Orbson Matriculating with Himself

September is college essay time. I just finished helping my little Orbson bro finalize his college essay and we started discussing how Orbson Rice might write one for himself. So I thought, let’s find out:

Topic: What would you bring to the University of Sarcastic Salutations?

I am Orbson Rice. I could bore you with my nearly perfect 1.7 grade point average or impress you with the many dollars I have donated in order to help young women pay for college. However, neither of those accomplishments will truly help me succeed at your school. Instead, I wish to regale you with my genius in the art of business management. At the age of 11-years-old, as other children were wasting their youth on frivolous activities, I set up a city-wide chain of lemonade stands. I named them, “Orbson Rice’s Awesome Lemonade”.

My plan was simple. I convinced twelve nine-year-olds to buy a franchise permit for $5 each. I then gave them a one page instruction manual on how to set up a table, make lemonade and sell to people as they walked by. Each cup was sold for $1 and I promised that they would be able to keep a full 10% of any profits. Of course, they had to purchase their ingredients from me, which had a small markup for my efforts. Now I didn’t pick twelve random children. I held auditions to find the cutest kids to peddle the drinks. People won’t say no to a cute kid who says “Please sir, my family is starving and this is the only way I can help.” Auditions are exhausting work so I felt perfectly entitled to the nominal $5 per kid audition fee.

Before long, I had a dozen lemonade stands set up through the city and the money was pouring in. I even assisted many of the children who could not do the math to calculate their 10%. Of course, I needed to charge an accounting fee, but that is only reasonable. One day, I was berating a young employee who I caught slacking on the job when a potential customer walked by muttering something about needing something stronger to drink. The light bulb went off and I went to work. Luckily, most parents don’t lock the liquor cabinet so it was easy to begin spiking the lemonade. I now had a new $5 product that I called “Orbson Rice's Great & Yummy”. In only one summer, I was able to pull in over $12,000 from my lemonade stands.

So what would I bring to the University of Sarcastic Salutations? Well, since the age of eleven, I have come a long way in the business world. The college environment has a plethora of unmet needs and Orbson Rice is the student to meet them. My self-taught knowledge in botany, chemistry and sports statistics should be particularly useful in my planned business ventures. If this essay isn’t enough to convince you, then I should probably confess something. I know who is on the Admissions Committee and was really surprised by some of the dirt I was able to dig up on you guys. A couple of you are really into some weird stuff. Well regardless, that information will probably never hit the public so you really shouldn’t worry too much.