?

Voice: What are you watching on TV these days?

Orbson: There are some awesome shows this summer! The USA Network is amazing with Burn Notice, White Collar, Covert Affairs and Royal Pains. Of course, HBO’s True Blood is like a visit to the dark side of my brain, so I’m all over that. Falling Skies has also been a pleasant surprise. Summer programming is so much better than fall network programming. However, I’m really looking forward to The Big Bang Theory and The Walking Dead.

Voice: See any good movies lately?

Orbson: Nothing orgasmic. I’m too cheap to go to the theater so I have not seen the summer “blockbusters”. I’m a Netflix guy, though I do think that DVDs and Blu-Rays need to have a “jump to sex scene” button. I don’t need to watch Black Swan again but I definitely need to see the Mila Kunis-Natalie Portman cunnilingus scene a few dozen more times.

Voice: Did you make it to Comic-Con this year?

Orbson: Unfortunately I didn’t. My Illyria costume turned our more teal than blue so I decided to stay home. If anyone out there knows what I’m talking about, I bow before your greatness. If not, for shame. It’s time you learned about the awesomeness that is Joss Whedon. Next year I plan to be there to promote the release of my graphic novel “Orbson, God of Words”.

Voice: Your own graphic novel, that is awesome! What will it be about?

Orbson: It’s an autobiographical effort chronicling my efforts to stop the evil spread of stupid people. I use the magic in my Tome of Orbson to whack some knowledge into the ignorant. There will also be an Xbox 360 game that is kind of a cross between Left 4 Dead and Viva Pinata.

Voice: That will certainly be the hit of Comic-Con 2012! Could you give my readers some hints about the future of Orbson’s Oracle?

Orbson: Well I never know what’ll spurt out of this head next, but I can guarantee it will keep coming until I either give up or I succeed in ridding the world of stupid people. If I were you, I’d expect even more explosive political rants, some general craziness and more enlightenment from the greatest religion ever –Orbsonism.

Voice: What do you say to people that think you’re a little too crazy?

Orbson: I’d say… I’d say that everyone lives in their own little shell. Society, co-workers, our family, our friends add layer upon layer to the shell. But we add the thickest layers ourselves. Before you know it, what you represent to the world is only a dim reflection of who you really are. I’m tired of living in that shell and I write to break out. I think it’s time to embrace the crazy, lift your freak flag and raise your middle finger to anyone who dares judge you. This world would be a lot more fun if everyone exposed themselves.

Voice: Well, I for one can’t wait to see what you’ll come up with next. Thank you for joining us today.

Orbson: Of course! Tell the other voices I said hi.



Orbson’s Daily Diatribe: A lesbian woman, visiting the Dollywood theme park, was told that she could not enter the park unless she turned her t-shirt inside out. The reason? The t-shirt said “marriage is so gay” which was deemed “offensive” by Dollywood personnel. Offensive?! Really? I shouldn’t be surprised since we are talking about Tennessee, but seriously, this is not offensive. If I wore a t-shirt saying “I’d rather shoot my load than shoot a gun.” That might be offensive. True, but offensive. So, Orbson is officially boycotting Dollywood until they admit they were stupid. Hmmm, I may need a boycott blog. I already boycott Chick-Fil-A for anti-homosexual actions and Fox News because they’re idiots. I think a full blog on the topic might be in order. If anyone has any other companies to throw in the mix, let me know.


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