Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Did Pac-Man Cause America’s Obesity Epidemic?

Howdy Orbsonites! In order to be politically correct I will simply hope that you all had a wonderful... Tuesday. Unless of course you follow a different calendar system in which case I apologize for offending you. As you may have noticed I have been abnormally quiet this month. Between working on my next book, holiday shopping and sobbing uncontrollably every time I turn on the news, I have been surprisingly busy. I have a lot planned for 2013 and if I can accomplish 10% of it, by this time next year I'll be touring with my new book, hosting my own late night TV show and have a line of edible thongs named after me. As for now, I thought it was important to use my gifts to shed light on one of the little yellow evils in the world: Pac-Man.

Did Pac-Man Cause America's Obesity Epidemic?

Is Pac-Man responsible for this country’s obesity problem? According to U.S. Representative John Marston (AZ), the answer is a resounding yes. The psychological effect of video games has been discussed frequently over the past weeks as many people wonder whether the games have become too violent. For Marston though, the problems caused by video games go even deeper. In a statement made on the House floor last week, Marston suggested that any discussion of the evils of video games must include the “yellow devil himself” Pac-Man.

“The original Pac-Man arcade game was released in 1980 when the obesity rate was 15%. Since then, it has more than doubled in adults and tripled in adolescents. Pac-Man is a game in which the player is rewarded by constantly eating pellets, if they stop even for a second they will be attacked by monsters. Clearly, this repetitive activity has trained our children to consume enormous amounts of food. Then in 1982, the game manufacturers targeted girls by creating Ms. Pac-Man. That’s right, not Mrs. Pac-Man but Ms. Pac-Man. Not only must she eat constantly to survive, but her reward was to marry Pac-Man and have a little Pac Baby. This clearly teaches women that over-consumption will lead to happiness. That’s probably why my wife needs a new pair of shoes every other day.” 

According to two studies published in the journal Criminal Justice and Behavior, “playing violent video games does not constitute a significant risk for future violent criminal acts.” Further, a Washington Post report found “no link between video games and gun murders.” Still, psychologists have never fully explored the correlation between obesity and playing Pac-Man or Ms. Pac-Man. If there is a connection, this leaves open the possibility of other potential negative consequences to game play. For example, last month a New Jersey man was found continuously jumping in front of the ape exhibit at the local zoo. When questioned he just kept repeating, “It’s going to throw another barrel, you can’t trust it!” In 2012, mental health professionals have treated over 200 patients who believed that centipedes were dropping down on them. However,  the most disturbing example came in 2008 on Wall Street where corrupt bankers attempted to simply “restart their games” when their questionable business practices drove the U.S. into a deep recession. They were allowed to “restart” without any penalties or jail time. In gamer lingo, the Wall Street tycoons simply modded the system to give themselves unlimited lives, money and power-ups.  Unfortunately for the average citizen, Grand Theft America 4 is due out early next year.

While there may not be a definitive answer to the effects of Pac-Man on the obesity problem in the U.S., Marston does provide persuasive arguments on the effects of video games on our psyche. So next time you see feel compelled to throw a bird at a pig, remember don’t let a video game control your actions and your fears. That’s what the news networks are for.

burgers image link  

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Facebook’s New Privacy Policy Allows Access to Personal Email Accounts

Facebook is facing criticism this week as it unveils a new privacy policy that allows them access to users’ private email accounts. According to page 273 of the policy, “Facebook has the right to access user email accounts in order to obtain data to better customize the Facebook experience. We will never give out user names or passwords to any 3rd party with the exception of affiliated organizations.” Facebook also announced that they will be requiring users to submit two email accounts with corresponding passwords to “adequately secure” their Facebook accounts. Finally, Facebook’s new policy states that all users “knowingly license Facebook and/or its affiliates to use any posts, photographs or videos submitted by the user for the company’s advertising, product creation, market research or any other use allowed by law.” Essentially, anything you post is now owned by Facebook.

Privacy advocates are in an uproar over the new privacy policy which they see as a “blatant disregard for the rights and privacy of the individuals using the website.” Many Facebook users have attempted to fight previous policies by posting a “cease and desist” statement on their timelines. However, according to Cyber Privacy Attorney Harold Pinter Esq. of the newly created U.S. Cyberwrite Office, “That post was a hoax and didn’t accomplish anything. However, the protections it offers are needed and thus we have created a postable cyber-statement to help protect the privacy of all Internet users.” In order to stop Facebook and its affiliates from reading and using your private information, Pinter recommends posting the following onto your timeline:

In accordance with §3.8.6(b) of the Uniform Code for Privacy on the Internet, I hereby state that any and all content placed upon my timeline, or that any friend, associate or entity shall place upon my timeline is hereinafter “cyberwrited” by the Cyberwrite Office of the United States of America. Shall any person or entity knowingly use any information, photographs or video from my timeline without my expressed written permission, they shall be in violation of the Cyber Apocryphal Act of 2012 and I shall be reimbursed in the amount of $1,000 for each instance. This statement is both vacuous and lawful and the legal principle of ego sum stultus hoc est satira shall take immediate effect.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Republicans Caught Creating Fake Polling Stations

(My Election Day Orb has a bit more bite and a little less cheek. By the way, Election Day should be a national holiday. Let's get on that. )

An investigation in Ohio, Wisconsin and Florida has unveiled a plot to create fake polling sites meant to lure Democrats away from real voting stations. The Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (OSCE), a partner to the United Nations, sent 44 “observers” to key swing states to monitor what they feared could be widespread voter fraud by conservative Republicans. The NAACP and the ACLU requested help from the OSCE as they saw potential for “a coordinated political effort to disenfranchise millions of Americans — particularly traditionally disenfranchised groups like minorities.” The OSCE agreed and within hours of the monitors’ arrival, they discovered an indefensible Republican strategy to create fake polling to lure certain voters away from real polling stations.

According to an OSCE monitor,
“I am currently in Cleveland, Ohio at Jane Adams Elementary School. This is an official voting site, however, I witnessed the construction of a fake voting station in the parking lot outside. I noticed that everyone working on the station was wearing Mitt Romney paraphernalia. I approached as a potential volunteer and was told by a young man what they were doing. He was ordered to create this ‘alternate voting site’ and asked to direct certain voters to it. Specifically he would tell any ‘minorities and obvious liberals that the fake site was where they should vote. The young man seemed to believe that their votes would still count, though the machine that accepted ballots was made of cheap plastic and appeared to empty into a trash bin. When I asked what constituted an ‘obvious liberal’, he said he was told to watch out for Hybrid cars, Obama bumper stickers, Whole Foods bags and anyone being too friendly. When I asked whether this was legal, he responded in the affirmative stating that the election staff inside the school was overworked and this would help them count the ballots faster.”

This is the most blatant attempt by Republicans to disenfranchise liberal voters, however it is far from the only instance. Monitors in Wisconsin and Florida have already found similar fake polling sites. In Arizona, officials put the wrong election date on all election information written in Spanish. In addition, Ohio officials sent out election information in districts with a large population of Democrats that included both the incorrect date and incorrect directions to the polling station. Over the past year many conservative leaders have also tried to “combat voter fraud” by creating voter ID laws aimed at disenfranchising minorities, low income individuals and other democrats. Conservatives have even bragged about their efforts. House Republican Leader Mike Turzai stated, “Voter ID which is going to allow Governor Romney to win the state of Pennsylvania, done!” While the court has struck down many of the laws, the creation of these fake polling sites demonstrates the unabashed determination of conservatives to stop certain Americans from voting.

Not surprisingly, the request for foreign monitors has angered conservatives. Catherine Engelbrecht, president of True the Vote, a conservative group dedicated to stopping election fraud, states “These activist groups sought assistance not from American sources, but from the United Nations…. The United Nations has no jurisdiction over American elections. So nobody should listen to anything they say.” While she is correct in stating that the U.N. has no jurisdiction in the U.S., “all OSCE member counties, which include the United States, have committed since 1990 to hold free and democratic elections and to allow one another to observe their elections.” Therefore, unfortunately for conservatives, the monitors have a right to both watch and then report what they witness. You would think that a person dedicated to preventing voter fraud would not mind listening to the opinion of an independent third party.  Engelbrecht should not be worried though, even if the minorities, elderly and other liberal scum get to the proper voting stations on the correct dates, they will likely be voting using electric machines created by Hart Intercivic and owned in large part by H.I.G. Capital. H.I.G.’s founder, Tony Tamer, and three other H.I.G. board members are huge contributors to guess who? Yep, Willard Mitt Romney. America, land of the free, so long as you can pay for it.

unedoted photo of trash can by: daquellamanera

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Last Undecided Voter Trampled to Death by Reporters

Myron Jones of Parma Heights, Ohio was trampled to death Tuesday evening as he made his way home from his job as a construction foreman. Myron, the father of three, has been in the news recently as the last remaining undecided voter in the United States. Unfortunately, he will never be able to make that elusive decision. As Myron walked up his driveway he was mobbed by over eighty national and regional reporters all asking for his thoughts on the third Presidential debate. The media was truly worked into a frenzy and did not realize that they had knocked the 55-year old man to the ground. By the time the chaos was cleared it was already too late, Myron Jones had been trampled to death.

Myron Jones was the son of Ethel and Bert Jones. He spent one year at Cuyahoga Community College before dropping out to enter the work force. After spending the next few years job hopping, he began working for Luther Construction and ultimately earned the coveted position of Foreman after a mere 25-years. Myron has voted in every election since he turned 18, though only for President and Governor. He had attributed his inability to make a decision to being “too busy just trying to get by to pay attention”. His election year strategy was to completely ignore all of the election coverage, watch the three debates and then make a final decision. He admits, “It’s not a perfect strategy, but it is all I have time for.” This means that Myron would have never accumulated the wealth of information bestowed upon American citizens. He would not know that Mitt Romney was opposed to women’s rights, equality, education, environmental and banking reform, teachers and unions. He would also not know that Romney believes that 47% of Americans (which by definition would have included Jones) are “dependent upon the government” and don’t take “personal responsibility” for their lives. Myron Jones also would have never learned that President Obama was in fact, born in Hawaii. Still, as a single father, he believed that spending quality time with his children was more important than watching the “political soap opera”.

Unfortunately, as family and friends prepare for Myron’s funeral, the media frenzy has found another potential victim. After reviewing footage of Myron’s demise, amidst the pleas for help they heard him mutter one final phrase, “There is anoth-er…unde-cided…vot-er….”  The news agencies have searched diligently and are narrowing in on their next target. Lola Sanders of Madison, Wisconsin woke up from a 7- year coma yesterday afternoon. Evidence shows that she voted for Reagan in 1984 and Clinton in 1992 and 1996. Without any knowledge of this election, she is truly an independent voter. As news agencies descend on Madison, Lola’s family has placed her into hiding until after the election. If Myron Jones were still alive, I am sure he would agree. Run Lola, run!

photo by: internets_dairy

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Lance Armstrong: “Oh, I thought they said ‘moping”

Cyclist Lance Armstrong has finally admitted to a complex doping scheme that helped him win the Tour de France seven times and turned him into a sports icon. The cancer survivor raised critics’ eyebrows on Monday by suggesting that he simply misunderstood the nature of the charges. “Honestly, I thought they said ‘moping’. That is why I fought so hard. I have never and will never mope and I’m insulted that anyone would think I would. As for doping, yes, I doped for races. But I want to make clear to all of my fans. I am not a moper. That is not who I am as a cyclist or as a man.”

Following the findings of the U.S. Anti Doping Agency (USADA), Armstrong has been stripped of all seven Tour victories, and has been banned from the tournament for life. Armstrong may also be forced to payback bonus and prize winnings. Over the past few months, Armstrong has resigned from his Chairman position at Livestrong, the cancer charity he founded. He has also given up the lengthy legal battle to prove his innocence. In the aftermath however, Armstrong only seems to be concerned about his legacy as a non-moping cyclist. When asked whether he felt guilty for over a decade of cheating he responded, “I would like to get back to the moping issue for a moment. I just want to make clear that even though I am not personally a moper, I do not judge others who choose to be mopers. In fact, I have some good friends who are mopers but that does not mean that I am one. Now what was your question again?”

As the full ramifications from the USADA findings develop, we bear witness to the fall of a sports icon. Whether or not you agree with the rules against athlete drug use, Armstrong appears to have knowingly cheated. The integrity and perseverance which he has been known for are now in question. Tonight, however, when you tuck your children in bed and tell them stories of the greatest cyclist the world has ever known, remember, Lance Armstrong may have doped but he never moped.

Photo by: Ben Sutherland 

Friday, October 12, 2012

Complaints Force Organizers to Completely Reformat Presidential Debates

Last week, millions of Americans tuned in to see their Presidential candidates eloquently explain specific remedies for the challenges that face our nation. Instead, we were treated to the ramblings of a compulsive liar and the emotionless, monotone responses of a thoroughly uninterested President. Disgusted viewers sent over 250,000 emails to the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) demanding immediate change. In response, the CPD has brought in producer Matt Kunitz to “liven up” the debates. Kunitz is the executive producer of the reality game show Wipeout and has also produced The Real World and Fear Factor. According to CPD Chairman Michael McCurry, “Kunitz will be able to implement the changes Americans want to see in the debates.”

Kunitz and the CPD say that the new debate format will cover three main areas. First, they want to ensure the veracity of the candidates’ statements. According to Pulitzer Prize winning fact checker Politifact, in the 25 examined statements from the first debate, 19 were deemed to be “Mostly false”, “False” or “Half true”. Mitt Romney seemed to find it particularly difficult to speak the truth. A debate full of lies has no inherent value to the American people. The new debate format will demand 100% honesty by punishing candidates after any dishonest statement. Fact checkers from Politifact and the Washington Post will be present to judge the candidates. The candidates themselves will also be hooked up to a polygraph machine. When a candidate is caught in a lie, a neon “LIAR!” sign will shine behind him and he will be punished by one of several “Poli-Tricks” including moderate to severe electric shocks, being dunked in a tub of ice water and having a bucket of slime dumped on their heads. The more blatant the lie, the more uncomfortable the punishment.

The second change in the debate format is the number of candidates. The CPD, a non-profit organization, was founded by Republicans and Democrats in 1987. Until now, its policies have greatly favored the two parties. To participate, candidates must show that opinion polls have them with at least 15% of the popular vote.  Of course, were they allowed to debate they might earn those numbers, however under CPD rules, candidates would never get the chance. The new format will open the debate to anyone who is both running for President and is on the ballot in at least 2 states. Current Presidential candidates, Gary Johnson (Libertarian), Jill Stein (Green), Virgil Goode (Constitution) and Rocky Anderson (Justice) will now be able to share their perspective with the American people. While this has been highly unpopular with both the Republicans and Democrats it seems unconscionable in a free and democratic society to not give an equal platform to every candidate.

The third and final change will be the way in which the debates are moderated. The CPD will be replacing all current moderators with a panel of professors, scientists and economists. Candidates will be given hypothetical scenarios in the areas of the economy, the environment, domestic issues, natural disasters, foreign relations, and military actions. They will be asked to make on the spot decisions on how they would handle those situations. The panel will then vote on the best answer, thus determining a debate “winner”. During any response, should a candidate go over his or her allotted time, a mechanized boxing glove will shoot from their podium and pop them in the nose.
The new format has already succeeded in doing the impossible. Republicans and Democrats have actually agreed, on something; they both completely despise the new format. However, both parties feel forced to comply since a Gallup poll showed that 89% of Americans love the new format. While the CPD was unable to arrange the new debate in time for the Vice Presidential debate, it will be unveiled at the next Presidential debate on Tuesday, October 16 at Hofstra University.

Unedited photograph by Eduardo Frei

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Campaign Unveils Mitt Romney V5.0

Namaste Orbsonites! You may have noticed that I have been abnormally quiet these last couple of weeks. Well apparently even someone as awesome as me can get sick. I'm not sure if it was the flu or a sinus infection, either way, I have discovered a very important thing about myself. The things that I write when I have a 102 degree fever are really and truly awful. Fear not though, I am slowly recovering and was able to muster the strength to create the following bit o' satire.

On October 1, the long awaited Mitt Romney 5.0 is expected to be released to the general public. Just days before the debates, this latest version of the Presidential candidate is projected to be a dramatic improvement over Romney 4.0 which has thus far been described as both a “complete disaster” and the “Windows Vista of Presidential candidates”. The Romney 4.0 has been plagued with bugs that have had his campaign in a constant state of crisis management.

Since the release of Romney 4.0 this past spring, he has succeeded in insulting foreign leaders, denigrating half of the U.S. population, describing $250,000 a year as middle class and snubbing the poor, the elderly, Hispanics, teachers, and police and fire departments. In fact, Romney 4.0 has been such a failure, the campaign has had to implement “backtrack updates” almost daily to cover apologies and damage control. In one instance, an update was issued just minutes before Romney announced Paul Ryan as “the next President”. According to the campaign, “It could have been worse. He was set to name Bristol Palin as the Vice Presidential nominee. We barely uploaded the fix in time.” Republicans hope that the release of Romney 5.0 will end the litany of gaffes as the campaign desperately searches for a way to win the election.

The Mitt Romney 5.0 will offer voters an entirely new Mitt Romney experience. Voters can expect a return to a more centrist Mitt who will revisit his fondness for universal health care and pro-choice legislation. Romney will also be equipped with the latest in multimodal interaction technology which will better equip Romney to process new information and respond in a more intelligent manner. With the debates just days away, the campaign is hoping the new technology will allow them to compete with what they admit is a significantly smarter Barack Obama. The Mitt Romney 5.0 will also appeal to younger voters by being able to instantly access Yelp, Pandora and Google Maps upon request. As for Ann Romney, a campaign spokesperson stated, “The old version will have to do. We tried to figure out a way to add compassion to her programming but her interface recognizes it as a virus and immediately destroys the software. You see this sometimes with older conservative models.” In any event, with the debates just days away, the Romney campaign is pinning its Presidential aspirations on the Mitt Romney 5.0.

Photo by: Robert Huffstutter

Thursday, September 6, 2012

GOP Celebrates New ‘PreSin’ Pregnancy Prevention Pill

Satire. Though Republicans often have a way of making me feel a little sick...

On Monday, the FDA gave final approval to the financially troubled KV Pharmaceutical for their “Afternoon-Before” pregnancy prevention pill. The pill, referred to as “PreSin” works by suppressing sexual desires prior to engaging in a sexual act. KV marketing materials state, “Are you going out tonight? Are you worried about being morally corrupted into depraved acts of sin? Then before you leave, remember to take PreSin! PreSin works by inhibiting sexual desires through a series of mildly unpleasant physical ailments including a fever, nausea, occasional vomiting, bad breath and general stomach discomfort.” According to a KV spokesperson, “PreSin has the potential to dramatically reduce unwanted pregnancies. Remember, before you sin, Presin!”

PreSin has gained wide approval from the Republican Party who says it represents a significant improvement over the controversial Morning-After pill. Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney agreed stating that PreSin is a much better option over the other “abortive” options: “Abstinence is the only completely successful way to prevent pregnancy. PreSin provides tremendous benefits to those who do not have the moral strength of character to abstain by themselves. This is a great American innovation and should be sold over-the-counter and distributed in our schools.” Romney may not be aware that the “success” of abstinence-only sexual education is a fallacy. In fact, states with abstinence-only policies have the highest rate of teen pregnancies in the nation.

KV who describes itself as a, “specialty pharmaceutical company with a focus on women’s healthcare” is expected to begin shipping PreSin to pharmacies by the end of September and the product is expected to cost approximately $750 per dose. The exorbitant cost should not come as a surprise. Earlier this year KV won exclusive rights to a drug called 17P (brand name Makena), used to prevent preterm labor. Their first act was to raise the price from $10 to $1500 per dose. For a company whose last CEO is in prison for mislabeling morphine pills, many people have begun to suspect that KV may in fact be “pure evil”. However, Mitt Romney praised KV’s pricing strategy as simply “a good business practice”. Regardless, Republicans in Congress have convinced insurance companies to fully cover PreSin without a co-pay. In Arizona however, PreSin has caused some confusion. Heather Wilson of Phoenix asks, “I don’t understand. In Arizona I am pregnant two weeks before I have sex. Am I supposed to take PreSin every day for two weeks? How will I know when to begin treatment?” Arizona Governor Jan Brewer does not foresee any issues saying, “I think young people should be taking this every day. They were all born into sin. This will help them control themselves.” Already, KV has sold over 300,000 doses of PreSin and expects to reach a million by the end of the year.

Warning: If you are planning on taking PreSin, the following side effects have been released by KV: “Possible side effects include headache, upset stomach, rectal bleeding, depression, suicidal thoughts, puritanical impulses and uncontrollable sneezing.”

Unedited Photo by: Brandon Giesbrecht

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Vatican Allows Shocking Act on Hallowed Grounds

Lights. Camera. Lubrication. This September, the Vatican is opening its jewel doors to filmmakers from the German media company Wetbild for use in their production of the pornographic film “The Holy Seed”. Wetbild is a corporation that is wholly owned by the Catholic Church and has been the center of a decade-long controversy within the Church for its publication of pornographic books. In the past, the Church has attempted to distance itself from the material stating, “Weltbild tries to prevent the distribution of possibly pornographic content.” However, as Wetbild owns Blue Panther Books whose 2,500+ erotic titles include “Anwaltshure” (Lawyer’s Whore), “Vögelbar” (F—kable) and “Schlampen-Internat” (Sluts’ Boarding School), it appears as though the Church has not been successful. In fact, Wetbild is not the only Church owned purveyor or pornography. They also own a 50% share of Droemer Knaur which produces pornographic titles such as “Nimm mich hier und nimm mich jetzt!” (Take Me Here, Take Me Now!), and “Sag Luder zu mir!” (Call Me Slut!). This latest venture into the world of pornography is sure to create a sticky public relations situation for the Vatican.

According to a Vatican press release, Wetbild will be filming for only two days though expects to complete three movies during that time. In addition to “The Holy Seed”, the films “Bible Thumpers” and “Trinity’s Holes” will be shot in closed-off sections of the Vatican. Even more shocking, Pope Benedict XVI himself will be making a brief cameo in “The Holy Seed”. The Pope will stumble across a pair of frisky worshippers and speak the line, “hmmm, conclave bello” which roughly translates to “Hmmm, nice conclave.”

The decision to film a pornographic movie in the Vatican has stunned Catholics everywhere. However, the Vatican insists that the films do not undermine church principles. According to the Vatican’s Senior Communications Advisor Greg Burke, “We thoroughly vetted the actors and actresses playing the roles. We required that they must be married Catholic adults and that they behave in a manner which portrays the dignity and majesty of the Church.” When asked why this controversial decision was made, Burke, a former journalist for the Fox Network and member of the controversial sect known as Opus Dei, responded, “Celibacy is very difficult. We are experiencing a moral crisis in the church. Too many of our priests have acted in a manner which is not congruent to our belief system. Viewing these films will allow for a more harmonious release of their urges. They must do this for themselves, for the church and for God.”

As the Vatican’s Rub One Out for Jesus campaign kicks off, the Church will undoubtedly face many hard questions: Is masturbation now an accepted Catholic practice? Is pornography okay? Should we start using our halos as cock rings? Given that the Catholic Church has shamelessly purveyed pornography for decades, it appears as though the answer to all of these questions is yes.

Original unaltered photo by Jess Pac

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Exposing My Orbs has Arrived!

For those of you who do not already know...

The day has finally arrived! “Exposing My Orbs- The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” (written by yours truly) is now available through Amazon! 263 pages containing every Orb written for the Orbson Oracle, commentary on many of the entries and a few never before published Orbs. As promised, my loyal Orbsonites will receive a FREE digital copy! All I ask is that if you enjoy my book, please review it (be gentle) before the conservatives pounce on the word “liberal”. Of course if you don’t enjoy the book, I won’t be offended if you keep that to yourself. :) I have arranged for Amazon to run your free promotion from Wednesday August 8 (12AM PST) through Sunday August 12 (11:59 PST). After that, it will jump up to $2.99. If you don’t have a Kindle don’t worry, you will be able to download free software to read it on your computer, smartphone or tablet device. I hope you enjoy the book and thanks for your support!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Zoo Animals Gone Wild - Sarah Palin Accuses Zoo of “brainwashing giraffes”

(Today I hit a quarter of a million page views! How do I celebrate? Write a satiric Orb about giraffe sex. For my sixty+ new Facebook friends, don't worry I do write serious satire as well. For the Orbsonites who have been with me a while, hee hee, they don't know what they're in for do they!?)

Threatened by the possibility of becoming completely irrelevant, Sarah Palin has found a new front for her Tea Party attack- zoo animals. This past July, the Palin family visited the Reid Park Zoo in Tucson, Arizona. What began as an enjoyable family outing quickly degraded into what can only be called “giraffe porn”. While gazing at the long-necked creatures, Palin noticed two giraffes engaged in graphic sexual intercourse. According to Palin, “That male giraffe had a two foot long thingy! Well, gee whiz, poor Todd has felt inadequate ever since. It was disgusting. There were children everywhere and the zoo staff did nothing to stop it.” The former Vice Presidential candidate took immediate action and contacted the Zoo’s administrator Rachel McGovern. To Palin’s chagrin, McGovern was unwilling to take action stating, “It is a perfectly natural act by our two male giraffes.” After realizing that she and her family had actually witnessed “gay giraffe porn” Palin became incensed and stormed out of the office.

Palin has since created the Americans for Natural Animals Lobby whose mission is to convince zoos around the country to put a stop to the x-rated activities going on within their parks. She further accused McGovern of “brainwashing the giraffes to make them gay.” In a recent statement Palin suggested ways to curb the animals’ coital tendencies, “Zoos should do everything possible to ensure a wholesome family environment. I’m not an expert but I think some sort of chastity belt could work for the females and maybe some sort of electric collar for the males that would shock ‘em whenever they get excited. They should also look for ways to cure the homosexual animals. It’s not natural.”

The Orbson Oracle contacted Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” center to discover if they would be in charge of “treating” any gay animals that Palin’s organization discovers, but they refused to answer our questions. However, after significant research at a Pray Away the Stupid Center, also known as a library, we have discovered that not only do most zoos encourage intimate relations between animals, but homosexuality in the animal kingdom is considered a perfectly natural phenomenon. "Homosexuality has been observed in more than 1,500 species” says Petter Bockman, project coordinator of the “Against Nature?” display at the University of Oslo’s Natural History Museum. The article’s author also notes that, “homosexual activity among giraffes is, in many cases, more common than heterosexual activity.” National Geographic concurs stating, “The bonobo, an African ape closely related to humans, has an even bigger sexual appetite. Studies suggest 75 percent of bonobo sex is nonreproductive and that nearly all bonobos are bisexual.” Many zoos also encourage their heterosexual animals to mate in order to perpetuate the species. In fact, some Chinese zoos are actually bringing in TV sets to show pandas “panda porn” in order to increase their sex drive in hopes of saving the species.

Since these are facts based on scientific research, they will likely be ignored by Palin and her fellow Tea Partiers. As for zoo administrators, they will likely do what most intelligent Americans do and simply ignore Sarah Palin.

*UPDATE* In related news, The Boy Scouts of America released a statement today stating that, “While the B.S.A. does not proactively inquire about the sexual orientation of zoo animals, the Boy Scouts of America believes that homosexual conduct amongst zoo animals is inconsistent with the obligations in the Scout Oath and Law to be morally straight and clean in thought, word, and deed. Therefore, our scouts, volunteers and administrators will no longer be permitted to visit zoos known to have homosexual animals.” For more on B.S.A. discriminatory policies, click here.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Bloomberg to Make N.Y.C. Subway Users Pay by the Pound

My latest satiric piece...
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced plans to revamp the subway system into a “Pay by the Pound” pricing structure meant to motivate New Yorkers to lose weight. This is not the first health conscious change Mayor Bloomberg has recommended. This past May, he proposed a measure that “would impose a 16 ounce limit on any sugary drinks … that contain more that 25 calories per 8 ounce”. While opponents have been occupied trying to save their Big Gulps, Bloomberg quietly snuck in another measure. Bloomberg’s “No Chub in the Sub” program will require the Metropolitan Transportation Authority to install scales at token dispensers. Different colored tokens will be dispersed depending on a rider’s weight. What use to be a $2.50 fare will now run a 220-pound person $10. For someone who reaches the 300-pound mark, the cost of the fare would rise exponentially to $28.

Mayor Bloomberg discussed the controversial measure at a press conference outside of the New York Athletic Club:

“The No Chub in the Sub measure is an innovative way to solve multiple problems facing the city of New York. First, everyone knows that the subway trains run on electricity. The more weight it carries, the higher the electric bill. Those costs are passed on to the riders and the taxpayers. Why should a healthy person have to pay more for his or her token because someone else chooses to be unhealthy? Anyone under 200 pounds will still pay $2.50, while those under 120 pounds will only have to pay $1. This plan cultivates an environment of fairness. Secondly, the new weight-based tiered program will reward the healthy and provide incentive to the chubbies to change their ways. Certainly some overweight people may not be able to pay the higher cost, but now they’ll get to walk more. In a few months, the pounds will come off and the fares will come down. In my book, that’s a win, win proposal!”

Many New Yorkers however, do not feel like they are winning. According to supermodel Sophia Lobelia, “The measure, it does not go far enough. I am only 82 pounds. I should not have to pay as much as those 120-pound heffers. I do not like this measure.” Conversely, the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance has called the measure “discriminatory and evil” and pointed out that, “Many perfectly healthy people come in all shapes and sizes. Mayor Bloomberg should not be forcing his narrow views of what is an acceptable weight on everyone”. Still, with most New Yorkers focusing on the ban of large sugary drinks, few have even noticed, yet alone protested the “No Chub in the Sub” bill.

Orbson's Olympic Rant: Amazing! Republicans and Democrats have finally come together in agreement and are demanding the change that this country so desperately needs. What was it on? Health Care? Immigration? Job Programs? Oh, I am so excited it doesn’t even matter which… uhm, what? They don’t like the U.S.A. Olympic Teams’ opening day outfits? So, suddenly “Made in China” is a bad thing to Congress huh? Well, it was not like your policies over the past couple of decades led to this fashion atrocity… Oh, it did huh? Chinese products are everywhere and are at a lot cheaper because they are made in Chinese sweatshops before being shipped to the U.S. to sell? American companies can’t compete with the prices? Well still the U.S. Olympic Committee gets U.S. tax dollars and should be forced to… what? It’s a private company that gets all of its money through donations and sponsorships? Money is generally pretty tight and they have to look to sponsors like Ralph Lauren for deals on clothing? Sorry, Congress, looks like you need to call the Chinese Leg Factory because you clearly need something to stand on. Oh and by the way, stop worrying about stupid things like this and start worrying about the fact the vast majority of products in places like Walmart are made in China. Stop looking at isolated incidents just because they are in the public eye and your rants will look good on CNN and start looking at the real problem. Why can’t American companies compete and what do you need to do to level the field.

photograph from: Inept Owl

Friday, July 27, 2012

Anonymous Hacks IRS Database- Publishes Romney Tax Returns

(This may be satire but when someone vehemently refuses to share something that every former President has shared, you kinda wonder what's he hiding?)

On Thursday evening, the mysterious group of hackers known as Anonymous successfully hacked the main database for the Internal Revenue Service. The group appeared to have a singular target- Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Romney has been criticized by both parties for his failure to produce more than one past tax return. According to Ann Romney on ABC’s “Good Morning America” they had no intention of ever disclosing the contents on those returns: “We’ve given all you people need to know and understand about our financial situation and how we live our life”. Anonymous however, seems to have thought that we “the people” might want to know a little more about the man who seeks the White House.

The Anonymous attack successfully retrieved 25-years worth of Romney’s tax returns and published them without permission on major websites throughout the Internet. The majority of these websites removed the returns within minutes, however it was too late to completely protect the candidate’s already tainted image. We at The Orbson Oracle were able to examine Romney’s 2008 tax return and found that he had good reason to fear its release. The 2008 return paints a picture of an extraordinarily wealthy man, whose low tax rate and bizarre itemized deductions will surely raise many questions as to his suitability to be President.

Romney campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul stated last week that “there has been no year in which Romney paid zero taxes”. In 2008, this was true. He earned $23,425,316 and paid $412.18 in federal income taxes. This calculates to a federal tax rate of 0.0018%. How did Romney get his tax burden so low? According to his return, he had approximately $23,407,000 in itemized deductions. These deductions ranged from $78,923 for “Toupee Creators Unlimited” and $41,826 for “Spray-on tan services” to a $3.8 million dollar write-off for a trip to Las Vegas with potential campaign donors. The Romney family also paid salaries to their numerous employees including, two yacht captains, three pilots for their private jets, two professional dog walkers, one toupee stylist and a “live-in contortionist”. What someone does with a live-in contortionist, one can only speculate. However, the $891,064 Romney spent on an “EWS Donor Party at the Pennsylvania Mansion” might give us a clue. While the return does not indicate what “EWS” stands for, given that the deducted supplies for the party included “Venetian masks, alcohol, lubricant and various Egyptian leather accessories” it was most likely an “Eyes Wide Shut” party.

In addition to his wild nights, Romney also deducted health related expenses. These included $127,000 for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a condition termed “Pseudologia fantastica” also known as Compulsive Liar Syndrome. This may explain why the Republican nominee’s views seem to change dramatically depending on his audience. In fact, his recent string of political gaffes may be the direct result of his inability to keep up with the many competing “truths” he has spoken over the past year. According to noted Psychiatrist Bryan King, “Pathological liars seem utterly sincere about their lies, but if confronted with facts to the contrary, will often just as sincerely reverse their story." According to Politifact, a news organization that researches the veracity of politician’s statements, only 16% of Romney’s examined statements were found to be completely true.

While the 2008 tax return only gives us a brief glimpse into the life of Mitt Romney, it is unlikely that the other 24 years would have given us a true complete picture. Given that Romney has several secret tax havens in the Cayman Islands, Bermuda and until recently Switzerland, we will likely never know the extent of his holdings or of the other unorthodox appetites he quenches with that money. However, the Anonymous hack did succeed in giving Americans a better understanding of the Republican candidate.

Photograph of Mitt Romney courtesy of Adam Glazman
Photograph of Guy Fawkes Mask courtesy of Anonymous Editor

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Romney: New Yahoo! CEO “Mayer belongs at home with her baby not running a company”

Mitt Romney, who has been under attack for his numerous offshore accounts and failure to disclose tax returns is apparently hoping to draw attention away from his past by making highly controversial remarks about women in the workplace. During an informal luncheon of campaign benefactors and selected media, Romney was asked about the conservative “war on women”:

“How can there be a war on women when one of them just got promoted to the highest office at Yahoo!? The depressing part is that she’s pregnant and yet still took the position. There is a war, but that war is being waged on good family values. Now I ask you, is it responsible to take on the job of CEO of a billion dollar corporation when you are about to have a child? I think not my friend. Marissa Mayer belongs at home with her baby, not running a company. Her child needs a mother. I know what it is like to be in charge of a company, I ran Bain until 20… ah, 1999. There is no feasible way she can adequately raise her child and be a successful CEO. It’s one or the other.”

Romney’s statements should not come as a surprise as the candidate has been previously been unwillingly to support the Lily Ledbetter Act that would require corporations to pay women and men equally. Clearly, as a member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men, equality is not something Romney strives for in his personal or professional life. Apparently, he is not the only one who believes women like Mayer should not be mixing business with “motherly duties”. After Mayer’s CEO/pregnancy announcement, numerous articles have been written questioning whether she will be a capable CEO. Not due to her relative youth or inexperience as a CEO, but because of her pregnancy. Many believe as Romney does that Mayer would be better suited in an apron than a power suit.

As for Marissa Mayer, the 37-years-old Stanford graduate has been named to Fortune magazine’s 50 Most Powerful Women in Business in 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012. She was the first female engineer at Google and held the title of Vice President when she departed. In 2009 she was named the Glamour Woman of the Year and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi described her as “a powerhouse of creativity and business acumen for one of the world’s most innovative companies. Marissa Mayer is leading the way in keeping America number one.” Mayer is only the 20th current female CEO of a Fortune 500 company, which leads to a rather obvious observation. Perhaps the economy wouldn’t be so pathetic if more women like Mayer became CEOs.

Orbson Answers Why He Chose Today's Topic: I asked myself, "Self, when can we, as a society, honor the accomplishment of strong, intelligent and independent women without minimizing their success with stupid questions about whether it is okay to be a mother and a CEO?" I am still waiting for an answer. In the meantime, I thought I would write about it...

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Happy Orbsonversary!!!

“One year ago, Orbson Rice exploded into the world. There are many legends regarding the origins of the Orbson. Some believe he was created by the Gods to entertain, educate and inspire. Others believe that he is the love child of Jon Stewart and George Carlin. Regardless of the mythology, readers have come from all over the world to reach out and grasp his magic Orbs.”

Exposing My Orbs
Orbson Rice

Today I celebrate the one year anniversary of The Orbson Oracle!!! 82 times I have placed my fingers to these keys for a reason other than looking up Katie Morgan videos. Looking back over my Orbs (no more ‘blog entries’ or ‘articles’) I am pleased to say that I accomplished what I had set out to do. Better yet, I have discovered a newfound love of writing satire. I’ve often worried about being yet another liberal, standing on a homemade soapbox and yelling about the world’s problems. Satire has allowed me to bring to light a real topic (i.e. that idiot Republican who blames kindergarten for high crime rates) and envelop it with ridicule and sarcasm. See Mom, sarcasm pays off!

With that in mind, I will be making some exciting new changes to the Oracle over the coming months. First, it will cease to be a blog and will morph like an Orbson from an attorney-shaped cocoon into a real website. The exact details of this website are currently top secret in order to protect myself from the very real possibility of not following through on every one of my 3,183 ideas (has anyone noticed if my Café Press store is still up). Second, as you may have noticed from the quote above, I have finished writing “Exposing My Orbs”. For those of you who need a refresher, Exposing My Orbs contains every Orb I have ever written. I have added a fair amount of commentary and included some Orbs from my pre-Orbson years for your entertainment. What I had expected to be an easier to read version of The Orbson Oracle has become the tale of my journey as a writer and a satirist. This has made for a fairly lengthy book, so even if you don’t read it you can use it to hit Republicans over the head. At the outset, I will be releasing it as an e-book with a paperback version hopefully to follow. As promised, I will initially offer the book for FREE to my loyal Orbsonites! I am SO not a Republican. I’ll have the exact dates and information for your download in the coming weeks. I’m putting the finishing touches on my Orbs right now and trying to nail down the cover. I hope you enjoy the book as much as I have enjoyed writing for you this past year.

Well Katie calls, but before I go I just want to say thank you for taking the time to read my words and for joining me on this journey. I promise to continue writing, continue battling The Stupid and continue being a little obscene, a little crazy and a buckets full of Orbson Rice.

Orbson by the Numbers:

52,790 combined page views
21,202 Facebook Shares
23,332 Facebook Likes
82 posts on The Orbson Oracle
20 satiric Orbs published on Free Wood Post

Artwork by qthomasbower, check out his other great stuff here!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

New Hampshire Republican Exposes Kindergarten Criminal Training Ground

One brave Republican has exposed a horrific threat to our nation’s safety- kindergartners. New Hampshire Republican lawmaker Bob Kingsbury (R-Laconia) has been under fire for the conclusions he has drawn from an intensive 16-year study. According to Kingsbury, the “research he has conducted since 1996 shows a connection between the state's kindergarten program and higher crime rates, attributing it to children being taken away from their mothers too soon…. In general, the towns with a kindergarten have 400 percent more crime than other towns in the same county. In every county the towns and cities with kindergarten had more crime.” At first I was dumbfounded by these statements and when I visited Middleton Kindergarten in Maryville, New Hampshire, I was only expecting to get some quotes for an article about another crazy Republican. However, what I discovered was truly shocking. Representative Kingsbury was right. Kindergarteners are being brainwashed to become future criminals.

After walking in to Mrs. Peabody’s classroom, I was immediately struck by a barrage of colors shooting off of every wall. Mrs. Peabody had placed the kindergartners’ “artwork” on the walls for all to enjoy. There was no order to the placement and apparently no rules for their content as I saw numerous pictures of animals that do no exist in the real world. Even more disturbing was the way that the children repeatedly failed to stay within the lines in their coloring. I asked Mrs. Peabody about this phenomenon and she replied “Well, the kids do their best and I let each of them create things that express their individuality and creativity.” This subversive way of teaching will likely lead to non-conformists who feel they have the right to metaphorically color outside the lines in adulthood. This will undoubtedly include criminal behavior.

As I watched America’s youth I noticed that they were finger painting with what I believe were gang colors. Had that been the worse thing I witnessed, I may have let it go, however the day just got scarier from there. Five year olds sharpening their crayons into objects that looked more like prison shivs than coloring tools, games where the winner or hider is able to evade the “seekers” for the longest amount of time and “reading time” books about cats in hats who convinces children to commit various forms of disobedience while there mother is away. This was all done by nap time! I hurried out of the school as they started to a song about babies falling out of trees. Gang colors, weapons, training to evade the police, learning to break rules and get away with it and singing about falling babies to help put them to sleep! Perhaps Kingsley is not just another crazy Republican.

Many people will likely scoff at Representative Kingsley’s findings, but don’t be fooled by their adorable faces and the seemingly harmless classroom activities. Kindergarten is a training ground for the criminal underworld. If it is this bad in kindergarten, I shudder to think what’s happening in our nation’s pre-schools.

Photograph by stevegatto2

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Facebook Buys InstaBaby for $3 Billion

Facebook surprised Wall Street insiders today when it purchased the upstart app Instababy for an estimated $3 billion. Instababy was created in 2009 by James and Irene Parker as an app for Facebook that would allow them to create an imaginary baby to appease the demands of friends and family. According to their website, “Almost as soon as we were married our friends and family would hound us about having children. We weren’t ready to take that leap yet, but they kept asking. Finally, we said enough. We created Instababy and the questions stopped!”

Instababy has now delivered over 1 million babies to users and can be downloaded to any Android or iOS5 device. The Parkers have also expanded the app to give a complete child experience from birth to college graduation. By plugging in physical and psychological traits of the prospective parents, Instababy creates a customized virtual baby. Users can then schedule instant uploads to Facebook for special events such as “baby’s first birthday” and their “child’s dance recital”. Instababy will also share photographs and short stories about their “child’s” progress. The app can even insert your virtual baby into vacation photos. According to Instababy user Marjorie Philips, “It is awesome! You know all of those annoying stories your Facebook friends post about how amazing their kids are? Well, now I can do that too. Your daughter just won her science fair? Well guess what, mine just won a research grant with Stephen Hawking.” Some critics however, have questioned the longevity of such a website. Wouldn’t your family and friends eventually find out?

According to Irene Parker, they were surprised at the results. “More than 90% of our Facebook friends and family never found out. We discovered that very few people on Facebook ever see each other and even when they do, they often don’t bring their kids. It seems like the more connected we have become as a society, the less connected we actually are. Interestingly, once we had our ‘children’, people don’t seem nearly as inclined to ask us about them as they were before. The few who did discover the truth were initially disappointed but then they joined in the fun too. My mother-in-law even created an Instababy for herself.”

Though Instababy sounds like a hit, analysts wonder why Facebook would pay the hefty $3 billion price tag for the app. Comments from the recently married Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg suggests he believes that the app “is a good investment for Facebook and fits perfectly with what we are trying to accomplish.” In unrelated news, Zuckerberg and his new wife announced that they are expecting their first child.

The Top 10 Reasons People Love Instababy:

1. Create a photo timeline from birth to college graduation.
2. Schedule automated posts for Facebook in seconds.
3. Always have the smartest and cutest baby of any of your friends.
4. Leverage in hostage situations: “please sir, I have children”.
5. Instant Excuse: “Sorry I would’ve loved to help you move but little Ricky is sick.”
6. Receive gifts that you can return for stuff for you want (like a Jet Ski) and then create customized childlike thank you notes to family and friends.
7. No doctors, no medical bills and no delivery. Instababy is instant gratification!
8. Be able to watch kid’s movies like Brave without being embarrassed.
9. 20% off discount to Hire-An-Actor for the big events like graduations.
10. Save an estimated $200,000+ (the approximate cost of raising a child from birth through college)!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Walking Red: The Truth About Florida’s “Zombie” Attack

Howdy Orbsonites! I just got back from a 3-week trek through the jungles of Florida, South Carolina and Michigan and boy did I dig up some interesting stories. Check out my latest. Is it satire? Is it real? In a world where Bristol Palin has her own tv show recognizing reality can be tricky.

The Walking Red

The Walking Red plague is upon us and Florida Governor Rick Scott is covering it up. On May 26, 2012, Miami police were called to the scene of a horrific attack. While the Miami Police Department has refused to comment on the incident, eyewitness reports show that officers observed a naked man literally eating the face off of his homeless victim. After ignoring an officer’s order to stop, the attacker was shot with a police issue revolver. The bullet had no effect on the attacker and the officer had to fire at least a half of a dozen more shots before the foul feast was finally stopped. The incident has lead to nationwide speculation to the presence of zombies in Florida. After an exhaustive investigation into the story, it is now clear that the Miami Police and Florida Governor Rick Scott are engaging in a disturbing and potentially deadly cover-up. The Miami “zombie” attack was not perpetrated by a drug addicted felon or a creature from a horror movie. No, the truth is more terrifying- Florida Republicans are turning into zombies. The plague of “The Walking Red” is beginning to take hold in the conservative (red) states and officials are doing whatever they can to keep the truth from the public.

Differentiating between Republicans and zombies can be difficult. Both groups share many similar traits, most notably their vacant expressions and mindlessly following others without rational independent thought. In addition, both fail to grasp simple concepts that normal human beings grasp easily. Concepts such as open-mindedness, caring for their environment and helping the less fortunate are completely loss on both Republicans and zombies. The desire to attack those different from themselves is also a key attribute to both groups. Whether through verbal or violent attacks, Republicans often assail groups such as the LGBT community, “illegal” immigrants, the poor, the non-religious and pretty much anyone else who disagrees with them.

A team of scientists at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) say that The Walking Red plague is essentially a “psychological zombification” that has increased in frequency over the past decade. The condition develops as Republicans slowly devolve from rational, thinking human beings to mindless automatons. There is usually some trigger that activates the zombie-like state. “We have found that the majority of Walking Red victims were watching Fox News shortly before transcending into full zombie mode. They lose all sense of right and wrong and began blindly attacking those they opposed as Republicans.” That is likely why the “zombie” in Miami chose a homeless person to attack. He felt a primal urge to destroy anything that threatened their conservative mindset.

Luckily, there is a cure for The Walking Red plague. “By stabilizing the afflicted and opening their mind to various forms of knowledge, a person can fully recover from the zombified state.” However, efforts to assist the state of Florida have been met with silence. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, an aide to Republican Florida Governor Rick Scott stated, “The Governor doesn’t want anyone to know about the outbreak until after the November election. There have been thousands of these cases that we’ve covered up. The Republizombies will all vote for Republicans. If they’re cured, they may not. He won’t take that chance. It has already affected more than half of our office. I’m scared. I don’t want it to happen to me.”

Unfortunately, it appears as though The Walking Red plague may be spreading. “Zombie” attacks have already been reported in Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi. Liberals such as Jon Stewart and Rachel Maddow have been forced into hiding and comedian Bill Maher is currently missing and presumed eaten. The CDC is recommending that that unaffected Republicans cease watching Fox News immediately and start reading as many newspapers and books as possible. If you should encounter a member of The Walking Red, you should try to escape immediately. If escape is not possible, saying the following phrases has been known to ward off an attack: “I love Rush Limbaugh!” “Fox News is the only news I watch!” “I hate Obama, he should go back to whatever country he came from!” “Bristol Palin is a good role model for teenagers.” Of course, many would likely choose to have their faces eaten, rather than having to utter any of those words. Only one thing is certain, The Walking Red are among us.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Kansas Bill Mandates Sterilization for Post-Abortion Women

(More satire to read over your morning cup of absinthe.)

Amidst the latest wave of anti-abortion legislation, the 69-page Kansas bill may be the most controversial. If passed, women in Kansas will be forced to undergo a tubal ligation within 6-months of having an abortion. Tubal ligation, or “tube tying”, is a surgical procedure that permanently prevents the patient from becoming pregnant in the future. The hotly debated measure was defended by Kansas Governor Sam Brownback:

“Abortion is murder, but until we can change the [U.S.] Supreme Court’s decision on the matter it’s still legal. However, just because it is legal does not mean it should be used as it is today – as birth control. We are told that the decision to abort a child is the most difficult a woman will ever make. If she goes through with the abortion then she obviously believes that she is not mentally able to raise a child, and she is too selfish to give the child to a deserving family through adoption. If a woman is not taking responsibility to either care for the child or give him or her up for adoption, then she should not be trusted with that responsibility in the future.”

Though the sterilization measure has ignited mass protests, Governor Brownback has refused to back down. When asked whether women should be punished for life for choosing to have an abortion, Brownback responded, “Well, her child was punished for life by her decision to kill him or her, I think it is only fair that we not reward her carelessness and irresponsibility.” Brownback further incited protestors when he spoke on the issue of abortion after rape or incest. According to Brownback, “The perpetrator’s crime was his action and he should pay for that. The woman’s action is to have the abortion. That was her decision, and she should pay for that.”

Brownback has stated that he will sign the bill as soon as it reaches his desk. The Kansas bill is yet another in a string of anti-abortion laws spreading throughout the country. States are forcing women to have medically unnecessary ultrasounds, instituting new taxes on abortions, allowing doctors to withhold medical information that might lead to an abortion and even permitting doctors to lie to their patients about abortions causing breast cancer. Mississippi went so far as to institute a 270-day waiting period requirement before being able to have an abortion. Unfortunately, Brownback is optimistic that the bill will soon become law and he will be able to get back to his regular duties which include monitoring the comments of teenager girls on Twitter.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Clinton Appointed to Secret Service Chaperone Position

On Tuesday, former President Bill Clinton was appointed to the position of Chaperone of the United States Secret Service. In reaction to the recent controversy involving alcohol, strippers and prostitutes in Colombia, the Secret Service has instituted new “rules of conduct” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/28/secret-service-chaperones_n_1461457.html for its agents. One of the measures involves the appointment of a “chaperone” to monitor agents’ actions and enforce the new higher standards. Within hours of the announcement, President Clinton made a formal request to fill the position. According to White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, “The former President was adamant that he would be able to provide the proper oversight for the after-hours activities of Secret Service agents and President Obama agreed.”

After examining the old version of "The Secret Service Rules of Conduct", it is unclear whether the "new rules" were needed or just a reaction to the controversy. In the section labeled “Engaging prostitutes while visiting foreign countries”, the rules clearly stated:

1. Agents may entertain no more than five prostitutes per room, per evening.
2. If agents are garbed in outfits including but not limited to sexy kitten costumes, French maid outfits or latex body suits, they should refrain from leaving their hotel rooms.
3. Agents should refrain from creating a scene with prostitute(s) due to unrequited articulations of love or refusal to pay for services rendered.

Had the agents followed the previously established protocol there likely would not have been a scandal in Colombia. Still, according to Clinton the inclusion of a chaperone will create an aura of respectability. “The agents can still have a good time, but they’ll do it in a more discreet and professional way. I understand blowing off some steam, but they need to be believable when they deny it later.” The first test of the new regime will occur this weekend in Bangkok, Thailand where the former President is already getting comfortable in his new position by thoroughly vetting potential escorts.

Currently Jamming To:

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Arizona Bill will Ban Subversive Latino Music from Radio

If Governor Jan Brewer gets her way, Arizona radio stations will soon be prohibited from playing Latino music over the airwaves. On May 3, the Arizona House will vote on a bill that would ban any music that:

1. Promotes the overthrow of the United States government.
2. Promotes resentment toward a race or class of people.
3. Is designed primarily for listeners of a particular ethnic group.
4. Advocates ethnic solidarity instead of treating listeners as individuals.

According to the bill, “Any music that includes more than five words in a language other than English will be reviewed by an independent commission for seditious overtones.” By these standards, many popular artists such as Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, Shakira, Pitbull and Selena Gomez will likely find their songs banned from Arizona radio stations. According to Brewer, this legislation is necessary to “curb the growing use of subversive music to manipulate young Latinos into hating the United States.” Since entering office, Brewer has made a concerted effort to attack Hispanic culture. HB 2281, which has similar language to HB 2863, outlawed the teaching of Ethic Studies in Arizona schools. According to Tucson Unified School District board member Michael Hicks, “If there is no more white people in the world than okay, you can do what you want.” Until then, Brewer is doing everything she can to curb the flow of Latino music, books and history over Arizona borders.

Brewer’s supporters believe that the Governor is only doing what is necessary to protect the “American way of life”. Evelyn Rothchild, President of Ban Items that are Toxic to Christian Homes states, “Music these days is sinful. It’s all sex, drugs and violence. Ever since that La Bamba song came out we have been fighting against this evil Mexican music. What does ‘La Bamba’ even mean? Do you know? It probably means America is Satan? Why would we want to put that on the airwaves?”

Governor Brewer is quick to point out that she is not banning Latino music, merely asking that it be translated into English and examined for “inappropriate” lyrics before airing it on the radio. “If a song has good wholesome lyrics, it can be played in our official state language. Artists can no longer hide subversive and incendiary material behind the Spanish language.” The Bill is expected to pass the House and be signed by Brewer on Thursday, or as Arizonians will now call it, “the day the music died”.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

President George W. Bush to be Immortalized on Mount Rushmore

This July, former President George W. Bush will be given one of this country’s greatest honors, a permanent place on Mount Rushmore. The newly created sculpture of the former President will stand alongside George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln. While the inclusion of Bush on the famous monument would be expected to stir criticism and protest, the decision has gone mostly unnoticed by the mainstream media. According to the National Park Service, the proposal to add Bush was buried in a 482-page Senate appropriations bill. Nobody noticed the rider until the bill was approved and construction had already begun. The provision, written by U.S. Senator Marco Rubio (FL) a.k.a. the “Crown Prince” of the Tea Party, described the former President as “the greatest in the last 100 years”.

Since news of the Bush addition to Mount Rushmore broke, Rubio and other Republicans have rushed to defend the decision. During a CNN interview, Rubio stated, “George W. Bush, in my opinion, did a fantastic job as president.” In a recent speech on the economic recovery, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie agreed, “Mr. President [Bush], thank you for setting that example, thank you for inspiring a whole new generation of conservative Republican leaders who you helped create,”
recent Sunday, U.S. Representative Paul Ryan (WI) sat down with ABC correspondent Katie Couric to discuss the Bush Legacy and the Mount Rushmore honor:

“It is only with perspective can we truly evaluate the actions of a President. Bush himself said, ‘I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.’ Reagan left office, many believed he did a horrible job. Now, he is remembered as one of this country’s greats. George W. Bush took office on the precipice of some of the worse times in our country’s history: 9/11, the Great Recession, bubbles bursting, foreclosures, natural disasters, failing banks and businesses. Most Presidents only have to deal with one or two major issues, President Bush had to deal with dozens of issues, most of which were a direct result of the Clinton era. It took time, but now we see that his courageous policies got us through those tough times and we are seeing the results: more jobs, a stronger economy, and better foreign relations. These results are not due to the current President. These are the results of President George W. Bush. He will be remembered as one of the greatest President’s in American history and I could not be more excited to see his face on Mount Rushmore.”

With construction already underway, there seems little that can be done. The President who once said,"I'm going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened” seems to have had his wish granted.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Romney: “I am a Proud Member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men”

Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican nominee for President, is a proud member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men (NAAWM). This past week, Romney spoke at a political fundraiser at the Myers Park Country Club in Charlotte, North Carolina. The “membership is by invitation only” country club costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $60,000 to get into the door, plus monthly dues and usage fees. The cost to attend the Romney fundraiser was a meager $1,000 per person and $2,500 to have your photo taken with the former Governor. What better place for the multi-millionaire candidate to find financial supporters for his campaign. Not surprisingly, he also found other members of NAAWM.

During the event, Romney was asked by a potential donor how his membership in the NAAWM would affect his candidacy. Romney responded,
“I am proud to be a member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men. There is a negative backlash in this country against the wealthy white male and it needs to stop. It is simply an example of class warfare tinged by racism that is perpetrated by the left. We are the ones who create the businesses, we are the ones who founded the United States, and we are the ones that enable minorities to provide for their families by creating jobs. They should not be attacking us; they should be thanking us on bended knee. President Obama says I was born with a ‘silver spoon’ in my mouth, well guess what, silver is cheap. I was born with a diamond spoon in my mouth and come November I am going to use those diamonds to buy my way into the White House. Not just for me, but for persecuted wealthy white men throughout this great nation.”

While Romney’s fundraising base might agree with his assessment, it seems unlikely that the majority of Americans would concur. According to OpenSecrets.org, Romney has raised $75 million for his campaign with only 10% coming from “small donations” (under $200). President Obama however, has raised over $156 million with 45% coming from small donations. Proving once again that a unified people will always be more powerful than simple wealth.

Photo by Donkey Hotey

Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Orbson in the Woods

One Orbson goes into the woods; “you think you know the story”. Yes, Orbsonites, I actually paid money to go to the theater. There is only one man who could get me to purchase a $12 popcorn, a $6 watered down soda and plop my butt down on an uncomfortably sticky seat for 95 minutes. That man is Joss Whedon. I bow before his greatness. All hail Joss, all hail Joss, all hail Joss.

Sorry about that. If I do not say my three “all hails” Joss will write another great TV show that the Fox Network will run out of order, subjugate it to Friday nights and then cancel it 14 episodes into the first season. Damn, I still miss Firefly. Anyway, last Saturday I went to the movies to see The Cabin in the Woods. I can’t really say anything about it without spoilers, so I will just give my ratings: Netflix: 4 stars, Schoolyard: A-/B+, Buy or Rent: Buy it. The horror genre may be off-putting to some people, however there was definitely more laughs than suspense and even Mrs. Orbson (who dislikes horror movies) enjoyed it.

As for my own personal journey through the woods, my adventure has been fraught with horrific beasts determined to suck out my life force. Or, as you know them, Republicans. Relax, I’m just kidding Republicans. Newt Gingrich could never be considered a “horrific beast”. I mean really, the guy goes to the zoo and a freakin penguin attacks him. Some of the cutest creatures in the zoo take one look at Newt and think “Oh, I am so going to bite this fucker’s fingers off!” Yes Newt, even the penguins hate you.

This really has been an odd news week: Romney and Cookie-gate, Newt and Penguin-gate, the Secret Service and Cheapskate. Speaking of the Secret Service and the not so secret servicing the Secret Service received while they were supposed to be in service to the President who was likely being serviced by his wife…. Oops, sorry lost myself for a moment. My take on this is pretty simple. I get it, you have a pretty stressful job, but you’re supposed to be the SECRET Service. There is nothing secret about 21 prostitutes. Sure, you might have been able to get away with 19, but 21 is just being greedy. Speaking of greedy, pay the women when you’re done. How would you like it if you were plugged at work and then were told you weren’t getting paid? I don’t mind if you relieve your stress by employing a professional stress reliever. But, when you’re done, PAY YOUR PROSTITUTE!

Orbson’s Glued to the TV: So, I caught the first two episodes of Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 and found it absolutely hilarious. If you enjoy raunchy and sarcastic humor, check it out. I have also been revisiting Chuck on DVD. If you have not seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out.

Orbson’s Final Thought: As I write these words, Saturday is now one hour young. I find myself thinking about empty yesterdays and remind myself that Saturday is not yet written. Saturday could be amazing. I can embrace a new experience or savor an old one. I don’t want to look back upon this Saturday and not remember what I did. I want to soar, I want to swim, I want to talk hard and write soft. I want to close Saturday with a sigh, a smile and an orgasm. What do you want your Saturday to be?

Currently Jamming Too:

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

270-Day Waiting Period Required for Mississippi Abortions

(No, it's not an "Onion", that is an Orbson you're holding in your hands)

On Thursday, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant (R) is expected to sign a bill that would extend Mississippi’s mandatory abortion waiting period to 270 days. Given the average length of pregnancy and the illegality of late term abortions this law will essentially ban all abortions in the state of Mississippi.

Bryant has been a vocal advocate of abolishing abortion rights. Earlier this year he stated, “We want Mississippi to be abortion free.” Mississippi already has some of the strictest anti-abortion laws in the country. The state’s lone abortion clinic, which has been subject to numerous threats of violence, may be forced to close by yet another piece of legislation. This past Monday, a second bill was signed by Bryant that would require doctors who perform abortions to be a certified OB-GYN with admitting privileges to a local hospital. Due to religious and political reasons along with the threat of violence from radical opponents, obtaining admitting privileges can be very difficult. One might wonder why this bill would be necessary with the passage of the new 270-day waiting period. Bryant appears to be circumventing potential legal entanglements by producing multiple anti-abortion laws with hopes that some of them will get through the courts. At a recent Jesus Loves Embryos charity event Bryant stated, “If we pass 1,000 laws to limit abortion, some will get through and we will be that much closer to victory.”

Women’s rights advocates claim that the 270-day mandatory waiting period is clearly unconstitutional under Roe v Wade as well as subsequent Supreme Court cases. They believe that this latest attempt to regulate women’s bodies will only result in costly legal fees for Mississippi citizens. Bryant appears to be willing to take that chance, “This is a necessary action in the ongoing battle against a murderous act. This bill, standing alone, does not ban abortion so the Courts should leave it alone. If they do not, we will fight.” However, the cost of that fight will undoubtedly seriously harm the already impoverished people of Mississippi. Bryant has already made cuts to state run orphanages, the public school lunch program and welfare recipients. In Mississippi, as comedian George Carlin once said, “If you're pre-born, you're fine; if you're pre-school, you're fucked.”