Rank Banks

With Occupy Wall Street protests gathering momentum throughout the world, I find myself finding yet another example of the growing disparity of wealth in this country. Here is a brief timeline of some of my recent personal banking events:

1. Washington Mutual (my bank) collapses.
2. JP Morgan Chase takes over.
3. After six years, I run out of blank checks.
4. I now have to pay $18.99 for simple blank checks that used to be free.
5. Decided that I am annoyed by this new fee for paper.
6. Decided to move my banking to Fidelity Investments, but keep Chase account open to deposit any checks I might receive.
7. Talk to Chase Customer Service about making this happen.

Get this: Unless I have a sizeable direct deposit, I must maintain $1500 in the checking account in order to avoid monthly fees. $1500?! It takes my Target-employed mother more than six weeks to make $1500. Most of that goes to health insurance and other bills. There is no way she would be able to get a fee-free checking account. I recently asked her why she no longer had a bank account. Her answer? It’s too expensive. Now I see that she was right. Many banks are raising their fees. Who has to bear the burden? The poor of course.

Now I’m sure there may be people who’ll say that banks are providing their customers a service and that fees help to pay for that service. Capitalism at its finest. Normally, I would agree. This time, I do not. The bank is not simply holding your money for you. They are not a storage unit that remains locked until the owner comes by with the key. No, your money is being invested. Whether through loans or the market itself, your money is being given out and then returned with interest. For most customers, their savings or checking accounts collect little or no interest. Thus, the banks keep the profits on their investments. I don’t have a problem with that. Surprised? Don’t be. If you have a lot of money in a savings or checking account it’s your fault that you’re not investing it yourself. If the banks can profit on you, they should. Your money is being loaned out to people who want to buy a car, a house or start a small business. These are good things (unless the banks are stupid about who they loan to). What’s not good is when the poorest members of society are unable to even consider getting a bank account because of the banks’ insatiable greed.

The right-wing believes that liberals are engaging in class warfare because we want the wealthy individuals and corporations to pay a fair percentage of taxes on their income. They believe it because we demand that corporations spend money to make their businesses environmentally safe. They believe it because we express anger at union-busting legislation. They believe it because we don’t like to see a handful of companies controlling entire industries. They believe it because we are finally beginning to take to the streets in protest of Wall Street’s blatantly evil greed. Well guess what conservatives; the classes have been at war for over a decade. The poor and those who support them have just never fought back before. That is until now. Wall Street has gone too far. Corporations have gotten away with too much. Elected officials of the United States of America: If you’re in their pockets, next election cycle, we’re coming for you next. Conservatives, you cry class warfare, you have not seen anything yet.


Yo’ Asshole Did What? School administrators banned the cheerleaders of Gilbert High School in Gilbert, Arizona from wearing “inappropriate” shirts to school events. Well, they must have been really bad right? What, they were supposed to help raise money and awareness for Cancer research? What, they only said “Feel for lumps. Save your bumps.”? Congratulations school administrators, you are Orbson’s Assholes of the Day. Don’t worry, I didn’t get you t-shirts to commemorate your title.

Orbson Rises Again + Juicy Squirts

Greetings and salutations Orbsonites. This weary traveler has finally made his way home and is anxious and eager to regale you with my many rants and ramblings. I have spent a great deal of time this week reviewing the news I missed and researching future Orbson Oracle entries. Next week you’ll be reading my take on everything from bank fees to skydiving sexcapades (I am SOOOO in favor of this). The Orbson Oracle is 50 entries old and is gaining more interest than I could have predicted this soon. As I prepare for the next 50 entries, I thought I would share a few random Juicy Squirts:


Occupy Wall Street: Finally, people are beginning to take to the streets in protest. What do they want? Who cares, at least they are not conservative teabaggers…. Okay, my excitement is over. Now you need to actually demand something concrete. Better yet, start spending that energy putting the right people into office. I appreciate the noise but it’s time to get behind a plan.

Obama’s Job Plan: A reputable poll shows that the vast majority of Americans like this plan. So what does the Senate do? They vote NO. Look, you can call this plan a stimulus if you would like, I don’t care. I just listen to non-partisan economists who agree that this plan is needed. This vote just proves that the people in office don’t care about the people they represent. It is time for a publicly funded election process. More on this idea soon.

iPhone 4S: Just call the thing iPhone5. Not enough new features? Then wait until you can create something better. Either way, I am getting tired of the numbered versions; I think it is time to get creative “iPhone-F.U.Android”.

Fall TV: I am loving both 2 Broke Girls and of course The Big Bang Theory. It is nice to see that over the top sex jokes are making their way onto primetime.

Work of Art Next Great Artist: This Bravo show is probably my favorite right now. This is also a great inspiration for my “Literary Art”. If you have not seen the show, check it out. This week’s theme had the artists taking “tacky” art and elevating it to “fine art”. My take? I would have taken the “tacky” painting and hung it up as is. However, I would have created (if I had any talent) an intricately carved frame that brought out some of the character of the piece. In addition, I would have carved phrases such as “All art is beautiful to someone” “You call this tacky, I call you a pompous prick.” Essentially, it would be a big “FU” to the judges who came up with the challenge. Still, the frame would have been bitchin’.

Detroit Lions 5-0: My Lions are 5-0. I am seriously concerned that something is wrong in the universe. However, since I prefer my universe to be a little off anyway, I’ll just sit back and enjoy. Go Lions!

Ghostbusters: Ghostbusters is back in the theaters. Great movie but come on, where is the new material. If Hollywood were a woman, she would need some serious lubricant because creatively, she is all dried up.