Happy Orbsonversary!!!

“One year ago, Orbson Rice exploded into the world. There are many legends regarding the origins of the Orbson. Some believe he was created by the Gods to entertain, educate and inspire. Others believe that he is the love child of Jon Stewart and George Carlin. Regardless of the mythology, readers have come from all over the world to reach out and grasp his magic Orbs.”

Exposing My Orbs
Orbson Rice

Today I celebrate the one year anniversary of The Orbson Oracle!!! 82 times I have placed my fingers to these keys for a reason other than looking up Katie Morgan videos. Looking back over my Orbs (no more ‘blog entries’ or ‘articles’) I am pleased to say that I accomplished what I had set out to do. Better yet, I have discovered a newfound love of writing satire. I’ve often worried about being yet another liberal, standing on a homemade soapbox and yelling about the world’s problems. Satire has allowed me to bring to light a real topic (i.e. that idiot Republican who blames kindergarten for high crime rates) and envelop it with ridicule and sarcasm. See Mom, sarcasm pays off!

With that in mind, I will be making some exciting new changes to the Oracle over the coming months. First, it will cease to be a blog and will morph like an Orbson from an attorney-shaped cocoon into a real website. The exact details of this website are currently top secret in order to protect myself from the very real possibility of not following through on every one of my 3,183 ideas (has anyone noticed if my Café Press store is still up). Second, as you may have noticed from the quote above, I have finished writing “Exposing My Orbs”. For those of you who need a refresher, Exposing My Orbs contains every Orb I have ever written. I have added a fair amount of commentary and included some Orbs from my pre-Orbson years for your entertainment. What I had expected to be an easier to read version of The Orbson Oracle has become the tale of my journey as a writer and a satirist. This has made for a fairly lengthy book, so even if you don’t read it you can use it to hit Republicans over the head. At the outset, I will be releasing it as an e-book with a paperback version hopefully to follow. As promised, I will initially offer the book for FREE to my loyal Orbsonites! I am SO not a Republican. I’ll have the exact dates and information for your download in the coming weeks. I’m putting the finishing touches on my Orbs right now and trying to nail down the cover. I hope you enjoy the book as much as I have enjoyed writing for you this past year.

Well Katie calls, but before I go I just want to say thank you for taking the time to read my words and for joining me on this journey. I promise to continue writing, continue battling The Stupid and continue being a little obscene, a little crazy and a buckets full of Orbson Rice.

Orbson by the Numbers:

52,790 combined page views
21,202 Facebook Shares
23,332 Facebook Likes
82 posts on The Orbson Oracle
20 satiric Orbs published on Free Wood Post


Artwork by qthomasbower, check out his other great stuff here!

The Orbsonland Theme Park

...even now when I see a giant mouse walking towards me, my first instinct is too huddle in a corner shaking and crying. Yes Orbsonites, yours truly has survived his venture into that "magical" wonderland called Disney World: Four parks, six days, 300-degree heat, 12-hour days and frightening parents who wield baby strollers like weapons. Looking back, I cannot say that I am unchanged. I have peered into the abyss and the abyss peered back at me with large cartoon eyes all the time whispering "It's a small world after all...." One of the benefits of my incarceration, oops, I mean vacation, is that I was able to think about the theme park I would create were I able to pull wads of money out of my rump. I don't want to give away too much just yet, but rest assured you will soon be reading about the greatest theme park the world has never known: Orbsonland, the first Adult Theme Park!

I know, I know, you can't wait to hear what kind of theme park could possibly come out of the mind that brought you Punch A Smoker Day and the greatest religion ever, Orbsonism. Okay, you win, I will give you a brief glimpse into Orbsonland. Picture the craziest roller coaster ever (I'm talking 1/2 mile drops, loops, whipped cream, etc.), combined with music by Green Day, jello shooters and porn star Katie Morgan. Yeah, and that's just one ride. My Orbson theme park will include attractions in sports, theater, art, literature and movies. This will be a destination that will make Las Vegas look like a place retirees go to spend their social security checks. This is a place that doesn't close, it never sleeps and when you finally have to go back to your boring lives, your souvenir pin will actually slap you on the face whenever you need to get you Orbson on.

So, keep an eye out Orbsonites. I may still be travelling, but nothing can stop this brain from racing right off the edge of sanity.


Orbson Oracle Update: We're approaching 1,000 page views views which is pretty good considering I am on hiatus. I have also been contacted by other publications who are interested in publishing some of my entries. Things are starting to hit cruise control!

Streaming Down the Toilet: Now Netflix is morphing into two entities- Netflix and Qwikster. One service will only be streaming content while the other will do what? Offer chocolate milk by mail? Come on Reed, you could do better than Qwikster. How about "Touch My Disk" or "We're Screwedster".

Orbson Roars: The Detroit Lions are now 2-0 after beating the Kansas City Chiefs 48-3. I know this is probably one of the signs of the Apocalypse but I can't help getting excited. Usually by this point in the season, I'm already thinking about next year's draft.