The Walking Red: The Truth About Florida’s “Zombie” Attack

Howdy Orbsonites! I just got back from a 3-week trek through the jungles of Florida, South Carolina and Michigan and boy did I dig up some interesting stories. Check out my latest. Is it satire? Is it real? In a world where Bristol Palin has her own tv show recognizing reality can be tricky.

The Walking Red

The Walking Red plague is upon us and Florida Governor Rick Scott is covering it up. On May 26, 2012, Miami police were called to the scene of a horrific attack. While the Miami Police Department has refused to comment on the incident, eyewitness reports show that officers observed a naked man literally eating the face off of his homeless victim. After ignoring an officer’s order to stop, the attacker was shot with a police issue revolver. The bullet had no effect on the attacker and the officer had to fire at least a half of a dozen more shots before the foul feast was finally stopped. The incident has lead to nationwide speculation to the presence of zombies in Florida. After an exhaustive investigation into the story, it is now clear that the Miami Police and Florida Governor Rick Scott are engaging in a disturbing and potentially deadly cover-up. The Miami “zombie” attack was not perpetrated by a drug addicted felon or a creature from a horror movie. No, the truth is more terrifying- Florida Republicans are turning into zombies. The plague of “The Walking Red” is beginning to take hold in the conservative (red) states and officials are doing whatever they can to keep the truth from the public.

Differentiating between Republicans and zombies can be difficult. Both groups share many similar traits, most notably their vacant expressions and mindlessly following others without rational independent thought. In addition, both fail to grasp simple concepts that normal human beings grasp easily. Concepts such as open-mindedness, caring for their environment and helping the less fortunate are completely loss on both Republicans and zombies. The desire to attack those different from themselves is also a key attribute to both groups. Whether through verbal or violent attacks, Republicans often assail groups such as the LGBT community, “illegal” immigrants, the poor, the non-religious and pretty much anyone else who disagrees with them.

A team of scientists at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) say that The Walking Red plague is essentially a “psychological zombification” that has increased in frequency over the past decade. The condition develops as Republicans slowly devolve from rational, thinking human beings to mindless automatons. There is usually some trigger that activates the zombie-like state. “We have found that the majority of Walking Red victims were watching Fox News shortly before transcending into full zombie mode. They lose all sense of right and wrong and began blindly attacking those they opposed as Republicans.” That is likely why the “zombie” in Miami chose a homeless person to attack. He felt a primal urge to destroy anything that threatened their conservative mindset.

Luckily, there is a cure for The Walking Red plague. “By stabilizing the afflicted and opening their mind to various forms of knowledge, a person can fully recover from the zombified state.” However, efforts to assist the state of Florida have been met with silence. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, an aide to Republican Florida Governor Rick Scott stated, “The Governor doesn’t want anyone to know about the outbreak until after the November election. There have been thousands of these cases that we’ve covered up. The Republizombies will all vote for Republicans. If they’re cured, they may not. He won’t take that chance. It has already affected more than half of our office. I’m scared. I don’t want it to happen to me.”

Unfortunately, it appears as though The Walking Red plague may be spreading. “Zombie” attacks have already been reported in Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi. Liberals such as Jon Stewart and Rachel Maddow have been forced into hiding and comedian Bill Maher is currently missing and presumed eaten. The CDC is recommending that that unaffected Republicans cease watching Fox News immediately and start reading as many newspapers and books as possible. If you should encounter a member of The Walking Red, you should try to escape immediately. If escape is not possible, saying the following phrases has been known to ward off an attack: “I love Rush Limbaugh!” “Fox News is the only news I watch!” “I hate Obama, he should go back to whatever country he came from!” “Bristol Palin is a good role model for teenagers.” Of course, many would likely choose to have their faces eaten, rather than having to utter any of those words. Only one thing is certain, The Walking Red are among us.

U.S.A. Flag’s Stars to be Replaced with Crosses

On Thursday, the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in favor of a regulation to remove some of the stars on the U.S. flag in favor of religious crosses. The legislation was initially introduced in Alabama and was quickly mimicked by other southern states. Evangelical Christians, Senator Roy Enbrieder from Mississippi and Florida Governor Rick Scott held a celebratory rally today outside of Enbreider’s palatial mansion. “This is an important day in our country”, spoke Enbreider, “The federal government has usurped power from the states for long enough. Today, we get some of that power back. Our flag is supposed to represent our great country with each star representing a single state. Yet many of us believe in a symbol much greater than a simple star. We believe in the power of God and the power of our savior Jesus Christ. The courts have agreed, if any state votes in favor of the change, that simple star will be replaced by our magnificent cross.”

Currently there are eight states seeking to replace their star with the cross: Florida, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Idaho, Oklahoma and Kansas. Opponents of the decision have begun preparations to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, but it is unlikely to be resolved before the flag change occurs. However, the full ramifications of the Circuit Court’s decision may not have been foreseen by conservatives. Legislation is popping up in multiple states to change their star to something other than a cross. Michigan wants a small mitten though they may have to fight Wisconsin for that honor, Nevada is seeking to replace theirs with a “$” and New York would like an extended middle finger to represent their state. Perhaps the most astounding potential replacement comes from cash-strapped California who will be “renting” out their star to advertisers. Internet service provider, Go Daddy, appears to be the current front runner, though Ikea has also expressed interest. Regardless, in a few months, the U.S. flag will likely be forever altered.