Obama to Trump: “Perhaps Ignorant Racists Should Wear Special ID Badges Too”

For President Obama, the political correctness gloves have been taken off and placed firmly up Donald Trump’s butt. Without the concern of reelection the President has become increasingly vocal, commenting frequently on the barrage of hate, intolerance and ignorance spewing from conservatives. Thursday was no exception as Obama took to Twitter to respond to an interview in which Trump indicated that a Muslim database and special ID badges that identify Muslims are policies he would consider to fight terrorism:

“We’re going to have to do things that we never did before. And some people are going to be upset about it….  And certain things will be done that we never thought would happen in this country in terms of information and learning about the enemy. And so we’re going to have to do certain things that were frankly unthinkable a year ago.”

President Obama’s epic response may just be his best yet, “@realdonaldtrump Perhaps ignorant racists should wear special ID badges too. I'll have one made up for you.”

Of course the President was also quick to point out that of the 2,000 Syrian refugees the U.S. has taken in thus far, half were children and another quarter were more than 60 years old. Of course facts are not always friendly to conservatives and will likely be met with confused stares followed by the yelling of such things as “Benghazi!” or “Obamacare sucks!” While these are excellent conservative identifiers, the President’s idea still has merit. If you walk into a random store and the owner is proudly wearing his or her “I’m a racist, misogynistic, homophobic, ignorant conservative” badge it might make you rethink your shopping habits.

As for Mr. Trump and those who share his desire to recreate Nazi Germany, in 2010 there were 1,600,000,000 Muslims in the world. Even some of the highest estimates (which are likely fabrications) of 250,000 ISIS militants would only equal 0.016% of the entire Muslim population. In fact, according to the Pew Research Center, there is an extremely high level of disdain for ISIS in Muslim countries. The religion of Islam is not the enemy, extremists are. This is true whether the extremists are Muslims or Christians running for political office using fear and ignorance to scare the masses. So, Mr. Trump if the President offers to have you swing by to pick up your “ignorant racist” badge, I would take him up on it. It’s the only way you’ll be seeing the inside of the White House anytime soon.




unedited photo by: Steve Jurvetson

Paul Ryan: “Food Stamps are Unnecessary, Trickle-Down Nutrition Works”

Speaking before yesterday’s weekly GOP luncheon at Le Petit Diable, Congressman Paul Ryan spoke about the rampant fraud within SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) and his desire to eliminate the program permanently:

“Last week we cut $8.7 billion from the food stamp program falling well short of the $40 billion cut we requested. As a nation, we need to stop feeding the immorality and stomachs of the these inner-city leeches that use and abuse this program . Good, honest, hard-working people do not use SNAP. They understand that food stamps are unnecessary, because trickle-down nutrition works.”

This is the first time the idea of “trickle-down nutrition” has been presented and when asked about the concept, Ryan replied, “There is a lot of food that goes to waste in this country. Just last night I only finished half of my Roasted Duck with Balsamic Glaze. It was taken back to the kitchen and likely thrown away. That is waste. The wait staff and dishwashers could have eaten it. No need for food stamps and no need for a higher minimum wage. So long as the wealthy are fed well, the scraps will find their way down to the lower classes. I repeat, trickle-down nutrition works!”

Ryan may be right about the inefficacy of the food stamp program. Even though it has been proven that incidents of food stamp fraud are actually lower than other large government programs, it still exists. Now it could be argued that “76% of SNAP households included a child, an elderly person, or a disabled person” and yes those households make up 83% of all SNAP distributed benefits. I’ll even concede that the average gross income of recipients is only $14,648 for a family of three.  What these numbers fail to tell you however is that many of the recipients are simply lazy and can’t be bothered to check the dumpster of the local restaurants for perfectly good food. In fact, there’s no wonder that SNAP breeds fraud. With massive benefits of $1.50 per person per meal you have to ask yourself, does any child really need that much money for food? Sure, the average SNAP family runs out of funds the third week of each month, but that is just because they’re buying luxury foods like milk, vegetables and fruit. If they stuck with Ramen noodles and soda pop they wouldn’t have a problem.

Just like trickle-down economics has created unprecedented wealth and opportunity for the middle class, trickle-down nutrition can feed our nation’s hungry.  Or as Paul Ryan expressed, “If it’s good enough for my dog, it’s good enough for my constituency.”  As for the future of SNAP, if only one person is found abusing the program, clearly the entire thing should be scrapped. Of course by that logic, we may need to take a hard look at Congress next.


The Finale: Can't write about the season finale of How I Met Your Mother without spoilers so instead I will just say "Legen-", "What?!", "Awwwww", "hmmmmm", "Wait for it", "What the Flying F*$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", "dary!" Mondays will not be nearly as funny without this great show.

Civil War 2- Attack of the Stupid

Good morning Orbsonites! As you know, I have been out battling the Stupid. I have spread knowledge to those who are without and preached freedom, tolerance and love to those who live only with hate. Unfortunately, I am failing. I just finished reading the latest news stories; an act which often leaves me feeling depressed. I have come to a realization. We are under attack. Liberals everywhere are being attacked in both large and small ways by the religious conservatives in this country. Readers, you know I enjoy poking fun at conservatives. I have often seen them as that cat who runs full speed into a staircase only to crash headfirst. I laugh and say, “Dumb cat”. I believe the Republican Party is made up of millions of dumb cats. I have joked that the reason religious leaders oppose contraception is because alter boys can’t get pregnant. That the reason Rush Limbaugh would call someone a “slut” is because she, like every other intelligent woman in the world, would never touch him. Yet recently I am starting to see something deeper behind their acts. Something dark. Something evil.

Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.

Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.

Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.

Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.

Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!

Happy Screw With a Republican Day

August 23 is upon us and it’s time for another Orbson holiday. For too long, August has been the forgotten month. Yes, it is National Goat Cheese Month and sure we do get to gaze in awe at the Perseid Meteor Shower, but where’s the holiday? Therefore, I Orbson Rice do hereby proclaim August 23 to be Screw With a Republican Day! As you know, every Orbson holiday gives you certain inalienable rights. You are allowed to blow off work, put off any chores at home and can completely pamper yourself. Oh, and don’t forget the hourly sex games! So grab your favorite goat cheese as we explore the wonders of this most amusing of holidays.

All year long, Republicans are allowed to screw with us. From their insane comments and made-up facts to their desire to make sure their Presidential candidates are verifiably insane. Today, we turn the crazy around. Each Orbson Disciple should celebrate the holiday in a unique and interesting way. However, I wouldn’t be Orbson Rice without a few suggestions to get you thinking. Now each of us knows a Republican. Whether through family, work, or even the occasional friend there is always someone who quotes Sarah Palin and uses the words “those people” in most of their conversations. So, find your nearest Republican and start screwing:

1. Donate money to a liberal organization on their behalf. Imagine the look on avid hunter Uncle Larry’s face when he receives a letter from P.E.T.A. thanking him for his donation. Don’t stop there though, have P.E.T.A. send out donation packs to his hunting buddies saying that good ol’ Larry donated and he thinks they should too.

2. That gas guzzling SUV would look a lot nicer with an “Obama 2012” bumper sticker on the back. Afraid they’ll just rip it off? Get a bunch and keep putting them on and if they ask, just tell them that Jesus made you do it.

3. Good ol’ conservative Aunt Mary likes to send you daily emails talking about the evil Democrats? Time to get back at her. How about signing her email address up to every liberal organization you can think of. Hey, maybe a few hundred liberal emails a day will rub off on her.

4. Your conservative friend is on Facebook? I think it may be time for a few comments on his Wall. “Hey, great to see you at the Dennis Kucinich rally last night.” “Hey, I loved your article about how we should repeal the 2nd Amendment. You’re right, guns are evil.” “Dude, saw you at the gay pride rally last night. Great speech on legalizing gay marriage!”

These are just a few simple ideas to get you started. However, if you really want to screw with a Republican, then I have the perfect recipe for you. Read. Listen. Research. Think. Understand. Be compassionate to someone when you get nothing in return. Pick up litter. Plant a tree. Have amazing sex with whomever you want. The best way to screw with a Republican is using your brain, respecting your planet and treating others well. That is what really screws with Republicans.

So, get out there and have fun celebrating Screw with a Republican Day! Now if you’ll excuse me it is time for another exotic game of Riding the Albino Alpaca Aye. Canadian sex games are always so dirty…



Orbson Tweets: “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” movie? That’s like calling a porn movie “Get Your Hand out of Your Pants”.

Orbson Read What? To Avoid Brain-Eating Amoebas, Hold Your Nose I didn’t read the whole article so just to be safe I’ll be holding my nose 24/7.

Orbson at the Movies: Spy Kids 4 (starring Jessica Alba) will be giving out scratch and sniff cards to audience members so they can smell the action on the screen. I’m not sure how realistic this will be. I think I should smell Jessica Alba just to make sure it’s consistent.