The Orbson in the Woods

One Orbson goes into the woods; “you think you know the story”. Yes, Orbsonites, I actually paid money to go to the theater. There is only one man who could get me to purchase a $12 popcorn, a $6 watered down soda and plop my butt down on an uncomfortably sticky seat for 95 minutes. That man is Joss Whedon. I bow before his greatness. All hail Joss, all hail Joss, all hail Joss.

Sorry about that. If I do not say my three “all hails” Joss will write another great TV show that the Fox Network will run out of order, subjugate it to Friday nights and then cancel it 14 episodes into the first season. Damn, I still miss Firefly. Anyway, last Saturday I went to the movies to see The Cabin in the Woods. I can’t really say anything about it without spoilers, so I will just give my ratings: Netflix: 4 stars, Schoolyard: A-/B+, Buy or Rent: Buy it. The horror genre may be off-putting to some people, however there was definitely more laughs than suspense and even Mrs. Orbson (who dislikes horror movies) enjoyed it.

As for my own personal journey through the woods, my adventure has been fraught with horrific beasts determined to suck out my life force. Or, as you know them, Republicans. Relax, I’m just kidding Republicans. Newt Gingrich could never be considered a “horrific beast”. I mean really, the guy goes to the zoo and a freakin penguin attacks him. Some of the cutest creatures in the zoo take one look at Newt and think “Oh, I am so going to bite this fucker’s fingers off!” Yes Newt, even the penguins hate you.

This really has been an odd news week: Romney and Cookie-gate, Newt and Penguin-gate, the Secret Service and Cheapskate. Speaking of the Secret Service and the not so secret servicing the Secret Service received while they were supposed to be in service to the President who was likely being serviced by his wife…. Oops, sorry lost myself for a moment. My take on this is pretty simple. I get it, you have a pretty stressful job, but you’re supposed to be the SECRET Service. There is nothing secret about 21 prostitutes. Sure, you might have been able to get away with 19, but 21 is just being greedy. Speaking of greedy, pay the women when you’re done. How would you like it if you were plugged at work and then were told you weren’t getting paid? I don’t mind if you relieve your stress by employing a professional stress reliever. But, when you’re done, PAY YOUR PROSTITUTE!

Orbson’s Glued to the TV: So, I caught the first two episodes of Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 and found it absolutely hilarious. If you enjoy raunchy and sarcastic humor, check it out. I have also been revisiting Chuck on DVD. If you have not seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out.

Orbson’s Final Thought: As I write these words, Saturday is now one hour young. I find myself thinking about empty yesterdays and remind myself that Saturday is not yet written. Saturday could be amazing. I can embrace a new experience or savor an old one. I don’t want to look back upon this Saturday and not remember what I did. I want to soar, I want to swim, I want to talk hard and write soft. I want to close Saturday with a sigh, a smile and an orgasm. What do you want your Saturday to be?

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Orbson Exposed

Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Orbson Exposed. Today our special guest star is none other than The God of Words himself, Orbson Rice. Good evening Orbson, thank you for joining me.

Orbson: Thank you Voice in My Head, it’s always a pleasure.

Voice: Orbson, your latest venture, The Orbson Oracle, has been a tremendous success. How has your newfound celebrity impacted your daily life?

Orbson: Wow, it really has been a wild ride these last few weeks. I went from having zero disciples to having five! It’s getting to the point that I can’t look into a mirror without having someone yell “Hey, it’s Orbson!” I appreciate the support but it’s a little off-putting.

Voice: Our readers would love to hear your take on the world of entertainment. You game?

Orbson: Absolutely.

Voice: Great! First question, 3D movies, pro or con?

Orbson: Pro, but only a little. Look, Harry Potter is fine, but I don’t need to see The Notebook in three dimensions. It was painful enough in two. On the other hand, where the heck is the 3D porn? Are they worried about sticky glasses?

Voice: What are you watching on TV these days?

Orbson: There are some awesome shows this summer! The USA Network is amazing with Burn Notice, White Collar, Covert Affairs and Royal Pains. Of course, HBO’s True Blood is like a visit to the dark side of my brain, so I’m all over that. Falling Skies has also been a pleasant surprise. Summer programming is so much better than fall network programming. However, I’m really looking forward to The Big Bang Theory and The Walking Dead.

Voice: See any good movies lately?

Orbson: Nothing orgasmic. I’m too cheap to go to the theater so I have not seen the summer “blockbusters”. I’m a Netflix guy, though I do think that DVDs and Blu-Rays need to have a “jump to sex scene” button. I don’t need to watch Black Swan again but I definitely need to see the Mila Kunis-Natalie Portman cunnilingus scene a few dozen more times.

Voice: Did you make it to Comic-Con this year?

Orbson: Unfortunately I didn’t. My Illyria costume turned our more teal than blue so I decided to stay home. If anyone out there knows what I’m talking about, I bow before your greatness. If not, for shame. It’s time you learned about the awesomeness that is Joss Whedon. Next year I plan to be there to promote the release of my graphic novel “Orbson, God of Words”.

Voice: Your own graphic novel, that is awesome! What will it be about?

Orbson: It’s an autobiographical effort chronicling my efforts to stop the evil spread of stupid people. I use the magic in my Tome of Orbson to whack some knowledge into the ignorant. There will also be an Xbox 360 game that is kind of a cross between Left 4 Dead and Viva Pinata.

Voice: That will certainly be the hit of Comic-Con 2012! Could you give my readers some hints about the future of Orbson’s Oracle?

Orbson: Well I never know what’ll spurt out of this head next, but I can guarantee it will keep coming until I either give up or I succeed in ridding the world of stupid people. If I were you, I’d expect even more explosive political rants, some general craziness and more enlightenment from the greatest religion ever –Orbsonism.

Voice: What do you say to people that think you’re a little too crazy?

Orbson: I’d say… I’d say that everyone lives in their own little shell. Society, co-workers, our family, our friends add layer upon layer to the shell. But we add the thickest layers ourselves. Before you know it, what you represent to the world is only a dim reflection of who you really are. I’m tired of living in that shell and I write to break out. I think it’s time to embrace the crazy, lift your freak flag and raise your middle finger to anyone who dares judge you. This world would be a lot more fun if everyone exposed themselves.

Voice: Well, I for one can’t wait to see what you’ll come up with next. Thank you for joining us today.

Orbson: Of course! Tell the other voices I said hi.



Orbson’s Daily Diatribe: A lesbian woman, visiting the Dollywood theme park, was told that she could not enter the park unless she turned her t-shirt inside out. The reason? The t-shirt said “marriage is so gay” which was deemed “offensive” by Dollywood personnel. Offensive?! Really? I shouldn’t be surprised since we are talking about Tennessee, but seriously, this is not offensive. If I wore a t-shirt saying “I’d rather shoot my load than shoot a gun.” That might be offensive. True, but offensive. So, Orbson is officially boycotting Dollywood until they admit they were stupid. Hmmm, I may need a boycott blog. I already boycott Chick-Fil-A for anti-homosexual actions and Fox News because they’re idiots. I think a full blog on the topic might be in order. If anyone has any other companies to throw in the mix, let me know.


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