Republicans Accuse Victoria’s Secret of Murdering Babies

A teenage boy bursting with angst and urges makes his way to the mailbox. He opens it and his eyes immediately fall on the glossy cover of the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog. Forgetting the rest of the mail he makes his way back to his bedroom, locks the door and begins an act that many deem as perfectly natural. However, with the latest controversy about the “evils” of contraception some now view this act as murder. Every day millions of potential babies end up discarded in tissues at the side of the bed. For what? A few minutes of pleasure? Is Victoria’s Secret unknowingly aiding in baby genocide? This is the question that the recently created House of Representatives Sub Committee on Ejaculatory Expenditures recently investigated.

Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has spearheaded the debate on the evils of contraception. “[Contraception is] not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be within marriage, they are supposed to be … procreative.” Following this logic, it would be easy to conclude that any act of ejaculation not strictly for reproductive purposes could be considered “not okay”. Jack Stroker, Mississippi State Representative and head of the Sub Committee on Ejaculatory Expenditures, made news this week when he released the results of the Committee’s inquiry into the matter. “We took a hands on approach to the issue of masturbation. We realize this is a very sensitive issue to many people, however we ultimately came to the conclusion that masturbation is murder.”

While Stroker pointed to numerous publications, websites and films that contributed to this masturbatory genocide, it was his attack on intimate apparel chain Victoria’s Secret that drew national attention this week. “Porn is evil, we all know that. But it is the hidden porn that I am concerned about. That [Victoria’s Secret] catalog can be received by anyone. There are no regulations concerning its content or who can look at a copy. It really tugs at my heart strings to know that billions of babies are never being given the chance to live because of that catalog.”

For Victoria’s Secret this is a potentially sticky public relations situation. Other companies such as Sports Illustrated with their coveted swimsuit issue are waiting to see who Republicans might take a whack at next. In the meantime, liberal organizations are already mounting rallies in support of Victoria’s Secret and the American right to masturbate. Oregon based group, Society for the Protection of the Rub and Tug or S.P.R.T. is sponsoring an Occupy Hand event. On February 29, they are requesting that all supporters “Rub One Out for Freedom”. Movements like these are popping up all over the country as supporters of Victoria’s Secret take to their bedrooms in protest.

While Stroker’s attack on Victoria’s Secret and the murderous nature of masturbation is currently focused on male masturbation, he also finds the issue of female masturbation troubling. “Pleasure for the sake of pleasure is never a good thing. God created sexuality for one purpose only- reproduction. Anything else is an act of evil. I believe the potential dangers of female masturbation are great.” Hearings before the Sub Committee on Controlling Unnatural Female Urges with begin later this month.