Good morning Orbsonites and Happy New Year! Yes it is a couple of days late. That should tell you just how much fun I had on New Year’s Eve. Let’s see, it started out with 3 bottles of tequila, 2 packages of Twinkies and a pygmy goat named Seymour. But wait! I’ve been ordered by the court not to tell that story. Hmm, well instead of looking back I think I will gaze into the future. As I listen to my Ipod, I am wondering what will 2012 hold for Orbson and his friends?
January: My Detroit Lions are in the playoffs! Fuck! The world really is going to end this year. That will definitely affect my plans for the next 11 months. After watching my Leos steal the “Big Easy” nickname from New Orleans by losing by an embarrassing 94 points, I will put my entire focus on my two New Year’s Resolutions – FINISH MY BOOK and (like everyone else) GET IN SHAPE. But wait! The world is ending so instead I am going to play Skyrim until my hands bleed and eat more of those damn Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookies Mrs. Orbson bought. Bring on Armageddon. (why do I have so much Brittany Spears on this thing)
February: I hate February. Well, except when I lived in Tucson where every day was like a sloppy bj. The second month of the year is horrendous here. It is colder, drearier and more miserable than Michele Bachmann’s marriage (probably my last reference to Bachmann for a while since she is out of the race- sad day). In February, I think I will plan a vacation. Hey if the world is going to end there is no need for a savings account. Hawaii here I come. (Jar of Hearts is a really good song. Unless you were the guy that screwed her over. Then it sucks.)
March: Back in hell and glad to be there. I am missing Skyrim more that I thought and have a nasty jellyfish sting on my pecker. Sure, skinny dipping in Hawaii is lots of fun, but nobody wants to look down in terror at a jelly fish hanging from his willy. Nobody. Speaking of dicks, the Republicans should have another 5 or 6 new candidates to make fun of. (A little Flo Rida and a little more “put your hands up”. Enough! I declare 2012 to be the year of putting your hands down!)
April: My birthday! Since I am Orbson, God of Words, I may as well make the whole month my Birthday instead of just the 25th day. Really I think everyone should do this. There are too many days that we don’t celebrate. Give yourself a treat and celebrate for your whole birthday month. April needs a holiday anyway. Celebrating nailing somebody to a cross, the guy dying and then having a 6-foot tall rabbit hide eggs just seems weird. (yes Taio Cruz, it really is Dynamite. At least right now. In about 4 months I will probably hate this song.)
May: The weather is finally nice. Quick, enjoy it for the 4 hours it is here. Damn, I was still playing Skyrim and missed the window. Does this game ever end? It has been a fairly quiet year thus far so I am guessing we’ll have another major natural disaster. Glad I went to Hawaii, because now it is under water. This may be my fault as my deity friends overheard some post-jellyfish ranting about the island state. That would make more sense than global warming. Oops sorry, my bad. (Offspring’s lyrics “dance, fucker dance…” makes me giggle. Mrs. Orbson sings this all the time. She never swears so it’s hilarious when she does. Now every time I hear this I can’t help but crack up.”
June: The summer is here and my fucking apartment complex does not have central air for these 100 degree+ days. One tiny air conditioner faces a wall not more than 8-feet away. I want to punch the owners but I’m too hot too move. Unfortunately I finally beat Skyrim. I did this by taking the game, breaking it in little pieces, putting it in the toilet, taking a dump and then flushing. Later that night I go to Walmart and buy another copy. I hate myself. (I think Katy Perry’s E.T. may be taking about sex with aliens. Ironically, this will be possible in Nevada this year when the first Sci-Fi themed brothel opens up. I have dibs on Inara Serra from Firefly.)
July- December will come tomorrow. A year is too much for one little blog. By the way, it is now 4AM and I don’t feel like editing this. So if you are one of those people (as I am) who notices that type of thing, don’t worry I did it intentionally. Now can you figure out why?
Quote of the moment:
"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now." -B.o.B. with Hayley Williams (Airplanes)
Showing posts with label Brittany Spears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brittany Spears. Show all posts
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Friday, September 30, 2011
Mich-again?
I click, I wait, I wait some more, I grab a sandwich, I wait, I watch Sportcenter, hey my webpage has finally loaded. Welcome to my grandmother's computer. Needless to say, I did not have the requisite eighteen months to compose new and exciting entries for you. I am very much looking forward to Tuesday when I can cram myself into the smallest airline seat Delta can find and immerse myself in the intoxicating aroma of eight gallons of perfume from the woman sitting next to me. Soon I will be home. In the meantime, I am writing from my hometown, the not to great state of Michigan.
Michigan is like that beautiful cheerleader from high school. She was once the "pink of perfection" but has since become the chain-smoking mother of eight who thinks dining at Denny's is the fancy night out. Unfortunately, a lot of my family and friends still live there, hence my yearly trip into the pothole infested Mecca. Still, there are a few good things about my home state. Who knows how long they will last, but for now I am grateful for the Lions, Tigers, Redwings and the Detroit Institute of the Arts. I actually visited the D.I.A. yesterday and was pleasantly surprised just how good of a museum is was. Driving up to it I thought I was in a post-apocalyptic movie made up of abandoned buildings, homeless people and very bad drivers. However, upon entering the D.I.A. I entered into a much more decadent world. The two settings were indicative of a Republican rule. Massive poverty for almost everyone and tiny little packets of ridiculously wealthy. Of course, I do not suggest that Republicans would ever care about art.
As I approach my final days in the Polluted Lakes State, one of my primary political arguments has been reinforced. Whenever an area depends completely on one company or industry in order to thrive, invariably that area is going to go to shit. Michigan has always been the automotive state, but guess what, there is no Big Three anymore. I guess all of those tax breaks and loopholes didn't help. Not to worry though, Michigan's Governor has a great new plan to revitalize struggling cities- he is privatizing local governments. A local ad sums up the plan quite nicely:
"Do you hate having to vote for your elected officials? Does it take time from some of your favorite TV shows? Well, we have good news for you! You can stay on the couch and click away as the Lockwood Energy and Efficiency Coalition of Howell or LEECH takes over the day to day operations of running your city. Our forefathers thought you should be able to vote but more importantly they wanted you to pursue happiness. How can you do that when you have to research candidates, policies and monitor political activities? Forget that nonsense. Now it's time to sit back, relax and let LEECH take this burden off of your shoulders. And don't worry, we're a corporation so you know we always have your best interests in mind."
Orbsonland Ride of the Day: Disney sticks you in a bucket and swirls you around a room full of animatronic evil children in "It's A Small World". Now it's my turn. This 12 minute ride is called "Lysten"(the 'y' makes it cool) and it will take you along in a much more comfortable bucket as it demonstrates the history of music from Gregorian Chant to Tao Cruz. This is not just any ride though, the music is pumped in at concert level with HD surround sound and an interactive HD light and laser display. While enjoying the tunes you will also be able to control a laser pistol used to shoot images of Brittany Spears as she pops us throughout the journey. You'll earn points for successful hits and the winner will receive a commemorative "Baby One More Time" musical pin.
Orbson's Quick Note: I hit a thousand visits to this site! Thanks for sticking with it. I promise I will never leave the computer with Mrs. Orbson again!
Michigan is like that beautiful cheerleader from high school. She was once the "pink of perfection" but has since become the chain-smoking mother of eight who thinks dining at Denny's is the fancy night out. Unfortunately, a lot of my family and friends still live there, hence my yearly trip into the pothole infested Mecca. Still, there are a few good things about my home state. Who knows how long they will last, but for now I am grateful for the Lions, Tigers, Redwings and the Detroit Institute of the Arts. I actually visited the D.I.A. yesterday and was pleasantly surprised just how good of a museum is was. Driving up to it I thought I was in a post-apocalyptic movie made up of abandoned buildings, homeless people and very bad drivers. However, upon entering the D.I.A. I entered into a much more decadent world. The two settings were indicative of a Republican rule. Massive poverty for almost everyone and tiny little packets of ridiculously wealthy. Of course, I do not suggest that Republicans would ever care about art.
As I approach my final days in the Polluted Lakes State, one of my primary political arguments has been reinforced. Whenever an area depends completely on one company or industry in order to thrive, invariably that area is going to go to shit. Michigan has always been the automotive state, but guess what, there is no Big Three anymore. I guess all of those tax breaks and loopholes didn't help. Not to worry though, Michigan's Governor has a great new plan to revitalize struggling cities- he is privatizing local governments. A local ad sums up the plan quite nicely:
"Do you hate having to vote for your elected officials? Does it take time from some of your favorite TV shows? Well, we have good news for you! You can stay on the couch and click away as the Lockwood Energy and Efficiency Coalition of Howell or LEECH takes over the day to day operations of running your city. Our forefathers thought you should be able to vote but more importantly they wanted you to pursue happiness. How can you do that when you have to research candidates, policies and monitor political activities? Forget that nonsense. Now it's time to sit back, relax and let LEECH take this burden off of your shoulders. And don't worry, we're a corporation so you know we always have your best interests in mind."
Orbsonland Ride of the Day: Disney sticks you in a bucket and swirls you around a room full of animatronic evil children in "It's A Small World". Now it's my turn. This 12 minute ride is called "Lysten"(the 'y' makes it cool) and it will take you along in a much more comfortable bucket as it demonstrates the history of music from Gregorian Chant to Tao Cruz. This is not just any ride though, the music is pumped in at concert level with HD surround sound and an interactive HD light and laser display. While enjoying the tunes you will also be able to control a laser pistol used to shoot images of Brittany Spears as she pops us throughout the journey. You'll earn points for successful hits and the winner will receive a commemorative "Baby One More Time" musical pin.
Orbson's Quick Note: I hit a thousand visits to this site! Thanks for sticking with it. I promise I will never leave the computer with Mrs. Orbson again!
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