GOP Celebrates New ‘PreSin’ Pregnancy Prevention Pill

Satire. Though Republicans often have a way of making me feel a little sick...

On Monday, the FDA gave final approval to the financially troubled KV Pharmaceutical for their “Afternoon-Before” pregnancy prevention pill. The pill, referred to as “PreSin” works by suppressing sexual desires prior to engaging in a sexual act. KV marketing materials state, “Are you going out tonight? Are you worried about being morally corrupted into depraved acts of sin? Then before you leave, remember to take PreSin! PreSin works by inhibiting sexual desires through a series of mildly unpleasant physical ailments including a fever, nausea, occasional vomiting, bad breath and general stomach discomfort.” According to a KV spokesperson, “PreSin has the potential to dramatically reduce unwanted pregnancies. Remember, before you sin, Presin!”

PreSin has gained wide approval from the Republican Party who says it represents a significant improvement over the controversial Morning-After pill. Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney agreed stating that PreSin is a much better option over the other “abortive” options: “Abstinence is the only completely successful way to prevent pregnancy. PreSin provides tremendous benefits to those who do not have the moral strength of character to abstain by themselves. This is a great American innovation and should be sold over-the-counter and distributed in our schools.” Romney may not be aware that the “success” of abstinence-only sexual education is a fallacy. In fact, states with abstinence-only policies have the highest rate of teen pregnancies in the nation.

KV who describes itself as a, “specialty pharmaceutical company with a focus on women’s healthcare” is expected to begin shipping PreSin to pharmacies by the end of September and the product is expected to cost approximately $750 per dose. The exorbitant cost should not come as a surprise. Earlier this year KV won exclusive rights to a drug called 17P (brand name Makena), used to prevent preterm labor. Their first act was to raise the price from $10 to $1500 per dose. For a company whose last CEO is in prison for mislabeling morphine pills, many people have begun to suspect that KV may in fact be “pure evil”. However, Mitt Romney praised KV’s pricing strategy as simply “a good business practice”. Regardless, Republicans in Congress have convinced insurance companies to fully cover PreSin without a co-pay. In Arizona however, PreSin has caused some confusion. Heather Wilson of Phoenix asks, “I don’t understand. In Arizona I am pregnant two weeks before I have sex. Am I supposed to take PreSin every day for two weeks? How will I know when to begin treatment?” Arizona Governor Jan Brewer does not foresee any issues saying, “I think young people should be taking this every day. They were all born into sin. This will help them control themselves.” Already, KV has sold over 300,000 doses of PreSin and expects to reach a million by the end of the year.

Warning: If you are planning on taking PreSin, the following side effects have been released by KV: “Possible side effects include headache, upset stomach, rectal bleeding, depression, suicidal thoughts, puritanical impulses and uncontrollable sneezing.”



Unedited Photo by: Brandon Giesbrecht

Arizona Bill will Ban Subversive Latino Music from Radio

If Governor Jan Brewer gets her way, Arizona radio stations will soon be prohibited from playing Latino music over the airwaves. On May 3, the Arizona House will vote on a bill that would ban any music that:

1. Promotes the overthrow of the United States government.
2. Promotes resentment toward a race or class of people.
3. Is designed primarily for listeners of a particular ethnic group.
4. Advocates ethnic solidarity instead of treating listeners as individuals.

According to the bill, “Any music that includes more than five words in a language other than English will be reviewed by an independent commission for seditious overtones.” By these standards, many popular artists such as Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, Shakira, Pitbull and Selena Gomez will likely find their songs banned from Arizona radio stations. According to Brewer, this legislation is necessary to “curb the growing use of subversive music to manipulate young Latinos into hating the United States.” Since entering office, Brewer has made a concerted effort to attack Hispanic culture. HB 2281, which has similar language to HB 2863, outlawed the teaching of Ethic Studies in Arizona schools. According to Tucson Unified School District board member Michael Hicks, “If there is no more white people in the world than okay, you can do what you want.” Until then, Brewer is doing everything she can to curb the flow of Latino music, books and history over Arizona borders.

Brewer’s supporters believe that the Governor is only doing what is necessary to protect the “American way of life”. Evelyn Rothchild, President of Ban Items that are Toxic to Christian Homes states, “Music these days is sinful. It’s all sex, drugs and violence. Ever since that La Bamba song came out we have been fighting against this evil Mexican music. What does ‘La Bamba’ even mean? Do you know? It probably means America is Satan? Why would we want to put that on the airwaves?”

Governor Brewer is quick to point out that she is not banning Latino music, merely asking that it be translated into English and examined for “inappropriate” lyrics before airing it on the radio. “If a song has good wholesome lyrics, it can be played in our official state language. Artists can no longer hide subversive and incendiary material behind the Spanish language.” The Bill is expected to pass the House and be signed by Brewer on Thursday, or as Arizonians will now call it, “the day the music died”.

Famous Statue of Liberty Sonnet to be Replaced

On Tuesday, Congress will vote on a measure to replace the final five lines of the famous sonnet “New Colossus” on the Statue of Liberty with a poem written by Arizona Republican Governor, Jan Brewer. Since 1883, the words of poet Emma Lazarus has adorned the plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty. The five lines in question are:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Governor Brewer spoke about the proposed measure. “The Lazarus sonnet has no place in this country. It is essentially like putting a sign on your front door saying, ‘sure, come right in and take whatever you’d like.’ Well, I’m sick of people taking. I believe it is time we put up a new sign that says ‘we don’t want your kind here’.” Certainly, Brewer’s replacement lines do just that:

"When darkness breaches our golden shore,
Be wary, those who seek to come,
Whose purity reaches not the core,
The Godly shall cleanse the vile scum,
Our guns shall sound and you’ll hit the floor."

Opponents of the measure claim that the added lines are clearly racist and degrade the purpose of both the sonnet and the Statue of Liberty itself. According to the Statue of Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation, New Colossus has "come to symbolize the statue's universal message of hope and freedom for immigrants coming to America and people seeking freedom around the world." When confronted with that fact, Brewer stated, “Well, maybe we’ll need to do something about the statue next.”

Calls to the foundation revealed that the Statue is currently closed to the public for renovations. Whether this will include the replacement lines for the New Colossus, we will find out when Congress votes on Tuesday.




Photograph by Erik Daniel Drost