Alternative Democracy

Once upon a time, a woman named Hillary became President of a great nation. Hillary did not win the popular vote but she did win the Electoral College which awarded her the office. Her party, known as the Democrats, also won many seats in the House of Representatives and the Senate though most of those races were also very close. There was ample evidence that the rogue liberal nation of Canada interfered in the election in order to get Hillary elected, however the Democrats in Congress didn’t want to look too closely at that can of worms, so they didn’t.

During Hillary’s first weeks in office she issued many executive orders. She removed mentions of “God” from all national currency, The Pledge of Allegiance and all entities that receive federal funding. She put a freeze on all firearm sales so as to determine a better vetting process for those seeking to buy guns. She forced churches to start paying federal income tax. She tripled funding for the NEA, EPA, NASA and other arts, science and social justice programs. She raised taxes to a flat 70% on those making over $250,000. She allowed access and a path to citizenship for 50,000 refugees. She substantially increased protections for minorities, LGBTQ and immigrants. She ordered complete transparency for all businesses and fined companies who did not immediately remedy unequal salaries between men and women. She quadrupled funding for Planned Parenthood and required that every city over 15,000 people would have a PP facility or be denied federal funding. She put an immediate halt to all fracking operations. She increased funding to public schools. She banned the death penalty. She created a rehabilitation program for non-violent criminal offenders which would include job training and education and would expunge their record after completion. She toughened environmental standards beyond levels ever seen before. She ordered Congressional Democrats to completely redraw districts to ensure that Republicans will have a much more difficult time winning in the future. She gave voting rights to everyone on the path to citizenship and made Election Day a national holiday. She lowered the voting age to 16. She ordered a universal health care plan for everyone that mirrored the insurance received by members of Congress. She made it illegal for corporations and lobbyists to use money to purchase votes.  She outlawed the consumption of meat or the use of animals in the making or wearing of clothing. She outlawed genetically modified food and many of the harmful preservatives and chemicals used in prepackaged food. She expanded SNAP to help provide food for everyone making under $30,000 a year. She ordered the construction of mini-homes to help the homeless and put caps on property values to ensure that homes would be available to everyone.

Hillary ordered all of these things even though half of the country was opposed to many of these actions. The conservatives were really upset and many thought that the Democrats were not governing for all of the people, but only the far left liberals. In the end however, they decided that since Hillary and the other Democrats had won the election they should just keep quiet and give her a chance.

The End

DeVos Bans “Teaching” in Classrooms

Newly appointed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is taking a bold approach to educating the young people of the United States- a ban on teaching. On Tuesday afternoon just hours after her nomination was confirmed, DeVos and Trump announced a new executive order which prohibits the use of “teaching” in public schools. According to DeVos, the term “teaching” is an “elitist liberal term that only allows for the education of children via facts and does not take into account alternative forms of education”. The new term, which will take affect starting March 1, will be “enlightening.” During the press conference DeVos stated, “Learning needs be better. This less confusing for students. Enlightening good. Jesus good. Trump good. Goodbye.” The Department of Education released a sample of the new guidelines for the Science curriculum:

Gravity:

Former Lesson: Gravity is a force of attraction that exists between any two masses, any two bodies or any two particles.

Alternative Enlightened Theory: Gravity is God’s way on ensuring that we do not fly off into space. Should we displease God, gravity would be removed and we would simply float away. It is our belief in God that keeps us grounded.

Dinosaurs:

Former Lesson: Dinosaurs are animals that lived approximately 230 million years ago and survived until an extinction event occurred 66 million years ago. Evidence suggests that birds may be descended from dinosaurs.

Alternative Enlightened Theory: When God cast Adam and Eve from the garden, he placed upon the Earth many challenges. Dinosaur bones were one of those challenges. Dinosaurs themselves did not exist; the bones were purposely placed there by God to test the faith of those who found them. The Earth itself is only 6,021 years old.

Rain:

Former Lesson: Rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall under gravity.

Alternative Enlightened Lesson: Rain is God showering his essence over his people. Moderate rain is desirable and means God loves you. Heavy rain implies that God believes you are drowning in your sins. God condemns liberals, thus it rains often in areas such as Seattle and Portland. A desert climate means that God has given up on the people.

The new “enlightenment” guidelines have been celebrated as a “revolutionary step toward a superior education.” Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam, stated “We do a disservice to our children when we do not take a fair and balanced approach to their education. This order will protect children from the radical ideas of the left while enlightening them with honest and moral educational principles.” Time will only tell whether the DeVos approach will succeed, but Trump seems optimistic, “We be finally getting good learning here.” In related news, hospitals all over the country are filling up quickly with teachers reporting concussion-like symptoms due to hitting their heads repeatedly against walls.


Photograph by: Hans Hillewaert

Never Again

There are some things that should not need to be written. Not in the 21st century. Not for a world that 72-years ago said, “Never Again!” I awoke this morning to a study done by Amnesty International, an organization that exposes human rights violations. The study was not easy to read and I apologize if my words disturb you, but the truth must be heard.

Before I tell you about the study, let me first tell you about how the civil war in Syria began. The war started because of children. In 2011, 15 schoolchildren were arrested and tortured for writing anti-government graffiti on a wall. The citizens were outraged and formed peaceful protests asking for the release of the children, democracy and freedom for the people. On March 18, 2011, the military, under the control of Bashar al-Assad, opened fire on the protesters killing four people. The following day, the military arrived at the funeral of one of the fallen and shot and killed another person. That was the beginning of a civil war that continues to this day.

During the war, Assad has broken international law and used chemical weapons on civilians and rebels. The turmoil in Syria has allowed IS to step in and take over large areas of Syria, essentially creating a 3rd front that both Assad’s forces and the rebels need to fight. Assad’s unwillingness to abdicate his power and allow democracy to flourish has given IS more resources and more desperate people to bolster their ranks.  People who feel they have no other choice. However, the true horror of Bashar al-Assad was not fully known until today.

Between 2011 and 2015 in Saydnaya Prison an estimated 13,000 mostly civilians were executed in secret. A further 17,000 more are believed to have been executed in prisons throughout Syria. Every week, sometimes twice a week, guards would appear and call out the names of 50 people. They were told they were being transferred. Instead they are blindfolded and taken into a basement where they are severely beaten. Unable to see what is happening to them they are then led to another building. Before the final horror begins, the last thing they feel is a noose being tightened around their necks. “They kept them [hanging] there for 10 to 15 minutes. Some didn’t die because they are light. For the young ones, their weight wouldn’t kill them. The officers’ assistants would pull them down and break their necks,” said an eyewitness and former judge.

The conditions inside the prison are perhaps even worse. Assad has created “a world carefully designed to humiliate, degrade, sicken, starve and ultimately kill those trapped inside.” The prisoners are raped and are sometimes forced to rape other prisoners for the enjoyment of the guards. Torture is as normal to them as your morning coffee is to you. The floors of the prison are covered with blood and puss and food and water are often deprived. When they are fed it is often scattered onto that soiled floor. Each morning guards would dispose of bodies that didn’t make it through the night.

This is happening in our world. The world of Super Bowl parties and Dancing with the Stars.

One of Assad’s strongest supporters is Donald Trump’s favorite ally, Russian President Vladimir Putin. The reasons behind Russia’s support of Assad are complex and varied. In the most general of terms, Russia has significant economic and military interests in keeping Assad in power. While some of those interests fall in line with conventional wisdom (stopping IS), others do not, particularly against the backdrop of truly heinous crimes against humanity. As always, the Middle East is extremely volatile and decisions made by 3rd party countries can have detrimental effects that can last for decades. We need only look back at President George W. Bush’s horrendous mistake in Iraq that helped created ISIS in the first place. Solutions will not be easy and they will take a unified world to find.

There exists degrees of evil. I would hope that most agree that Assad is among the worst. However, my fear is that evil is spreading. Vladimir Putin, a former KGB agent has in the past decade, made criticizing his government a criminal offense. Add to that, government imposed censorship, the tacit approval of Assad’s methods, LGBT abuses and just this past week, Russia decriminalized domestic violence. This brings us to the United States.

In the past two weeks, admitted sexual predator Donald Trump has been attempting to tear down the very institutions of democracy and checks and balances within this country. When the judicial system has tried to slow him down to make sure his actions are constitutional, he has threatened them and placed targets on their back. When a media outlet dares to question him he demonizes and demeans them, calling them “fake news” yet never actually answers their concerns. He utters falsehoods with such frequency that even his staff has a difficult time managing truth from fiction. He uses regulatory power to control the wealthy and he uses fear and prejudice to control the minds of the weak and uneducated.

Over the course of this past year he has suggested the murder of an opposing candidate stating, “By the way, if she gets to pick, if she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the Second Amendment people, maybe there is, I don't know.” He has stated that he supports beating protesters saying, “Knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. OK, just knock the hell -- I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees. I promise. I promise.” Even more disturbing is the following statement, “By the way, I hate some of these people, but I'd never kill them. I hate them. No, I think, no these people, honestly, I'll be honest, I'll be honest, I would never kill them. I would never do that. Let's see, uh, no I wouldn't.” He brought up killing people who oppose him and had to think about whether he would do it?! Trump may not be Assad yet but he is clearly only a couple degrees of evil removed. What is even more terrifying is how many people have bought into his propaganda even while he institutes policies that harm them.

Whenever we hear the words “Syrian refugees” we must remember the horrors of the world that they are escaping from and show compassion and acceptance. We are going through a time of immense turmoil and in many ways are going through our own cultural civil war. We cannot allow ourselves to become like Syria. We must not allow the branches of our government to be compromised by hate, fear and greed. We must not allow our own fears to keep us from reaching out a hand to a person in need. If we do not speak now, if we do not act now, then Bashar al-Assad, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump will become this generation’s Axis of Evil and we will be complicit.

You can read the study by Amnesty International as well as some learning materials on the crisis in Syria and Russia through the links below:


http://www.amnestyusa.org/research/reports/human-slaughterhouse-mass-hangings-and-extermination-at-saydnaya-prison-syria

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/article/what-is-the-state-of-dissent-in-vladimir-putins-russia/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/16979186

Picture by: edwin.11

Trump Vows to Send Statue of Liberty Back to France

Speaking at the National Prayer Breakfast, Donald Trump surprised attendees by announcing plans to tear down the Statue of Liberty and send it back to France. “Look, we need security. We need to be the best at it. To protect our borders. Our symbol can no longer be a tall ugly woman telling terrorists they can just walk right in. That’s not right. No one wants to see that. It’s weak. Later today I will be signing an executive order to remove the Statute of Liberty and send it back to France in pieces. They want the refugees, they can have them all.”

The Statue of Liberty has stood as a beacon to those entering the United States since it was gifted by France in 1886. Between 1886-1924, 14-million immigrants entered New York and one of their first sights was the lady who welcomed them with open arms. The Statue of Liberty’s base holds a bronze plaque with the following poem by Emma Lazarus,

“Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Trump was quick to quell the disconcerted reaction of attendees, “Just don’t worry about it….We have to be tough, it’s time we’re going to be a little bit tough, folks. I am going to build a new Statue of Liberty. It’s going to be bigger. So big. So big they can see it in Iran. And I’m gonna have a new model. A gorgeous girl. I’m going to hold a pageant and the winner will be the new Statue. The new model, gorgeous. She’ll be standing in that spot smiling, and maybe she’ll have a gun. She’ll be telling them to keep out. Wonderful. Strong.”

French officials have not responded to interview requests but a spokesman for Prime Minister Bernard Cazeneuve confirmed that they have been in contact with the White House. A small group of protesters have already begun to gather around the National Monument and officials believe that the numbers will swell in the coming hours.



Orbson’s Call to Action: Have you ever noticed that whenever Trump speaks it sounds like somebody Frankensteined a Cheetos? For example, while talking about Black History Month he states, “You read all about Martin Luther King when somebody said I took a statue out of my office. And it turned out that that was fake news. The statue is cherished. It’s one of the favorite things—and we have some good ones. We have Lincoln, and we have Jefferson, and we have Dr. Martin Luther King.”
He appears to have the intellectual capacity of a 5-year old. A white supremacist, egomaniacal 5-year old, but still a 5-year old. I began to ponder why that might be and may have a theory. Perhaps at some point in his life he suffered a head injury, who knows, perhaps he was peed on a bit too hard. Regardless, he may now be suffering from the aftereffects. Now, I am not a doctor but if Saturday morning cartoons have taught me anything, another knock on the head could help him out quite a bit. So for this call to action I ask you to call you representatives, the media and anyone else in contact with President Pussygrabber and ask them, for Trump’s own well-being, to smack him as hard as they can. Go forth…

Photograph by Erik Daniel Drost

The Girl with the Beautiful Eyes

The little girl with the beautiful eyes. There is sorrow in that blue that few of us have ever known, this little girl with the beautiful eyes. Against the wall she leans, her gaze far off and the little colorful helicopter on her sweater covered in days’ worth of filth. The little girl with the beautiful eyes has seen too much. I wonder what her joyful days were like, this little girl with the beautiful eyes. I wonder whether there were birthdays with balloons and presents reflected in those beautiful eyes. I wonder if she watched as the bombs stole her parents away from her. Did she see it happen through the tears of those beautiful eyes? Did she see the other children, tens of thousands like her whose lives would be so different if they didn’t call Syria home? She will never be the same, this girl with the beautiful eyes. She’ll be broken even if she is able to find sanctuary, the memories haunting behind those beautiful eyes. Will she be able to find someone to help her, the girl with the beautiful eyes? Someone to love her and care for her and show those beautiful eyes a better world? A world where dreams can come true. A world with a home and people to love her and her beautiful eyes. I don’t know if she made it out, the girl with the beautiful eyes. 10,000 sets of beautiful young Syrian eyes are missing. I almost hope they are closed forever, for there are some things that beautiful eyes should never see. 50,000 sets of beautiful young eyes will never see light again. I do not know if hers are still open, the girl with the beautiful eyes. Did she find a place to rest her heart? Was she turned away, the girl with the beautiful eyes? I think I will call her Amena, the girl with the beautiful eyes. If she is forgotten, if she is lost, she at least deserves a name. She deserves to be remembered, the girl with the beautiful eyes.

***

We have been asked to build a wall around us both literally and figuratively. We have been asked to turn away from the innocent. To allow them to suffer and even die because they are not convenient to us, because they may make our lives a little more difficult. I reject this. I reject this with every ounce of morality in my soul. We are facing great difficulties in our nation: poverty, homelessness, environmental destruction, rampant political and corporate corruption, demagogue leaders who seek to divide us. But, regardless of our political views, we have to agree on this one thing. We must treat our fellow human beings with compassion and love. We live in a country that was built on letting people in. Our country’s greatest symbol screams out to the world,

“Give me your tired, your poor, 

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, 

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” 

If you cannot look into the eyes of a child like Amena with compassion and empathy then you can no longer call yourself pro-life. If you support sending unaccompanied children back to countries where they will be forced into gangs, raped and murdered then you cannot call yourself a Christian. If you are not willing to open our nation’s golden doors for the innocent men and women who are only seeking a better life, then your morality has been corrupted. I am agnostic but believe that wherever the truth in life rests, it must be for those who are willing to reach out a hand to their fellow human beings. Though perhaps my words will fall on filtered ears, where truth is alternative and compassion is mocked. Then find guidance in another. Listen to Pope Francis as he says, “We must not be taken aback by their numbers, but rather view them as persons, seeing their faces and listening to their stories….”

I will remember Amena. I will hope that those beautiful eyes are gazing out at something wonderful. Something healing. I will remember that there are other Amenas throughout the world. In Syria, and Guatemala, Honduras and El Salvador, Africa and Alabama. I will think of all of the world’s little boys and girls, men and women who only need a chance to survive, to thrive. Let’s put aside our differences and come together to say that we will not turn away from them, not choose the easy, selfish path. We will welcome them, and look them in their beautiful eyes and let them share their stories with us. Then, in whatever way this world takes us back into it, we will know that for generations of beautiful eyes we made a difference.

Trump Signs Executive Order to Sell Grand Canyon

On Wednesday, U.S. National Parks openly defied Donald Trump’s executive gag order by tweeting facts on the effects of climate change. Thursday morning, Trump took his revenge. Signing yet another executive order, Trump sold the rights to the Grand Canyon National Park to ultra-conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC) for the fee of $1. The JLC has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling companies. They’ve petitioned for the Grand Canyon rights in the past but had always been denied. Trump spoke about his decision: “The parks are mine now and I can do with them what I like. What’s best for the country. This is a great day. Wonderful. Tons of jobs. Tons. There’s going to be money falling from the skies because of this.” 

A JLC spokesman was on hand as Trump signed the order and he discussed their plans for the former national park.  “Today is a great day for those who love Jesus. We are pleased to announce the new site for the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range,” a wholesome park that will be fun and educational for the entire family. It will bring job growth to the region and increase tourism. At the same time, the park will spread the gospel, something the Grand Canyon never did.”

When asked how they planned to build a theme park in the Grand Canyon, the JLC spokesman stated, “Well, of course we’ll need to fill it in. It’s a huge project, just like Noah’s Ark, but we are extremely thankful that President Trump has agreed to have the federal government help with that part of the construction.” According to plans, it will cost roughly $800 billion to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement. Trump defended the cost citing job creation and the spread of good wholesome values. “The Grand Canyon is not ‘grand’, it is merely a giant hole in the ground. If you had a hole in your backyard you’d fill it up right? I had a hole in my backyard and Mike Pence came over and helped me fill it right up. Felt great to finally put something in that hole. Something beautiful. Look, the Grand Canyon is not profitable but the ‘Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range’ will make buckets of money for everyone.”

Construction on the ‘Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range’ will begin on Monday, April 17 of this year. According to released documents the park will include such innovative attractions as the Lazarus Rising Rollercoaster, AK47s for Toddlers, The Great Dinosaur Myth Exhibit and The Book of Job Gift Shop and Food Emporium. The highlight of the park will undoubtedly be the one of a kind experiences such as the Do-It-Yourself Crucifixion and the Alter Boy Experience, a wonderful opportunity to have your children spend some enlightened alone time with one of the park’s priests. Admission to the park is expected to be $149 per person, though $499 will give you access to both Experiences as well as your own souvenir bible. Some in the religious community are already excited. Father Michael Carrington of the Church of God but Only My God Not Yours spoke, “I can’t wait to see the legions of boys and girls on their knees and having good time.”

Will this be the beginning of a National Park sell off? Perhaps Trump’s latest tweet might hold the answer, “Told them to shut up, they didn’t. Now one of them is gone. Sad. What do they have to say now? Nothing. New jobs. Winning.”

In Orbson News:

The Orbson Oracle: Reports from the U.S. House of Representatives confirm that after the massive outcry from Trump’s new “Burn this Fucker Down” environmental policy they have decided that they would include partial coverage for both gas masks and oxygen tanks in their new health care program.

Orbson’s Call to Action: Trump’s administration will seek to punish Sanctuary Cities by denying them Federal funds. We should contact the mayors of these cities and let them know we support them. Further, we should commit to prioritizing these cities (if possible) in any vacation plans. That way we support their kindness and compassion with our pocketbooks. Likewise, we should encourage other cities to become Sanctuary Cities by letting them know that we won’t be spending our money there if they don’t. Evidence suggests that Sanctuary Cities create greater harmony between police and immigrant communities without significantly affecting crime rates. In fact, there tends to be better reporting of crimes in those cities. I frequently visit Seattle and Portland which I am proud to say are both Sanctuary cities. How about you?

Orbson Rice's Call to Action: If you are not already familiar, seek out and follow EarthJustice on Facebook. They are an environmental law firm that has a top rating on Charity Navigator. Their tagline is "Because the Earth needs a good lawyer." THE ISSUE: Congress is attempting to rush through three bills that EarthJustice calls the "Dirty Bundle". If passed, these will allow the deregulation of companies that actively pollute the Earth, stripping away protections like The Clean Air Act. Read about the trio of environment shattering bills on their website and then take action. ACTIONS: Contact your representatives and/or make a small donation to this worthy organization. Even $1 can make a difference.

Progressive Screaming - Get Your Protest On!

The fool shouts and in doing so proudly displays his foolishness. A wise person shouts through his actions and the ripples reverberate through society. Around our great nation the demonstrations and protests are underway. Please remember that it was Gandhi who said, “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” Screaming profanities and insults, or committing acts of violence or vandalism will not change the world for the better. We progressives, who have criticized the conservative right for so long, must not take up their mantle by acting with immaturity and ignorance. We must hold ourselves to a higher standard. We must allow our minds to be in control, and focus our anger towards the goals of progress and positivity.

Progressive Screaming

1. Hey Congressional Democrats, show up to the inauguration. The egomaniac wants the stage all to himself. Deny him. When Trump is asked to take the oath of office, turn your backs to him and sing or chant to demonstrate your dedication to equality and positive change. Wear a sign over your crotch that says “Not for you!” Carry umbrellas with the words “Not ready for Trump’s Golden Age” on the top of them. Then, just as he places his hand on the Lincoln Bible (don’t get me started on using the Bible in a country that isn’t supposed to favor one religion) stand up as one and hand-in-hand walk away singing,

“Get up, stand up: stand up for your rights!
Get up, stand up: stand up for your rights!
Get up, stand up: stand up for your rights!
Get up, stand up: don't give up the fight!” – Bob Marley

2. Speak only the truth. Sometimes the truth can hurt, sometimes the facts do not fall in our favor. We must show our integrity by embracing all truth regardless of personal gain. We MUST STOP sharing memes and articles that are unverified or clickbait especially from liberal sources. Verify your facts before you say them, post them or act on them. Do not give conservatives ammunition because they will use it to fuel their propaganda machine. Support those groups and news agencies that verify facts, speak truthfully and don’t just have flashy titles with little substance. If we are going to look down on Trump supporters’ ignorance we cannot do so while standing on the precipice of a shaky foundation. Eventually we will fall.

3. Remember who the enemy truly is. Attacking individuals is never the solution, attack the ideas. Then, show the country, the world, your own ideas through carefully thought out planning. Have a platform, a goal and a plan of action to achieve that goal. Highlight injustices while simultaneously showing that there exists better solutions for the challenges facing us. Be honest. Remember, when you factor in those of voting age who did not vote, only 26% of the country voted for him. That means 74% did not. Speak to them. Protest to them.

4. Make phone calls. That has been shown to be the most effective form of protest thus far. Have your representatives on speed dial and call them for each and every thing that happens in this new administration that goes against something you believe in. Be intelligent, prepared, sincere and kind. Contact corporations that support the administration and let them know that while you respect their right to their own beliefs you will no longer be spending money with them. Did you know the Koch brothers own Brawny, Quilted Northern and Dixie cups? Learn about the items you buy every month and then adjust accordingly. Find the companies that support your beliefs and invest your dollars in their products. Contact the new company and let them know why you are making the switch. Even one phone call per week from each of us can change the world.

5. Protest like progressives, with your minds. Sing, chant, stand silently, strip naked, but do it peacefully and with purpose. When someone yells at you, calls you names or throws things at you, do not allow yourself to give in to hate. Sing louder. Stand taller. If you see those abuses happen to someone else, rush to their side, take their hand and combine your strength with theirs. Thank the police for offering their protection. Remember most of them are truly wonderful and selfless people. Bring them cookies. If you do see problems, know your rights. Record them, be ready to send the video to news agencies immediately (have them on speed dial), but do not allow yourself to give in to the rage that we are all feeling. Dr. King, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, and You.

“History has its eyes on you.” People are going to be talking about these next years for decades. We are a part of a fundamental shift in the direction this nation is heading and you my friends are on the right side. Be remembered for how you fight. Finally my friends, know this: Whether you are marching in Washington D.C. with hundreds of thousands of people or there are just 5 of you in a small town in Idaho, I will be there standing with you in spirit. I believe in you. Now go out into the world and get your protest on!

A Spray of Deception

Today I found myself watching a stream of the Trump press conference. As he spoke of a new Golden Era, I cannot help but wonder whether these lurid Trump accusations that have been showered down upon us lately have been manufactured to keep our attention off of the number one issue. Let’s face it, Republicans are a whiz at deception. Perhaps these latest leaks are merely distractions from the flow of underhanded and terrifying things Congress is actually doing behind the curtain. Perhaps they believe that your innate ability to be easily distracted by shock entertainment will render you unable to see through the mist of corruption. Still you should not be pissed, for we were already aware of the yellow of their bellies. They can try to hide their cowardice and corruption but you should be relieved, because there are many of us who are watching. Here are but a few examples of the rain of deceit occurring in the last few days:

Who Needs Ethics? Congress attempted to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics. The first act of this Congress was to try to kneecap the very watchdog that works to ensure that our politicians act ethically. If that is not telling, I do not know what is.

The Let’s Spend Billions but Not Tell Anyone Rule! House Rules package with a carefully placed addition specifying that the Congressional Budget office should hide the expenses for repealing Obamacare from the public. They don’t want us to know just how much money or how many jobs were lost because of their actions. Transparency at its finest.

The Asshole’s Guide to Employee Management: The revival of the Holman rule which would allow Congress to lower certain federal salaries to $1, essentially firing employees in positions they don’t want them doing. I guess we now know why Trump asked for names from the Energy Department for those working on “Climate Change” as well as names from the State Department for those working on “Gender Equity.”

Introducing The Beautiful Grand Canyon Oil Fields: Another carefully placed House Rules Package trick that will make it much easier for Congress to give away federal lands without reimbursement, or citizen input. One guess who will benefit. Developers who line Congress’s pockets.


I think it may just be time to call your representatives and tell them to put these rules where they belong, in the toilet. As for those of you who are counting, there are actually 14 “Golden Shower” references in the first paragraph. Hey, I may be paying attention to the corruption and evil but that doesn’t mean I’m not still laughing. Can you find them all?

Politifact Declares ‘Pants on Fire’ to Trump’s: ‘You know, I'm, like, a smart person.’

The Pulitzer Prize winning fact checking organization Politifact has chosen its 2016 Lie of the Year. The winner for the second straight year is President-Elect Donald Trump. After winning by a landslide in 2015, the odds of a repeat victory were strong. However, Trump cemented his lead with one of the craziest and most outlandish public statements he has ever made. In an interview Sunday, Trump’s refusal to receive intelligence briefings was brought into question and he responded with the poetic resonance of a 17-year-old valley girl, "You know, I'm, like, a smart person." According to a Politifact spokesperson it took only 30 seconds to confer the verdict, ‘Pants on Fire’ as well as award Trump the 2016 Lie of the Year award. The delay in the decision was due to the stunned silence in the room following his statement, followed by a barrage of raucous laughter.

In 2015, Trump won the coveted Lie of the Year not with one mere lie, but with a totality of lies that would extend Pinocchio’s nose all the way to Vladimir Putin. A whopping 76% of Trump’s statements received ‘Mostly False’, ‘False’ or ‘Pants on Fire’ verdicts. While there are always a few annoying citizens that prefer that their President speak the truth, you have to be impressed with the extraordinary ability the man has to spread deceit. Donald Trump is truly the Michelangelo of Lies. For those lie-haters however, it should be noted that the latest tally of Trump lies shows substantial improvement. Only 70% of his statements are rated as ‘Mostly False’, ‘False’ or ‘Pants on Fire’. It should also be noted that a massive 4% of his statements were given the ‘True’ verdict which among republicans is actually pretty respectable.






photo by Evan Guest

The Morning After

The morning comes and the world is not yet on fire. I have not felt this level of devastation since 9/11. I can honestly say that the events of the last 24-hours instill more fear in me than that dreadful day. My inbox has been flooded with messages asking, “What can we do?” “What do I tell my kids?” “I’m scared for my life, should I flee the country?” I have struggled with my answer. Who am I to even begin to answer? Should you flee the country? Maybe. That’s the truth. The United States of America, the beacon for freedom and democracy, the most powerful nation in the world just placed into power not only a President, but an entire government whose ideology threatens the very freedoms we have worked for centuries to obtain. If you are a woman, a Muslim, a Jew, disabled, a person of color, LGBQT, I understand your fears. I cannot even fathom what must be happening in your minds right now and I’m sorry that I didn’t do more to try to stop this. The election is over and I could rant for pages about the hatred and bigotry.  About all that we could lose and all the rights that hang on the precipice. I could draw comparisons to regimes throughout history. Regimes in which, if you didn’t fit a specific look and belief you were ostracized, imprisoned and much, much worse. That is where my mind is at when you ask me if you should flee. I wonder if Jewish families asked their friends the same question early on in Germany. That is what kept me awake last night. What do we do? What do we tell our children? Is it bad enough that it’s time to run?  I don’t believe I have an answer for you, but I do have an answer for me. I rise up. I fight.

Democracy only exists when you don’t always get your way. Last night I didn’t get my way, but at least for now, our democracy is still alive. Do you want to know what to tell your kids? Tell them that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote; that the majority of Americans chose her to be your President. That sometimes the system doesn’t work, sometimes the person who shouts the loudest wins. Sometimes the bully wins, even if all they shout is nothing but hate and lies. It’s not fair, but life isn’t always fair, it’s how you respond that matters. So here is what I tell you today, for whatever little it might be worth.

I am not alone. You are not alone. WE ARE NOT ALONE.

Do not give into hate, fight it with LOVE. Do not be tempted to violence, fight it with LOVE. Do not go quietly into that night with your heads bowed, raise up your voices and shout from every rooftop that you stand with your brothers and sisters from every walk of life. As for those of you who are afraid for their lives this morning, if you leave I will understand, but if you stay I will continue to stand at your side. Join me as a lay myself down in front of this steamroller of hate, because while it may crush a few of us, if we stand together it will not, it can not succeed in taking us all. Protect your friends, protect strangers, do not turn a blind eye when they began to chip away at our humanity. Form friendships, join organizations of like minded people. Amass as one and fight together for what is right.  Dedicate your mind, your time and your heart. We are all busy just trying to survive in the big world, but now is not the time to put your head into the sand and wait four years. This is our country too and I think it is high time the progressive monster started to get a little rowdy. Will you rise with me?

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Martin Niemöller – “a prominent Protestant pastor who opposed the Nazi regime. He spent the last seven years of Nazi rule in concentration camps.”

Trump: “Next Time it’s Going to be a Solo Debate”

It appears as though Presidential hopeful Donald Trump may be a little confused about the exact nature of a debate. This morning, just hours after the completion of the first Presidential debate he spoke to the press about the unfair and biased format of the event:

“I know how to debate. Believe me, I’m a great debater. The people love how I debate. The problem last night was they kept asking her [Clinton] questions and letting her answer them. That’s not what a debate is. There was no respect to me. She needs to know her place. Her constant need to hear herself speak made it impossible for me to talk about all of my very very great policies to make America excellent again. It’s just another example of the liberal media trying to steal the election. We’re not going to let that happen next time. Next time, it’s going to be a solo debate.”

Putting aside the fact that it would be impossible to actually have a “solo debate”, Trump may have stumbled onto a promising new strategy for his campaign. A solo event would offer the candidate the opportunity to present his views and policies without having to worry about the annoyance of fact checkers. Given the results from the first debate, facts are not his friend. Fortunately, most of his supporters have an aversion to facts, so that weakness is actually a strength for the candidate. The new format would also allow him to simply speak the entire time without having anyone bother him with questions or request clarification on his policies. Again, he would be able to successfully ignore the need to say anything of actual substance. In all, this could be a very successful strategy. The date and time of Trump’s “solo debate” is still in the planning stages, though the SyFy network has offered to air it immediately after a replay Sharknado 4 and has unofficially dubbed it, “Trumpnado”.





Photo by Marc Nozell

Product Launch: “Avoid the Fight, Just be White!” Racial Profiling Prevention Cream

SaTiRe-

This Orb was deemed too provocative and controversial for Free Wood Post and Facebook. That's right, Orbson is a bad boy!

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Have you ever found yourself driving a car? Do you like to wear sweatshirts with hoods? Have you been known to walk down a sidewalk at night? If you answered yes to any of these questions, AND you’re black, you may have found yourself the target of undeserved harassment, beatings, tear gas, being shot at and even being strangled. Well, you don’t need to worry any more because today we are introducing Race-No-More. This pure organic cream was made from the tears of an albino Koala Bear and it will color your problems away with a full-body White Out!  That’s right, avoid the fight, just be white!

Created in our laboratory by a team of highly trained scientists, Race-No-More is the ultimate solution to your racial profiling problems. Sure you could simply be yourself and raise your head proudly for your rich cultural heritage but let’s be realistic. Even with multiple degrees, a six figure salary and driving a Bentley you’re still going to get pulled over for suspicion of grand theft auto. A little bit of Race-No-More’s patented skin alteration cream and suddenly the guns and handcuffs turn into smiles and waves. Side benefits of Race-No-More include better success rates in job interviews and higher wages. If you only cover your face with one white cream this year, make it Race-No-More! Still not convinced? Check out these facts:

In Ferguson, Missouri 86% of stops were black, 92% of searches, 94% of arrests, police twice as likely to search blacks even though whites were more likely to have contraband.

“Black Americans were nearly four times as likely as whites to be arrested on charges of marijuana possession in 2010, even though the two groups used the drug at similar rates”

“African American and Hispanics comprised 58% of all prisoners in 2008, even though
African Americans and Hispanics make up approximately one quarter of the US population”

African Americans serve virtually as much time in prison for a drug offense (58.7 months) as whites do for a violent offense (61.7 months)

One in every three black males born today can expect to go to prison at some point in their life, compared with one in every six Latino males, and one in every 17 white males, if current incarceration trends continue.

Let’s face it, even though the Republican National Committee stated that racism is over in the U.S., people like Philando Castile, Trayvon Martin, Dontre Hamilton, Michael Brown and Eric Garner would likely be alive today if they were white. Racism is rooted in ignorance and evil, but since we’re not close to winning the battle against either, it’s time to protect yourself. For only $19.95 you’ll receive a 10-application supply of Race-No-More and if you order today, you will get an absolutely free Race-No-More Quick Change Kit complete with Bermuda shorts, fanny pack, Hawaiian shirt and a Taylor Swift CD. Supplies are limited so order yours today!

This advertisement was brought to you by the makers of “Under 40- The Anti-Age Discrimination Skin Stretcher” and “The Portable Penis Salary Raising Kit- They can’t pay you less if you have one too!”

Orbson Rant of the Day: I was told that even liberals might have problems with this Orb. If that is the case then we have taken political correctness to an extreme in which there is no turning back. I think the Orb pretty clearly demonstrates that 1) I hate racism  2) There exists a tremendous amount of racism in our justice system and finally 3) I do not believe that people of any color should have to paint their faces so as not to be harassed. I mean seriously, if that is what you get from this Orb than it might be time to file a lawsuit against every single teacher you have ever had because baby, you be STUUUUUUPID.

Anonymous Hacks IRS Database- Publishes Trump’s Tax Returns

Tuesday evening, the mysterious hacker collective known as Anonymous hacked the main database for the Internal Revenue Service. The group appeared to have a singular target- Republican Presidential contender Donald Trump. Though Trump has been criticized by both parties for his failure to produce his tax returns, he has consistently refused to do so saying, “You don’t learn anything from a tax return.” After hacking Mitt Romney’s tax returns in 2012, Anonymous clearly believes that knowledge and transparency are important to the public.

The Anonymous attack successfully retrieved 12-years worth of Trump’s tax returns and published them without permission on more than a hundred top websites. The majority of the sites removed the returns within minutes, however it was too late to completely protect the candidate’s already tainted image. We at the Orbson Oracle were able to examine Trump’s 2012 tax return and found that he had good reason to fear its release. Between his shocking tax rate and his bizarre itemized deductions this will surely add to the ever increasing questions as to his suitability to be President.

Trump campaign spokeswoman Katrina Pierson stated last week that “there has been no year in which Trump paid zero taxes”. In 2012, this was true. He earned $37,746,530, far less that the $400+ million he claims. His final tax burden? Trump didn’t pay $0 in taxes, he actually received a tax refund of $7,832,224. That’s right, he cashed in a 7.8-million dollar tax refund. Recently, Trump stated that “I fight like hell to pay as little as possible.” So, how did Trump “earn” a tax refund? According to his return, he had approximately $37,743,000 in itemized deductions. In addition to massive business write-offs for legal fees relating to his fraudulent Trump “University” and fraudulent real estate transactions, Trump had other more unusual deductions.

Trump’s deductions ranged from $118,923 for “Tribble Hair Services” to a $3.8 million dollar write-off for “Anal Bleaching” both listed as an “image expense”. He also made numerous charitable contributions to places like The National Association for the Advancement of White Men and the Trump Fund which provides financial and emotional assistance to wealthy men going through divorce. The Trump family also paid salaries to their numerous employees including, eight chauffeurs, two yacht captains, four pilots for their private jets, two professional dog walkers, one full-time “Tribble stylist” and perhaps most unusual of all a “live-in  Hillary Clinton Impressionist” supposedly used for “debate prep”. Of course given the sordid details revealed about Trump’s “Favorite Fantasy Scenario” in the Ashley Madison hack, he likely has other uses for the unfortunate impressionist.

In addition to his bizarre proclivities, Trump also deducted health related expenses.  These included $1,843,000 for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a condition termed “Pseudologia fantastica” also known as Compulsive Liar Syndrome. Additionally, he claimed $3,141,816 for the treatment of “Extreme Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. The combination of these two psychological issues may explain a lot about Trump’s antics. According to noted Psychiatrist Dr. Bryan King, “Pathological liars seem utterly sincere about their lies, but if confronted with facts to the contrary, will often just as sincerely reverse their story.'' According to Politifact, a news organization that researches the veracity of politician’s statements, only 2% of Trump’s examined statements were found to be completely true. “Add that to the extreme case of N.P.D’, states Dr. King, “and you have a man with a God Complex who will say and do anything without hesitation or remorse.”    

While the 2012 tax return only gives us a brief glimpse into the life of Donald Trump, it is unlikely that the other 12-years worth of returns would have given us his complete financial picture. Given that Trump has several secret tax havens in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda, we will likely never know the extent of his holdings or of the other unorthodox appetites he quenches with that money. However, the Anonymous hack did succeed in giving Americans a better understanding of the Republican candidate.


Photograph of Guy Fawkes Mask courtesy of Anonymous Editor
Photograph of Trump by: Michael Vadon

California Law Bans Republicans from Using ANY Public Restroom

California Governor Jerry Brown is expected to sign into law a bill which would make it illegal for registered Republicans to use any public restroom in the state. Speaking before the House Committee on Fecal Evacuation, the bill’s chief proponent Phil M. Colon detailed the bill’s purpose and enforcement: “This bill has been a long time coming. Over the years we have received thousands of complaints about Republicans using public restrooms and now we finally have the chance to do something about it.”

According to Colon, there are two primary reasons to be concerned about Republicans use of public restrooms: “First is the obvious problem - they simply can’t be trusted. As Republicans work diligently to discriminate against the innocent transgender community, they completely ignore the fact that it’s Republicans that are the greater threat to the public’s safety in restrooms.” According to Colon it isn’t only ignorance and fear that Republicans are spreading in restrooms. A large number in the party have been arrested for a wide array of misdeeds, sexual and otherwise. For example, former Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for trying to initiate a sexual encounter with an undercover cop in a Minneapolis restroom. There is also Florida Representative Bob Allen who, in a men’s room at a public park, was arrested when he offered to pay $20 and perform oral sex on an undercover cop. Of course who could forget Dennis Hastert, former Republican Speaker of the House who was accused of sexually abusing four male students followed by a litany of illegal acts trying to cover it up. “I don’t know if it’s the repressed nature of Republicans or some deep and disturbing evil within them that makes them behave in this way” says Colon, “but we must act now to stop them and protect the innocent.”

The second rationale Colon offers for banning Republicans from public restroom use has to do with sanitation, “Republicans have proven that they are completely full of fecal matter. Top to bottom, full of it. Having to force good people to be in such close proximity to walking piles of fecal matter is simply not sanitary nor is it pleasant.” At first glance, this may seem like nothing more than an insult but according to researchers at John Hopkins University, Colon may be on to something. “While the classification of Republicans as ‘full of fecal’ matter is a misnomer, there does exist a high level of metaphorical fecal matter stemming from their ignorance, racism, homophobia and fear of knowledge. From a public health standpoint, that ‘fecal matter’ is far more harmful to the population as a whole and should be isolated else it spread to the uninfected.”

Public support for the bill has been overwhelmingly positive. According to one city employee, “I love it! I don’t want my children in the same room with one of those people. It’s not safe. Look, I’m sure some of them are okay but really, we can’t take that chance with our children’s safety.” As for where the Republicans will go to the bathroom, Colon has a simple solution. “We’d suggest that Republicans use bathrooms at their homes. If they fervently believe they need access to public restrooms, than they’ll need to purchase them with money out of their own pocket, build them themselves and designate that they are only to be used by members of their party.” Where will Republicans get funding for these new restrooms? “That’s not really our concern, though evidence points to them demanding Mexico to pay for the restrooms.”

Trump Reveals Controversial New Mustache

When the rhetoric wasn’t enough he mimicked the salute. When that wasn’t enough Donald Trump, the frontrunner for the Republican nomination for President, decided to make one small change to his appearance: a mustache. Now it would be fair to say that sporting the style of mustache worn by a certain infamous German dictator may raise a few eyebrows. Though, if we were to believe Mr. Trump, this was merely a fashion choice with no intent to emulate anyone. When questioned about the mustache and the comparisons that quickly arose Trump responded, “What? I don’t know anything about that. Look, people like it. They ask me all the time to grow one. It’s great. I love having it and people love to see me with it. I really don’t see the similarity.”

While there is a possibility that Trump has never seen an image of one of most evil human beings to ever exist, one would wonder why nobody on his staff would point out the similarity. Trump, who is not known for backing down from a fight even when he is heinously wrong says, “You know, other people have mustaches and that’s okay for them. I get one and people get upset. But that’s okay because the people want me as their leader. They want me to look great. They want America to look great and they want me to take them to the promised land which I fully intend to do.”

As for the repercussions, Trump’s poll number rose by another 4 points. This probably shouldn’t come as a surprise. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center the number of radical hate groups has risen from 149 to 998 since President Obama took office in 2008. The KKK has also officially endorsed Trump and believes his ideology best matches their own. Hate is strong in the U.S.A. and Trump is taking full advantage. For Americans looking for a voice of sanity amongst Republicans, they’re in for a long wait. Here is what his fellow party members had to say:

Ted Cruz: “I actually kinda like it. I don’t know, there’s something about it that just looks really right to me. I can’t grow facial hair myself but good for him. Good choice.”

Marco Rubio: “Who is Hitler? Is that the guy who plays shortstop for the Reds?”

Sarah Palin: “I think he looks dreamy. I would follow that man anywhere and if he selects me as his Vice President I would happily ride that mustache to the Oval Office.”

As for what’s next in Trump’s arsenal of fascist follies only time will tell. For now, we’ll just sit back and watch as thousands of people across the nation raise their hands to salute the mustached man who only wants to make America white or uh, great again.



Unedited photo by: Niniam Reid 

Trump: “Francis Better Watch Out or I’ll Run for Pope”

The Republican Presidential frontrunner has picked a new focus for his verbal attacks- Pope Francis. After returning from an extended trip to Mexico a reporter asked the pontiff about Trump’s blatantly racist comments regarding the deportation of illegal immigrants and the possibility of building a wall between the U.S. and Canada. Pope Francis replied, “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian.” Trump responded with all of the vitriol you would expect saying, “I like the pope unless the pope doesn’t like me…. Then I don’t like the pope.” Later, Trump took it one step further, “Francis better watch out or I’ll run for pope after I’m President and then he’ll be out of a job. I’m the real Christian here. Before long, it’ll be known as Trumpican City, because I am Trump and I Can!”

The Orbson Oracle reached out to the congregation at the Church of God but Only My God Not Yours in Sumiton, Alabama for their views on the controversial statement. “Jesus didn’t like no rapists and murderers and neither does Trump. Jesus, he built walls to keep out all sorts of dirty people. You know, if Jesus were alive today he would vote for Trump and he’d probably make him pope too!” said, Cletus Bodean. His sister/wife Eustice agreed, “We gotta build those walls to keep those Mexicans from raping our cows and stealing our Meth… uh… money.”

Of course not everyone agreed with this ‘thinking’. In an Oracle exclusive we spoke to the man himself, Jesus Christ. We caught up with Jesus in a homeless shelter in Portland, Oregon where he was helping the workers serve food. When we asked about the recent exchange between Trump and the pope he simply shook his head and said, “When people are hungry they should be fed. When they are sick they should be given medicine. When they are cold they should be given a roof over their heads, clothes on their back and warmth in their hearts from knowing that they are loved. This is truth and truth knows not of color or race, gender or orientation.” When asked who he would be supporting this election season he replied, “That is not for me to say.” While Jesus was not willing to officially endorse any candidate we did find it interesting that under a worn denim jacket he wore a t-shirt with an artistic rendering of a wild silver-haired man underneath the words “Feel the Bern”.

Want the t-shirt that Jesus was wearing?

The unique “Feel the Bern” t-shirt was created by Numberism Portland based artist Sienna Morris. The image of Bernie Sanders was created using intricately placed numbers and letters representing many of Sanders goals for our country. 90% of the profits from sales of the shirts are donated to the Sanders campaign and they are currently on sale HERE.





Pre-Mashup Photos by: Sergey Gabdurakhmanov and Boss Tweed

Trump Boasts International Relations Skills: “Palin’s endorsement is proof that the Country of Alaska supports me.”

Republican Presidential ‘dopeful’, Donald Trump may not have any experience in international relations but at least he can identify other countries right? Apparently not. During a benefit luncheon hosted by the National Association for the Advancement of White Men, Trump touted his ability to communicate and negotiate with other nations. He pointed to his recent endorsement by former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin: “Palin’s endorsement is proof that the country of Alaska supports me. The democrats like to say that I don’t have experience dealing with other countries but that’s simply a lie. I have excellent relations with countries like Alaska. “

While no one attending the luncheon caught his mistake, he was asked about it by journalists following the event. “Of course Alaska is another country. You clearly don’t know your geology. It’s not even connected. What do you think, it’s a neighborhood in Manhattan? Get out of here. This is the problem with the liberal media, they think they know everything, but guess what, I know more.”

The stunned journalists decided to leave it alone, after all Alaska is generally a ‘red’ state and if Trump doesn’t want the Republicans to have those three electoral votes, then who are we to judge.

Bill O’Reilly Says He’ll Leave U.S. if Sanders Wins, Sanders' Poll Numbers Skyrocket

Conservative talk show host Bill O’Reilly has inadvertently given democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders a massive jump in his polling numbers. On Thursday’s “O’Reilly Factor”, O’Reilly stated “If Bernie Sanders gets elected president, I’m fleeing. I’m going to Ireland.” The impact of his statement was quickly apparent as Friday’s polling numbers gave Sanders an immediate 14-point boost, making him the clear frontrunner amongst democratic candidates. Even contender Hillary Clinton rang in saying, “When I heard that, I even considered voting for Bernie.”

O’Reilly did admit that, “I shouldn’t say it publicly because that will get Sanders more votes," but even he was unlikely to realize just how much the American people would like to see him gone. The Sanders campaign has been enjoying the fallout of O’Reilly’s comments. Since Thursday there has been a massive increase in campaign donations with many pointing to the statement as their motivation. However there are some people who are not as happy. Both Michael Higgins the current President of Ireland as well as Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Enda Kenny released a statement saying, “While Mr. O’Reilly is welcome to come to Ireland for a short visit, we think it would be better for all involved if he didn’t stay. Perhaps a more conservative environment would fit him better. We hear North Korea is nice in November.” Ireland, who in May of last year overwhelming voted to legalize gay marriage, may not be the best place to run from a President who believes in equality and fairness.

Of course whether Sanders or Clinton get the nomination it may not make a difference for the conservative mouthpiece. Polling numbers show that either candidate would win if the election were held today and as conservative candidates alienate more people with every word they utter, that trend is likely to continue. Even today, 54% of Americans say they would vote for actor Matt Damon, TV personality Bill Nye the Science Guy or Grump Cat from internet meme fame over anyone in the Republican field. As for the Sanders campaign they are actively seeking others to pledge that they would leave the country with a Sanders victory. As one staffer says, “If the polls are correct, we could get 70% of the popular vote if Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter agreed to leave too.”




Photo By: Senate Democrats 

Obama to Trump: “Perhaps Ignorant Racists Should Wear Special ID Badges Too”

For President Obama, the political correctness gloves have been taken off and placed firmly up Donald Trump’s butt. Without the concern of reelection the President has become increasingly vocal, commenting frequently on the barrage of hate, intolerance and ignorance spewing from conservatives. Thursday was no exception as Obama took to Twitter to respond to an interview in which Trump indicated that a Muslim database and special ID badges that identify Muslims are policies he would consider to fight terrorism:

“We’re going to have to do things that we never did before. And some people are going to be upset about it….  And certain things will be done that we never thought would happen in this country in terms of information and learning about the enemy. And so we’re going to have to do certain things that were frankly unthinkable a year ago.”

President Obama’s epic response may just be his best yet, “@realdonaldtrump Perhaps ignorant racists should wear special ID badges too. I'll have one made up for you.”

Of course the President was also quick to point out that of the 2,000 Syrian refugees the U.S. has taken in thus far, half were children and another quarter were more than 60 years old. Of course facts are not always friendly to conservatives and will likely be met with confused stares followed by the yelling of such things as “Benghazi!” or “Obamacare sucks!” While these are excellent conservative identifiers, the President’s idea still has merit. If you walk into a random store and the owner is proudly wearing his or her “I’m a racist, misogynistic, homophobic, ignorant conservative” badge it might make you rethink your shopping habits.

As for Mr. Trump and those who share his desire to recreate Nazi Germany, in 2010 there were 1,600,000,000 Muslims in the world. Even some of the highest estimates (which are likely fabrications) of 250,000 ISIS militants would only equal 0.016% of the entire Muslim population. In fact, according to the Pew Research Center, there is an extremely high level of disdain for ISIS in Muslim countries. The religion of Islam is not the enemy, extremists are. This is true whether the extremists are Muslims or Christians running for political office using fear and ignorance to scare the masses. So, Mr. Trump if the President offers to have you swing by to pick up your “ignorant racist” badge, I would take him up on it. It’s the only way you’ll be seeing the inside of the White House anytime soon.




unedited photo by: Steve Jurvetson

Response to "Immigrants should speak American" (Slam Poetry Style)

By: Orbson Rice (Who Should Probably Not Be Writing Slam Poetry)

“Immigrants should speak American!” says She Who Must Not be Named,
the Alaskan Ice Queen of Tea Party fame.
While I comprehend the words, her meaning remains unclear,
for what exactly does she long to hear?
America is a land of languages, hundreds in fact,
from Spanish and Portuguese and even Nahuatl.
There’s French and there’s Dutch and a dash of Aymara
and let’s not forget the 10-million who speak Quechua.
There are the Mayan languages and the Creoles, Garifuna and Miskito,
from the Yukon, Peru and even from Quito.

One might say that within her ignorant prate,
‘America’ only referred to the States.
Then is English her linguistic glue?
Or perhaps she was referring to the Sioux?
For the words of our natives reverberate in both present and history,
from the Navajo, the Apache to the tongue of Ojibwe.
Or maybe in Alaska she’d like to stick
and only speak the language of the noble Yupik?

But wait, we cannot just fasten our gaze on the States.
We are A Part, not apart.
We are “of” America, with no “All” preceding.
We are cocoa farmers weeding.
We are children playing soccer in the dirt.
We are families and friends seeking fulfillment in concert.
With individual tongues rich and sweet,
yet it is happiness which we ALL seek.
So in response to your words I must exclaim,
oh She Who Must Not be Named,
the Alaskan Ice Queen of Tea Party Fame.
Immigrants SHOULD speak American.
Every language, every phrase, every syllable in every way we can imagine.
“I will!” “I can!” “I believe!” “I dream!” with passion!
In different voices and dialects, more than you can conceive
And one idea gleaned from this human tapestry we weave.
Because from the magma below to the stars above,
there will NEVER exist enough words for love.