DeVos Bans “Teaching” in Classrooms

Newly appointed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is taking a bold approach to educating the young people of the United States- a ban on teaching. On Tuesday afternoon just hours after her nomination was confirmed, DeVos and Trump announced a new executive order which prohibits the use of “teaching” in public schools. According to DeVos, the term “teaching” is an “elitist liberal term that only allows for the education of children via facts and does not take into account alternative forms of education”. The new term, which will take affect starting March 1, will be “enlightening.” During the press conference DeVos stated, “Learning needs be better. This less confusing for students. Enlightening good. Jesus good. Trump good. Goodbye.” The Department of Education released a sample of the new guidelines for the Science curriculum:

Gravity:

Former Lesson: Gravity is a force of attraction that exists between any two masses, any two bodies or any two particles.

Alternative Enlightened Theory: Gravity is God’s way on ensuring that we do not fly off into space. Should we displease God, gravity would be removed and we would simply float away. It is our belief in God that keeps us grounded.

Dinosaurs:

Former Lesson: Dinosaurs are animals that lived approximately 230 million years ago and survived until an extinction event occurred 66 million years ago. Evidence suggests that birds may be descended from dinosaurs.

Alternative Enlightened Theory: When God cast Adam and Eve from the garden, he placed upon the Earth many challenges. Dinosaur bones were one of those challenges. Dinosaurs themselves did not exist; the bones were purposely placed there by God to test the faith of those who found them. The Earth itself is only 6,021 years old.

Rain:

Former Lesson: Rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall under gravity.

Alternative Enlightened Lesson: Rain is God showering his essence over his people. Moderate rain is desirable and means God loves you. Heavy rain implies that God believes you are drowning in your sins. God condemns liberals, thus it rains often in areas such as Seattle and Portland. A desert climate means that God has given up on the people.

The new “enlightenment” guidelines have been celebrated as a “revolutionary step toward a superior education.” Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam, stated “We do a disservice to our children when we do not take a fair and balanced approach to their education. This order will protect children from the radical ideas of the left while enlightening them with honest and moral educational principles.” Time will only tell whether the DeVos approach will succeed, but Trump seems optimistic, “We be finally getting good learning here.” In related news, hospitals all over the country are filling up quickly with teachers reporting concussion-like symptoms due to hitting their heads repeatedly against walls.


Photograph by: Hans Hillewaert

A Spray of Deception

Today I found myself watching a stream of the Trump press conference. As he spoke of a new Golden Era, I cannot help but wonder whether these lurid Trump accusations that have been showered down upon us lately have been manufactured to keep our attention off of the number one issue. Let’s face it, Republicans are a whiz at deception. Perhaps these latest leaks are merely distractions from the flow of underhanded and terrifying things Congress is actually doing behind the curtain. Perhaps they believe that your innate ability to be easily distracted by shock entertainment will render you unable to see through the mist of corruption. Still you should not be pissed, for we were already aware of the yellow of their bellies. They can try to hide their cowardice and corruption but you should be relieved, because there are many of us who are watching. Here are but a few examples of the rain of deceit occurring in the last few days:

Who Needs Ethics? Congress attempted to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics. The first act of this Congress was to try to kneecap the very watchdog that works to ensure that our politicians act ethically. If that is not telling, I do not know what is.

The Let’s Spend Billions but Not Tell Anyone Rule! House Rules package with a carefully placed addition specifying that the Congressional Budget office should hide the expenses for repealing Obamacare from the public. They don’t want us to know just how much money or how many jobs were lost because of their actions. Transparency at its finest.

The Asshole’s Guide to Employee Management: The revival of the Holman rule which would allow Congress to lower certain federal salaries to $1, essentially firing employees in positions they don’t want them doing. I guess we now know why Trump asked for names from the Energy Department for those working on “Climate Change” as well as names from the State Department for those working on “Gender Equity.”

Introducing The Beautiful Grand Canyon Oil Fields: Another carefully placed House Rules Package trick that will make it much easier for Congress to give away federal lands without reimbursement, or citizen input. One guess who will benefit. Developers who line Congress’s pockets.


I think it may just be time to call your representatives and tell them to put these rules where they belong, in the toilet. As for those of you who are counting, there are actually 14 “Golden Shower” references in the first paragraph. Hey, I may be paying attention to the corruption and evil but that doesn’t mean I’m not still laughing. Can you find them all?

Paul Ryan: “Food Stamps are Unnecessary, Trickle-Down Nutrition Works”

Speaking before yesterday’s weekly GOP luncheon at Le Petit Diable, Congressman Paul Ryan spoke about the rampant fraud within SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) and his desire to eliminate the program permanently:

“Last week we cut $8.7 billion from the food stamp program falling well short of the $40 billion cut we requested. As a nation, we need to stop feeding the immorality and stomachs of the these inner-city leeches that use and abuse this program . Good, honest, hard-working people do not use SNAP. They understand that food stamps are unnecessary, because trickle-down nutrition works.”

This is the first time the idea of “trickle-down nutrition” has been presented and when asked about the concept, Ryan replied, “There is a lot of food that goes to waste in this country. Just last night I only finished half of my Roasted Duck with Balsamic Glaze. It was taken back to the kitchen and likely thrown away. That is waste. The wait staff and dishwashers could have eaten it. No need for food stamps and no need for a higher minimum wage. So long as the wealthy are fed well, the scraps will find their way down to the lower classes. I repeat, trickle-down nutrition works!”

Ryan may be right about the inefficacy of the food stamp program. Even though it has been proven that incidents of food stamp fraud are actually lower than other large government programs, it still exists. Now it could be argued that “76% of SNAP households included a child, an elderly person, or a disabled person” and yes those households make up 83% of all SNAP distributed benefits. I’ll even concede that the average gross income of recipients is only $14,648 for a family of three.  What these numbers fail to tell you however is that many of the recipients are simply lazy and can’t be bothered to check the dumpster of the local restaurants for perfectly good food. In fact, there’s no wonder that SNAP breeds fraud. With massive benefits of $1.50 per person per meal you have to ask yourself, does any child really need that much money for food? Sure, the average SNAP family runs out of funds the third week of each month, but that is just because they’re buying luxury foods like milk, vegetables and fruit. If they stuck with Ramen noodles and soda pop they wouldn’t have a problem.

Just like trickle-down economics has created unprecedented wealth and opportunity for the middle class, trickle-down nutrition can feed our nation’s hungry.  Or as Paul Ryan expressed, “If it’s good enough for my dog, it’s good enough for my constituency.”  As for the future of SNAP, if only one person is found abusing the program, clearly the entire thing should be scrapped. Of course by that logic, we may need to take a hard look at Congress next.


The Finale: Can't write about the season finale of How I Met Your Mother without spoilers so instead I will just say "Legen-", "What?!", "Awwwww", "hmmmmm", "Wait for it", "What the Flying F*$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", "dary!" Mondays will not be nearly as funny without this great show.

Washington State Seeks Constitutional Amendment Banning Straight Marriage

In a surprising and controversial move, the Washington state legislature is considering an amendment to its constitution defining marriage as only existing between couples of the same sex. The amendment will be voted on in the November election and is currently polling at a tight 51%-49% in favor of the change.

The New Marriage Amendment (N.M.A.) was first introduced by a non-profit organization called the Preservation of Marriage Coalition whose mission is to “preserve the sanctity of marriage”.  However, during the past few months they have decided to refocus their mission on a worthier group. According to the organization’s President Matilda Robinson, “When Washington legalized gay marriage in December of 2012 we thought our world was over. Then, nothing happened. People were shocked that it had little to no impact on the every day lives of heterosexual couples. We thought there would be some reaction. You know, locusts, rain of toads, all of our Pabst Blue Ribbon turning into Pinot Noir, but no, absolutely nothing bad came out legalizing gay marriage. It really made us reflect. Maybe the best way to protect the sanctity of marriage is to stop straight people from marrying. Maybe we are the problem.”

If the N.M.A. passes, there will undoubtedly be far-reaching implications for heterosexual couples. There is already concern that they will no longer be eligible for the same government benefits. John Berkin from Tacoma asks, “What if my wife is in the hospital? If we are not legally married anymore can I be denied access to see her? That’s crazy. How could anybody possibly say that’s okay?!” Robinson counters saying that heterosexual couples will be offered most of the same rights as homosexual couples. “They won’t be married any more but they may be able to form a civil union. Though it's meeting opposition, we believe we can pass a civil union bill within 3-5 years.”

There is also discussion on whether heterosexual couples should be allowed to adopt children. “We’ll need to study what possible harm there might be to the child” says Robinson, “It doesn’t seem that as a whole, heterosexual parents have done a very good job with children in the past so it may be prudent to limit their access.” As for straight couples having their own children, “well I don’t know who would want to have to explain to a child that their parents are both a male and a female. It would be a tough way to grow up.” Robinson suggests that in the best interest of the children, heterosexual couples should really consider giving their kids to nice gay couples.

Washington’s N.M.A. vote will certainly be the focus of Olympia’s political debates for the next six months. Already protests have been organized throughout the state. The opposition has been met by large groups of supporters with inflammatory signs such as “God hates straights” and “It’s Bert and Ernie not Bert and Ellie” A number of House bills have also been introduced limiting heterosexual rights should the amendment pass. As one observer noted, “We need to make sure that straights can never marry again. If we let them marry what’s next, we let giraffes marry unicycles. It’s a slippery slope.” Regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain. The stigma associated with straight marriage isn't going away anytime soon.





Unedited Photograph by ProComKelly

Vatican Allows Shocking Act on Hallowed Grounds

Lights. Camera. Lubrication. This September, the Vatican is opening its jewel doors to filmmakers from the German media company Wetbild for use in their production of the pornographic film “The Holy Seed”. Wetbild is a corporation that is wholly owned by the Catholic Church and has been the center of a decade-long controversy within the Church for its publication of pornographic books. In the past, the Church has attempted to distance itself from the material stating, “Weltbild tries to prevent the distribution of possibly pornographic content.” However, as Wetbild owns Blue Panther Books whose 2,500+ erotic titles include “Anwaltshure” (Lawyer’s Whore), “Vögelbar” (F—kable) and “Schlampen-Internat” (Sluts’ Boarding School), it appears as though the Church has not been successful. In fact, Wetbild is not the only Church owned purveyor or pornography. They also own a 50% share of Droemer Knaur which produces pornographic titles such as “Nimm mich hier und nimm mich jetzt!” (Take Me Here, Take Me Now!), and “Sag Luder zu mir!” (Call Me Slut!). This latest venture into the world of pornography is sure to create a sticky public relations situation for the Vatican.

According to a Vatican press release, Wetbild will be filming for only two days though expects to complete three movies during that time. In addition to “The Holy Seed”, the films “Bible Thumpers” and “Trinity’s Holes” will be shot in closed-off sections of the Vatican. Even more shocking, Pope Benedict XVI himself will be making a brief cameo in “The Holy Seed”. The Pope will stumble across a pair of frisky worshippers and speak the line, “hmmm, conclave bello” which roughly translates to “Hmmm, nice conclave.”

The decision to film a pornographic movie in the Vatican has stunned Catholics everywhere. However, the Vatican insists that the films do not undermine church principles. According to the Vatican’s Senior Communications Advisor Greg Burke, “We thoroughly vetted the actors and actresses playing the roles. We required that they must be married Catholic adults and that they behave in a manner which portrays the dignity and majesty of the Church.” When asked why this controversial decision was made, Burke, a former journalist for the Fox Network and member of the controversial sect known as Opus Dei, responded, “Celibacy is very difficult. We are experiencing a moral crisis in the church. Too many of our priests have acted in a manner which is not congruent to our belief system. Viewing these films will allow for a more harmonious release of their urges. They must do this for themselves, for the church and for God.”

As the Vatican’s Rub One Out for Jesus campaign kicks off, the Church will undoubtedly face many hard questions: Is masturbation now an accepted Catholic practice? Is pornography okay? Should we start using our halos as cock rings? Given that the Catholic Church has shamelessly purveyed pornography for decades, it appears as though the answer to all of these questions is yes.






Original unaltered photo by Jess Pac

New Hampshire Republican Exposes Kindergarten Criminal Training Ground

One brave Republican has exposed a horrific threat to our nation’s safety- kindergartners. New Hampshire Republican lawmaker Bob Kingsbury (R-Laconia) has been under fire for the conclusions he has drawn from an intensive 16-year study. According to Kingsbury, the “research he has conducted since 1996 shows a connection between the state's kindergarten program and higher crime rates, attributing it to children being taken away from their mothers too soon…. In general, the towns with a kindergarten have 400 percent more crime than other towns in the same county. In every county the towns and cities with kindergarten had more crime.” At first I was dumbfounded by these statements and when I visited Middleton Kindergarten in Maryville, New Hampshire, I was only expecting to get some quotes for an article about another crazy Republican. However, what I discovered was truly shocking. Representative Kingsbury was right. Kindergarteners are being brainwashed to become future criminals.

After walking in to Mrs. Peabody’s classroom, I was immediately struck by a barrage of colors shooting off of every wall. Mrs. Peabody had placed the kindergartners’ “artwork” on the walls for all to enjoy. There was no order to the placement and apparently no rules for their content as I saw numerous pictures of animals that do no exist in the real world. Even more disturbing was the way that the children repeatedly failed to stay within the lines in their coloring. I asked Mrs. Peabody about this phenomenon and she replied “Well, the kids do their best and I let each of them create things that express their individuality and creativity.” This subversive way of teaching will likely lead to non-conformists who feel they have the right to metaphorically color outside the lines in adulthood. This will undoubtedly include criminal behavior.

As I watched America’s youth I noticed that they were finger painting with what I believe were gang colors. Had that been the worse thing I witnessed, I may have let it go, however the day just got scarier from there. Five year olds sharpening their crayons into objects that looked more like prison shivs than coloring tools, games where the winner or hider is able to evade the “seekers” for the longest amount of time and “reading time” books about cats in hats who convinces children to commit various forms of disobedience while there mother is away. This was all done by nap time! I hurried out of the school as they started to a song about babies falling out of trees. Gang colors, weapons, training to evade the police, learning to break rules and get away with it and singing about falling babies to help put them to sleep! Perhaps Kingsley is not just another crazy Republican.

Many people will likely scoff at Representative Kingsley’s findings, but don’t be fooled by their adorable faces and the seemingly harmless classroom activities. Kindergarten is a training ground for the criminal underworld. If it is this bad in kindergarten, I shudder to think what’s happening in our nation’s pre-schools.


Photograph by stevegatto2

Orbson's Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

I have been watching a lot of zombie television lately- The Walking Dead, Night of the Living Dead and of course the Republican debates. The Walking Dead is a ridiculously good show but I can’t help but think the characters are lacking in some basic common sense zombie survival skills. Since Orbson Rice is the King of Common Sense it only makes sense to share with you my sure-fired ways to survive a zombie attack.

1. Rambo Up: The majority of the people are now mindless zombies. You may not have noticed the change if you live in suburbia but trust me, now is NOT the time for non-violence. If you’re a liberal like me, this will be difficult. However, it is time to Rambo up. The characters on The Walking Dead constantly walk past abandoned military posts with M-90 machine guns just sitting there. Take them, attach them to your Prius and create your own path to safety. Also, it is time to reward your inner geek and find yourself a sword. With no sound and no ammo, they can slice and dice zombies without drawing attention. Want to take them out from a distance? Get a crossbow.

2. Do NOT go INTO the big city: Look, if everyone has turned into a zombie you don’t want to walk into zombiepalooza. Stick to small towns. Better yet, find a big boat and live on the water. You can fish for food and make occasional runs to small towns for supplies. Hey, maybe you can even find a nice tropical island to retire to. Just make sure you bring someone hot to help propagate the species. If you must go into the big city, don’t act all surprised when you suddenly find yourself being chased by a couple of million zombies.

3. Play Marco Polo: Zombies don’t hide, they just keep attacking. When exploring a building, don’t creep from room to room waiting for the zombie to jump out at you. Stand at the front door and yell “Hey zombie come on out and eat me”. Then wait until it comes out and kill it. You may be tempted to mock slow moving zombies. Do not do this, there is almost always another one nearby.

4. Stop flaunting your hotness: Zombies can infect you by biting or scratching. Unlike TV where it is better to flaunt your sexy body, in a real zombie attack it is prudent to cover up. I am not talking about 15th century armor, though that would be effective. Consider looting some Kevlar body armor. That way you are not turned into the undead by some random scratch on your arm.

5. The Paris Hilton Defense: If you’re like me, carrying a Chihuahua in a purse is one of the more stupid things you could do. However, if you’re running away from a horde of zombies, the Paris Hilton Defense could save your life. Are they gaining on you? Need to slow them down? Then chuck your Chihuahua grenade into the horde of zombies and run while little Pepé distracts the undead with his salty flesh.

6. Getting Bit: If you get bit, don’t wait around until you change and hurt one of your traveling companions. You’re done, go out with a bang. Find a bottle of Dom, set your IPOD to Muse’s “Uprising”, grand a couple grenades or some C4 and stroll into one of those big cities. Get into the middle of a big group of the monsters, take a swig and say whatever lame catch phrase comes to mind. I have always been fond of “yippee kay aye mother fuckers!”

If you follow these basic guidelines your chance of survival will increase dramatically. However, in the case of a true zombie apocalypse that may not be a good thing.


Random Thoughts: Why are there so many freakin versions of movies these days? I went online to order the most recent Harry Potter and there were a ton of options: DVD, Blu Ray, DVD+Blu Ray, DVD+Blu Ray+UltraViolet, 3D. Finally I had enough and just ordered the Super Special Ultimate Unlimited Edition. This includes all of the above formats plus former famous child actors will come to your house to act out the movie in mime. Next Saturday I will be enjoying Harry Potter Brady Bunch style!