A typical Orbson Rice day often includes getting to talk to new and interesting people who always seem to call at the most inopportune times:
The Phone Company
Rep: Hello, my name is Ryan, I was hoping to ask you about your current phone service.
Orbson: I don’t have a current phone service.
Rep: Who do you use for the phone you are using?
Orbson: I’m not using a phone. I am using a blue shoe.
Rep: A blue shoe?
Orbson: Yes. It’s a magic blue shoe.
Rep: Yeah, right. I just wanted to let you know about our new rate plan that gives you unlimited long distance, caller ID and voice mail for a special $49.99 per month introductory rate.
Orbson: My shoe was only $39.99. I got them on sale. Actually I got two so really each was about $20. Can you match that?
Rep: I’m thinking you are not interested in a new phone service.
Orbson: Oh, but I am. You said it comes with caller ID right?
Rep: Yes and voicemail.
Orbson: Does is come in blue?
Rep: What? The phone? The plan doesn’t come with a phone.
Orbson: No, the shoe.
Rep: There is no shoe.
Orbson: No shoe? Well, then how do I make a call?
Rep: I don’t find this very funny.
Orbson: Really, I’m finding this conversation sole-full. Hello? Hello?
The Cable Company
Rep: Hello, my name is Jim and I’m calling from your local cable provider. We are just checking to make sure you are completely satisfied with your cable service.
Orbson: Yes, it’s great thank you.
Rep: I also wanted to let you know about an exciting new package we’re letting some of our best customers in on. You can combine cable, Internet and phone for one low price of $129.99 per month.
Orbson: So you weren’t really calling to see if I was happy with my cable service? You were just trying to sell me something?
Rep: No of course we want to make sure you’re happy with your current service.
Orbson: Really?
Rep: Yes, of course
Orbson: I just don’t know. I trusted you, I felt we had built a solid relationship on the phone, now I just feel used.
Rep: I’m very sorry you feel that way. Rest assured we do care about your happiness with your cable service. We just wanted to offer you another way to get great savings on a great group of services.
Orbson: There you go again, trying to sell me something new. You’re just like Mutsy?
Rep: I’m sorry, like what?
Orbson: Mutsy, my pet ferret. I thought he loved me but he was only using me for food and toys, just like you’re using me. But I showed him, I introduced him to Mr. Sucky.
Rep: Uhm, excuse me?
Orbson: Mr. Sucky- my vacuum cleaner. You sound nice, maybe I should consider your offer. Why don’t you come over and we can discuss it in person. I can introduce you to Mr. Sucky. Hello? Hello?
Of course I don’t spend my days just answering the phone. I also respond to the occasional email:
The Hotel Review
Email: Please review your most recent stay with us.
Orbson: Delete email.
Email: Please review your most recent stay with us.
Orbson: Delete email.
Email: Please review your most resent stay with us.
Orbson: To Whom it May Concern, I am sorry that I have been unable to review my recent stay at your hotel. I have been in the hospital with a large number of bed bug bites. Don’t fret, I am sure your hotel had nothing to do with it. Of course I didn’t stay anywhere else and the room wasn’t the cleanest but I doubt it was caused by your hotel. Yes, overall your hotel was quite nice. I particularly liked the old-fashioned television set that only received three fuzzy channels. It reminded me of the good old days. I also appreciated that the WiFi was not working. You were clearly trying to send a message about spending quality time with the family over playing on the Internet. Message received. I was somewhat disappointed that the front desk forgot my wakeup call, still it only cost me $400 to reschedule my flight so really it was not a big deal. I really enjoyed your breakfast buffet and were it not for the salmonella, I would definitely try it again. Unfortunately, I did not get to try out your swimming pool as I found its greenish color to be slightly off-putting. Still, the kids I saw swimming in it seemed to be having a good time. Too bad their trip ended so badly. I saw them in the hospital too. Rashes all over their bodies- the poor things. Overall, I feel confident in saying that I would rate your hotel as 8 out of 10.
Email: Regarding your recent review of our hotel: Dear Mr. Rice, thank you for your review. I was glad to hear our hotel exceeded your expectations and hope to see you again in the future! Signed- Hotel Manager.
Showing posts with label practical jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label practical jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace
In these troubled times many believe themselves to be trapped in jobs in which they are underappreciated and/or underpaid. Do not despair, the answers to many of your problems can be found within you. You must get in touch with your inner Orbson and take control of your workplace before it’s too late.
Following "Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace" is guaranteed to get results. What those results might be, who knows, you’ll probably be fired and maybe even arrested. Still, they’re guaranteed results. Plus, if you end up in jail you’ll get a roof over your head, three meals a day and health care, so many would consider that a step up.
Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace
Step 1: Embrace the Change Within: You must embrace the knowledge that your job sucks and that you are 100% committed to the desuckification process. Only with acceptance of the problem can recovery begin.
Illustration: Stanley admits to himself that his job sucks and that he will do anything necessary to desuckify it.
Step 2: Identifying the Soul Sucking Leach Who Makes Your Life Hell: Every day you go into work and you see someone that immediately sucks any happiness or optimism right out of you. Identification of the leach and/or leaches is necessary in order to move to Step 3.
Illustration: After much thought, Stanley identifies two people who make his life hell. First, his supervisor Dan, who in addition to being an asshole likes to publicly berate Stanley at least twice a day. The second is an important client named Mary who represents a multi-national corporation. Mary continuously blames Stanley for every little thing that goes wrong regardless of the fact that she causes most of the problems.
Step 3: Operation You Fucked with the Wrong Man/Woman: Subtly is key here as this step is all about intelligence gathering. It is time to dig through every personal and professional bit of information you can find about your targets. You should also consider hiring a private investigator to assist with the work.
Illustration: Stanley begins to take note of every aspect of Dan and Mary’s lives. Quickly, he has a thick file on each of them.
Step 4: Locating the Jugular: Here you should examine the information you have gathered and look for weak spots you can exploit.
Illustration: Stanley finds that Dan has been having marital problems, has three outstanding parking tickets and will often go the bar next to the office on Monday nights to watch football, down a few beers and flirt with the female bartender. Also, Stanley’s investigator was able to track down a payment to Mary by Girls Gone Wild and was able to locate photographs of her flashing the camera during Spring Break. Further, there is an important meeting coming up between Dan, Mary and their respective bosses.
Step 5: Setting the Stage: You must now utilize your newfound knowledge to design a plan to desuckify your workplace.
Illustration: Stanley changes the meeting time to 8PM Monday night making each party believe the other is responsible. He then tells Mary that Dan has requested her 10 minutes early in order to discuss a few issues. At 6PM, Stanley offers to take Dan to the nearby bar for a quick drink, mentioning to Dan that the bartender had been asking about him. Dan agrees. Stanley gives the bartender a $50 bill to put a small amount of a drug that makes alcohol significantly more effective. As she has always been disgusted by Dan, she is happy to help. Dan is wasted by 7:00PM. He is concerned about the meeting, but Stanley assures him that he will tell everyone Dan was sick and had to go home. However, they need to go back to Dan's office to find the paperwork for Stanley to use in the meeting. The falsely flirtatious bartender keeps him distracted until they head back to the office at 7:40PM. What Dan doesn’t know is that Stanley’s investigator has wallpapered Dan's office and computer with the Girls Gone Wild photographs of a very topless Mary. He has also contacted Dan's wife asking her to be at the same office at exactly 7:55PM and that he has some explanations as to why Dan is often “working late” on Mondays. Stanley escorts Dan into his office at 7:45PM.
Step 6: Grab the Popcorn and Enjoy the Show: Step back and watch as your plan unfolds.
Illustration: Dan is shocked to see the photographs of Mary but far too drunk to make much sense of the situation. Stanley tells him to sit down while he gets a janitor to clean up the office. Dan doesn’t notice that the chair is drenched in urine until it’s too late. His pants are soaked so he quickly removes them just as Mary walks in. She sees the intoxicated and pantless Dan in the room full of pictures she had thought nobody would ever find out about. Seconds later Dan's wife enters the room. She is enraged and starts yelling at Dan and Mary. He is slime, she has always known that fact and her mother was right, she should have left him a long time ago. The end of her tirade is caught by Dan and Mary’s bosses who walk in to see Mary trying to remove the photographs, the pantless and drunk Dan and the irate wife. Stanley then walks in. Dan tries to grab at the lifeline. “Stanley, tell them I was with you. Tell them I don’t know anything about these pictures. I didn’t do any of this.” Stanley enjoys his triumph by looking disgusted and saying, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just got here.” To the bosses he states, “I told them they shouldn’t carry on this way- the sex, the pictures, it’s just not professional.” As the bosses stare angrily at Dan and Mary, Stanley gives them a quick wink and smile.
Step 7: Twist the Knife and Enjoy Your New Life: Celebrate your freedom, but first, how about one more smidgen of fun.
Illustration: Everyone is leaving. Mary and Dan have been fired. Stanley has impressed the bosses with a detailed business plan, saving the meeting and the business relationship. As Stanley watches in pleasure as Dan drives away, he pull out his cell phone, dials 911 and speaks in a worried voice. “Hello, I just saw a drunk guy leaving the bar. He’s pretty wasted. I tried to stop him but he kept saying stuff like ‘no f’in cop can get me. I don’t even pay parking tickets. F’them all. He was driving a black SUV, the license plate is….”
Following "Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace" is guaranteed to get results. What those results might be, who knows, you’ll probably be fired and maybe even arrested. Still, they’re guaranteed results. Plus, if you end up in jail you’ll get a roof over your head, three meals a day and health care, so many would consider that a step up.
Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace
Step 1: Embrace the Change Within: You must embrace the knowledge that your job sucks and that you are 100% committed to the desuckification process. Only with acceptance of the problem can recovery begin.
Illustration: Stanley admits to himself that his job sucks and that he will do anything necessary to desuckify it.
Step 2: Identifying the Soul Sucking Leach Who Makes Your Life Hell: Every day you go into work and you see someone that immediately sucks any happiness or optimism right out of you. Identification of the leach and/or leaches is necessary in order to move to Step 3.
Illustration: After much thought, Stanley identifies two people who make his life hell. First, his supervisor Dan, who in addition to being an asshole likes to publicly berate Stanley at least twice a day. The second is an important client named Mary who represents a multi-national corporation. Mary continuously blames Stanley for every little thing that goes wrong regardless of the fact that she causes most of the problems.
Step 3: Operation You Fucked with the Wrong Man/Woman: Subtly is key here as this step is all about intelligence gathering. It is time to dig through every personal and professional bit of information you can find about your targets. You should also consider hiring a private investigator to assist with the work.
Illustration: Stanley begins to take note of every aspect of Dan and Mary’s lives. Quickly, he has a thick file on each of them.
Step 4: Locating the Jugular: Here you should examine the information you have gathered and look for weak spots you can exploit.
Illustration: Stanley finds that Dan has been having marital problems, has three outstanding parking tickets and will often go the bar next to the office on Monday nights to watch football, down a few beers and flirt with the female bartender. Also, Stanley’s investigator was able to track down a payment to Mary by Girls Gone Wild and was able to locate photographs of her flashing the camera during Spring Break. Further, there is an important meeting coming up between Dan, Mary and their respective bosses.
Step 5: Setting the Stage: You must now utilize your newfound knowledge to design a plan to desuckify your workplace.
Illustration: Stanley changes the meeting time to 8PM Monday night making each party believe the other is responsible. He then tells Mary that Dan has requested her 10 minutes early in order to discuss a few issues. At 6PM, Stanley offers to take Dan to the nearby bar for a quick drink, mentioning to Dan that the bartender had been asking about him. Dan agrees. Stanley gives the bartender a $50 bill to put a small amount of a drug that makes alcohol significantly more effective. As she has always been disgusted by Dan, she is happy to help. Dan is wasted by 7:00PM. He is concerned about the meeting, but Stanley assures him that he will tell everyone Dan was sick and had to go home. However, they need to go back to Dan's office to find the paperwork for Stanley to use in the meeting. The falsely flirtatious bartender keeps him distracted until they head back to the office at 7:40PM. What Dan doesn’t know is that Stanley’s investigator has wallpapered Dan's office and computer with the Girls Gone Wild photographs of a very topless Mary. He has also contacted Dan's wife asking her to be at the same office at exactly 7:55PM and that he has some explanations as to why Dan is often “working late” on Mondays. Stanley escorts Dan into his office at 7:45PM.
Step 6: Grab the Popcorn and Enjoy the Show: Step back and watch as your plan unfolds.
Illustration: Dan is shocked to see the photographs of Mary but far too drunk to make much sense of the situation. Stanley tells him to sit down while he gets a janitor to clean up the office. Dan doesn’t notice that the chair is drenched in urine until it’s too late. His pants are soaked so he quickly removes them just as Mary walks in. She sees the intoxicated and pantless Dan in the room full of pictures she had thought nobody would ever find out about. Seconds later Dan's wife enters the room. She is enraged and starts yelling at Dan and Mary. He is slime, she has always known that fact and her mother was right, she should have left him a long time ago. The end of her tirade is caught by Dan and Mary’s bosses who walk in to see Mary trying to remove the photographs, the pantless and drunk Dan and the irate wife. Stanley then walks in. Dan tries to grab at the lifeline. “Stanley, tell them I was with you. Tell them I don’t know anything about these pictures. I didn’t do any of this.” Stanley enjoys his triumph by looking disgusted and saying, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just got here.” To the bosses he states, “I told them they shouldn’t carry on this way- the sex, the pictures, it’s just not professional.” As the bosses stare angrily at Dan and Mary, Stanley gives them a quick wink and smile.
Step 7: Twist the Knife and Enjoy Your New Life: Celebrate your freedom, but first, how about one more smidgen of fun.
Illustration: Everyone is leaving. Mary and Dan have been fired. Stanley has impressed the bosses with a detailed business plan, saving the meeting and the business relationship. As Stanley watches in pleasure as Dan drives away, he pull out his cell phone, dials 911 and speaks in a worried voice. “Hello, I just saw a drunk guy leaving the bar. He’s pretty wasted. I tried to stop him but he kept saying stuff like ‘no f’in cop can get me. I don’t even pay parking tickets. F’them all. He was driving a black SUV, the license plate is….”
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