2012: The Year of the Orb

Good morning Orbsonites and Happy New Year! Yes it is a couple of days late. That should tell you just how much fun I had on New Year’s Eve. Let’s see, it started out with 3 bottles of tequila, 2 packages of Twinkies and a pygmy goat named Seymour. But wait! I’ve been ordered by the court not to tell that story. Hmm, well instead of looking back I think I will gaze into the future. As I listen to my Ipod, I am wondering what will 2012 hold for Orbson and his friends?

January: My Detroit Lions are in the playoffs! Fuck! The world really is going to end this year. That will definitely affect my plans for the next 11 months. After watching my Leos steal the “Big Easy” nickname from New Orleans by losing by an embarrassing 94 points, I will put my entire focus on my two New Year’s Resolutions – FINISH MY BOOK and (like everyone else) GET IN SHAPE. But wait! The world is ending so instead I am going to play Skyrim until my hands bleed and eat more of those damn Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookies Mrs. Orbson bought. Bring on Armageddon. (why do I have so much Brittany Spears on this thing)

February: I hate February. Well, except when I lived in Tucson where every day was like a sloppy bj. The second month of the year is horrendous here. It is colder, drearier and more miserable than Michele Bachmann’s marriage (probably my last reference to Bachmann for a while since she is out of the race- sad day). In February, I think I will plan a vacation. Hey if the world is going to end there is no need for a savings account. Hawaii here I come. (Jar of Hearts is a really good song. Unless you were the guy that screwed her over. Then it sucks.)

March: Back in hell and glad to be there. I am missing Skyrim more that I thought and have a nasty jellyfish sting on my pecker. Sure, skinny dipping in Hawaii is lots of fun, but nobody wants to look down in terror at a jelly fish hanging from his willy. Nobody. Speaking of dicks, the Republicans should have another 5 or 6 new candidates to make fun of. (A little Flo Rida and a little more “put your hands up”. Enough! I declare 2012 to be the year of putting your hands down!)

April: My birthday! Since I am Orbson, God of Words, I may as well make the whole month my Birthday instead of just the 25th day. Really I think everyone should do this. There are too many days that we don’t celebrate. Give yourself a treat and celebrate for your whole birthday month. April needs a holiday anyway. Celebrating nailing somebody to a cross, the guy dying and then having a 6-foot tall rabbit hide eggs just seems weird. (yes Taio Cruz, it really is Dynamite. At least right now. In about 4 months I will probably hate this song.)

May: The weather is finally nice. Quick, enjoy it for the 4 hours it is here. Damn, I was still playing Skyrim and missed the window. Does this game ever end? It has been a fairly quiet year thus far so I am guessing we’ll have another major natural disaster. Glad I went to Hawaii, because now it is under water. This may be my fault as my deity friends overheard some post-jellyfish ranting about the island state. That would make more sense than global warming. Oops sorry, my bad. (Offspring’s lyrics “dance, fucker dance…” makes me giggle. Mrs. Orbson sings this all the time. She never swears so it’s hilarious when she does. Now every time I hear this I can’t help but crack up.”

June: The summer is here and my fucking apartment complex does not have central air for these 100 degree+ days. One tiny air conditioner faces a wall not more than 8-feet away. I want to punch the owners but I’m too hot too move. Unfortunately I finally beat Skyrim. I did this by taking the game, breaking it in little pieces, putting it in the toilet, taking a dump and then flushing. Later that night I go to Walmart and buy another copy. I hate myself. (I think Katy Perry’s E.T. may be taking about sex with aliens. Ironically, this will be possible in Nevada this year when the first Sci-Fi themed brothel opens up. I have dibs on Inara Serra from Firefly.)

July- December will come tomorrow. A year is too much for one little blog. By the way, it is now 4AM and I don’t feel like editing this. So if you are one of those people (as I am) who notices that type of thing, don’t worry I did it intentionally. Now can you figure out why?


Quote of the moment:
"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now." -B.o.B. with Hayley Williams (Airplanes)

Munching on Mr. Ed and Other Signs of the Apocalypse

Over the past few weeks my inner Orbson has been a broken menagerie of thoughts, ideas and general pessimism about the state of everything. I have researched and prepped multiple entries for the Oracle but have been unable to adequately and eloquently express just how fracked up (yes my fellow geeks, I just made a Battlestar reference) our world has become. Yes, the unicorn’s horn has been broken (If you understand this reference you are my hero). Then today I realized that I have been muzzling my voice. I think I have been concerned too much with audience and not enough with truth. That is what the Oracle is supposed to be - provocative, racy, undeniably bold and most of all truthful. What I write may not always be right, but it should always be a reflection of my mind on that day. I will try to remember this moving forward. Sometimes walls can begin to rebuild and occasionally it is prudent to take a sledgehammer to them. Therefore, with the walls removed, I shall take you on a brief glimpse into a few of my thoughts over this pass week.

I’ll Have a Double Mr Ed with Cheese:

As this country collapses around us, Congress has decided that now is a great time to end the ban on the consumption of horses. Slaughterhouses are expected to be built and operational within a month (frackin’ blood-sucking leeches). The cost to the federal government? $3-5 million dollars (for inspectors). How is it paid for? Nobody knows. You see the economy is bad, so the rich people have to decide whether to sell their yacht or keep their horses. You guessed it. The Human Society has been seeing a lot of abandoned horses on their front step lately. That’s right, the poor horses that have “outlived their usefulness” will now be the ingredients in your next cheeseburger. Though if we use “usefulness” to identify new food sources than we can probably be expecting a rush order on Limbaugh sandwiches any day now. Regardless how you feel about consuming horses (or idiots), the meat industry in this country does horrific things to animals. Find out where your meat comes from. Look for organic grass-fed beef. Unless you are a vegetarian (if so, please teach me how) you want free roaming healthy animals that have been fed the right foods and not injected with a ton of drugs. Respect the animal. Demand change.

No God, No Turkey Mr. President:

President Obama’s Thanksgiving address did not include the word “God”. Of course there has been a rather large outcry from many in the media reproving the President for this serious lapse. Seriously Mr. Prez, how can you not thank God for allowing the genocide of a race of indigenous people so that we can have IPADs today? Look Bible-thumpers, this is a free frackin’ country not a free Christian country. God has no place in government. Get it off of our money, get it out of our public schools and get it off of our politician’s mouths. In God we trust? Well, I DO NOT trust your God! I trust in morality. I trust in right and wrong. Until you treat everyone equally, until you take care of those less fortunate, until you get your heads out of your asses and start thinking of people other than yourself, then your God can kiss my frackin’ ass (I did warn you I took a sledgehammer to those walls. At this point you can only blame yourself).

Not So Super Congress:

Speaking of Congress, guess what?! Super Congress failed to come up with any semblance of a plan to balance the budget and create a fair tax system. Don’t worry though, after some tense moments they’ll pass another 6-month plan along with the creation of the new Super-Duper Congress which will do what the Super Congress could not. I mean seriously, how could this possibly fail? It includes the word “Duper”! Look Congress, we’re not stupid. This is political grandstanding. You’re waiting until after the next election and hoping your guy will be in office so you can put through your plan and Obama can’t take credit. In the meantime, this country is starting to make Mexico look like a viable alternative. Republicans, I have a secret for you. In 2012 you are going to LOSE!!! I wouldn’t elect any of your candidates to the position of President of Wiping My Ass and the majority of this country feels the same way. So forget the election and try to get something accomplished today.

Ndamakong Suh and Stompgate:

Sometimes being a Detroit Lions fan makes me want to run naked through a field of thorns while pouring lemon juice all over my body. Last Thursday, Lions defensive tackle Ndamakong Suh stomped on Green Bay offensive lineman Evan Dietrich Smith. No, not a good stomp; an after the whistle I would like to put my boot through your pelvis stomp. The result? A two game suspension. Add in a rash of injuries and the 2nd hardest remaining schedule in the NFL and my Lions are probably done. After 600 years they were finally going to make the playoffs and now I’ll be stuck watching another Packers-Patriots Super Bowl.

Oracle Update:

So I allowed Free Wood Post to publish one of my earlier works (the Grand Canyon theme park entry) and in 48-hours it was viewed over 500 times and shared numerous times across Facebook. That makes me so happy I could stomp on a Packer. Of course then I read the comments people made on the article’s Facebook post. The vast majority of them said things like “Really?!!!” and “No Way!!!!” Now remember, this was an article about a Christian group called Jesus Loves Corporations that successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement to create the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park an Gun Range”. Most of the commenters thought it was a real story. I weep for humanity.

Mich-again?

I click, I wait, I wait some more, I grab a sandwich, I wait, I watch Sportcenter, hey my webpage has finally loaded. Welcome to my grandmother's computer. Needless to say, I did not have the requisite eighteen months to compose new and exciting entries for you. I am very much looking forward to Tuesday when I can cram myself into the smallest airline seat Delta can find and immerse myself in the intoxicating aroma of eight gallons of perfume from the woman sitting next to me. Soon I will be home. In the meantime, I am writing from my hometown, the not to great state of Michigan.

Michigan is like that beautiful cheerleader from high school. She was once the "pink of perfection" but has since become the chain-smoking mother of eight who thinks dining at Denny's is the fancy night out. Unfortunately, a lot of my family and friends still live there, hence my yearly trip into the pothole infested Mecca. Still, there are a few good things about my home state. Who knows how long they will last, but for now I am grateful for the Lions, Tigers, Redwings and the Detroit Institute of the Arts. I actually visited the D.I.A. yesterday and was pleasantly surprised just how good of a museum is was. Driving up to it I thought I was in a post-apocalyptic movie made up of abandoned buildings, homeless people and very bad drivers. However, upon entering the D.I.A. I entered into a much more decadent world. The two settings were indicative of a Republican rule. Massive poverty for almost everyone and tiny little packets of ridiculously wealthy. Of course, I do not suggest that Republicans would ever care about art.

As I approach my final days in the Polluted Lakes State, one of my primary political arguments has been reinforced. Whenever an area depends completely on one company or industry in order to thrive, invariably that area is going to go to shit. Michigan has always been the automotive state, but guess what, there is no Big Three anymore. I guess all of those tax breaks and loopholes didn't help. Not to worry though, Michigan's Governor has a great new plan to revitalize struggling cities- he is privatizing local governments. A local ad sums up the plan quite nicely:

"Do you hate having to vote for your elected officials? Does it take time from some of your favorite TV shows? Well, we have good news for you! You can stay on the couch and click away as the Lockwood Energy and Efficiency Coalition of Howell or LEECH takes over the day to day operations of running your city. Our forefathers thought you should be able to vote but more importantly they wanted you to pursue happiness. How can you do that when you have to research candidates, policies and monitor political activities? Forget that nonsense. Now it's time to sit back, relax and let LEECH take this burden off of your shoulders. And don't worry, we're a corporation so you know we always have your best interests in mind."


Orbsonland Ride of the Day: Disney sticks you in a bucket and swirls you around a room full of animatronic evil children in "It's A Small World". Now it's my turn. This 12 minute ride is called "Lysten"(the 'y' makes it cool) and it will take you along in a much more comfortable bucket as it demonstrates the history of music from Gregorian Chant to Tao Cruz. This is not just any ride though, the music is pumped in at concert level with HD surround sound and an interactive HD light and laser display. While enjoying the tunes you will also be able to control a laser pistol used to shoot images of Brittany Spears as she pops us throughout the journey. You'll earn points for successful hits and the winner will receive a commemorative "Baby One More Time" musical pin.

Orbson's Quick Note: I hit a thousand visits to this site! Thanks for sticking with it. I promise I will never leave the computer with Mrs. Orbson again!

The Orbsonland Theme Park

...even now when I see a giant mouse walking towards me, my first instinct is too huddle in a corner shaking and crying. Yes Orbsonites, yours truly has survived his venture into that "magical" wonderland called Disney World: Four parks, six days, 300-degree heat, 12-hour days and frightening parents who wield baby strollers like weapons. Looking back, I cannot say that I am unchanged. I have peered into the abyss and the abyss peered back at me with large cartoon eyes all the time whispering "It's a small world after all...." One of the benefits of my incarceration, oops, I mean vacation, is that I was able to think about the theme park I would create were I able to pull wads of money out of my rump. I don't want to give away too much just yet, but rest assured you will soon be reading about the greatest theme park the world has never known: Orbsonland, the first Adult Theme Park!

I know, I know, you can't wait to hear what kind of theme park could possibly come out of the mind that brought you Punch A Smoker Day and the greatest religion ever, Orbsonism. Okay, you win, I will give you a brief glimpse into Orbsonland. Picture the craziest roller coaster ever (I'm talking 1/2 mile drops, loops, whipped cream, etc.), combined with music by Green Day, jello shooters and porn star Katie Morgan. Yeah, and that's just one ride. My Orbson theme park will include attractions in sports, theater, art, literature and movies. This will be a destination that will make Las Vegas look like a place retirees go to spend their social security checks. This is a place that doesn't close, it never sleeps and when you finally have to go back to your boring lives, your souvenir pin will actually slap you on the face whenever you need to get you Orbson on.

So, keep an eye out Orbsonites. I may still be travelling, but nothing can stop this brain from racing right off the edge of sanity.


Orbson Oracle Update: We're approaching 1,000 page views views which is pretty good considering I am on hiatus. I have also been contacted by other publications who are interested in publishing some of my entries. Things are starting to hit cruise control!

Streaming Down the Toilet: Now Netflix is morphing into two entities- Netflix and Qwikster. One service will only be streaming content while the other will do what? Offer chocolate milk by mail? Come on Reed, you could do better than Qwikster. How about "Touch My Disk" or "We're Screwedster".

Orbson Roars: The Detroit Lions are now 2-0 after beating the Kansas City Chiefs 48-3. I know this is probably one of the signs of the Apocalypse but I can't help getting excited. Usually by this point in the season, I'm already thinking about next year's draft.

Predicting the Lions

There are few experiences more traumatic and disappointing than being a Detroit Lions fan. I have experienced the basest of embarrassments with a 0-16 season and the heights of mediocrity with a 9-7 season. During all of that time I have only witnessed one playoff victory. The year was 1991. The Lions went 12-4 before blowing out those hated Dallas Cowboys in the playoffs. Unfortunately, it was followed by a humiliating 41-10 defeat to the Washington Redskins in the NFC Championship game. It has been 20 years since the last playoff victory, 12 years since their last playoff appearance and they have never won a Super Bowl (modern football era). Yet, here I am looking forward to a new season.

Each year I look at the schedule and try to determine what type of outcome to expect. I read the articles and listen to the experts. Sadly, one of the experts is no longer with us. Lions’ beat reporter Tom Kowalski was a staple to my daily Internet reading agenda. His prose was witty and informative, his style gruff and intelligent. So it is with a heavy heart that I dedicate this year’s predictions to Tom’s memory.

September 11 at Tampa Bay

4-0 in preseason! Yes. The Lions are going to the Superbowl! Uh oh, there is no running game and the Lions score less than Charlie Sheen at church. Don’t worry though, Ndamukong Suh sacks Josh Freeman 7 times with the last hit actually decapitating the young quarterback. Lions win 19-6.

September 18 Kansas City

1-0! Horrible news- Ndamukong Suh is suspended for decapitation and is given an 8-game suspension. Great news- Javeed Best runs for 187 yards and 3 touchdowns. Hooray for the running game! Lions win 35-21

September 25 at Minnesota

The Lions are 2-0! What?! Javeed Best tore his ACL? How did that happen? What?! That’s not even a Kama Sutra position?! Oh well, no running game again. Luckily Chris Houston intercepts Donovan McNabb 3 times and the Lions edge the Vikings 27-23.

October 2 at Dallas

3-0! How do I buy Super Bowl tickets? The Lions travel into the heart of evil- Dallas, Texas. Unfortunately, cornerbacks Christ Houston and Alphonso Smith accidentally run into each other during practice, both are out indefinitely with concussions. Dallas 27-17.

October 10 Chicago (Monday Night)

3-1! One loss is nothing to worry about. Plus, this is Monday Night Football. The last time the Lions were on Monday Night Football an Olsen Twin threesome would have been illegal. The fans are pumped, the players are invigorated and Kyle Vandenbosch has the Lions second quarterback decapitation of the season. RIP Jay Cutler. Lions win 42-0.

October 16 San Francisco

4-1 and a home game against an easy team! Unfortunately the NFL suspended Kyle Vandenbosch 8 games for his decapitation hit. Also, Matthew Stafford is pulled in the 3rd quarter with tendonitis in his throwing shoulder. San Francisco 9-3.

October 23 Atlanta

4-2. Okay, we’re still on track for the playoffs. Stafford is out but Shaun Hill is ready to go. The Lions are penalized 17 times for 143 yards which is exactly 140 more yards then they were able to rush. Matt Ryan lights up the Lions’ depleted secondary. Lions lose 31-10. Fans rush to the online forums complaining that it is the lack of professional cheerleaders that is leading to the team’s demise.

October 30 at Denver

The Lions are now 4-3. Things are getting pretty depressing. Shaun Hill is injured. He apparently fell on his hand against Atlanta breaking four bones. He played through the pain and nobody knew of the injury until after the game. Drew Stanton is now the starting quarterback. Luckily they’re playing Denver and are able to squeak in a win. Lions win 28-27. TOIBW (Thank Orbson it’s the Bye Week)

Week 9 Bye Week

5-3! Sure we had some tough times in the first half but 5-3 is not bad. Suh will be back soon and Stafford is expected to start against Chicago. Plus, they have two weeks to prepare and rest. I need to start looking into the Super Bowl tickets again.

November 13 at Chicago

Stafford is back and the Lions put up 28 points in the first half. Unfortunately in the 3rd quarter defensive end Julius Peppers throws Jeff Backus through the air and onto Stafford who stays down holding his shoulder. Stanton comes in and throws two straight interceptions but the somehow the Lions manage to hang on 31-28.

November 20 Carolina

6-3! Ndamukong Suh is back! Stafford is still out with a “bruised shoulder” but Shaun Hill is able to come in and throw left handed. Not a great solution but better than Stanton, Hill is able to keep the Lions in the game. The game reaches overtime where Cam Newton is leading the Panthers downfield. That is until Suh gets angry and sacks Newton causing a fumble. Lions win 27-21. The memorial service for Cam Newton will take place the following Wednesday.

November 24 Green Bay

7-3! Awesome record, not so awesome NFL ruling: “We regret to inform the Lions organization and fans that Ndamukong Suh will no longer be allowed to play in the NFL. The strength and ferocity of Suh is unmatched. We fear for the lives of the other quarterbacks in the league and hereby ban Suh from the NFL.” There is a massive outcry which distracts the Lions from this week’s Thanksgiving Day game. Plus, the Packers are much, much better. Packers 38-3

December 4 at New Orleans

7-4! Suh is out but first round draft pick Nick Fairley is finally cleared to play. Sadly, he is not any good and is pulled within ten minutes. A rash of turf related injuries occur for the Lions who whimper out of New Orleans with only 3 points and a lot of beaded necklaces. Saints 35-3

December 11 Minnesota

7-5. Only 6 points in the last two games. What has happened to this offense? Luckily cornerbacks Chris Houston and Alphonso Smith are back and intercept Donovan McNabb three more times. Lions play well and win 24-13.

December 18 at Oakland

8-5. Being on the road against a mediocre Oakland team should mean good things. It didn’t. Half of the Lions’ team is on Injured Reserve, the other half has the flu. People suspect that Stafford may have more than a bruised shoulder. The most interesting part of the game is when Raider’s owner Al Davis expressed interest in trading for the Lions’ starting running back who is averaging 1.3 yards per carry. Raiders 17-13.

December 24 San Diego

8-6. Not feeling too good now. San Diego is on fire coming in and Green Bay is next. However, the Lions play awesome. 150 yards on the ground, 300 through the air and they forced 3 turnovers. That is what I’m talking about. Where did I put that info on the Super Bowl ticket lottery?!

January 1 at Green Bay

9-6! Already put a deposit down on my playoff ticket! If we beat Green Bay we are guaranteed a Wild Card spot, otherwise we need some help. Green Bay is 13-2 and resting all of their starters. However, it is really, really cold in Wisconsin in January. Wide receiver Calvin Johnson’s fingers freeze together and he drops 7 passes. Lions lose. Luckily through a series of tiebreaker rules, they grab the last playoff spot. Packers 27-17.

Wild Card Game at Philadelphia

Oh yeah, we’re in the playoffs!!! Oh no, we’re playing the Eagles. Matthew Stafford starts in a surprise move by head coach Jim Schwartz. He lasts three plays before going down on his injured shoulder. Surgery will be required. Still no rushing game, add a dozen penalties and poodle owner Kyle Vandenbosch was thrown out of the game early for pile driving Michael “Dog Killer” Vick into the ground. The season is over, the Lions lose. Well, there is always the Draft! Eagles 38-17.

The N.F.L. or More Aptly, "No Fan Love"

The NFL lockout may be nearing its inevitable end. This should be great news but I realized that someone is going to be royally screwed when the collective bargaining agreement is finalized- ME. Okay, really I should say all fans but frankly I don’t care enough about other people’s opinions to be that inclusive. So, why am I being screwed you ask? In the coming days the millionaires and billionaires will find a way to divvy up a shitload of money and I am not getting a penny!

Why should I share in the rewards of professional football? Well consider this: The NFL family (owners, players, coaches, administration, etc.) get money from ticket sales, concession stands, restaurants, sports paraphernalia, parking spaces and most importantly TV contracts and advertising. Now I rarely go to a game anymore because it’s so freaking expensive that I would be required to sell my imaginary children into slavery to even get in the door. So, I’ll often find myself plopped in front of the TV watching my favorite team find new and unique ways to lose. Yes, I am a Detroit Lions fan. The one hour of football is delicately stretched to a 3 and a half hour experience with a seemingly endless of stream of urin… I mean commercials. I am allowing all of these companies to try to sell me their products. Do I get a cut? Nope. All I get is one hour of football. Imagine if they turned every episode of Survivor into a 4 hour experience complete with 3 hours of commercials. How do you think that would go over?

Now I know what some of you might say: “Well then don’t watch it anymore.” To you I say, BITE ME. You are so not getting my point it makes me wonder whether you would be better off reading something else. Seriously, I don’t want you anymore (Yes, I do). Go away (please don't). Okay, back to the issue. I know what my options are, what I want to know is why there are not any concessions made to help the fans. I would bet most families in this country could not afford to go to a game. Profits are great but how about a few thousand $15 seats in these 40,000 plus capacity stadiums? If I cared more I would organize a lockout of the NFL until this issue is resolved…. Oh wait, sorry gotta run NFL Live is on ESPN. Later.

Currently hating on: Cell phone companies. Too expensive, bad customer service.

Profound thoughts: Do you think S&%t My Dad Said was cancelled because conservatives finally realized what “S&%t” actually stood for?

Reading: Thr3e by Ted Dekker




Jamming to: "Tonight, Tonight" by Hot Chelle Rae and "Monster" by Meg and Dia