This December, Senator Rand Paul will answer critics and prove his writing prowess by releasing his first children’s book “Barry Trotter and the Sorcerer’s Bone”. The presidential hopeful has been besieged this week by reports of widespread plagiarism. According to Paul, the criticism “annoys the hell out of me” and suggested he would take extreme action “if dueling were legal in Kentucky”. Ultimately Paul decided that murdering those who caught him cheating may not be the best way to garner political favor and instead decided to demonstrate his writing ability by penning a book. “I thought to myself” proclaimed Paul, “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country. I believe this is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done.”
Paul wrote “Barry Trotter and the Sorcerer’s Bone” in just 3 days and describes it as a “modern day tragedy where three children- Barry, Harmony and Don are tricked into siding with a socialist government against the hero Lord Boldemort. Continues Paul, “I wanted to create a hero who could really speak to our current plight. Boldemort, through hard work and determination becomes the most powerful wizard on the planet. As he reaches his goals, the government, known as the Ministry of Magic, swoops in and says he can only use certain types of magic. They also create laws protecting non-magical people or ‘nuggles’, even though these nuggles bring no value to society. On the side of the villains is Professor Dumbledork, whose hippy-liberal propaganda is destroying the Dogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”
The announcement of Senator Paul’s book has sparked interest in literary circles and political pundits alike. We will see whether Paul’s effort will compensate for the multiple times he flagrantly passed the work of others as his own. “Barry Trotter and the Sorcerer’s Bone” is scheduled to be released in hardcover format on December 5, just in time for the holiday season.
I have been watching a lot of zombie television lately- The Walking Dead, Night of the Living Dead and of course the Republican debates. The Walking Dead is a ridiculously good show but I can’t help but think the characters are lacking in some basic common sense zombie survival skills. Since Orbson Rice is the King of Common Sense it only makes sense to share with you my sure-fired ways to survive a zombie attack.
1. Rambo Up: The majority of the people are now mindless zombies. You may not have noticed the change if you live in suburbia but trust me, now is NOT the time for non-violence. If you’re a liberal like me, this will be difficult. However, it is time to Rambo up. The characters on The Walking Dead constantly walk past abandoned military posts with M-90 machine guns just sitting there. Take them, attach them to your Prius and create your own path to safety. Also, it is time to reward your inner geek and find yourself a sword. With no sound and no ammo, they can slice and dice zombies without drawing attention. Want to take them out from a distance? Get a crossbow.
2. Do NOT go INTO the big city: Look, if everyone has turned into a zombie you don’t want to walk into zombiepalooza. Stick to small towns. Better yet, find a big boat and live on the water. You can fish for food and make occasional runs to small towns for supplies. Hey, maybe you can even find a nice tropical island to retire to. Just make sure you bring someone hot to help propagate the species. If you must go into the big city, don’t act all surprised when you suddenly find yourself being chased by a couple of million zombies.
3. Play Marco Polo: Zombies don’t hide, they just keep attacking. When exploring a building, don’t creep from room to room waiting for the zombie to jump out at you. Stand at the front door and yell “Hey zombie come on out and eat me”. Then wait until it comes out and kill it. You may be tempted to mock slow moving zombies. Do not do this, there is almost always another one nearby.
4. Stop flaunting your hotness: Zombies can infect you by biting or scratching. Unlike TV where it is better to flaunt your sexy body, in a real zombie attack it is prudent to cover up. I am not talking about 15th century armor, though that would be effective. Consider looting some Kevlar body armor. That way you are not turned into the undead by some random scratch on your arm.
5. The Paris Hilton Defense: If you’re like me, carrying a Chihuahua in a purse is one of the more stupid things you could do. However, if you’re running away from a horde of zombies, the Paris Hilton Defense could save your life. Are they gaining on you? Need to slow them down? Then chuck your Chihuahua grenade into the horde of zombies and run while little Pepé distracts the undead with his salty flesh.
6. Getting Bit: If you get bit, don’t wait around until you change and hurt one of your traveling companions. You’re done, go out with a bang. Find a bottle of Dom, set your IPOD to Muse’s “Uprising”, grand a couple grenades or some C4 and stroll into one of those big cities. Get into the middle of a big group of the monsters, take a swig and say whatever lame catch phrase comes to mind. I have always been fond of “yippee kay aye mother fuckers!”
If you follow these basic guidelines your chance of survival will increase dramatically. However, in the case of a true zombie apocalypse that may not be a good thing.
Random Thoughts: Why are there so many freakin versions of movies these days? I went online to order the most recent Harry Potter and there were a ton of options: DVD, Blu Ray, DVD+Blu Ray, DVD+Blu Ray+UltraViolet, 3D. Finally I had enough and just ordered the Super Special Ultimate Unlimited Edition. This includes all of the above formats plus former famous child actors will come to your house to act out the movie in mime. Next Saturday I will be enjoying Harry Potter Brady Bunch style!
As an avid reader, I find any talk of censorship to be truly appalling. Every year the American Library Association reviews challenges from across the United States on a wide variety of “offensive books”. The most recent publicized attempt at censorship occurred in that liberal Mecca we call Republic, Missouri. Republic High School’s School Board removed Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s, Slaughterhouse-Five and Sarah Ockler’s, Twenty Boy Summer from the school’s library because of such things as sexually explicit content, violence and profanity. Roberta Combs, president of Christian Coalition of America (no I did not make that up) stated, "That's not what our kids should be reading and learning.” Combs, who for the sake of clarity I will now refer to as “That Right Wing Psycho Religious Bitch Freak from Hell” is the same woman who tried to ban the Harry Potter Series and considered a ban on the Twilight Series. "These Twilight books are very disturbing books for family values. Teen marriage is not the standard, but the part that is more troubling is the vampire. It's just not normal for young people to idolize a vampire." I’m not convinced though. If people can’t idolize a cold, heartless, soulless monster, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin would have never become famous.
The ability of public schools to restrict access of certain books in their libraries has long been a contentious issue. U.S. Supreme Court Justice William Brennan, in Texas v. Johnson stated, “If there is a bedrock principle underlying the First Amendment, it is that the Government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable.” As Orbson Rice, I find this particular decision very useful. It gives me the freedom to randomly say obscene stuff like fuck you Republicans, pussylicker, and anal lube. However, as it comes to public schools it becomes more complex. In Island Trees School District v. Pico By Pico, Justice Brennan, in a plurality decision stated, “…we hold that local school boards may not remove books from school library shelves simply because they dislike the ideas contained in those books….” In the dissenting opinion, Justice O’Conner points out the obvious problems involved in having a court decide what the motivations are for a school board’s choice to remove a book. Personally, I think Orbson Rice should decide what students should or should not read.
Look, the ability to learn would be severely limited if the only books that are taught are the ones that never cross into the realm of vulgarity and obscenity. If I walked up to a bookshelf and removed everything that had violence, sexuality, profanity, vampires, magic or anything that someone somewhere might find offensive, there would be very little of substance left. Heck, even the Bible featured Jesus the Zombie. How is a teacher supposed to explain the horrors of the Holocaust without detailing the graphic atrocities endured by millions of people? How do you read books on the Civil War without any reference to violence? How do you discuss a teenager coming of age without referencing the changes and urges that teenagers feel? When you ignore the truths of the world you can never truly understand or empathize with anyone different from you. You don’t even really understand yourself. You end up becoming the worse kind of conservative- stupid and blind.
I believe in learning as much as you possibly can. That often means looking at the corners which are not all sunshine and puppies. Recently, NewSouth Books published a version of Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn in which the word “nigger” was replaced with “slave”. There is no question about the negativity and racism associated with the “n” word. However, the 1800’s were not all about love and tolerance. Art, literature and music are reflections of the times they were created. We must embrace the good and the bad to truly understand where we have been, where we are now and where we hope to be in the future. We should not change literature to fit with current morals; we should study, discuss and learn from those exchanges. By the way, changing Mark Twain’s works is even more preposterous when you realize that Twain was an avid supporter of equal rights for everyone.
We are supposed to live in a free and democratic nation, not a democratic Christian nation. We cannot allow the opinions of a few to dictate the education offered in public schools. If parents want to minimize the impact of “offensive” materials they always have the option of attending private religious schools. In the meantime, it is the parent’s responsibility and not the school’s to monitor their child’s reading lists for books they find “offensive”. Then, they can do one of two things. First, they can explain their issue to the teacher and ask them to excuse the student from those lessons and assign a different book for him or her to read. I don’t support this method of “teaching”, but I do support the right of the parent to act according to their own belief system. The second and better option is to read the book along with the student and thoroughly discuss the issues the parent(s) have with the book. What they should not do is try to impose their views on every child in that school and every parent in that community by trying to ban the book.
Censorship is a very real issue. In 2010-2011 thus far, Anne Frank: the Diary of A Young Girl, The Hunger Games and The Catcher in the Rye, along with hundreds of other books have been challenged and/or banned. Some of the other more commonly challenged books include such titles as Nineteen Eighty-Four, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, For Whom the Bell Tolls, Gone With the Wind, Goosebumps Series, Harry Potter Series, Of Mice and Men, The Outsiders, To Kill a Mockingbird, Ulysses and Judy Blume’s, Are You There God it’s Me Margaret. As the new school year begins, the list of challenged and banned books will skyrocket. I for one, won’t be waiting until Banned Book Week to grab the nearest banned book and start reading.
Orbson Online: I just found a pretty cool website. Not sure if they are true stories but definitely inspirational. They are also very short for those with Attention Deficit Disorder: www.makesmethink.com
The announcement of the demise of Borders Group sent a jolt of celebration through the Republican Party on Sunday as conservatives watched one of their biggest obstacles fall. Borders, the nation’s second largest bookseller, announced that it will be closing all 399 stores, firing their 10,700 employees and liquidating all of its assets. Considered a huge defeat for the Democratic Party and a possible turning point in the 2012 Presidential Election, Republican’s held celebratory rallies throughout the country. Speaking from outside his plantation, Mississippi Congressman Roy Enbreider expressed his excitement, “Finally, one of the great arms of the liberal monster has been cut off. No longer will the trite nonsense that liberals call facts be spread to the public. Books lead to divisiveness. We must put our faith in the Lord and let him guide us to the truth. Books, science, facts, these are all instruments of the devil, sent here to test our faith. No more! Today we celebrate a huge victory. We have overcome!”
Enbreider and the rest of the Republican Party may be right to celebrate. Leading into the 2008 election, a Gallup Poll found that registered voters with a Post Graduate were significantly more likely to vote for Barrack Obama. On the other hand, voters with only a high school education or less were more likely to vote for John McCain. If this trend continues, it behooves the Republican Party to minimize the amount of education available to the general public. Apparently, the smarter a person is, the less likely they will vote Republican. Certainly, the closing of the second largest bookseller is a positive step in that direction.
Conservatives are not only excited about the lack of education available to the public, but also the diminishing number of “devil books” such as the popular Harry Potter Series and the Hunger Games Trilogy. Evelyn Rothchild, President of “Ban Items that are Toxic to Christian Homes” or B.I.T.C.H. states, “For years we have been burning these instruments of Satan only to find them restocked the very next day. There is no place in a good Christian home for atrocities like magic, fantasy and rebellion. There is no place for ‘Science’, which is a fiction worse than any other. This is a glorious day, for a great evil has been purged. There is still much work to be done, but today we celebrate.”
Of course conservatives are not taking credit for the Borders Group downfall. Political analysts, Avery Wahns Toopad explains, “The Republican Party has essentially won the lottery with the announcement of Border’s demise. Not only do they strike a major victory in the education battle, but they are actually blaming President Obama for the Borders outcome. Of course Obama had nothing to do with it; Borders had ridiculously poor management that was constantly behind the changing technological climate. However, as most Republicans do not have the capacity to decipher the reasons why a company might fail, they simply blame the President.”
As we approach the 2012 Presidential Election, the true fallout of the liquidation of Borders will become apparent. Until then Republican leaders should sleep a little better knowing that the U.S. just got a little dumber.
Okay, after the Debt Ceiling blog, I really need to embrace my whimsical side. So I have decided to allow you to enter into the darkest recesses of my mind and explore Orbson’s most embarrassing secrets. You know the types of secrets I mean. You’re at a party and have no problem commenting on your fondness for Adele’s unique voice. However, when you’re in your car alone you’re jamming to Britney Spears’ “Hold it Against Me”. I personally have an eclectic taste in music with something like 6,800 tracks on my IPOD including both Adele and Britney. I have everything from classical to heavy metal and even a few “unable to classify” albums thrown in. However, my darkest secrets in music are far worse than Britney:
First CD I ever bought – Tiffany. I would love to say I only bought it because I was a teenager and she was gorgeous but that doesn’t explain why I still know all of the words to “I Think We’re Alone Now” and “Could’ve Been”.
Most embarrassing album on my IPOD – There are many contenders but I think my collection of various Disney songs probably wins. The fact that even though I have not listened to it in years I still know all of the songs by heart is deeply disturbing. “We are Siamese if you please… meow…” 10 points if you know what movie this is from. I do.
Currently blushing on – Oh God, this one really hurts. Okay, deep breath. “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus. Please stop, I can already feel the condemnation gushing out of you, through the Internet and all over my pretty blog. I have no idea what else she sings, but that song is freakin catchy. Oh yeah, I like Avril Lavigne too. She is not nearly as embarrassing as Miley but is probably worthy of an honorable mention.
Okay, time to move on to books. Well, I am not sure it is that embarrassing but I have a thing for young adult novels. Lately I have been finding the stories more compelling the literature geared to an older audience. Instead of spending four pages describing the chair they are sitting on, I actually get a good story. Hunger Games, Divergent, Fault in our Stars. Winning.
When I am not reading about sparkling teenage vampires, I’m watching movies and TV shows. I could come up with dozens of example of just how “off” I am in this genre but I had to narrow it down to a few: The Cutting Edge – one of the greatest movies of all time. Make it or Break it – An ABC Family channel show about gymnastics. Glee- Oh wait, Glee is not embarrassing it is just AWESOME. Love Actually - My second favorite movie of all time. Moulin Rouge – I know it was nominated for Best Picture but when I tell people it is my #1 favorite movie of all time they tend to get that judgmental look in their eyes. It could be because 6 foot 4 guys who look like football players probably shouldn’t be found singing and dancing to “Elephant Love Medley”. But hey, I am totally comfortable being me. Finally, it is worth noting that Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, The O.C. and Ghost Whisperer make up an entire shelf of my DVD collection.
The moral of this blog is this: You are reading words that are written by a freak. If you like these words then you too may be a freak. Don’t fret, there is plenty of room in the club and we have a lot more fun than the boring people. We even have balloons and cake! I know this is a brand new blog and I have all of three readers thus far but I’d be curious to know what dark secret interests you are hiding. Is Howard The Duck your favorite movie? Do you go gaga for Justin Beiber? A Teletubby fetish? Come on and fess us up boys and girls, cuz it’s share time!
That’s all for now, gotta run and listen to Harry Potter on my IPOD.
Just finished reading: “Thr3e” by Ted Dekker. An entertaining summer read. Fast paced, with an intricately woven plot. Won’t be studied in schools 100 years from now, but is definitely good for a summer’s day. I give it 4 out of 5 stars.
New Word in My Vocabulary: “Trending” not sure how long it has been around, but it is everywhere now. You might say that “trending” is now trending. Hmm, I hope Orbson Rice will be trending soon.
