Mich-again?

I click, I wait, I wait some more, I grab a sandwich, I wait, I watch Sportcenter, hey my webpage has finally loaded. Welcome to my grandmother's computer. Needless to say, I did not have the requisite eighteen months to compose new and exciting entries for you. I am very much looking forward to Tuesday when I can cram myself into the smallest airline seat Delta can find and immerse myself in the intoxicating aroma of eight gallons of perfume from the woman sitting next to me. Soon I will be home. In the meantime, I am writing from my hometown, the not to great state of Michigan.

Michigan is like that beautiful cheerleader from high school. She was once the "pink of perfection" but has since become the chain-smoking mother of eight who thinks dining at Denny's is the fancy night out. Unfortunately, a lot of my family and friends still live there, hence my yearly trip into the pothole infested Mecca. Still, there are a few good things about my home state. Who knows how long they will last, but for now I am grateful for the Lions, Tigers, Redwings and the Detroit Institute of the Arts. I actually visited the D.I.A. yesterday and was pleasantly surprised just how good of a museum is was. Driving up to it I thought I was in a post-apocalyptic movie made up of abandoned buildings, homeless people and very bad drivers. However, upon entering the D.I.A. I entered into a much more decadent world. The two settings were indicative of a Republican rule. Massive poverty for almost everyone and tiny little packets of ridiculously wealthy. Of course, I do not suggest that Republicans would ever care about art.

As I approach my final days in the Polluted Lakes State, one of my primary political arguments has been reinforced. Whenever an area depends completely on one company or industry in order to thrive, invariably that area is going to go to shit. Michigan has always been the automotive state, but guess what, there is no Big Three anymore. I guess all of those tax breaks and loopholes didn't help. Not to worry though, Michigan's Governor has a great new plan to revitalize struggling cities- he is privatizing local governments. A local ad sums up the plan quite nicely:

"Do you hate having to vote for your elected officials? Does it take time from some of your favorite TV shows? Well, we have good news for you! You can stay on the couch and click away as the Lockwood Energy and Efficiency Coalition of Howell or LEECH takes over the day to day operations of running your city. Our forefathers thought you should be able to vote but more importantly they wanted you to pursue happiness. How can you do that when you have to research candidates, policies and monitor political activities? Forget that nonsense. Now it's time to sit back, relax and let LEECH take this burden off of your shoulders. And don't worry, we're a corporation so you know we always have your best interests in mind."


Orbsonland Ride of the Day: Disney sticks you in a bucket and swirls you around a room full of animatronic evil children in "It's A Small World". Now it's my turn. This 12 minute ride is called "Lysten"(the 'y' makes it cool) and it will take you along in a much more comfortable bucket as it demonstrates the history of music from Gregorian Chant to Tao Cruz. This is not just any ride though, the music is pumped in at concert level with HD surround sound and an interactive HD light and laser display. While enjoying the tunes you will also be able to control a laser pistol used to shoot images of Brittany Spears as she pops us throughout the journey. You'll earn points for successful hits and the winner will receive a commemorative "Baby One More Time" musical pin.

Orbson's Quick Note: I hit a thousand visits to this site! Thanks for sticking with it. I promise I will never leave the computer with Mrs. Orbson again!

The N.F.L. or More Aptly, "No Fan Love"

The NFL lockout may be nearing its inevitable end. This should be great news but I realized that someone is going to be royally screwed when the collective bargaining agreement is finalized- ME. Okay, really I should say all fans but frankly I don’t care enough about other people’s opinions to be that inclusive. So, why am I being screwed you ask? In the coming days the millionaires and billionaires will find a way to divvy up a shitload of money and I am not getting a penny!

Why should I share in the rewards of professional football? Well consider this: The NFL family (owners, players, coaches, administration, etc.) get money from ticket sales, concession stands, restaurants, sports paraphernalia, parking spaces and most importantly TV contracts and advertising. Now I rarely go to a game anymore because it’s so freaking expensive that I would be required to sell my imaginary children into slavery to even get in the door. So, I’ll often find myself plopped in front of the TV watching my favorite team find new and unique ways to lose. Yes, I am a Detroit Lions fan. The one hour of football is delicately stretched to a 3 and a half hour experience with a seemingly endless of stream of urin… I mean commercials. I am allowing all of these companies to try to sell me their products. Do I get a cut? Nope. All I get is one hour of football. Imagine if they turned every episode of Survivor into a 4 hour experience complete with 3 hours of commercials. How do you think that would go over?

Now I know what some of you might say: “Well then don’t watch it anymore.” To you I say, BITE ME. You are so not getting my point it makes me wonder whether you would be better off reading something else. Seriously, I don’t want you anymore (Yes, I do). Go away (please don't). Okay, back to the issue. I know what my options are, what I want to know is why there are not any concessions made to help the fans. I would bet most families in this country could not afford to go to a game. Profits are great but how about a few thousand $15 seats in these 40,000 plus capacity stadiums? If I cared more I would organize a lockout of the NFL until this issue is resolved…. Oh wait, sorry gotta run NFL Live is on ESPN. Later.

Currently hating on: Cell phone companies. Too expensive, bad customer service.

Profound thoughts: Do you think S&%t My Dad Said was cancelled because conservatives finally realized what “S&%t” actually stood for?

Reading: Thr3e by Ted Dekker




Jamming to: "Tonight, Tonight" by Hot Chelle Rae and "Monster" by Meg and Dia