Every day I click through very news websites to find out what’s happening in the world. I usually hit BBC and CNN first but occasionally will peek at MSNBC. I avoid Fox News since it is not actually news but an evil corporate cesspool spreading fear, hate and ignorance to the Stupid. Anyway, as I was perusing stories I ran across a slew of headlines that I found a wee bit odd on MSNBC. So, I thought I would share. On an editorial note, I have no idea why these titles were not capitalized, I feel like I should know, I will likely lose sleep over this and yes I am a bit crazy but that is why you worship me.
Alaska volcano's eruption stirs concern about disruption
It’s a volcano people! I think you need to be concerned with a little more than a “disruption”. “Hey honey, this weird looking red stuff is flowing down the mountain and heading toward our house.” “Oh don’t worry dear; the news said there might be a ‘disruption’. Nothing to worry about.” Brought to you by the people who made Sarah Palin.
New leukemia treatment exceeds 'wildest expectations'
First of all, this is an awesome story and a potentially huge scientific breakthrough. Great job smart people! However, wouldn’t “wildest expectations” be a total cure and if so how did this “exceed” a total cure? Did it stomp out the leukemia and then make you shit out golden bricks. Cuz with the price of gold and the cost of healthcare, that would be really cool.
Poll: Most say US is on the wrong track
Duh! Did they really need a poll for this? Breaking news, many women find Hugh Jackman attractive. Breaking news, carrots are healthier than bacon cheeseburgers. Surprise, surprise, surprise….
'The Female Orgasm Explained' offered on Qantas flights
Finally, I don’t have to watch another rerun of Two and a Half Men on the airplane. I would prefer The Female Multiple Orgasm Explained but this will do. Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!
Groupon updates IPO filing, admits it's unprofitable
Hmmm, I am betting they bought too many Groupons and never used them before they expired.
Itunes Triumphant: Walmart kills its music download store
Walmart had a music download store?!? Why did they kill it? Was it naughty? Did itunes sneak in at night and defile the songs? I wish I had known Walmart had a music download store. I would have… well, I would have still purchased my music on Amazon.
Bert and Ernie won't be getting married
So let me get this straight. A petition has been formed to try and convince PBS that Bert and Ernie should announce their homosexuality and get married. There are over 3,000 “likes” on the movement’s Facebook page. It is good to see that with all of our country’s problems, people can focus on the important issues. Sesame Street Workshop’s reply? "Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most 'Sesame Street' Muppets do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation." Damn there goes any chance at a threesome with Kermit and Miss Piggy.
Candidates hit hard in testy GOP debate
Okay this is funny and scary and not just because of the word “testy”. I am beginning to think that someone is just playing a game with us. Let’s see if we can put together the craziest group of eight Republicans possible and see if the Stupid people will still vote for them. Seriously, it was like the “Evil League of Evil” was holding a rally to decide how best to fuck over the country. Of course, it was mostly complaining and infighting until the lead crazy person with all of the makeup showed up in her gas guzzling tour bus. No, not The Joker, I’m talking about the Queen of Crazy herself, Sarah Palin. I’m laughing, I’m crying, I’m eating a deep fried stick of butter. Poor Iowa. Poor U.S.A.
Showing posts with label bert and ernie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bert and ernie. Show all posts
Friday, August 12, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Sky is Falling! Umbrella Factories Make Billions
As you probably know, the U.S. economy is collapsing yet again. S&P downgrades, massive drops in the Dow, Emeril Lagasse is the new judge on Top Chef – things can’t get much worse. So why am I smiling? I’m smiling because I understand what is happening and what will likely happen in the future. Today I am going to share with you a little secret. This secret allowed me to profit during the “Great Recession” of 2008 and the aftershock of 2010. This secret makes me believe that I will pull in record profits this year. As a gift to my disciples, I am going to share my secret right now.
What I’m going to tell you is not complicated, it is actually insanely simple. The difficulty comes in not giving in to the general fear of the masses and using common sense and research to make educated decisions. The secret is this: When the stock market fluctuates this rapidly it is usually based on the confidence or lack of confidence of the masses. When there is a serious lack of confidence like there is now, prices drop across the board for shares of companies. This usually has absolutely nothing to do with an individual companies earnings or their future growth. Essentially, all of the publicly traded companies are currently on sale. Some are still a bad buy, but many represent great deals for phenomenal companies.
There are some obvious caveats. The 2008 collapse occurred through a combination of horrific banking practices, inflated real estate values and consumers who overspent on homes. In 2008, even after the collapse, I would not have invested in real estate. I still will not. However, I did invest in a little company called Alcon Technologies. Even though Alcon’s earning were solid, even though they had a strong line of new products, even though their products were medicinal (the last thing people usually stop buying) their share price dropped by more than 50%. That was crazy. There was no reason for that drop other than the market’s overall reaction to the economic climate. So I purchased the cheap shares of Alcon and watched with glee as it made all of its losses back within 6 months.
The moral of this story is that now is the time to invest. Now is the time to start researching companies and start making informed decisions to better yourself and your family. Whether you invest $5 of $5,000 don’t let this opportunity pass you by (Wow, this sounds like an infomercial). For many, this may seem like an imposing task. Venturing into an area you’re unfamiliar with can be scary but it does not need to be. Investing is very simple. All you are doing is purchasing part of a business. You do not need to run the business, create the product or market anything. All you need to worry about is whether it is a strong profitable company with a high likelihood of future success.
I will undoubtedly be writing more about investing in the coming months, but here are some exceptionally simplistic answers to questions/statements I have received in the past:
I don’t have the money to invest.
Look at where you are spending the money you do have. Can you make cuts. Investing $5 today can bring you $10 in the future, Will your daily Starbucks coffee do that?
I don’t have the time to figure out how to invest.
Look at where you are spending the time you do have. Would it be better to retire at 55 filthy rich or to watch every episode of The Bachelor? Plus, it doesn’t have to take that much time.
Where do I start?
A brokerage house. I like Fidelity Investments but there are others. Fidelity has offices in most major cities. Talk to them about your options. Also, if you have a 401k and an employer who matches contributions you need to max that baby out. Otherwise, you’re just throwing free money away.
How do I pick the company? I don’t understand all of those numbers and symbols.
I’m all about educating yourself, however that does take some time. Fidelity has great learning tools on their website. Also, keep reading this blog, I will likely have much more to say in the future. If you simply refuse to put forth the effort you should still consider mutual funds. This lets someone else do all of the work for you. You’ll still need to find a fund you like, but your broker can assist you. Funds range from ultra conservative to very risky so there is something for everyone. You could conceivably find the right fund(s) for you within an hour or two.
I have a bank CD, is enough of an investment?
For some of your money, perhaps. However, if you are not making at least 3% (and in this economy I doubt you are) you are actually losing value. Why? The rate of inflation is over 3%. $100 stuffed away in your mattress will simply not have the same buying power five years from now.
In conclusion, people generally don’t get rich by going to work every day (unless they are a pro athlete or movie star). They do so by making their employment income work for them. Regardless of your age, income level or competence with investing now is a great time to get started.
******************************************************************************
Orbson's TV Fix - True Blood! Until this show aired, I'd never seen anything where I can laugh out loud, be grossed out, get scared and get aroused within 30 seconds. Jessica better not be dead though, or Orbson will be pissed.
Orbson's Take- Bert and Ernie don't NEED to get married. It should be their CHOICE whether or not to get married.
What I’m going to tell you is not complicated, it is actually insanely simple. The difficulty comes in not giving in to the general fear of the masses and using common sense and research to make educated decisions. The secret is this: When the stock market fluctuates this rapidly it is usually based on the confidence or lack of confidence of the masses. When there is a serious lack of confidence like there is now, prices drop across the board for shares of companies. This usually has absolutely nothing to do with an individual companies earnings or their future growth. Essentially, all of the publicly traded companies are currently on sale. Some are still a bad buy, but many represent great deals for phenomenal companies.
There are some obvious caveats. The 2008 collapse occurred through a combination of horrific banking practices, inflated real estate values and consumers who overspent on homes. In 2008, even after the collapse, I would not have invested in real estate. I still will not. However, I did invest in a little company called Alcon Technologies. Even though Alcon’s earning were solid, even though they had a strong line of new products, even though their products were medicinal (the last thing people usually stop buying) their share price dropped by more than 50%. That was crazy. There was no reason for that drop other than the market’s overall reaction to the economic climate. So I purchased the cheap shares of Alcon and watched with glee as it made all of its losses back within 6 months.
The moral of this story is that now is the time to invest. Now is the time to start researching companies and start making informed decisions to better yourself and your family. Whether you invest $5 of $5,000 don’t let this opportunity pass you by (Wow, this sounds like an infomercial). For many, this may seem like an imposing task. Venturing into an area you’re unfamiliar with can be scary but it does not need to be. Investing is very simple. All you are doing is purchasing part of a business. You do not need to run the business, create the product or market anything. All you need to worry about is whether it is a strong profitable company with a high likelihood of future success.
I will undoubtedly be writing more about investing in the coming months, but here are some exceptionally simplistic answers to questions/statements I have received in the past:
I don’t have the money to invest.
Look at where you are spending the money you do have. Can you make cuts. Investing $5 today can bring you $10 in the future, Will your daily Starbucks coffee do that?
I don’t have the time to figure out how to invest.
Look at where you are spending the time you do have. Would it be better to retire at 55 filthy rich or to watch every episode of The Bachelor? Plus, it doesn’t have to take that much time.
Where do I start?
A brokerage house. I like Fidelity Investments but there are others. Fidelity has offices in most major cities. Talk to them about your options. Also, if you have a 401k and an employer who matches contributions you need to max that baby out. Otherwise, you’re just throwing free money away.
How do I pick the company? I don’t understand all of those numbers and symbols.
I’m all about educating yourself, however that does take some time. Fidelity has great learning tools on their website. Also, keep reading this blog, I will likely have much more to say in the future. If you simply refuse to put forth the effort you should still consider mutual funds. This lets someone else do all of the work for you. You’ll still need to find a fund you like, but your broker can assist you. Funds range from ultra conservative to very risky so there is something for everyone. You could conceivably find the right fund(s) for you within an hour or two.
I have a bank CD, is enough of an investment?
For some of your money, perhaps. However, if you are not making at least 3% (and in this economy I doubt you are) you are actually losing value. Why? The rate of inflation is over 3%. $100 stuffed away in your mattress will simply not have the same buying power five years from now.
In conclusion, people generally don’t get rich by going to work every day (unless they are a pro athlete or movie star). They do so by making their employment income work for them. Regardless of your age, income level or competence with investing now is a great time to get started.
******************************************************************************
Orbson's TV Fix - True Blood! Until this show aired, I'd never seen anything where I can laugh out loud, be grossed out, get scared and get aroused within 30 seconds. Jessica better not be dead though, or Orbson will be pissed.
Orbson's Take- Bert and Ernie don't NEED to get married. It should be their CHOICE whether or not to get married.
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