Are you sick? In need of medicine? Surgery? Don’t have insurance? For most Americans the Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare) will allow you to get the help you desperately need. Even though initial indications lean toward success, many Republicans question the program’s merits. The complaining conservatives have long been the victims of jokes and ridicule for their ongoing failure to come up with any solution at all for the ongoing health care crisis. However, Texas Governor Rick Perry has finally saddled up and presented a new alternative: “Perry Care”. To Perry, Obamacare is an “extremely wasteful program that gives away free medical care to people who have not earned the right to be healthy.” This fall, Texans will see Perry Care’s full impact with the taxpayer funded game show, Heal or No Heal, where seriously ill people can play for the chance to win comprehensive albeit mediocre health care. Filming has already begun and the initial buzz is that the show will be a sure hit… in the South… among conservatives… who haven’t finished high school.
Health care is a real issue in Texas which perennially is the worst insured state in the U.S. with over 25% of their citizens without insurance and many more who are severely under-insured. Perry has rebuffed Obamacare implementation in Texas and has refused federal funds for a Medicaid expansion that could help 1.5 million low-income Texans and called the program, “another example of northern aggression.” For Governor Perry a Texas issue requires a Texas response. “Perry Care is a revolutionary solution to our insurance issues. Winners of Heal or No Heal will receive the best health care Texas has to offer all while thoroughly entertaining us every Tuesday night. Best thing, ad money will pay for the treatments won and it won’t cost a dime to the people of Texas. We won’t waste our tax dollars on people who don’t deserve to have it.”
The format for Heal or No Heal is a cross between the game shows Deal or No Deal, Let’s Make a Deal and Wipeout. Will the seriously ill senior citizen win his hip replacement or a mere bottle of aspirin? Or will we get to laugh as he bounces off a large ball and into a pool of slime winning nothing? Will the young Cancer patient keep the 6-months of chemotherapy she has already won or choose what’s behind door #3? You’ll need to tune in this September to find out, but in the meantime you can pick up the Heal or No Heal instant ticket game at your nearest retail store. If you’re lucky your next scratch off might just be that barium enema you've been waiting for.
Saturday, Texas Governor Rick Perry met with over 30,000 people at Houston’s Reliant Stadium in an all day “prayer-a-palooza” in which he and the participants prayed to God Almighty to fix the many problems plaguing the U.S. This is bloody brilliant. Forget about actually working to solve the problems, now we can just wait for a response. You know what I don’t underst… Hey Orbsonites, I have a visitor! It’s God! Hey girlfriend, how have you been?
God: Orbson, God of Words, it's truly an honor to be in your presense.
Orbson: Oh stop it God, you’re making me blush.
God: Orbson, if you’re not too busy battling the Stupid, I really need your help.
Orbson: Of course God, for you anything!
God: Well, this past weekend my prayer inbox got bombarded by a bunch of redneck Christian in-breeders from Texas. Do you know anything about that?
Orbson: Yeah, the Governor down there held a prayer rally. They were praying for your help to solve all of our nation’s problems.
God: Really? That’s what they wanted? All their messages said stuff like this “dere God, peaze be helpin us bee fitsfullee renposibel. Fixin are conomee peaze.” What the hell was I supposed to do with that?
Orbson: Trust me I know, I see it every day. So, what can I do to help you out?
God: Well obviously I am not going to waive my magic Buffalo Penis and make all of the problems go away. I gave them a brain and free will, so this shit is their responsibility to fix. Look, I usually just ignore morons like these but this time I’m really concerned. The Republicans have severely fucked things up in that country of yours and I am afraid the smart people, like your Disciples, will suffer if I don’t take action.
Orbson: So what are you thinking?
God: I am giving the rednecks what they want. The other deities speak very fondly of your work against the Stupid, so I am promoting you and asking you to oversee them from here on out. Henceforth you shall be known as Orbson Rice, Supreme God of Words, God of Common Sense, Master of Intelligence, Grand Master of Awesomosity and the Preeminent Being of Goodness.
Orbson: Thanks, it is always nice to see my efforts appreciated.
God: This puts you on the same deity level as me. Do me a favor though and don’t tell Buddha for a couple of days. He has been really on edge lately- something about a killer robot piñata being stuck in his ass.
Orbson: Of course, no problem. So how do I convince the crazy Christians down in Texas that you have made me their God? They might not believe me.
God: They will now. Just publish these words on the Orbson Oracle and if they truly believe in me they must follow everything you say. Otherwise they are committing the greatest of all sins and will live for eternity in Hell.
Orbson: Alright, I’ll give it a try, but you owe me one.
God: I owe you thousands, thanks Orbson. You rock! Okay here is my message. “People of Texas, I am your God. I have heard your pleas and being ever merciful, I am sending you my greatest friend and most trusted advisor, Orbson Rice. If you truly believe in me, if you truly follow my teachings then you must obey Orbson Rice. Only then, will you reach the Promised Land. I, God, pronounce that the one true religion is Orbsonism. Follow him, trust in him, believe in him and never question his benevolence.
Orbson: Thanks God, I’ll take it from here. See you at next week’s game.
Orbson: People of Texas, I am Orbson Rice. I have been touched by God who came to me in the shape of a deformed Twinkie. She spoke to me of your prayers and gifted me with powers beyond your imagination. I will answer your prayers and lead you out of despair and down the Mystical Path of Light to reach your inner Orbson. To prove yourselves worthy you must complete four tasks.
First, you must read every one of my writings on the Orbson Oracle. They shall be your guidelines for all future actions. If you have difficulty understanding the big words, ask a Democrat to help you. Second, you must renounce all false idols such as the crucifix, the church, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News and of course all Republicans. Third, you must connect with one another in a public place, preferably a park. Here you will enjoy the Gift of Nature that God and Orbson have given you. You will pair up (groups are fine) and have wild donkey sex. Do this for as long as it takes to Cum the Christian out of you. Finally, you must send two checks in the mail. The first will be to the U.S. Treasury in the amount of 5% of your take home paycheck. The second will be sent to Orbson Rice in whatever amount you deem fit for your God. Remembering of course that I have a key vote in whether you go to Heaven and receive the Key to the Door of Eternal Orgasms. You will send these checks once a month until I tell you to stop.
People of Texas, you have read the evidence yourselves. You have prayed to your God and your God has answered. She has made me her vessel - her voice on Earth. Now is the time to truly embrace your faith by embracing Orbsonism. If you question my divinity, then you are questioning God herself. Do not let your faith falter. Place one hand on your genitalia and raise one to the sky and pray to Orbson. If you follow, I will lead. If you stray, well I have seen Hell and believe it or not, it’s a lot worse than Dallas. Finally, if you so much as think of nailing me to a cross, I will bitch-slap you.
