Liberal Guilt

We have all heard of “Catholic Guilt”. You know, that feeling you get after a particularly satisfying sexual encounter. The next thing you know, you suddenly feel exceptionally guilty for having “sinned”. Luckily Orbsonism is free of that gobbledygook. In fact, copulation is a highly recommended activity. However, lately I have been feeling a different kind of guilt. One that is not related to sex, but the little decisions I make every day. I believe I may be experiencing “Liberal Guilt”.

My experience began with a simple decision. I chose to go out to eat instead of making dinner at home. We decided on a small pizza place where we ordered a specialty pizza, cheesebread (because you gotta have cheesebread) and a couple of iced teas. The total cost was about $30. As I was paying the bill, I suddenly had a strong feeling of guilt. Suddenly, my $30 night out seemed gluttonous. Ever since, whenever I eat out I think about all of the people who are going hungry in the world and how that $30 could probably feed them for a week. Of course I still do it, but now I feel guilty.

If this was a one-time occurrence, I could probably get over it. However the guilt is having a Sword of Damocles effect. I feel guilty for shopping at Walmart instead of a local family-owned grocery store. I’m cheap. The same bread I buy at Walmart for $2 is $4.29 elsewhere. I probably save 60% or more by shopping at the most evil of all grocery stores. Fiscally, it is a smart choice, but still I feel the shame. The guilt just keeps adding every time I drink from a plastic water bottle, don’t recycle the peanut butter jar because it’s a pain to clean or choose the fancy iced tea in the store.

The answer to this conundrum eludes me. I could diet on Ramen Noodles and donate every spare penny to charities but let’s face it, I am not THAT liberal. Sometimes I think it must be nice to be a Republican. If you don’t care about anyone but yourself, then you can do whatever you want without consequence. Of course that pesky religion thing means they’ll never get laid. Yes, we liberals definitely have the better end of that deal. So I’ll eat my pizza, drink my tea, let little Orbson out to play and keep trying to attack policies that eliminate jobs and create poverty. That’s right Republicans, I’m coming after you.


Orbson’s Boycotting Barnes & Noble: I ordered a HP Touchpad, I got a confirmation and my credit card was charged. Two days later I get an email saying “oops, so sorry we don’t have any”. I was refunded but I want my Touchpad. How do you oversell inventory? Simple business principle, I have 100 to sell, I don’t sell 20,000! I heard a rumor that B&N left the link on so that they could collect user information for free. I dismissed this as another conspiracy theory. Next day, they sent me 3 emails! In response, I am boycotting B&N for 1 year. Of course, I buy my books at Costco and Amazon, but still, I won’t sit in their chairs while reading their magazines for a year. So there!

Orbson on Sookie: As I watched Bill and Alcide stand over a dying Sookie on last weekend’s episode of True Blood, I found myself thinking, “Quick, clap your hands really fast and say ‘I do believe in fairies! I do believe in fairies!”

Orbson Fingers the Headlines

Every day I click through very news websites to find out what’s happening in the world. I usually hit BBC and CNN first but occasionally will peek at MSNBC. I avoid Fox News since it is not actually news but an evil corporate cesspool spreading fear, hate and ignorance to the Stupid. Anyway, as I was perusing stories I ran across a slew of headlines that I found a wee bit odd on MSNBC. So, I thought I would share. On an editorial note, I have no idea why these titles were not capitalized, I feel like I should know, I will likely lose sleep over this and yes I am a bit crazy but that is why you worship me.

Alaska volcano's eruption stirs concern about disruption

It’s a volcano people! I think you need to be concerned with a little more than a “disruption”. “Hey honey, this weird looking red stuff is flowing down the mountain and heading toward our house.” “Oh don’t worry dear; the news said there might be a ‘disruption’. Nothing to worry about.” Brought to you by the people who made Sarah Palin.

New leukemia treatment exceeds 'wildest expectations'

First of all, this is an awesome story and a potentially huge scientific breakthrough. Great job smart people! However, wouldn’t “wildest expectations” be a total cure and if so how did this “exceed” a total cure? Did it stomp out the leukemia and then make you shit out golden bricks. Cuz with the price of gold and the cost of healthcare, that would be really cool.

Poll: Most say US is on the wrong track

Duh! Did they really need a poll for this? Breaking news, many women find Hugh Jackman attractive. Breaking news, carrots are healthier than bacon cheeseburgers. Surprise, surprise, surprise….

'The Female Orgasm Explained' offered on Qantas flights

Finally, I don’t have to watch another rerun of Two and a Half Men on the airplane. I would prefer The Female Multiple Orgasm Explained but this will do. Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!

Groupon updates IPO filing, admits it's unprofitable

Hmmm, I am betting they bought too many Groupons and never used them before they expired.

Itunes Triumphant: Walmart kills its music download store

Walmart had a music download store?!? Why did they kill it? Was it naughty? Did itunes sneak in at night and defile the songs? I wish I had known Walmart had a music download store. I would have… well, I would have still purchased my music on Amazon.

Bert and Ernie won't be getting married

So let me get this straight. A petition has been formed to try and convince PBS that Bert and Ernie should announce their homosexuality and get married. There are over 3,000 “likes” on the movement’s Facebook page. It is good to see that with all of our country’s problems, people can focus on the important issues. Sesame Street Workshop’s reply? "Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most 'Sesame Street' Muppets do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation." Damn there goes any chance at a threesome with Kermit and Miss Piggy.

Candidates hit hard in testy GOP debate

Okay this is funny and scary and not just because of the word “testy”. I am beginning to think that someone is just playing a game with us. Let’s see if we can put together the craziest group of eight Republicans possible and see if the Stupid people will still vote for them. Seriously, it was like the “Evil League of Evil” was holding a rally to decide how best to fuck over the country. Of course, it was mostly complaining and infighting until the lead crazy person with all of the makeup showed up in her gas guzzling tour bus. No, not The Joker, I’m talking about the Queen of Crazy herself, Sarah Palin. I’m laughing, I’m crying, I’m eating a deep fried stick of butter. Poor Iowa. Poor U.S.A.