Civil War 2- Attack of the Stupid

Good morning Orbsonites! As you know, I have been out battling the Stupid. I have spread knowledge to those who are without and preached freedom, tolerance and love to those who live only with hate. Unfortunately, I am failing. I just finished reading the latest news stories; an act which often leaves me feeling depressed. I have come to a realization. We are under attack. Liberals everywhere are being attacked in both large and small ways by the religious conservatives in this country. Readers, you know I enjoy poking fun at conservatives. I have often seen them as that cat who runs full speed into a staircase only to crash headfirst. I laugh and say, “Dumb cat”. I believe the Republican Party is made up of millions of dumb cats. I have joked that the reason religious leaders oppose contraception is because alter boys can’t get pregnant. That the reason Rush Limbaugh would call someone a “slut” is because she, like every other intelligent woman in the world, would never touch him. Yet recently I am starting to see something deeper behind their acts. Something dark. Something evil.

Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.

Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.

Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.

Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.

Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!

Republicans Accuse Victoria’s Secret of Murdering Babies

A teenage boy bursting with angst and urges makes his way to the mailbox. He opens it and his eyes immediately fall on the glossy cover of the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog. Forgetting the rest of the mail he makes his way back to his bedroom, locks the door and begins an act that many deem as perfectly natural. However, with the latest controversy about the “evils” of contraception some now view this act as murder. Every day millions of potential babies end up discarded in tissues at the side of the bed. For what? A few minutes of pleasure? Is Victoria’s Secret unknowingly aiding in baby genocide? This is the question that the recently created House of Representatives Sub Committee on Ejaculatory Expenditures recently investigated.

Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has spearheaded the debate on the evils of contraception. “[Contraception is] not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be within marriage, they are supposed to be … procreative.” Following this logic, it would be easy to conclude that any act of ejaculation not strictly for reproductive purposes could be considered “not okay”. Jack Stroker, Mississippi State Representative and head of the Sub Committee on Ejaculatory Expenditures, made news this week when he released the results of the Committee’s inquiry into the matter. “We took a hands on approach to the issue of masturbation. We realize this is a very sensitive issue to many people, however we ultimately came to the conclusion that masturbation is murder.”

While Stroker pointed to numerous publications, websites and films that contributed to this masturbatory genocide, it was his attack on intimate apparel chain Victoria’s Secret that drew national attention this week. “Porn is evil, we all know that. But it is the hidden porn that I am concerned about. That [Victoria’s Secret] catalog can be received by anyone. There are no regulations concerning its content or who can look at a copy. It really tugs at my heart strings to know that billions of babies are never being given the chance to live because of that catalog.”

For Victoria’s Secret this is a potentially sticky public relations situation. Other companies such as Sports Illustrated with their coveted swimsuit issue are waiting to see who Republicans might take a whack at next. In the meantime, liberal organizations are already mounting rallies in support of Victoria’s Secret and the American right to masturbate. Oregon based group, Society for the Protection of the Rub and Tug or S.P.R.T. is sponsoring an Occupy Hand event. On February 29, they are requesting that all supporters “Rub One Out for Freedom”. Movements like these are popping up all over the country as supporters of Victoria’s Secret take to their bedrooms in protest.

While Stroker’s attack on Victoria’s Secret and the murderous nature of masturbation is currently focused on male masturbation, he also finds the issue of female masturbation troubling. “Pleasure for the sake of pleasure is never a good thing. God created sexuality for one purpose only- reproduction. Anything else is an act of evil. I believe the potential dangers of female masturbation are great.” Hearings before the Sub Committee on Controlling Unnatural Female Urges with begin later this month.