Walmart Lowers Minimum Wage to $1 after Hobby Lobby Victory

Commencing immediately, Walmart is lowering the minimum wage of their 2.2 million employees to $1 per hour and permanently ending all health and retirement benefits. The CEO of Walmart, C. Douglas McMillon, made the announcement in a press conference just seconds after the Supreme Court of the United States handed down its controversial decision in Burwell v Hobby Lobby. The conservative court determined that for-profit corporations do not have to abide by the Affordable Care Act’s contraception coverage requirement if it is against that company’s religious beliefs. The dissent pointed out the obvious slippery slope stating that this decision would allow corporations to "opt out of any law" to which they object to on religious principles. The dissent appears to be right as Walmart has declared that they believe paying more than $1 per hour is morally corruptive and thus against their religious beliefs.

According to McMillon, “Today the Supreme Court of this wonderful United States of America has made a just and moral decision. There are many laws in this country and most are good and fair, however we must beware of those laws that seek to corrupt our beliefs. Jesus himself said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” As CEO of Walmart I cannot stand idly by and prevent our employees from entering into the kingdom of God by paying them too much money. That would be morally unsound and thus against our religious beliefs as a corporation. Therefore, from here on out we will help our employees by lowering their wage to $1 per hour and removing the devil’s tools of health and retirement benefits. You are all very welcome!”

Members of the press questioned McMillon’s decision, pointing that he and the other heads of Walmart would still be insanely wealthy and wouldn’t that be morally corrupt as well. McMillon responded, “It would be if wealth is what we desired but this decision is not about profits it is about sacrificing ourselves for the good of our employees. We will bear the burden of wealth so that they do not have to. Again, you are welcome! God bless you and God bless America!”

Since the Supreme Court’s ruling, corporations across the United States have suddenly come upon a serious crisis of faith and are examining the many ways they can rectify the situation. Ending child labor laws, abolishing unions and eliminating employee rights laws that limit work weeks to 40 hours, mandate overtime pay and dictate working conditions all suddenly have become sinful in the eyes of many of our nation’s corporations. Which brings the discussion back to contraceptives. Clearly contraception is wrong because it would prevent the birth of new children to work in the sweatshops. Today is truly a great day to be an American.

Picture by: Mike Mozart 

Republican Environmental Caucus Concedes Major Climate Issue: Rain is not God’s Tears

The preponderance of scientific evidence has finally forced the conservative environmental caucus to concede one of the most divisive climate issues facing our nation. Conservative leaders now freely admit that rain is not the result of God’s tears.

For years the scientific consensus is that rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall due to gravity. However, many conservatives have preached that this is just one possible theory and that other viable theories including “Cryation” should be taught. Cryation teaches that rain is God showering his tears, both of joy and sadness, over his people. Moderate rain is desirable and means God loves you. Heavy rain basically implies that you are drowning in your sins. God condemns liberals, thus it rains often in areas such as Seattle and Portland. A desert climate such as the Middle East, means that God has given up on you completely. Conservatives leaders now seem willing to admit that Cryationism is highly unlikely. Conservatives could easily blame liberals for the drought in California, however they had no answer as to why Arizona’s rapid conservative ideological shift did not spark an increase in rain in that arid state. Therefore they were forced to acknowledge that rain may in fact not be God’s tears but have some other cause.

This major position change brings about as many questions as it answers. Most notably, what happens when God cries? Clearly it cannot beget hurricanes since those occur when God sneezes. Tornadoes? Nope, that happens when God farts? The tears don’t cause snow since that chilly white substance is obviously God’s masturbatory ejaculations. In fact, the caucus does not make clear what form God’s tears actually take on Earth. Perhaps it is the light morning mist that lies peacefully over the valley in the morning. We may never know. Just as the religious right won’t know what beliefs their leaders are planning to abolish next. Who knows, we may wake up one day to find out that our flat Earth is more than 6,000 years old, that dinosaurs actually existed and that the Earth really does revolve around the sun. The horror.




Photo by: Thanh-Tung Nguyen