Gallup Poll: 71% of Tea Party members believe Ebola is President Obama’s Birthplace

Tea Party members have often found themselves as punch lines. Not because so many people would like to line them up and punch them, but because there is the perception that they are not that intelligent. Providing further proof of their less than optimal I.Q., Gallup has released a new poll in which they surveyed 2,400 registered Tea Party voters. The end result was that 71% of active Tea Party members believe that Ebola is the country where President Barack Obama was born.

While our initial reaction might be to laugh, it would be wrong to mock members of the Tea Party for something they may have little control over. According to an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Goal Auzeen Saedi, conservative beliefs are directly correlated to I.Q. The lower the I.Q. the more likely the person will be conservative. Saedi points to a 2012 study that demonstrates distinct correlations between racism, homophobia and low I.Q. Essentially, “for those who lack a cognitive ability to grasp [the] complexities of our world, strict-right wing ideologies may be more appealing.”

Therefore, while our initial reaction may be to mock the dumb Tea Partier, or more specifically, the tens of thousands of dumb Tea Partiers, it may be better to show them sympathy. Instead of laughing at them, try giving them a sympathetic smile and in very small words explain to them that the President was born in Hawaii which is a part of the very same country they live in. Then explain that Ebola is an incurable virus that only attacks people who watch Fox News. Hey, we need to have a little fun!



photo by Pargon

Zoo Animals Gone Wild - Sarah Palin Accuses Zoo of “brainwashing giraffes”

(Today I hit a quarter of a million page views! How do I celebrate? Write a satiric Orb about giraffe sex. For my sixty+ new Facebook friends, don't worry I do write serious satire as well. For the Orbsonites who have been with me a while, hee hee, they don't know what they're in for do they!?)

Threatened by the possibility of becoming completely irrelevant, Sarah Palin has found a new front for her Tea Party attack- zoo animals. This past July, the Palin family visited the Reid Park Zoo in Tucson, Arizona. What began as an enjoyable family outing quickly degraded into what can only be called “giraffe porn”. While gazing at the long-necked creatures, Palin noticed two giraffes engaged in graphic sexual intercourse. According to Palin, “That male giraffe had a two foot long thingy! Well, gee whiz, poor Todd has felt inadequate ever since. It was disgusting. There were children everywhere and the zoo staff did nothing to stop it.” The former Vice Presidential candidate took immediate action and contacted the Zoo’s administrator Rachel McGovern. To Palin’s chagrin, McGovern was unwilling to take action stating, “It is a perfectly natural act by our two male giraffes.” After realizing that she and her family had actually witnessed “gay giraffe porn” Palin became incensed and stormed out of the office.

Palin has since created the Americans for Natural Animals Lobby whose mission is to convince zoos around the country to put a stop to the x-rated activities going on within their parks. She further accused McGovern of “brainwashing the giraffes to make them gay.” In a recent statement Palin suggested ways to curb the animals’ coital tendencies, “Zoos should do everything possible to ensure a wholesome family environment. I’m not an expert but I think some sort of chastity belt could work for the females and maybe some sort of electric collar for the males that would shock ‘em whenever they get excited. They should also look for ways to cure the homosexual animals. It’s not natural.”

The Orbson Oracle contacted Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” center to discover if they would be in charge of “treating” any gay animals that Palin’s organization discovers, but they refused to answer our questions. However, after significant research at a Pray Away the Stupid Center, also known as a library, we have discovered that not only do most zoos encourage intimate relations between animals, but homosexuality in the animal kingdom is considered a perfectly natural phenomenon. "Homosexuality has been observed in more than 1,500 species” says Petter Bockman, project coordinator of the “Against Nature?” display at the University of Oslo’s Natural History Museum. The article’s author also notes that, “homosexual activity among giraffes is, in many cases, more common than heterosexual activity.” National Geographic concurs stating, “The bonobo, an African ape closely related to humans, has an even bigger sexual appetite. Studies suggest 75 percent of bonobo sex is nonreproductive and that nearly all bonobos are bisexual.” Many zoos also encourage their heterosexual animals to mate in order to perpetuate the species. In fact, some Chinese zoos are actually bringing in TV sets to show pandas “panda porn” in order to increase their sex drive in hopes of saving the species.

Since these are facts based on scientific research, they will likely be ignored by Palin and her fellow Tea Partiers. As for zoo administrators, they will likely do what most intelligent Americans do and simply ignore Sarah Palin.

*UPDATE* In related news, The Boy Scouts of America released a statement today stating that, “While the B.S.A. does not proactively inquire about the sexual orientation of zoo animals, the Boy Scouts of America believes that homosexual conduct amongst zoo animals is inconsistent with the obligations in the Scout Oath and Law to be morally straight and clean in thought, word, and deed. Therefore, our scouts, volunteers and administrators will no longer be permitted to visit zoos known to have homosexual animals.” For more on B.S.A. discriminatory policies, click here.

The Age of Absolutes

Conservatives deal in absolutes: You must never raise taxes. You must cut the debt. You must have a small government. You must not get caught in the men’s room getting a blowjob from your “friend” José. The problem with absolutes is that they leave no room for intelligent decision making. True intelligence is not latching on to one ideology and riding it off of a cliff. It is a never-ending journey of educating yourself and creating strategies based on all of the data you obtain. The failure of people to see beyond their own front doors and realize that other ideas have value is one of the fundamental reasons our country is a verifiable toilet bowl of crazy people.

I pondered these notions as I considered one of the more popular waves of hate spewed by the Teabaggers. Many seem to believe that government aid programs like food stamps and welfare are only used by people who do not want to work. That essentially, these people are lazy and a burden to our society. Whenever I hear this it makes me sick. I grew up in a low-income area with a single mother who worked two and sometimes three jobs to get us by. A few years ago, she was permanently laid off from her company. A company she had dedicated 30 years of her life and had received multiple commendations for exceptional work. She never made much money, but she worked hard. She looked for other employment, but Michigan was (and still is) in a depression and there were no jobs. She spoke with one employer who told her that he had received 300 applications for a part-time gas station attendant for the midnight shift. Yes, some people probably take advantage of the system however, that is a problem of enforcement. The fact is that in Orbson’s world when someone falls, you pick them up. What type of society do we want to be? One that turns our backs on our neighbors, or one that will try to help each other thrive? In the end, helping them thrive will be far more beneficial economically and morally.

To illustrate my point further, here are two conflicting stories:

The Teabagger Story of John and Mary

John and Mary live in a $250,000 house in a nice suburb in southeast Michigan. They both work fulltime and earn a combine $75,000 per year. They are in a “debt crisis”. Oh no, what should they do?! Well, the Teabaggers say, “Gee whiz John and Mary. You have been spending way too much. It may be time to tighten your belts.” So John and Mary look at their budget and find that by trading in one their Lexus SUVs for an Audi, getting rid of HBO, taking out a small loan against their house to pay off their credit cards and setting the thermostat to 74 during the day instead of 71, they can balance their budget and live happily ever after. The Teabaggers celebrate! Yippeee!


Unfortunately, reality is a little different:

The True Orbsonwood Story of John and Mary

John and Mary live in a house they paid $250,000 for but due to the economy is now only worth $140,000. They still owe $210,000 on their mortgage so selling is not an option. Mary lost her job when her company outsourced her position. Even with a Master’s degree she has been unable to find full time employment because there are no jobs. John was forced to take a pay cut this past year and now their combined annual income is $30,000. They have sold all but one of their vehicles and now drive around in an 8-year old Toyota Corolla that needs repairs. They have cancelled cable, entertainment, date nights and Christmas but are barely scraping by on John’s salary and credit cards. Their total debt grows rapidly with no end in sight. Unfortunately, John slips and falls on the sidewalk and injures his back. The medical bills mount quickly. They try to collect food stamps but are turned down because they “make too much money”. They sell clothes and heirlooms on Ebay, but are finally forced to declare bankruptcy. John and Mary lose their house to foreclosure and are forced to move in with John’s parents after John loses his job due to too many sick days after his accident. They apply for welfare. The Teabaggers and those suffering SUVitis call John and Mary “lazy” and a “drain on good hard working people.” Welcome to the new America.

The moral of these stories is simple. There is a major disconnect between conservatives and the rest of the people in this country. Many of the well-off do not know what it is like to be poor or to struggle to live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t condemn them for their good fortune; however I despise them for their lack of empathy. There are millions of people like John and Mary. However, the Teabaggers of the world don’t see it. They put on their silly hats and talk about how “Tyrone and LaQuisha” are lazy criminals.

Orbson sees a world where the “government of the people” gives a helping hand to people like John and Mary and Tyrone and LaQuisha. Not just a simple handout, but the tools to change their futures for the better. Programs like job retraining and a volunteer requirement to receive aid can better the nation while putting the couples into a position to pay into the tax system later. Invest now to see results later. You can’t do that without government. You can’t do that without taxes. You can’t do that without empathy. In the end, the only "absolultes" Orbson Rice supports is compassion and vodka.


Orbson on the News: Christine O'Donnell walks off of her interview with CNN's Piers Morgan after Morgan has the audacity to expect her to answer questions. I'm on the Teabag Witch's side on this one. Nobody should ever expect Christine O'Donnell to be able to answer a question. It's like asking a sheep to do calculus - it just stares at you.

Every Time a Republican Speaks a Puppy Dies.

Why is it that I cannot turn on the national news without seeing some SUV driving, conservative douche bag demanding an end to new taxes? Help me out here; I am really trying to understand. I can see the argument that the federal government is wasting our tax dollars on stupid programs such as corn subsidies or those pesky pennies. I can even understand an argument that the middle and lower classes are already paying more than they can afford. What I cannot understand is why anyone making under $250,000 per year would be opposed to raising taxes on corporations and the super-wealthy. The Democrats are not even asking for much. All they ask is that corporations pay the same tax percentage as they did back in the 90’s. That’s twenty years ago! Now I have not seen the latest census numbers but I am guessing that 45% of this country does not make over $250,000. Seriously, do these people even understand who they are fighting for?

Orbsonites, let me lay down a little knowledge that most of you already know. There is a great myth perpetrated by the wealthy corporations and bought into by Republicans. This myth says that the wealthier a corporation is the more jobs they will create for the average person. This conservative fantasy is called “Trickle Down Economics” and has been used to keep the sheep bending over for decades. As fantasies go, this one ranks right up there with a pygmy goat, a bucket of lube and copy of “Busty Ballet Dancers”. Completely illogical!* A corporation is responsible to its shareholders to make them as much profit as possible. If you are willing to pay $4 a gallon for gas, then they will charge $4. They have no obligation to do anything else. One of the many methods that corporations have implemented to maximize profits is to hire a majority of their labor force overseas. Great for profits, not so good for the average American family. As an economic theory, Trickle Down Economics is failing miserably. Profits are at an all time high while unemployment soars.

Of course the Great and Powerful Orbson would not dare rant without offering some common-sense suggestions. I won’t get into the tax code as I have written on that before. Today, I’ll stick to controlling the corporate monster. Many Republicans want you to believe that everything from Social Security to public education should be corporate-run. I don’t know about you, but I think some programs should never be run for profit. The Teabaggers argue vehemently against big government. However, I think that the government should serve and protect its citizens. This means creating hard-line banking regulations, not taking donations from corporations whose fate you will be deciding, and not giving tax breaks to companies who are not giving back full value. If a corporation has their call centers in India, they should pay more taxes here. Simple, right? Corporations are like teenagers. If you let them choose, they’ll always take the sports car. We need to step up and say “look we love you, but you’re taking the Ford Focus and if you break it, you’re grounded”.


*While this particular fantasy is illogical to me, I in no way condemn anyone who engages in said fantasy so long as the pygmy goat is a consensual participant. Also, should you actually find a publication called Busty Ballet Dancers you can email me at orbsonrice@gmail.com.


Yo Asshole Said Whhaaaaaat??? House Speaker John Boehner told Republicans to “Get your ass in line” after many expressed concern over his latest debt ceiling proposal. Finally, the truth comes out. Follow Republican leadership and get FUCKED!

Orbson At the Movies: I will NOT be seeing Transformers 3 because my favorite robot, Megan Fox, isn’t in it. Anyway, after T2 I don’t think I can take another bout of “who's fighting who”. Seriously, it was like watching CSPAN – a bunch of mindless drones yakking nonsense at each other. Though it was fun watching Michelle Bachmann transform into a hot air balloon.

Note to my Disciples: Yes, another political blog. However, as my page views jumped 300% the last two days, I am thinking people like them. For those of you looking for some brilliant laid back Orbson commentary, don't fret, I am working on some new material that will surely be gut-busting.


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If Obama Wants My Vote…

In November of 2008, I visited my local voting site and placed my vote for Barack Obama. This was not a difficult choice. I had heard Barack speak a few years earlier and knew he was the right one to lead us out of the horrific George W. Bush era. I stayed awake late into the night as the results streamed in. Finally, it was announced, the United States had elected its first black President. I am not ashamed to admit that I shed a tear. I believed that the American people had finally understood the damage that Republicans inflicted on our country. I believed that Obama could lead us into a better world.

Fast forward to the present. Our country could not be more deeply divided. We waste time over frivolous issues and our President has seemingly lost his spunk. We are already discussing the 2012 election and I feel the need to stand up with all of my Orbson might and state, “Mr. President, I appreciate the many positive changes I have seen under your administration. However, with all respect, I must insist that you please grow a larger set of testicles.”

Here is Orbson’s open letter to President Barack Obama:

Mr. President,

In 2012, I will vote for you again. I will do so because there is no other option for a liberal like myself. If there were a viable option however, I would consider switching. On the campaign trail you spoke with vigor and determination. You did not veil your contempt for conservative politics and you won your election on the backs of liberals. Now, I believe you have become politicized; another victim of the D.C. disease that turns idealists into egotists. Your desire to be reelected has blinded you from the truth. The truth is that a large percentage of this country will never vote for you. They despise you because you are a democrat, because you are liberal on social issues and yes in some cases because you are black. The rest of us will vote for you because we know that you are our best hope for change. Please put the election aside and start fighting for what is right.

In 2008 you won because of your words. I know the power of words. They can be used to create a revolution or to quell a riot. I know you are handcuffed legislatively, but you still have your words and the support of those who stand by you. To guarantee my vote, please take a risk. Not a small risk, like walking out of a debt ceiling meeting, but a huge risk. Stand up in front of the American people (preferably on some popular talk show so people will actually watch) and tell us again what you believe in. There is too much corruption in out government. There is too much hate and intolerance among our people. We have lost sight of that which makes the essence of a great nation – education, compassion and peace. We the people have made you our leader, our voice. If you want to bring tears to my eyes again, you will put reelection aside and use those words again. Tell this country that gay marriage should be legal everywhere – that we do not legislate love. Explain to your people that education and health care should be such a basic human right that they should be included in our Constitution. Show them that under Republican control, the rich get richer and everyone else suffers. Tell them that we need to stop focusing overseas and start working here at home. We are no longer a great nation, we are mediocre and that is not acceptable. Most of all, stop trying to compromise with people who are not willing to meet you half way. You sold out on health care, you are selling out on the debt ceiling. While I understand, I do not agree. You have our support. Fight. If you lose, at least you will know that you went down fighting for what you believe in. I would rather fall fighting for what I believe in, then stand for something I don’t. Mr. President, you have one chance to affect change, use your podium and you will be remembered. Fail and my tears will be born from sadness.

Orbson Rice




Orbson’s Quick Fix: Orbson has come up with a simple way to solve the budget crisis and make everyone happy. Teabaggers, you don’t want to pay taxes. Okay, from now on you don’t have to. Any citizen can opt out of paying taxes. Of course, that means you won’t have access to public schools, health care, Social Security, Medicare, fire and police departments, the Post Office, unemployment insurance, workers compensation, a minimum wage, roads, etc. You win, congratulations!

Orbson Tweets: “I think my Facebook page is run by conservatives. An advertisement for ‘vasectomy services’ keeps popping up.” Check out my Twitter feed at www.twitter.com/orbsonrice

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