Paul Ryan: Melting of Polar Ice Caps is God’s way of Gifting us Oil

According to Rep. Paul Ryan, although God often works in mysterious ways, clearly the deity’s stance on our nation’s energy policy is to drill, drill and drill some more. This month, the Obama administration began an emergency 60-day review on its decision to allow Shell Oil Company to commence exploration and drilling in the Arctic Ocean. Many wonder whether this is the beginning of the end for Arctic oil exploration. For Paul Ryan the question is not whether we should drill in the Arctic but how quickly can we get started. Speaking before an advisory panel for the Environmental Protection Agency (E.P.A.), Ryan stated,

“It is clear to me, and it’s clear to millions of Americans that the melting of the polar ice caps is a real phenomenon. What it is not however, is an indication of human-created pollution. The melting is evidence of God’s goodness. He has gazed down upon his people and seen them struggling. He has watched as they are unable to fill up their cars, trucks and SUVs. He has heard their prayers and answered them with a gift: the warmth of his love. That warmth has touched the Arctic and swept away the ice to reveal a wealth of resources for his people. Not only should we drill in the Arctic, it is our moral obligation to drill there as quickly as we can.”

Not surprisingly, Ryan’s remarks were met with strong reactions by the scientists on the E.P.A. panel. Two of the members suffered whiplash from shaking their heads back and forth too quickly. Three more fainted when the constant rolling of their eyes made them dizzy.  The panel moderator simply said, “Thank you Representative Ryan. We will take your comments under advisement.” She was seen minutes later banging her head repeatedly against a wall.

A spokesperson for Shell Oil agrees that the Administration should allow them to continue their “altruistic” work. “This country needs oil and we are ready to serve.” Shell was questioned about the myriad of problems they've faced in the Arctic recently:

“Well sure, we had an oil rig that ran aground off of Kodiak Island on New Year’s Eve, and then there was the rig that broke its moorings last summer in the Aleutian Islands. And yes the inspection of our equipment used to clean oil spills ‘failed spectacularly’ and sure we have had some trouble getting our vessels certified by the Coast Guard. Really though, it was the air pollution violations from the E.P.A. that hurt us the most. Putting all of that aside, things have run pretty smoothly.” 

Given the perspectives of Rep. Ryan and Shell Oil it is pretty clear that drilling in the Arctic Ocean is the correct decision. Environmentalists warn that an oil spill cleanup in the Arctic Ocean would be nearly impossible because of its remote location and icy waters. However, that seems like a pretty pessimistic view. Especially since God himself wants us to do drill there. Should an accident occur, it seems pretty certain that the rig would just need a divine Band-Aid and everything would be fine. Finally, while it is true that a French oil company decided not to drill in the Arctic because they believed the risk of a spill was too great, that isn’t really relevant. Remember you should never trust Socialists.







photo by loveforutah

EPA Scientists Say “We Quit!” - Agency to Close Immediately

Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) administrator Lisa Jackson released stunning news at an impromptu press conference on Wednesday. According to Jackson, “the barrage of anti-science rhetoric, mixed with increased political pressure from conservatives has forced our scientists to re-examine their place both in the federal government and society at large. They are tired of ‘corporate stooge and religious zealot politicians constantly undermining real scientific research’. Ultimately they said ‘we quit!’ Without scientists, I am afraid the EPA can no longer function.”

The EPA announcement comes at the end of a tumultuous period in which the scientific community has been regularly attacked by religious conservatives and big business lobbyists. According to a 2009 survey of EPA scientists “60 percent of those responding, or 889 scientists, reported… political interference in their work over the last five years.” According to CBS News, “the highest number of complaints about political interference came from scientists who are directly involved in writing regulations and those who conduct risk assessments such as determining a chemical cancer risk for humans.”

Former EPA scientist and spokesperson, Dr. Charles Darren spoke at length about the decision:

“As scientists we have a duty to seek objective truth in the areas we study. Unfortunately, the political atmosphere in this country is such that we can no longer, in good conscience, continue the fight to protect our planet through the EPA. When politicians argue about scientifically proven subjects such as evolution or global warming, how can we possibly expect them to understand topics like carbon emissions? We are wasting too much time defending concepts that are already proven and not enough time focusing on creating a safer and cleaner world for our children. Thus, we have resigned from the Environmental Protection Agency and will continue our work through other organizations around the world.”

Not everyone is discouraged by Wednesday’s announcement. Shell Oil spokesman, Frederick P. Willingham III, spoke about the decision: “The EPA has been a regulatory leech that has consistently undermined American businesses. We at Shell Oil know the importance of a clean environment and now we can continue to run our environmentally-friendly business without the damaging rhetoric spewed by EPA scientists.”

Many Republicans agree that the EPA is an agency made up of “job-killers” that should be eliminated. Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich stated at a conference this past February. “I want to replace, not reform EPA, because EPA is made up of self-selected bureaucrats who are anti-American jobs, anti-American business, anti-state government, anti-local control, and I don’t think you can re-educate them.” Motivated by Gingrich, conservative politicians have begun opening “re-education centers” throughout the country attempting to persuade people that EPA warnings about fossil fuel and carbon emissions is just more “liberal hooey”. Interestingly, according to OpenSecrets.org 92.8% of the political donations made by the oil and gas industry this year, were made to the same Republicans who opposed the EPA.


Oh Orbson, My Orbson: Over 3,000 Facebook shares and 2,000 likes on my Flag article. It is not easy be adored by the masses but don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. I know I have been burning the political dildo from both ends (is that how that phrase reads?) but soon I will be writing on much more diverse topics including a return to the one true religion of Orbsonism.

Orbson Going High Tech: Blogger has been okay but it is time consuming to find some of my older entries. So, I am working on creating an e-book of my past blogs that will be "sold" on Amazon. That way you can download it to your electronic device and pull me out whenever you need me. Trust me, there is nothing better than having me in your pocket. Oh, and of course it will be completely free for all my Orbsonites! I'll let you know when it is ready!