DeVos Bans “Teaching” in Classrooms

Newly appointed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is taking a bold approach to educating the young people of the United States- a ban on teaching. On Tuesday afternoon just hours after her nomination was confirmed, DeVos and Trump announced a new executive order which prohibits the use of “teaching” in public schools. According to DeVos, the term “teaching” is an “elitist liberal term that only allows for the education of children via facts and does not take into account alternative forms of education”. The new term, which will take affect starting March 1, will be “enlightening.” During the press conference DeVos stated, “Learning needs be better. This less confusing for students. Enlightening good. Jesus good. Trump good. Goodbye.” The Department of Education released a sample of the new guidelines for the Science curriculum:

Gravity:

Former Lesson: Gravity is a force of attraction that exists between any two masses, any two bodies or any two particles.

Alternative Enlightened Theory: Gravity is God’s way on ensuring that we do not fly off into space. Should we displease God, gravity would be removed and we would simply float away. It is our belief in God that keeps us grounded.

Dinosaurs:

Former Lesson: Dinosaurs are animals that lived approximately 230 million years ago and survived until an extinction event occurred 66 million years ago. Evidence suggests that birds may be descended from dinosaurs.

Alternative Enlightened Theory: When God cast Adam and Eve from the garden, he placed upon the Earth many challenges. Dinosaur bones were one of those challenges. Dinosaurs themselves did not exist; the bones were purposely placed there by God to test the faith of those who found them. The Earth itself is only 6,021 years old.

Rain:

Former Lesson: Rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall under gravity.

Alternative Enlightened Lesson: Rain is God showering his essence over his people. Moderate rain is desirable and means God loves you. Heavy rain implies that God believes you are drowning in your sins. God condemns liberals, thus it rains often in areas such as Seattle and Portland. A desert climate means that God has given up on the people.

The new “enlightenment” guidelines have been celebrated as a “revolutionary step toward a superior education.” Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam, stated “We do a disservice to our children when we do not take a fair and balanced approach to their education. This order will protect children from the radical ideas of the left while enlightening them with honest and moral educational principles.” Time will only tell whether the DeVos approach will succeed, but Trump seems optimistic, “We be finally getting good learning here.” In related news, hospitals all over the country are filling up quickly with teachers reporting concussion-like symptoms due to hitting their heads repeatedly against walls.


Photograph by: Hans Hillewaert

Trump Vows to Send Statue of Liberty Back to France

Speaking at the National Prayer Breakfast, Donald Trump surprised attendees by announcing plans to tear down the Statue of Liberty and send it back to France. “Look, we need security. We need to be the best at it. To protect our borders. Our symbol can no longer be a tall ugly woman telling terrorists they can just walk right in. That’s not right. No one wants to see that. It’s weak. Later today I will be signing an executive order to remove the Statute of Liberty and send it back to France in pieces. They want the refugees, they can have them all.”

The Statue of Liberty has stood as a beacon to those entering the United States since it was gifted by France in 1886. Between 1886-1924, 14-million immigrants entered New York and one of their first sights was the lady who welcomed them with open arms. The Statue of Liberty’s base holds a bronze plaque with the following poem by Emma Lazarus,

“Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Trump was quick to quell the disconcerted reaction of attendees, “Just don’t worry about it….We have to be tough, it’s time we’re going to be a little bit tough, folks. I am going to build a new Statue of Liberty. It’s going to be bigger. So big. So big they can see it in Iran. And I’m gonna have a new model. A gorgeous girl. I’m going to hold a pageant and the winner will be the new Statue. The new model, gorgeous. She’ll be standing in that spot smiling, and maybe she’ll have a gun. She’ll be telling them to keep out. Wonderful. Strong.”

French officials have not responded to interview requests but a spokesman for Prime Minister Bernard Cazeneuve confirmed that they have been in contact with the White House. A small group of protesters have already begun to gather around the National Monument and officials believe that the numbers will swell in the coming hours.



Orbson’s Call to Action: Have you ever noticed that whenever Trump speaks it sounds like somebody Frankensteined a Cheetos? For example, while talking about Black History Month he states, “You read all about Martin Luther King when somebody said I took a statue out of my office. And it turned out that that was fake news. The statue is cherished. It’s one of the favorite things—and we have some good ones. We have Lincoln, and we have Jefferson, and we have Dr. Martin Luther King.”
He appears to have the intellectual capacity of a 5-year old. A white supremacist, egomaniacal 5-year old, but still a 5-year old. I began to ponder why that might be and may have a theory. Perhaps at some point in his life he suffered a head injury, who knows, perhaps he was peed on a bit too hard. Regardless, he may now be suffering from the aftereffects. Now, I am not a doctor but if Saturday morning cartoons have taught me anything, another knock on the head could help him out quite a bit. So for this call to action I ask you to call you representatives, the media and anyone else in contact with President Pussygrabber and ask them, for Trump’s own well-being, to smack him as hard as they can. Go forth…

Photograph by Erik Daniel Drost

Product Launch: “Avoid the Fight, Just be White!” Racial Profiling Prevention Cream

SaTiRe-

This Orb was deemed too provocative and controversial for Free Wood Post and Facebook. That's right, Orbson is a bad boy!

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Have you ever found yourself driving a car? Do you like to wear sweatshirts with hoods? Have you been known to walk down a sidewalk at night? If you answered yes to any of these questions, AND you’re black, you may have found yourself the target of undeserved harassment, beatings, tear gas, being shot at and even being strangled. Well, you don’t need to worry any more because today we are introducing Race-No-More. This pure organic cream was made from the tears of an albino Koala Bear and it will color your problems away with a full-body White Out!  That’s right, avoid the fight, just be white!

Created in our laboratory by a team of highly trained scientists, Race-No-More is the ultimate solution to your racial profiling problems. Sure you could simply be yourself and raise your head proudly for your rich cultural heritage but let’s be realistic. Even with multiple degrees, a six figure salary and driving a Bentley you’re still going to get pulled over for suspicion of grand theft auto. A little bit of Race-No-More’s patented skin alteration cream and suddenly the guns and handcuffs turn into smiles and waves. Side benefits of Race-No-More include better success rates in job interviews and higher wages. If you only cover your face with one white cream this year, make it Race-No-More! Still not convinced? Check out these facts:

In Ferguson, Missouri 86% of stops were black, 92% of searches, 94% of arrests, police twice as likely to search blacks even though whites were more likely to have contraband.

“Black Americans were nearly four times as likely as whites to be arrested on charges of marijuana possession in 2010, even though the two groups used the drug at similar rates”

“African American and Hispanics comprised 58% of all prisoners in 2008, even though
African Americans and Hispanics make up approximately one quarter of the US population”

African Americans serve virtually as much time in prison for a drug offense (58.7 months) as whites do for a violent offense (61.7 months)

One in every three black males born today can expect to go to prison at some point in their life, compared with one in every six Latino males, and one in every 17 white males, if current incarceration trends continue.

Let’s face it, even though the Republican National Committee stated that racism is over in the U.S., people like Philando Castile, Trayvon Martin, Dontre Hamilton, Michael Brown and Eric Garner would likely be alive today if they were white. Racism is rooted in ignorance and evil, but since we’re not close to winning the battle against either, it’s time to protect yourself. For only $19.95 you’ll receive a 10-application supply of Race-No-More and if you order today, you will get an absolutely free Race-No-More Quick Change Kit complete with Bermuda shorts, fanny pack, Hawaiian shirt and a Taylor Swift CD. Supplies are limited so order yours today!

This advertisement was brought to you by the makers of “Under 40- The Anti-Age Discrimination Skin Stretcher” and “The Portable Penis Salary Raising Kit- They can’t pay you less if you have one too!”

Orbson Rant of the Day: I was told that even liberals might have problems with this Orb. If that is the case then we have taken political correctness to an extreme in which there is no turning back. I think the Orb pretty clearly demonstrates that 1) I hate racism  2) There exists a tremendous amount of racism in our justice system and finally 3) I do not believe that people of any color should have to paint their faces so as not to be harassed. I mean seriously, if that is what you get from this Orb than it might be time to file a lawsuit against every single teacher you have ever had because baby, you be STUUUUUUPID.

Anonymous Hacks IRS Database- Publishes Trump’s Tax Returns

Tuesday evening, the mysterious hacker collective known as Anonymous hacked the main database for the Internal Revenue Service. The group appeared to have a singular target- Republican Presidential contender Donald Trump. Though Trump has been criticized by both parties for his failure to produce his tax returns, he has consistently refused to do so saying, “You don’t learn anything from a tax return.” After hacking Mitt Romney’s tax returns in 2012, Anonymous clearly believes that knowledge and transparency are important to the public.

The Anonymous attack successfully retrieved 12-years worth of Trump’s tax returns and published them without permission on more than a hundred top websites. The majority of the sites removed the returns within minutes, however it was too late to completely protect the candidate’s already tainted image. We at the Orbson Oracle were able to examine Trump’s 2012 tax return and found that he had good reason to fear its release. Between his shocking tax rate and his bizarre itemized deductions this will surely add to the ever increasing questions as to his suitability to be President.

Trump campaign spokeswoman Katrina Pierson stated last week that “there has been no year in which Trump paid zero taxes”. In 2012, this was true. He earned $37,746,530, far less that the $400+ million he claims. His final tax burden? Trump didn’t pay $0 in taxes, he actually received a tax refund of $7,832,224. That’s right, he cashed in a 7.8-million dollar tax refund. Recently, Trump stated that “I fight like hell to pay as little as possible.” So, how did Trump “earn” a tax refund? According to his return, he had approximately $37,743,000 in itemized deductions. In addition to massive business write-offs for legal fees relating to his fraudulent Trump “University” and fraudulent real estate transactions, Trump had other more unusual deductions.

Trump’s deductions ranged from $118,923 for “Tribble Hair Services” to a $3.8 million dollar write-off for “Anal Bleaching” both listed as an “image expense”. He also made numerous charitable contributions to places like The National Association for the Advancement of White Men and the Trump Fund which provides financial and emotional assistance to wealthy men going through divorce. The Trump family also paid salaries to their numerous employees including, eight chauffeurs, two yacht captains, four pilots for their private jets, two professional dog walkers, one full-time “Tribble stylist” and perhaps most unusual of all a “live-in  Hillary Clinton Impressionist” supposedly used for “debate prep”. Of course given the sordid details revealed about Trump’s “Favorite Fantasy Scenario” in the Ashley Madison hack, he likely has other uses for the unfortunate impressionist.

In addition to his bizarre proclivities, Trump also deducted health related expenses.  These included $1,843,000 for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a condition termed “Pseudologia fantastica” also known as Compulsive Liar Syndrome. Additionally, he claimed $3,141,816 for the treatment of “Extreme Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. The combination of these two psychological issues may explain a lot about Trump’s antics. According to noted Psychiatrist Dr. Bryan King, “Pathological liars seem utterly sincere about their lies, but if confronted with facts to the contrary, will often just as sincerely reverse their story.'' According to Politifact, a news organization that researches the veracity of politician’s statements, only 2% of Trump’s examined statements were found to be completely true. “Add that to the extreme case of N.P.D’, states Dr. King, “and you have a man with a God Complex who will say and do anything without hesitation or remorse.”    

While the 2012 tax return only gives us a brief glimpse into the life of Donald Trump, it is unlikely that the other 12-years worth of returns would have given us his complete financial picture. Given that Trump has several secret tax havens in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda, we will likely never know the extent of his holdings or of the other unorthodox appetites he quenches with that money. However, the Anonymous hack did succeed in giving Americans a better understanding of the Republican candidate.


Photograph of Guy Fawkes Mask courtesy of Anonymous Editor
Photograph of Trump by: Michael Vadon

Obama to Trump: “Perhaps Ignorant Racists Should Wear Special ID Badges Too”

For President Obama, the political correctness gloves have been taken off and placed firmly up Donald Trump’s butt. Without the concern of reelection the President has become increasingly vocal, commenting frequently on the barrage of hate, intolerance and ignorance spewing from conservatives. Thursday was no exception as Obama took to Twitter to respond to an interview in which Trump indicated that a Muslim database and special ID badges that identify Muslims are policies he would consider to fight terrorism:

“We’re going to have to do things that we never did before. And some people are going to be upset about it….  And certain things will be done that we never thought would happen in this country in terms of information and learning about the enemy. And so we’re going to have to do certain things that were frankly unthinkable a year ago.”

President Obama’s epic response may just be his best yet, “@realdonaldtrump Perhaps ignorant racists should wear special ID badges too. I'll have one made up for you.”

Of course the President was also quick to point out that of the 2,000 Syrian refugees the U.S. has taken in thus far, half were children and another quarter were more than 60 years old. Of course facts are not always friendly to conservatives and will likely be met with confused stares followed by the yelling of such things as “Benghazi!” or “Obamacare sucks!” While these are excellent conservative identifiers, the President’s idea still has merit. If you walk into a random store and the owner is proudly wearing his or her “I’m a racist, misogynistic, homophobic, ignorant conservative” badge it might make you rethink your shopping habits.

As for Mr. Trump and those who share his desire to recreate Nazi Germany, in 2010 there were 1,600,000,000 Muslims in the world. Even some of the highest estimates (which are likely fabrications) of 250,000 ISIS militants would only equal 0.016% of the entire Muslim population. In fact, according to the Pew Research Center, there is an extremely high level of disdain for ISIS in Muslim countries. The religion of Islam is not the enemy, extremists are. This is true whether the extremists are Muslims or Christians running for political office using fear and ignorance to scare the masses. So, Mr. Trump if the President offers to have you swing by to pick up your “ignorant racist” badge, I would take him up on it. It’s the only way you’ll be seeing the inside of the White House anytime soon.




unedited photo by: Steve Jurvetson

Fast Food Worker Refuses to Serve Overweight Customers Citing Religious Beliefs

*SaTiRe*
Are you craving a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese? If so, don’t expect to get one at the McDonald’s location in Whitesville, Alabama where Margaret Wheeler is asserting her religious rights by refusing to serve people she sees as gluttonous. Speaking to reporters Wheeler asserted, “Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins and is an affront to the Lord. I cannot go against his teachings and enable people’s sinful lifestyle. If they order too much food, or look like they should not be eating at all, God commands me to not serve them. Proverbs 23:2 says ‘Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.’ I’m helping these people.”

Just as Rowan County, Kentucky clerk Kim Davis has refused to issue marriage licenses to legally entitled gay citizens citing her religious beliefs, Wheeler has likewise turned away a large number of patrons. However, those who have been denied service are not limited to the obese. “She took out the cookies and some of the fries from our kid’s happy meals” spoke Ned Clanders. “We paid full price and she went in and took it out before handing them to us. She said that our children needed more nourishment from God and less from french fries.”

When asked if she is worried about being fired by the fast food chain she responded, “I answer to God’s law and his law alone. This is a free Christian country and when Jesus wrote the Constitution he did so to protect people like me, the servants of God.”

McDonald’s has yet to make a decision on whether to terminate Wheeler’s employment, stating that “There are legal issues at play in this situation that we must weigh carefully. For the time being, we recommend that visitors to this location may want to consider simply going to a different register.” Of course, there is another issue that Wheeler might want to consider. Gluttony is usually described in relation to food, but it is unlikely anything at McDonald’s could actually be considered “food”, at least in the biblical sense of the term. Thus, this whole issue may be a moot point.





Photo by Jon Bunting 

Gallup Poll: 71% of Tea Party members believe Ebola is President Obama’s Birthplace

Tea Party members have often found themselves as punch lines. Not because so many people would like to line them up and punch them, but because there is the perception that they are not that intelligent. Providing further proof of their less than optimal I.Q., Gallup has released a new poll in which they surveyed 2,400 registered Tea Party voters. The end result was that 71% of active Tea Party members believe that Ebola is the country where President Barack Obama was born.

While our initial reaction might be to laugh, it would be wrong to mock members of the Tea Party for something they may have little control over. According to an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Goal Auzeen Saedi, conservative beliefs are directly correlated to I.Q. The lower the I.Q. the more likely the person will be conservative. Saedi points to a 2012 study that demonstrates distinct correlations between racism, homophobia and low I.Q. Essentially, “for those who lack a cognitive ability to grasp [the] complexities of our world, strict-right wing ideologies may be more appealing.”

Therefore, while our initial reaction may be to mock the dumb Tea Partier, or more specifically, the tens of thousands of dumb Tea Partiers, it may be better to show them sympathy. Instead of laughing at them, try giving them a sympathetic smile and in very small words explain to them that the President was born in Hawaii which is a part of the very same country they live in. Then explain that Ebola is an incurable virus that only attacks people who watch Fox News. Hey, we need to have a little fun!



photo by Pargon

Paul Ryan: “Food Stamps are Unnecessary, Trickle-Down Nutrition Works”

Speaking before yesterday’s weekly GOP luncheon at Le Petit Diable, Congressman Paul Ryan spoke about the rampant fraud within SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) and his desire to eliminate the program permanently:

“Last week we cut $8.7 billion from the food stamp program falling well short of the $40 billion cut we requested. As a nation, we need to stop feeding the immorality and stomachs of the these inner-city leeches that use and abuse this program . Good, honest, hard-working people do not use SNAP. They understand that food stamps are unnecessary, because trickle-down nutrition works.”

This is the first time the idea of “trickle-down nutrition” has been presented and when asked about the concept, Ryan replied, “There is a lot of food that goes to waste in this country. Just last night I only finished half of my Roasted Duck with Balsamic Glaze. It was taken back to the kitchen and likely thrown away. That is waste. The wait staff and dishwashers could have eaten it. No need for food stamps and no need for a higher minimum wage. So long as the wealthy are fed well, the scraps will find their way down to the lower classes. I repeat, trickle-down nutrition works!”

Ryan may be right about the inefficacy of the food stamp program. Even though it has been proven that incidents of food stamp fraud are actually lower than other large government programs, it still exists. Now it could be argued that “76% of SNAP households included a child, an elderly person, or a disabled person” and yes those households make up 83% of all SNAP distributed benefits. I’ll even concede that the average gross income of recipients is only $14,648 for a family of three.  What these numbers fail to tell you however is that many of the recipients are simply lazy and can’t be bothered to check the dumpster of the local restaurants for perfectly good food. In fact, there’s no wonder that SNAP breeds fraud. With massive benefits of $1.50 per person per meal you have to ask yourself, does any child really need that much money for food? Sure, the average SNAP family runs out of funds the third week of each month, but that is just because they’re buying luxury foods like milk, vegetables and fruit. If they stuck with Ramen noodles and soda pop they wouldn’t have a problem.

Just like trickle-down economics has created unprecedented wealth and opportunity for the middle class, trickle-down nutrition can feed our nation’s hungry.  Or as Paul Ryan expressed, “If it’s good enough for my dog, it’s good enough for my constituency.”  As for the future of SNAP, if only one person is found abusing the program, clearly the entire thing should be scrapped. Of course by that logic, we may need to take a hard look at Congress next.


The Finale: Can't write about the season finale of How I Met Your Mother without spoilers so instead I will just say "Legen-", "What?!", "Awwwww", "hmmmmm", "Wait for it", "What the Flying F*$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", "dary!" Mondays will not be nearly as funny without this great show.